help needed pleas! my dh and I are no longer on the same wavelength since ha our ds

[lolaby]

I feel that my husband and I will soon divorce because he loves our son too much and anything that happens to him is my fault.
I have been married for 7 years(married at 19) and my dh is the only man I have really been in relationship with.
Everything was fine until we had our first son a year and a half ago...He loves him soo much that when my son falls or vomit he tells me it is my fault as I overfed him. My son is very thin (but healthy!) and I am trying my best to cook for him and do anything I can so that he eats (even folows him while he plays so that he gets some food, sometimes takes more than an hour). He has been having a lot a vomiting problems but Dr said everything is fine. A few times I must admit, I overfed him. But tonight, I have not overfed him and he choked on a piece of corn and my husband accused me again of overfeeding him and sounded really pissed with me. I reacted back and shouted that he should stop blamimg me for whatever happens to our ds as I am trying my best. My Dh and I are no longer on the same wavelength and it even comes to the point where I will not tell him when my ds has fallen/vomited or anything else as I am scared to get the blame...dh said he cannot say anything to me anymore as I overreact but i am tired to always get criticised when i try my best(even the way I breastfed was wrong!!!!)
Has anyone experienced big problems in their relationship after their first child???

sorry will need to go towork but will read my messages tonight!

like you say, have only heard it from your side, but you cant help that obv...
sounds to me like your mil has big controlling issues and behaviours and you and your dh are both subject to it. he may not know how to stand up to it if its all he knows.
i dont know... going home so many times in last few months is easy for her to make sound 'bad'... but i totally get why youd want to go.
what are the problems at home you mention?
are you going home to frnace to a relaxed home life, or more stress? coz maybe that isnt helpful either...

are you able to get time to yourself aaway from all the situations to really get some perspective? think you need to try and listen to and trust your own instincts and judgments again (easier said than done under the emotional stress youve been under, not to mention extended sleep deprivation)

Hmm, I do think that you have been over to France a lot in the past months, but I do not blame you since you obviously do not get much support at home.

Reading back on the whole thread, you started by talking about your problems with DH, but now I wonder how much of your difficulties is due to MIL. She seems to be very controlling and some of her influence has perhaps changed how DH behaves towards you. If he sees his mother always putting you down (and bearing in mind that he is a novice to this parenting lark too) then assumes that you are doing something wrong. His mother seems to have much too much influence in your life.

How does MIL react if your Mum comes over to you? Is she jealous of your relationship with your mother, and perhaps scared that her GS will prefer his other Gran?

We spent a lot of time in Scotland when my DD was younger. Before my DD was 3 she had moved house 3 times, had spent a lot of time in Scotland, loads of weekends at PILs (3 hour drive) and we were often away for a few days due to my DH new job. It did not bother DD at all, she was always a happy child.

When she started kindergarten (3yo) my parents retired and they came to visit us more often. I prefer that as they stay in their routine and are more settled. They are here about 3 - 4x a year for 2-3 weeks.

The other thing to consider, I assume your DS is bilingual (or will be). It is important for him to have lots of contact with his French family, especially in the first few years when his language skills are developing.

Lolaby - are you French and your DH English?

I am English and my partner is French and we live in Paris. My sister is also married to a Parisian man, though they live in another country.

Do not underestimate the massive cultural differences that show up when you have a child in a dual-culture couple. They are massive and IME the English way of bringing up children and the French way are surprisingly different, even opposed.

It is quite natural that you wish to go home to your own mother/family very often now that you have a baby. Don't let anyone tell you any different. I spent the first 11 months of my daughter's life in England in order to be near my own mother, and I go back often - at least 8 times a year, for anything between a week and three weeks.

Your MIL and your DH will "think alike" about bringing up children and, since you are out of your home country, your own instincts will be belittled/criticised.

You need to analyse what your own culture has taught you about bringing up children so that you can defend your own way, rather than being criticised by your MIL/DH who are not necessarily right, there are just two of them and one of you.

Good point Anna.

Lolaby,
do you have any contact with other French mums?

Lolaby - I have just re-read your last post.

I think you need to distance yourself from your MIL. It is absolutely none of her business how many times a year you go to visit your parents. The only people whose business it is are you and your DH.

The fact that your MIL very kindly offers her services as childcarer while you work does not give her any right to tell you what to do ie travel back to France, leave your DH on his own or whatever.

I really think that you could use a little counselling to help you assert yourself versus your MIL - possibly your DH could do with some too - but try to get some NHS counselling for yourself in the first instance. Ask your GP.

The birth of the first child can bring a lot of unwelcome issues floating to the surface. It sounds to me as though both your husband and mil are re-exploring old patterns of behaviour. You do not have to do things your mil's way. Your baby is your baby. Your husband has to grow up enough to realise that he is a man now and no longer subject to his mother's way of doing things. Even mils have trouble adjusting to this loss of control of their child. That is her problem to work through though.

You must gently but firmly do things your way, -not necessarily your own parents' way either- and attempt to find some common ground with your husband.

This will inevitably involve your husband ceasing to believe that his mother is the ultimate authority of bringing up children, and actually allowing you the autonomy you need. He is being a little controlling at the moment. I think this is largely to do with being in uncharted territories. He has got to adjust though. Good luck.

lolaby - we have a lot in common! I have a ds who's even smaller than yours (5% at last weighing), my ds barely eats, and I'm living in the UK but from another country (the US) - of course I wish I could see my parents more often. I also have a MIL who offers advice about things that don't concern her.

I totally understand why you want to visit your family in France as much as you do. I don't think you go too often - I think it's fantastic that your ds can build a relationship with your family even though they don't live in the same place. By the end of my son's first year I had visited the US with him 4 times. I imagine that I would have gone even more if my family were as close as yours is! And I'm glad that you said your DH supports your visiting your family. It doesn't matter that your MIL does not - it's none of her business. Next time say to her "DH is fine with me going to France and DS handles it very well." End the discussion there. It's odd that she's jealous of your parents seeing your ds a handful of times a year when she sees him 3X a week but MILs are like that sometime. You have made a big sacrifice leaving your country to start a life with DH in his. You should be given as much support as possible in maintaining your family ties, and it is selfish of your MIL (and anyone else) to try and undermine that.

And don't let your MIL use "concern" about your son's eating and weight to control you - it sounds as if she knows it's a sore point with you and that she's using it to her strategic advantage when playing the guilt card.

I'd say keep on keeping your relationship with your husband a priority - what you describe sounds fairly typical to me. Your DH sounds like a decent guy who's also having a hard time adjusting to being a new parent. Remember that you're on the same side in all of this.

One more thing. As a mother of a tiny baby I hate when people say "No baby has ever starved themselves" bc (1) how do they know that's true and (2) even if that is true, what if my ds will be the first?!?! But I agree with everyone else who says to try and relax about your DS's eating. It sounds like he's fine and don't think there's much you can do about it anyway.

Oh, and definitely try to go out more!!! Even a few hours in the evening on the weekend can make you feel like a different person!

sorry all it took me some time to come back...i think all of you are right...my husband and his mum definately think alike, although my husband has often said that all his life he tried to stand up against her but there was no point as she would do as she wants anyway...which is why he does not bother anymore and let her do...however, it is hard for me that my husband does not stand up for me. Tonight also when i said to him i bursted as i have too many things on my chest which i apologize for as it put u in a very awkward situation, he said it was ok and it is something for u to reflect on and learn ur lesson...last night i really shouted back at her and part of me feels bad as i lacked of respect towards her but part of me is relieved that for the first time i really stood up for what i think she should not get involved with..when i said that she should not control me especially when i go to c my parents, he said evry mother will tell their child what they think is right to which i replied i do not think she was right to tell me i should not go too often to france...her main concern is that i leave u alone and if she was so worried about ds, she wouldnt mention the fact that it is not right to go home 10 times a year and i need to take example on my cousin... i think as u all said that she need to control everything and she is jealous of my relationship with my mum....don't get me wrong, she does like me a lot and she really has her good sides( she packs up food for me to take home sometims, when i come and pick up ds...), but then in an argumet situation she mentions how much she does for me and that i am lucky i have her...
dh still tinks that the real problem is the fact that i interprete what people say and i will get upset very quickly...told him we need to go for counselling and categorically refuses as he says it is a waste of time and he does not need it...i am still upset...how to get my anger out is problably through counselling....

sorry need to answer to a few questions: if i go home, as i said to mil(who said i will be even more stressed than when i left) my mum will do most of the cooking, cleaning and she will look after ds when he wakes up very early while i am still sleepy...(my husband also does the latter on sundays...)i do not really have too many problems but my dad injured himself on holiday(slipped) and thought i wanted to be near him too, mil knows he fell but does not seem to see it as a big deal...i have a few other family issues but not with the immediate family, so normally it should really be relaxing....
my mil does welcome my parents and i do not think she dislikes them...it is just the fact that i see them too often lately that she is not very happy about...

lolaby, Haven't read all the posts. I agree with others contact Relate before its too late and you can't mend the relationship.
No words of kindness or thanks from him must be heart breaking. So far from childhood friends and family must be hard too. Do you know any other families with children to have weekend lunch with and socialise so he can see that your care for little one is normal. Other dad helped my DH see the light.

Lolaby - yes, your MIL is being far too interfering.

You really need to face up to this and stand up to her before she breaks your relationship with your partner. Do your own parents know about this? Can you try talking about it with your mother?

Plenty of people on MN have mother-in-law issues - use them to gain strength.

yes my mil is too interfering...she is normally nice as i say looks after ds 3days/week, gives me food, but her personality and her need to control everything is driving me mad!she also thinks that i owe her respect so that whatever she says to me is always right and i do not need to answer... she said that i cannot be a human being if anytime i hear something i interprete it the wrong way...but how else could i have interpreted the fact that she said i do not need to go to france 10 times a year especially as i have msn and my parents can see ds on internet? She also said that my mum sees ds probably more often as i show him on the internet...
just talked to my parents who are soo shocked...they never thought she would dare saying that...they told me that i was right to stand up to her(although my mum always begged me not to answer back to mil as it may have consequences for the rest of my life) but here she is really upset...she told me she had planned to come back to england with me on my return to help me carry things but after all that she probably wont as she will feel very uncomfortable...my parents and mil normally get on and each time my parents come over, they invite them for lunch/dinner (once) to their house...(but my parents do it too)...however i can feel that she sees it more like a duty...i do not want her to win so that i do not see my family very often but if my mum comes at this time, it may get worse...what do u think? it is not as if i saw my mum every week/month(except the last 3 months

lolaby - I think your mother should support you .

She should definitely not be put off coming to England because you are standing up to your MIL. That way your MIL would be controlling her as well as you and your DH.

You all three must stand up to your MIL.

that is what i thought...but am scared that this time that may be a bit too much...it is difficult for me as my parents are abroad and mil and her sisters , bil,sil are my only family here...believe me if i am on her bad side, she can make my life hell...but i have been thinking again and again and definately think she has a jealousy and control issue and was so glad to have told her off...she kept saying i was wrong though...i also asked her if she was jealous but no reply

lolaby - don't give in.

Why should you MIL have the power to make your life hell? That's outrageous. She should have nothing to do with your life unless you and your DH invite her to. The two of you are married adults and you and you alone decide what your life and that of your child(ren) should look like.

Please ensure your parents support you.

my parents fully support me and my mum joked with me ealier about the fact that i did not need to come over as the msn is good enough!
but they are very worried for me and my couple relationship...my husband still stands up for his mum and my mum said it is outrageous...but he does make some effort....

Do you think your MIL is scared that one day you won't come back? Perhaps she has picked up on the tensions between you and your dh and is concerned that you may choose to take ds and not return?

First, seeing your GS on the internet is NOT the same as holding him in your arms and having a cuddle. I know that my parents enjoy watching our DCs on the webcam but they can not touch them, they cannot take part in their everyday life, they cannot put them to bed/in the bath.

I am so that your MIL tries to control your lives to such an extent.

My FIL is a bit like this, you reminded me of him when you mentioned that your MIL gives your food. FIL does this, the moment you are in the door he asked what you want to eat and drink. He always wants to give us food away with us. I feel that he shows his affection by feeding us, he really is a nice man, just rather controlling. We live far enough away that he does not really have a big influence in our lives, but he is very involved in SIL's life.

When we still lived in the same town, we tried to keep our distance from him and MIL as they would otherwise take over, as they have SILs life. They are involved in all of SILs major decisions, which car to buy, how to decorate the house...

It was difficult to make that step away from my PILs, they were a bit hurt by it, but at the end of the day my DH and I decided it had to be done.

Your DH has to realise that you and your DS are his family now, not MIL. His loyalty should be to you. MIL is now his extended family, iyswim, not that he loves her or respects her any less, but she should not be his first priority.

DO NOT let your MIL's comments affect when, where and how often you see your own parents.

Continue to stand up for yourself. You are a grown woman. You are not a child, and you are cetainly not her child. Eventually she will come to accept that she cannot control you and your life. Until then it might be awkward but it will be well worth it in the end.

thanks for ur support...iam not so sure mil knows about the tensions as she rarely sees us both together( i pick him up, he drop him up)...and dh rarely talks to her(she even complains that her ds rarely phones her) .but she may suspect...i don't know...
i do not want to argue with her again but with my temper and my opinion on her now i may well do \it again if needed but\ that will affect my relationship with dh as of course he is not happy about what happened...

lolaby

By standing up to your MIL is not being desrespectful you are just getting her to see you as A) an adult and B) the mother of her DGC.

She has to earn respect it is not altermatically given, it goes both ways.

Go home enjoy your holiday and bring your mum back with you and tell your MIL as she is away you are just covering your child care needs without asking for help.

I would look for alternative childcare, so she can not interfer with how you live your life.

Your family is you, DH and Dc this has to be were your priorities are.

hi there
just went to pick up ds from mil after and she was very nice !!!
i don't know if she is faking it or if she feels sorry about what happened...however she couldnt help telling how ds was freezing this morning when dh brought him to her...but it was very cold this morning...
also did not mention that ds fell quite badly from his car and hit his head on the floor but heard it from his cousin...who said he cried so hard that we had to take him out for him to calm down...
so, is mil perfect and never makes any mistake ???

lolaby

IMO Mothers in Law are all programmed to interfere and manipulate, that is their role in life, once you can accept that you can start to ignore 99% of what they say! Your MiL is a classic manipulator. She is jealous of you because you have her son, she is still trying to control him by making him doubt you. Don't let her come between the two of you.

Reading back through your thread you were worried about your DS's weight in comparison to charts. These charts are dreamt up by scientists. Apparently all children must fall somewhere between 0% and 100%. All children are different some are small, some are large, some are in between. Your DS is on the 9th centile like my DD was at the same age, she is now 6yo and still slim, so what? These charts are not created for the benefit of the parents they just make it easier for the Health Visitor to pigeon hole your child.

BTW Tesco clothes are made for big children, my DS was wearing 2-3y when she was 5yo, I would recommend french made clothes which are generally a smaller and slimmer fit.

toasted teacake, i keep telling myself that she is controlling, jealous,...and that it is her problem but i cannot avoid getting upset by her comments...how do u set your mind up???