To ask you to settle disagreement over DH's role?

[afewvindako]

Disagreement over DH's contribution to night feeds here. What is the general consensus on Mumsnet? Assuming baby under 6 months is bottle fed, mum is stay at home mum on maternity leave and dad is breadwinner (WFH during pandemic). Assuming mum does the parenting and housework during working hours whilst dad works at desk job, then during evenings and at weekends parenting / childcare is shared along with housework.

Should:
A) mum and dad split night feeds 50/50
B) mum does night feeds week nights and dad does weekends
C) mum does all night feeds

If Dad does his share of childcare and housework during evenings and weekends then

D. Mum does night feeds weekdays, 50/50 night feeds at weekends.

I would say dad does 2 nights a week - maybe one weekend night, one night mid week.

How much housework do you have?

How many night feeds on average?

I’m all for splitting night feeds 50/50.

Either shifts in the night, one in charge 9-2 then 2-6 Ian or one night on and one night off.

Whatever works. There is no formula (pun not intended). I breastfed but DH gave a bottle of expressed milk at 10 pm. I did the other night feeds.
I got a lie in on both weekends and still do (we both work but I do more of the childcare and housework as DH works longer hours). DH is an early riser even on weekends.
It’s up to each couple to negotiate this in an adult manner remembering that both are equal parents. Somehow 90% of men on MN didn’t get the equal parent memo.

I agree with Dad doing approx 2 nights worth of feeds per week. Each gets one weekend day lie in. Maybe Dad also does any evening/dreamfeeds required so Mum can get an early night if baby is up a lot in the night.

If Dad has to be up in the morning to work (whether at home or out of the home) then mum does all the night feeds.

Dad does two nights. One during the week and one weekend. Hour many hours cleaning etc do you reckon your house needs? Can he not do bath time? Take turns to cook and clean up?

Dad does night feeds on one weekend night, either Friday or Saturday

Are there other children at home with the mum in the day, or just the baby?

If it's just one child, I think I agree with option D - mum does night feeds in the week and they split 50/50 at weekends. However, I might revise that view if mum is also looking after older children at home during the day.

Your DH role is to be a parent to his child and supportive to you.

There is no ‘rule’ - he just does what’s required.

If you’re up doing every night feed and you are exhausted then he should step up and help you regardless of what day of the week it is.

I'm with D too.

Mum has the option to pass out on the sofa and use very little of her brain and nap when baby sleeps.

I assume this is not an option for the dad working 9-5.

We have done the same throughout mat leave and now I'm back in work full time. He makes the bottle and then goes back to sleep I nurse baby and feed. Works for us, she is a terrible sleeper to so still waking 3/4/100 times a night!

Everyone is different but if it was me then Od day Mum does night feeds Sun-Thurs, Friday and Saturday nights are split one each.

B or D

@AlexaShutUp

Are there other children at home with the mum in the day, or just the baby?

If it's just one child, I think I agree with option D - mum does night feeds in the week and they split 50/50 at weekends. However, I might revise that view if mum is also looking after older children at home during the day.

I agree with this, option D is the fairest in my mind. ( disclaimer that I didn't bottle feed so can't say this worked for me etc it's just how I imagine i would do it if it were me)

To add, on weekends he will get up with baby and I lie in. He also does half of house work, but has always done that.

When I was on maternity leave I would do the feeds during the week and DH used to do Friday and Saturday night. I used to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room it was lovely.

50/50

Home with a baby is more tiring than working from home.

What works best for the family. Probably something like B. I'm currently the sole working adult and I would think my DH unreasonable if we still had night waking children and he wanted me to get up to them on a equal basis with him- I have to start my job on time, he has far more flexibility.

Mum does 4/5 weekday night feeds, Dad 1/5. Then a weekend night each. I'd prefer Sunday lie in if I were doing Friday night feeds.

Just for this situation. Not in general.

I breast fed so DH couldn't do feeds. But he did night nappies and settling if needed and I was struggling to stay awake.

50/50, my DH always shared the night loads once baby was no longer EBF. And that was when working in an office.

I needed it, I don't do well on no sleep. If the mother genuinely doesn't mind taking the weeknight feeds etc, then fair enough. Weekends should then be split.

Dad does weekends in your situation.

I breastfed, but dh would get up and take dc downstairs after the first morning feed and let me catch up a bit. He’d also quite often hear the crying first and hop out of bed to bring dc to me during the night.

I think it is entirely reasonable that the working parent helps. All people need sleep, not just people who work. It is not right for one parent to get near perfect sleep and the other to be a complete wreck due to sleep deprivation.

He should do 50/50. He’s WFH.