To ask you to settle disagreement over DH's role?

[afewvindako]

Disagreement over DH's contribution to night feeds here. What is the general consensus on Mumsnet? Assuming baby under 6 months is bottle fed, mum is stay at home mum on maternity leave and dad is breadwinner (WFH during pandemic). Assuming mum does the parenting and housework during working hours whilst dad works at desk job, then during evenings and at weekends parenting / childcare is shared along with housework.

Should:
A) mum and dad split night feeds 50/50
B) mum does night feeds week nights and dad does weekends
C) mum does all night feeds

TBH I don,t think there is a right way. I think it about making a way work for your family. I did the majority of night feeds as I predominately BF. And my husband just wouldn,t wake for baby even if baby was in our room.

I answered 50/50 upthread but it has amazed me to come back and read how many think the stay at home parent should do all night feeds in the week. If I’d done that my DH’s life would have remained virtually the same whilst I would have been completely sleep deprived and driven around the bend. Incredible how people see things so differently.

I did 90% of night feeds for all 3 kids but I was off work and he wasn't. But the trade off was that he got up with the kids at 6am on the wknds and I slept in until around 8/9am or so. I do think most couples come to some sort of arrangement that's fair and works for both - everyone deserves some rest and you don't want resentment to build.

I did the night feeds during the week - usually around 11pm and 2am and then I would go the spare room to get some sleep leaving DH in our room with the (sleeping) baby and he did the early morning feed at whatever time that was - usually from 5:30am onwards. He’d then be up for the day and he handed baby back to me before going to work about 7:30am so I got a decent stretch of sleep from 2pm onwards. We’d do this on weekdays and one weekend day and then swap over the shifts on the other weekend day

I think the family financial setup may be a factor in determining roles too.

If it has been agreed that both parents pay 50/50 on household expenses then it would seem unfair if the mum is then doing 95% childcare, 95% housework and still paying 50% of household expenses as well as having adversely affected her career by taking maternity leave. In these circumstances, I think the dad should be doing half the night shifts.

This would also enable the mum to recover faster before returning to work.

Splitting things 50/50 should apply to all elements (childcare, housework, paying bills etc) of running a family if that's the agreement.

I have a friend whose husband insisted on everything being 50/50. Although he didn't seem to think this should apply to him doing his share when she was on maternity leave.

A relative was berating her for having her husband do night shifts, saying it was her job as she was on maternity leave.

The relative wrongly assumed the father was financially supporting his wife on maternity leave.

My friend pointed out that she was supporting herself on maternity leave and paying for that choice so why shouldn't her husband too. It was him that had insisted on everything being 50/50.

We do it this way (it by no means is the right way but works for us)

Mum does all night feeds, dad gets up every day and both days on weekend with baby at 5.30 mum sleeps til 8/9am.

It's not about money though. Really.

It's about family. And mucking in. The utilitarian approach in so many families is really surprising.

With at least 4 in 10 women experiencing mental health issues perinatally, and looking at this thread. The idea that couples/ families are in it together is pretty much not there. It's all about divvying up labour Vs income.

Depends on the baby. Both of mine at breastfed so feeds are on me, but very different babies. DC2 is 16 weeks and sleeping through most nights for now anyway, or has one feed and quickly back down. So I do them as why would I not.

DC1 was the every two hours type, and needed to be held upright after for up to an hour because of silent reflux. So obviously that was unsustainable for me to do it all. I did the feeds and DH did about half of the settling and all the nappy changes.

I think with two feeds, assuming they're straightforward, you should do one each. Being up once a night I find I can sustain for quite a while, but twice is pretty rough and I personally would find it much harder to be up twice three nights a week and not at all four nights.

In any partnership, if one parent is getting seven full nights of sleep a week and the other is going around like a zombie, something has gone terribly wrong.

I'm quite surprised by the number of comments suggesting that the mum does all the feeds so that the man can be fresh for work, as if looking after a baby isn't work. I don't know how many of those posts came from mums who had their babies a number of years ago or are of an older generation, and how many came from current mums of babies or women under 40, but it's surprising - and to be honest quite disappointing - that so many women feel the man's comfort and wellbeing comes top. In my post I mentioned he was breadwinner but that doesn't mean that mum contributes nothing, or that her contribution is secondary. Some of these posts read like we are in the 1950's.

@afewvindako I agree - I found looking after the baby to be very demanding work. I think the attitude of the working parent needing to be ‘fresh’ for work is even more bizarre when most women experience sickness and chronic sleep deprivation during pregnancy while still working full time and commuting etc. But when the baby is born suddenly it’s top priority that dad doesn’t miss sleep or get tired at work.

We do 50/50
Baby doesn’t nap for very long so it’s not like a get a chance to catch up on sleep during the day.
DH has a desk job, not down a coal mine, so he doesn’t need any more sleep than I do.

@Cattenberg my thoughts exactly!!

I'm quite surprised by the number of comments suggesting that the mum does all the feeds so that the man can be fresh for work, as if looking after a baby isn't work.

Looking after a baby is work, but the demands are different. When I go to work I have to be up, ready and out at a certain time, to arrive on time, to be fairly well presented, etc. When at home there is much more flexibility. I am under 40, have three children, EBF them all, work outside the home and know that managing night waking when not having to be at work outside the home was far easier than managing it when working outside the home. It's not about the sex of the parent undertaking the role, it's not about "the 1950s", it's about actual lived experience. If you were the one going to work and your partner was at home with the baby I would have the same thoughts- that seeking to establish an inflexible rule about who does which feeds is silly, that what matters is what works for each individual family, that there has to be some recognition of the demands each adult is having made of them, etc.

I’m not generalising here about all men - there are some fantastic fathers out there.

But even my Dh, he will do anything he’s asked to for the children. My babies have always been quick nightfeed and easy to settle and co slept with me, so it’s just easier for me to do. We’ve had the off night with the youngest though where she’s been very windy and I’ve woken up Dh and he’s taken over without question for as long as it takes.

The point is, he’s one of those men who will do what he’s ASKED. It drives me fucking insane. He’s the parent as well. Sometimes it’s as if he’s a friend who’s come over to help out. He’s even said in the past “just tell me what to do, I’ll do anything to help”. I’ve pointed out until I’m blue in the face that you can’t ‘help’ with your own child.

Yet if I’m not here, he copes just fine. It’s bizzare. It’s not like he expects me to do everything. If I tell him what to do, I could sit on my bum all day. But if I’m not here he’s fine. I cannot get to the bottom of it.

Depends how many night feeds I think. We went for B with the current baby who slept relatively well from birth. First baby was a nightmare so had to be A.

Definitely ensure there is a precedent for sharing though. You are on maternity leave from your 9-5 job not 24/7!

I agree OP. I went back to work and it was so much easier (and better for me mentally) when I went back to work. As in dealing with work was just a whole lot easier than dealing with a yelling newborn and juggling housework. DH thoroughly agrees btw.

If dad has to be up to work mum does night feeds. Dad could do a weekend night. Worked pretty well for us. All childcare and housework was shared when dad was at home

Dad does Fri & Sat night feeds.

E. both mum and dad do all night feeds. One does feeding and the other does the burping/nappy change/settling back to sleep. (In this case both mum and dad worked full time.)

This worked for us because it meant we were up more often than a 50/50 split but we were up for less time each feed so it was easier to go back to sleep (never mind the fact that night feeds were hardly ever occurring as an even number each night).

What on earth is the point of you both losing sleep? The couple of minutes saved from working side by side is inconsequential

Based on your update I think 50/50 is broadly fair. Obviously there may be times when one of you is ill or has loads on or something but it sounds like most of the time 50/50 would work well. Looking after a baby all day is physically and emotionally draining.

I don't know how many of those posts came from mums who had their babies a number of years ago or are of an older generation,

This is a nice bit of casual ageism.

I think I am just outwith the young enough to have a valid opinion but actually the main issues haven't changed that much.

It isn't about a man's comfort and well being coming first. That isn't what people are saying. They are saying that when you are on ML you can spend the day in pj's, not brush your hair, doze at bit etc.

If you are working you need to be up and presentable, often alert enough to drive safely and able to function as normal in your job.

@afewvindako

I'm quite surprised by the number of comments suggesting that the mum does all the feeds so that the man can be fresh for work, as if looking after a baby isn't work. I don't know how many of those posts came from mums who had their babies a number of years ago or are of an older generation, and how many came from current mums of babies or women under 40, but it's surprising - and to be honest quite disappointing - that so many women feel the man's comfort and wellbeing comes top. In my post I mentioned he was breadwinner but that doesn't mean that mum contributes nothing, or that her contribution is secondary. Some of these posts read like we are in the 1950's.

It’s not about comfort, it’s about practicality and safety.

Yes, when I was at home with a baby it was work, but it was a hell of a lot safer for me to be tired after broken sleep than DH driving down the M6 or hanging from a pylon.

Not a single person suggested you weren’t contributing anything. That’s a massive extrapolation.

I breastfed so did everything. Husband did everything else.

could the night feeds be taken in shifts?
Dp always went to bed late, so he would do any nightwakings before about 2 or 3am and id go to bed early, and then I would do any after that time.