To ask you to settle disagreement over DH's role?

[afewvindako]

Disagreement over DH's contribution to night feeds here. What is the general consensus on Mumsnet? Assuming baby under 6 months is bottle fed, mum is stay at home mum on maternity leave and dad is breadwinner (WFH during pandemic). Assuming mum does the parenting and housework during working hours whilst dad works at desk job, then during evenings and at weekends parenting / childcare is shared along with housework.

Should:
A) mum and dad split night feeds 50/50
B) mum does night feeds week nights and dad does weekends
C) mum does all night feeds

@PumpkinsPatch

50/50

Home with a baby is more tiring than working from home.

Well that’s just ridiculous.

You have no idea who is having a harder time of it.

Home with a baby is more tiring than working from home.

Depends on the job, surely. And the baby!

When our DD’s were babies we used to split the night - DH would stay up until 1/2am - he always has done and still does now and I would take over from then. It worked well for us.

Dad should be doing some night feeds. How that works out exactly isn’t clear. I know some families where the man is a bit of a night owl anyway so just stays up for the first feed. Or he is the one who gets up on weekends and mom sleeps as late as she needs. Or he always takes the 2am slot. Lots of ways to work it out. I wouldn’t expect 50/50, but he should be doing some.

@Comefromaway

If Dad has to be up in the morning to work (whether at home or out of the home) then mum does all the night feeds.

The assumption here is that the mum sits in her backside doing nothing all day. Looking after a baby is hard! You can’t just go for a nap if you’re exhausted you know.

Oh and DH and I have both WFH for the entirety of DD’s life and even before. It’s hard work that requires intense focus, we just happened to want to live away from our respective companies and they liked us each enough to keep us on remotely. It’s just as intense as being in the office, the only caveat is an easier dress code and no commute.

I'd say D as well.

DS1 and DDiL bottle fed DGS. DDiL did mid evening feed then went to bed. DS1 did late feed, say 11-12pm or so, then DDiL did night feeds. DS1 did early morning 6ish, then went to work. They took turns at weekend lie in (and still do).

I have an 8 week old and I just do them all to be honest.

We co sleep, I have a perfect prep machine right next to my side of the bed. It’s just a case of picking up Dd, making a bottle, she’s a little eater, only 2oz a time (that’s another thread) and then she’s right back to sleep. I’m only awake for ten mins twice a night and don’t leave the bed unless I need a wee.

I’d still have to wake up if Dh fed her. She sleeps in the crook of my arm and since a couple of weeks old I wake before she cries anyway. So I’d have to wake him up, he’d have to walk round to my side to make the bottle, the machine is bloody loud. It would just be a ballache all round.

He does his fair share with everything else though and a spends a lot of time with the baby in the day and the other children. I never make a bottle in the day. He works from the bedroom at the mo so I text him to bring one down.

I did just spend three years working 12 hour nightshifts though. So this is a fucking walk in the park compared to that.

Looking after a baby is hard! You can’t just go for a nap if you’re exhausted you know.

I don't think anyone is saying that it's easy. Anybody who has been there will know that it's hard work looking after a baby, mainly because of the relentlessness of it. However, although you can't just go off and have a nap whenever you feel like it, there is still plenty of scope for periods of downtime throughout the day, and it simply isn't cognitively demanding in the way that many jobs are.

I did all the night feeds when dd was a baby because she was bf and wouldn't even take expressed milk. It was infinitely easier to do this when I was at home with her the next day than when I had to go to the office and function on a professional level. The two are not comparable in my view, though I do think it's different if mum is also looking after a toddler during the day as well as baby.

As for wfh, I actually find it more intense and tiring than working in an office environment.

Neither option look right to me.. Dad should be doing 1 weekend night(he needs some time off too) and 1-2 week nights as it is not sustainable to have you not sleeping for 5 nights at all

It was 50/50 in this house, DS now 18 months (and we still alternate bed time and lie ins) I don’t see a reason for that not to be the case if bottle fed. And even if breastfeeding there’s plenty the partner can do to make it easier for Mum through the night.

A it should be 50/50 or there abouts

Ex worked Monday-Friday and drove to work. He did Friday night until Saturday 9am while I did Saturday-Thursday. He slept in until 9am on Sundays

I was a SAHM and I did the weeknight feeds when DH was working. DH and I would share night feeds/weekend lie-ins etc.

I think Dad should probably be picking up about 3 nights per week here. It’s utterly exhausting looking after a baby and doing all the nights.

Yes he could just do one or both weekend nights if he were travelling in to work, but I’m working from home full time (kids school age) and it’s much less tiring than looking after a baby. You do need to be able to concentrate, but maybe the one who does the night feeds doesn’t get up first in the morning.

No set rule though other than one of you shouldn’t be exhausted while the other fine. And neither person should be left with 100% of night feeds.

None of those options.

Mum does night feeds during week and at the weekend mum and dad do one each.

• None of those options.

Mum does night feeds during week and at the weekend mum and dad do one each.*

This option gets my vote.

A.

We split the night feeds 50/50. My OH works from home. Now DD is 10 months we do alternate days as to who gets up early to do the first feed as she sleeps through the night.

I found looking after DD knackering, much harder work than when I used to work full time in an office. We both thought it was fair for us to share the night feeds.

If there is a 10/11pm feed, could Dad do that one so mum can go to bed early and get a good stretch of sleep then?

Another vote for
D. Mum does night feeds weekdays, 50/50 night feeds at weekends.

Depends on many factors. With my most recent baby (now 11 months) I had two other children under 5 at home with me as well, all day every day (thank you lockdown...). This was harder than my husbands 9-5 job and literally meant I didn't get a minute ever, all day, so he did most of the night feeds once she was at a consistent one-feed-night. Prior to this we did a feed each throughout the night.

If your husband is a brain surgeon or has a really taxing commute or job and you're at home with just the baby, then it would obviously be different.

D - dad does Saturday night only

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

DS1 and DDiL bottle fed DGS. DDiL did mid evening feed then went to bed. DS1 did late feed, say 11-12pm or so, then DDiL did night feeds. DS1 did early morning 6ish, then went to work. They took turns at weekend lie in (and still do).

This works best.

I’m inclined to vote 50-50 only because this time on maternity leave often sets a dangerous precedent where the dad thinks his job is somehow unaffected by having a baby and then when the mum goes back to work it’s hard to shift that - especially if mum is back part-time.

But in reality, it would be unfair to make the person currently working full time for an external employer do 50% of nights.

What matters most is being kind and respectful to each other’s needs, not doubling-down on who has it hardest and what is ‘fair’.