To ask you to settle disagreement over DH's role?

[afewvindako]

Disagreement over DH's contribution to night feeds here. What is the general consensus on Mumsnet? Assuming baby under 6 months is bottle fed, mum is stay at home mum on maternity leave and dad is breadwinner (WFH during pandemic). Assuming mum does the parenting and housework during working hours whilst dad works at desk job, then during evenings and at weekends parenting / childcare is shared along with housework.

Should:
A) mum and dad split night feeds 50/50
B) mum does night feeds week nights and dad does weekends
C) mum does all night feeds

D

It depends on the while family dynamic I think.

If mum can rest during the day when baby is napping (no other children or work) then I think mum should do week night feeds and then get one night off at the weekend.

If there are other kids in the family (that aren't full time school or nursery) or both parents are working then I think it's fair to do 50/50

Or at least that's how we muddled through.

@MasksGlovesSoapScrubs

Rule? F that it's 50/50. This whole oh your husbands work please lick his shoes when he comes in. What are we in the 1950's? Ridiculous. He is a parent regardless of if he works. Being at home with a child is harder. Boohoo he has to do a night feed then be up maybe 3 hours later.

This whole oh your husbands work please lick his shoes when he comes in.

No one has said or implied anything like this throughout the thread, why pretend otherwise?

Two children and I've never done a night feed even during my very limited maternity leave. Every time I looked up, DH was missioning out of the room to get them. My dad worked full time while my mum stayed at home, and my mum still doesn't know how to make a bottle as he used to do them all for her so he could be part of taking care of me even when he was at work.

He's missing out on being present with his child during the day, and looking after a baby is bloody hard. He should do at minimum 50/50 of the night feeds seven days a week: but I'd sell it more as him not missing out on being her father and her growing used to him not being involved.

I reckon this would be very fair:

Sunday & Monday night: SAHP
Tuesday night: WAHP
Wednesday & Thursday night: SAHP
Friday & Saturday night: WAHP

I woudl be doing option D too.

I EBF and so I did all nigth feeds.
BUT on Saturday dh used to take the baby after the first morning feed, and left me to go back to sleep.

And also my babies were good sleepers, and dropped nigth feeds early.

So much depends on the baby, the WFH, the other things dh does and what works for you as a couple.

In principle, if the mum says - HELP I can't do this, then he really needs ot listen.

Our preferred pattern for both DC (although DH was working in the office rather than from home) was:

During the week DH would do the last bottle at night (anything up to 11pm depending on the pattern we were in) which meant I could get an early night and not have to get up until say 2/3am. I would then do the morning feed and with DC2 DH would take DC1 to nursery. At the weekend we just alternated feeds (more so with DC1 as they had our sole attention and were on a proper schedule after NICU, DC2 we only really alternated the night feed at the weekend as other feeds just feel to whoever wasn't playing with DC1).

C - sorry but if not working I don’t see why you wouldn’t do them all?

I think the night feeds should be shared, even if not 50/50. Although it might depend on how demanding the job is and how often the baby wakes in the night.

I’m one of those who found WFH/in an office FAR easier than looking after a baby all day. When working, I could go to the toilet or get a drink safe in the knowledge that none of my colleagues would scream for me, try to eat a blanket, pull the cat’s tail or climb the shelves. I could also eat my lunch while it was still hot and and wash up without having to stop to clear up a poonami. I occasionally had to deal with rude colleagues or clients, but none of them screamed at me for two hours.

@WankPuffins

Being at home with a child is harder.

See, I disagree with this. Even after the toughest night, you are still at home. You don’t have to get up and showered and dressed if you don’t want to, you can nap with the baby (assuming other children are at school or are happy to chill on the bed with an iPad while you nap as mine is). You don’t have to speak to anyone or be responsible for work.

I’d rather be at home with a baby than at work anytime. If I was working full time, I’d find it hard to concentrate on broken sleep.

(I do appreciate that we are all different and some people find it harder than others looking after a baby though).

I wouldn't feel comfortable letting my children play on an iPad though 🤷🏻‍♀️

They have though unmarked.

DD was a terrible sleeper, she would be awake for hours and hours, needing rocked, screaming after a feed (colic/reflux/personality) then wide awake at 5am every morning. So we both mucked in as much as we could for the first year as sleep deprivation was killing me.

DS would wake up, quick bottle then snuggle to sleep in less than 30 mins so I did most feeds during the week then we split 50/50 weekends with one lie in each.

I guess I’m just so useless with poor sleep that I’d prefer (a) to have a long stretch myself and (b) not to jeopardise DH’s career by having us both up multiple times a night, which is why I’d go for the shift scenario if I had your situation. Although my DH is fine on low sleep so it probably would be ok for him, but if I was going to work all day and waking up multiple times a night I know it would definitely impact my performance.

Looking after a baby is hard! You can’t just go for a nap if you’re exhausted you know.
Of course it is. But it's really not the same as having to perform your work role whilst feeling exhausted, it absolutely isn't.

Although @NoSquirrels recommendation looks great actually, as it means the working parent only does one weeknight nights worth of feeds but still does 3/7 nights a week.

Mine is 6. A bit of mine craft is fine!

Sorry that was for @MasksGlovesSoapScrubs - again we are all different with what we do and don’t do!

He does the night feeds on a Saturday night and gets a lie in on the Sunday. You do the rest of the week and get a Saturday lie in.

But it's really not the same as having to perform your work role whilst feeling exhausted, it absolutely isn't.

I’ve done both (mat leave and then full time work while doing all night feeds). Both are very tiring, not much to choose between them.

When mine where young I did all night feeds unless I went out never occur to me to ask him to feed them

We shared feeds with dd, whoever woke up first really. With the dts we both usually got up as it was quicker.

Dh did late evening feed so I could go to bed about 8ish. Then he did Friday and Saturday night feeds

a

Fairest way. During working hours each are doing their own “job”. Evenings and weekends childcare shared. Night feeds 50/50 the whole time. That way every one has a shot at being vaguely rested rather than one parent exhausted.

We split them into "shifts" I'm more of a night owl and when DS was first born getting to sleep was a challenge for me so I'd do the first shift which ended around 4am. Anything after that DH would get up with DS and I could sleep then. It meant we both got a similar amount of sleep just at different times. However I don't know if this would have been sustainable when I went back to work etc as we lucked out sleep wise.

There can't be a hard and fast rule, you have to do what works for you. How difficult is your baby during the day? How stressful is your husband's job? Personally I found looking after a baby harder than most of the desk-based jobs I've had, but I know not everyone has that experience.

What it comes down to is: how exhausted are you both currently, and is it affecting your mental health (or threatening to)? If you are going doo-lally from the exhaustion while he gets 7 hours sleep every night, he should probably do more. If you are both feeling ok and able to do your respective jobs (and looking after a baby is a job) then leave things as they are.

Personally I'd say it would be reasonable to ask him to do 2 or 3 of the nights and you do 4 or 5.