To ask you to settle disagreement over DH's role?

[afewvindako]

Disagreement over DH's contribution to night feeds here. What is the general consensus on Mumsnet? Assuming baby under 6 months is bottle fed, mum is stay at home mum on maternity leave and dad is breadwinner (WFH during pandemic). Assuming mum does the parenting and housework during working hours whilst dad works at desk job, then during evenings and at weekends parenting / childcare is shared along with housework.

Should:
A) mum and dad split night feeds 50/50
B) mum does night feeds week nights and dad does weekends
C) mum does all night feeds

My ex would help with night feeds and have her in the evening so I could sleep, because I was so tired I didn't feel safe looking after her or driving my car.

It’s not about comfort, it’s about practicality and safety

Not really though is it. Husband works at a desk in the spare room in his pyjama bottoms. He's not carrying out heart surgery.

This is a nice bit of casual ageism.

So it's not the case that marriages were less equal generations ago than they are now?

I am also with D. Maybe your Dh could get up ans take the little one for a bit before work in a morning to give you a rest if he hasn’t been up in the night.

So it's not the case that marriages were less equal generations ago than they are now?

How old do you consider people over 40 to be? Seriously, what do you think has changed that radically in the last 15 years or so.

Huge sweeping statements about older people is ageism.

It's not sexist and old-fashioned just as people aren't saying what you want to hear OP (well, some people). Paid work is not comparable to looking after a baby though both are work. I went back to work early as we needed my income. On the days I was working, OH was with our baby. He got up in the night when he was at home (the night before) and I did on the days I was. Then we slept early when we needed to. It would have been lovely to have an evening together but for a few months we didn't and it's not long-term so it's not something to complain about. Heart surgery or not, your OH needs to be fresh enough to produce enough to keep his job. Looking after a baby is very demanding but there are other solutions which leave you both getting enough sleep (such as v. early evening) rather than your OH getting up in the night before he goes to work. Your sleep is important too, of course but the solution I think lies in flexibility rather than rigid rules and expectations that some things don't change.

Why does he need to be ‘fresh’ for work? Many many women go to work desperately tired. Even women surgeons. I mean maternity leave is a ‘job’ where you are never guaranteed a break and can’t really take time off if you are sick or under the weather. The vast majority of working mothers I know will admit that going to work is much much much easier than looking after a newborn 24/7. If it wasn’t btw, men would be all over taking paternity leave.
Your DH has a job and you have a job. When he’s home he does his equal share.

Yes we sacrificed all our evenings. I slept early, DH slept at 10/11 am after a dream feed. I then did the rest of the feeds till 5/6 and then DH took over and I slept till 7. Then DH handed them back to me and went to get ready for work. And usually managed to do the dishwasher, make me breakfast and a sandwich for lunch and run a laundry load, get himself showered and ready by 8. It’s all about having a mindset where you see yourself as truly equal partners.

Also, actually the first six months with a newborn are just about survival. There’s plenty of time for romantic evenings in the future but the first six months are about prioritising sleep at whatever time you can get it.

A sensible option, as he is not commuting would be for him to get up with the baby and have control until say half eight when he starts work

C.

That’s the point of maternity leave. If breadwinner DH loses job how will that help the family?

Also imperative to establish a good night routine. Which is easier with a formula fed baby given you can work out exactly how much milk they have had. Mine were sleeping through (breast fed) at an early point. Sometimes if we had an early wake up DH would take them to let me sleep but once paternity leave is over he needs to concentrate on work.

An alternative would be shared parental leave and if so the roles can be reversed. Yet another important reason for women to be financially equal. This is not sexist, meeely practical

Dad does Friday Saturday night and has lie in both these days

Mum does Sunday to Thursday feeds and gets all the lie ins the morning after

@Dishwashersaurous

Why just survive though if you can both have evenings AND not be knackered :-)

How can mum have a lie in Monday to Friday if her partner is at work? Who is looking after the baby while Mum has this mythical lie in?
In the last week my baby has begun sleeping later in the morning but is awake until 4 or 5 in the morning so it's not really a lie in just my sleep.
I don't think I would cope in a relationship where my husband never did night feeds because for some reason dad's sleep on the weekend is more important than mum's. I'm 40 and that's how it's been with all our children
I do the week, he does the weekend. I never get a lie in but at least I get to sleep on Friday and Saturday nights.

@ChaBishkoot

Why does he need to be ‘fresh’ for work? Many many women go to work desperately tired. Even women surgeons. I mean maternity leave is a ‘job’ where you are never guaranteed a break and can’t really take time off if you are sick or under the weather. The vast majority of working mothers I know will admit that going to work is much much much easier than looking after a newborn 24/7. If it wasn’t btw, men would be all over taking paternity leave. Your DH has a job and you have a job. When he’s home he does his equal share.

Exactly.

Plus dads need to be involved with caring from the beginning otherwise you get "oh I just do it because it's quicker", "he doesn't know how", and "oh the baby just won't settle for him".

Besides, our first baby was a difficult baby - even with DH helping as much as possible I was exhausted. More than once I skipped the human interaction at baby classes I desperately wanted because I didn't feel safe to drive. DD would only nap on me so I needed to be rested enough not to fall asleep on the sofa while holding her.

I don't see what finances have to do with it - I earn more than DH and have a good maternity package, so for most of my leave I'm still bringing in more than him. Does that make it more ok that he helps overnight?

When we had to do nightfeeds (thank god those days are long gone!), I did the night feeds Sunday-Thursday, my partner did Friday and I did Saturday. I had a lie in on Saturday morning, he had his on Sunday morning.

I did all night feeds because I BF, but DH did try with expressed overnight on a Friday/Saturday but DS wasn't having it. Instead DH would take him for a few hours in the evening so I could have a bath , read a book cook dinner etc and he'd get up around 6am with us, I'd feed him then go back to sleep until about 8/8:30, but there were times on mat leave I could just lounge on the sofa watching Christmas films whilst having a cuddle with DS or he was on his playmat etc, or my plans for the day would be going for a walk and having coffee with a friend or baby massage group, DH works in the criminal justice sector with both dangerous and vulnerable people so needs his wits about him if I was tired I could adjust what he did that day to suit you can't if you're working full time. When I went back to work in a similar area things changed and we've taken turns since with who gets up if DS wakes up and the other wears ear plugs

I don't think there's a right or wrong.

I do think though that arguing about who is more tired or who has it harder, rather than just being kind to each other and working as a team, is the start of the route to divorce.

Whatever your happy with
I was sahm and dh worked so i did night feeds as i could catch up on sleep etc , didn't have to be up dressed and out the house at 7 pm
But dh helped in evenings so i could have a break , got up at weekends of i needed lie in or seemed tired
We just worked as a team

I’ve always breastfed so night feeds have always been on me. I could pump but I just can’t be arsed, it’s too much effort for little return. I found co-sleeping saved my sanity.

If I bottle fed I’d definitely expect DH to help out during the night, probably more so at the weekend so he could still function at work. If you don’t have older children you can nap during the day when the baby does.

I'd say D too. Whilst looking after a baby is knackering and exhausting and 24/7, it is virtually impossible to concentrate at work and do a good job with sleep deprivation. Looking after a baby does not require the same level of concentration. It's nothing to do with it being the 1950s, it's to do with who is on parental leave.

My DH had a long commute, so was concerned about his safety if he was driving while extremely tired. Whereas I was at home all day and while not nice to be tired it wasn't a matter of safety in the same way.

He usually did the feeds on friday and saturday night when he didn't have to drive in the morning.

@afewvindako

I'm quite surprised by the number of comments suggesting that the mum does all the feeds so that the man can be fresh for work, as if looking after a baby isn't work. I don't know how many of those posts came from mums who had their babies a number of years ago or are of an older generation, and how many came from current mums of babies or women under 40, but it's surprising - and to be honest quite disappointing - that so many women feel the man's comfort and wellbeing comes top. In my post I mentioned he was breadwinner but that doesn't mean that mum contributes nothing, or that her contribution is secondary. Some of these posts read like we are in the 1950's.

Meh. Raising children is not the work of a moment. I did all the night feeds while on mat leave - less faff than waking the sleeping dead and when I went back to work. DH stepped in for weaning/the wandering 2am toddler years when they would settle faster for him than me. He worked for a particularly old fashioned type who made snarky comments about "the wife doing it" at any opportunity. Wouldn't give him the ammunition to not promote DH to be honest. Our jobs have had peaks and troughs over the years, we pick up the slack for each other when one of us starts a new role and needs to focus and impress. He's the first one to pitch in when one of them are vomiting or generally needing attention. There are different ways to be "equal" over the journey towards booting them into adulthood 😂