To ask you to settle disagreement over DH's role?

[afewvindako]

Disagreement over DH's contribution to night feeds here. What is the general consensus on Mumsnet? Assuming baby under 6 months is bottle fed, mum is stay at home mum on maternity leave and dad is breadwinner (WFH during pandemic). Assuming mum does the parenting and housework during working hours whilst dad works at desk job, then during evenings and at weekends parenting / childcare is shared along with housework.

Should:
A) mum and dad split night feeds 50/50
B) mum does night feeds week nights and dad does weekends
C) mum does all night feeds

@PourMeAGlassOfMilk

If there is a 10/11pm feed, could Dad do that one so mum can go to bed early and get a good stretch of sleep then?

I don't have kids but this is what my best friend did. She went to bed at 8pm so she could get a good stretch of sleep while her husband did the 11pm feed, then she would be up for the early hours ones. It worked for them, from what she said.

We always did -

Sun-thurs - I did night feeds
Fri & sat - DH did night feeds

I took over from 6am Sunday morning so he had a long lie after night feed on Saturday.

In our house I did all night feeds because I was awake anyway so there was no point in us both being tired. BUT he cooked every day, he did bath time, he did late feeds so I could chill and relax and he did early morning feeds before heading out to work.

As long as he is doing his fair share in other ways, I would choose whichever way means everyone gets some rest.

Completely 50-50.
He has a lunch break so can have a nap then, she can nap during a baby nap. If alternating nights, then neither will end up exhausted. That's what we did with my first, when we were both off, when we were both working when just I was working and when just he was working.

If the feeds are literally a 10 minutes job, and baby is a very good napper in the day, then
perhaps the bulk should fall on the woman, but she can call in reinforcements if there is prolonged waking.

As an alternative, mum does the night feeds in the week, but dad gets up with baby, gives breakfast, gets baby ready for the day and mum sleeps in until about a minute to 9.

In definitely think that things should start from a basis of equality though, as the more of a 'default parent' one becomes, the harder it is to rebalance, and going back to work usually just means things get busier for the woman if this hasn't been sorted long before.

Mum does all night feeds during the week, dad does 2 nights at the weekend - Friday and Saturday so he can get a decent nights sleep Sunday. It would be unreasonable to expect him to do 50-50 during the week as he's working. Whatever mums say, being a mum isn't the same as a job.

Eek, I’m never going to let my OH read this thread! We do 50-50 every night.

@RunningFromInsanity

If Dad does his share of childcare and housework during evenings and weekends then

D. Mum does night feeds weekdays, 50/50 night feeds at weekends.

This. But I think it’s also important that you get some “time off” during the day at the weekends to either go out by yourself or some undisturbed time to yourself at home.

How on earth can there be a "rule" for this. It is entirely family and baby's sleep routine dependent. The only thing I'd say is that it's not okay for Dad to simply opt out of night feeds entirely. But beyond that, it depends on the individuals concerned. I did all the middle of night feeds but DH would stay up later and get up earlier than me. That worked for us as he could function remarkably well as long as he got 5-6 consecutive hours from say midnight to 5:30/6 and me being able to sleep until he left for work at around 8 was a life changer. It might not work for others. I worked with a woman whose husband simply could not do mornings. So he'd do up until about 2am but not once did he ever get up before around 9am. It was weird, but it worked for them.

But absolutely there should be no suggestion that Dh doesn't have to do nights ever.

The thing is, most babies still wake at night, and many still have night feeds, after mum goes back to work. And at that stage, it's either accepted they dad can manage to do some without the world falling apart, or it all falls on the woman still, because seemingly being a woman means different rules apply to her.

There are some jobs where it's not good to be tired - long distance driver, surgeon etc, but the vast majority people can manage with. Women seem to, but it's always the men that claim they have some super important job so they need their sleep .

I don't personally like the 'dad does an evening feed so mum can go to bed at 8pm' compromise, as no one really gets an evening -especially the woman, she gets zero time with adults, no time to herself.

It depends on loads of factors... How many times does the baby wake up? Can the mother sleep during the day? How full on is the baby/the housework/the dad's work? Which parent needs more sleep to function?

Essentially I think you should both be as exhausted as each other by the end of the week, but in practical terms that could mean anything really!

@OverTheRainbow88
I agree with you. It's a pretty ingrained thing in society though, and I also get the feeling some women would rather think they them doing most is fair, because it's better than rocking the boat/society has told them that it's their role.

Slightly different perspective - what aside from the immediate issue (fairness and general knackeredness) are you trying to solve.

Baby is

Posted too soon.

In short what are you trying to achieve? You'll be weaning soon, nightfeeds will drop off from 7-8 months.
Is this about your husband doing more? Being more hands on and self sufficient ? (If you would like a break away for example).

It may be more constructive to approach it in that light?
Would you rather have an hour to yourself during the day to sleep/gym/ do other things? Is just night feeds?

Never understood the view "if dad has to work, mum does everything" - as if being the sole carer for a baby all day isn't work!

Depends entirely on circumstances (including dads job eg if he's driving all day, wouldn't want him tired) but everyone is different. My dh could often snooze on train, plonk himself at his desk with a coffee and quietly busy himself some days, so being tired was more manageable. Generally I would do most things and catch up a nap or lie in at the weekend, but if the night was bad and it got to 4am and my boobs were empty but nothing I could do to settle baby - I would hand over!

There is no magic formula or ratio. It was about understanding and respect for our needs at the time, which included demands on DH at work, me in the home, etc, our own personal stress/run down-ness.

Now I'm back at work too, (rare) night wakes are 50-50 at all times.

I think B. For us, DH did about 80% of the night feeds while he was on 2 weeks paternity leave then after that he would do the night feeds on a Monday night and sometimes a Tuesday night as well (he works in a restaurant and Tuesday and Wednesday are his usual days off, so our weekend basically). This worked well for us.

We did it that DH stayed up and did the midnight feed, while I went to bed early to get a good chunk of unbroken sleep and then I did the 3am feed while DH slept til he got up for work.

Everything should be done 50/50 there's not really any reason for the mum to do more in terms of night feeds or housework

I suppose it depends on when and how often wakings and feeding is happening, and what your own normal sleep and waking patterns are.

With my dc, dh took the late shift and did the last bottle around 11/1130 and would settle them down - he's always been a late night person. I'd take the early shift the next day, until health failed me more recently I was always an early bird. Both dc (20m apart I should add as rereading makes it sound like twins) settled themselves into a routine of not really waking until 4am from young, though we had a rough split if either woke up randomly largely depending on who heard first!

Personally I don’t really like rigid approaches to these things because it changes according to how people feel, what else is going on, other random occurrences.

So say DH has a lot on at work, I don’t mind pulling up the slack with childcare. Likewise if I’m under the weather I’d expect DH to step up.

I wake up early so i don’t have lie ins. DH does. Mn would be horrified but I’m not staying in bed half the morning bored because of Mns view.

If there is a 10/11pm feed, could Dad do that one so mum can go to bed early and get a good stretch of sleep then?

This is what we did. Option E. Well for the first few months we did A and that nearly broke me as DD was a terrible terrible sleeper so we then shifted to E.

But tbh I think it all depends on the situation

• does baby nap reliably in the day so mum can nap
• are there other DC mum is looking after (in which case no napping for mum)
• how many night feeds, how many other wake ups, basically how awful are the nights
• how hard/stressful is DH job, will it be dangerous if he is tired for it or might he lose his job

etc etc

Not just the night feeds, but what else does he contribute? Does he cook, clean, wash up? Play with the baby when his working day is over? Change nappies, soothe him/her when they're crying?

Or does he expect you to do it all because he's earning the money so that should be enough?

Dad should do last feed while mum goes to bed for a longer first stretch Mon-Fri. Weekends: one night each and one lie in each.

B

If there are no other children mum should do all night feeds during the week.
Weekend mum does friday night and gets a lie in saturday morning while DH gets up with the baby in the morning. Sat night dad takes all night feeds and mum wakes up in the morning letting dad sleep in.
If there are older children dad should do some night feeds during the week as well.

In honestly don’t think there is any rule. Like I said upthread, in my situation, Dh doing the night feeds would be pointless, it’s so quick and my baby wakes me before she cries.

I also have had, thankfully, three very easy babies and huge age gaps. And I’ve stayed at home with each until reception age. So I’ve always been able to have a nap in the day if I wanted to as well when the baby sleeps. But I’ve never had a difficult or demanding baby to look after (I know I’ve been very, very lucky with that!) and house work doesn’t mount up as Dh and I both just do little bits as and when.