To have used the downstairs loo?

[WheresYourSecretSadness]

At a holiday cottage with a friend and each of our 2 kids. The cottage has 3 bedrooms - 1 downstairs 2 upstairs - and all bedrooms are en suite. There’s no other bathrooms or toilets.

I’m in an upstairs bedroom with 4yo DS, my friend is downstairs with her 3yoDS and our girls (7 and 8) are sharing the other upstairs bedroom.

When we’ve been downstairs and me or my kids have needed the toilet we’ve gone to the downstairs one, which is attached to my friend’s room. There’s a door entrance from the hall. This morning they both needed the loo so I took them to the downstairs toilet, but the door from the hallway was locked, it had been locked from inside the toilet. My friend and her kids were in the kitchen so we went through her bedroom to go to the loo.

She was a bit huffy when I came out and I asked what was wrong. She said she’s not happy about us going through her bedroom as its an invasion of her privacy. Fair enough, but my kids were desperate for the loo. She then said that she’d like us to use our own bathrooms for the toilet! Meaning I have to traipse upstairs every time me or the kids need the loo! Not ideal especially when they’re desperate. I (reluctantly) agreed but I think she’s being a bit precious and don’t think it’s a big deal at all sharing a bathroom? If it was me in the downstairs bedroom I honestly wouldn’t mind.

AIBU for using the downstairs loo or is she being precious about “her” bathroom?

I agree it should’ve been settled beforehand but she should have said if she wanted it exclusively for herself and her son

A lot of people wouldn't think it needed to be said. It'd be obvious. You have your own private bathroom and she has hers. Yours being upstairs isn't relevant. It's fairly commonplace to have only an upstairs loo anyway.

Would you be fine with your friend going into your room when you were not there? If you would, it sounds like you feel closer to her than she does to you.

I hope she’s not on Mumsnet because there is no way that you can pretend that it wasn’t you who posted this..

It doesn't matter how close you are to your friends, but in the current climate I wouldn't be sharing a holiday house with them let alone having them use my towels to dry their hands on.

Sorry OP, but I agree with everyone else: but I suspect your dcs issues with toilets have impacted on your perceptions of normal. Your family have (if I've understood correctly?) two rooms and two toilets at your disposal. Your friend has one. It's rude to have been using that bathroom without asking, and incredibly rude to have decided to traipse through her room without asking on finding the door locked.

Separately, I would suggest you really need to work with some urgency to overcome your dd's fear of toilets - I imagine you did early on and then have sort of 'got used' to it, but it sounds like something that should be sortable with some targeted and supported intervention, before she starts developing real physical problems from holding her needs in so long at school. ERIC are great on this sort of thing and have a free helpline: www.eric.org.uk/helpline

I think you are both being a bit precious, but it was really presumptuous to go through her bedroom to use her en suite when your kids have a choice of 2 upstairs. And quite bad to use her en suite for your dd to have a poo.

You know that most / many of us do not have a downstairs loo and have to manage all this 'traipsing' and rushing?

I think you need to apologise gracefully and accept that she doesn't want her ensuite to be the default toilet for 6 people.

Yes, she was a bit precious, but on balance, it's her toilet, her prerogative and YABU.

I agree with this, it is a dual use bathroom

Maybe if the house was being occupied by a single family.

But as this was a holiday let with two different families in the house, surely they would forget about the design and simply take a bathroom each? The friend shouldn’t have needed to lock the hall door from the inside, but obviously she did with OP being so selfish and lazy. OP actually let her daughter do a dump in there!

I agree with the poster that it won’t be a problem again though, I would be going low contact after this.

I think your friend is right. I think your quite cheeky to just assume it was ok for you all to use her bathroom than walk a set of stairs to your own.

@WheresYourSecretSadness

If you go to the toilet with your 8 year old every time... what on earth does she do when at school?

She doesn’t go. She often comes out of school holding her hands between her legs 🙄 if I could wave a magic wand and make her not scared I would but sadly it’s not that easy. It’s why she can’t have play dates unless it’s family

You need to address this before she has kidney problems. Step up, be the parent.

It's holiday cottage, how far can it be to traipse upstairs?

I’m with you OP, I would have been using the toilet up until they locked it.

You’re not quite with OP though, are you @WhySoSensitive, because OP kept using it AFTER they locked it.

@stackemhigh

I'm not 'trying to break up a friendship'. The op has not only been rude, they're trying to justify it. The fact that she couldn't take a locked door as a big message, or instead of apologising just 'reluctantly agreed' not to use the downstairs loo, would definitely not help things between the op and her friend. The OP needs to apologise without any 'ifs or buts' and acknowledge she's in the wrong, regardless of her children's issues.

OP has already said ‘I will accept the arse that’s been handed to me’. What more do you want, an apology in blood?!

The OP said that of the comments on here. I must have missed the part where she has said she has given her friend a genuine apology and sees how she's crossed the line.

Yabu
Should have used your own toilet

You used her en-suite, she's right, that's her private space for the holiday and you invaded it. If it's a holiday cottage it's likely the room have been repurposed as a bedroom to accommodate more people so that's why that room's bathroom also has a door to the hall. Not because it's a communal one while everyone upstairs has their own.

You overstepped, and now you're trying to justify it on here instead of going to your friend and apologising unreservedly. Not with any other excuses - just "I'm sorry friend, I should've thought before I went through your room and used your bathroom but I didn't. It won't happen again." Hold your hands up to the mistake and go make sure your friend is ok.

The OP said that of the comments on here. I must have missed the part where she has said she has given her friend a genuine apology and sees how she's crossed the line.

No but given OP has been big enough to accept the arse handed to her, it’s safe to assume that she will make things right with her friend.

"My kids often only tell me last minute when they need the toilet so it can be a mad rush"

Why do they have to tell you anyway, can't they just go? Teach them not to hang on so long. They are four and seven, not two.

I'm amazed your're even away on holiday at the moment, never mind with another family.

It’s bad enough you assumed it was fine to use it in the first place, but the fact you couldn’t even take the hint when the door was locked!!

Well 400 people so far have Voted that it was a rude thing to do. Pretty conclusive.

There’s a door entrance from the hall

It is a dual purpose bathroom/toilet. It wouldn't have an additional hall door if it was only intended to be an en suite.

As a child family friends had a bathroom like this door in their bedroom, door in the hallway. We'd often have to go in via their bedroom as someone had forgotten to unlock the hallway door after using it. They didn't care & that was their proper bedroom, not just a holiday bedroom.

Her stupid/selfish, passive/aggressive move to lick the door caused the need to go through her bedroom. How was the OP even supposed to guess it was deliberate?

Her 'friend' is being ridiculous.

I agree with your friend. I might overlook if it was very occasional, so,if the upstairs loos were all busy and someone was absolutely bursting but as a regular thing I wouldn’t like it. And using her bedroom to access it was very intrusive indeed. Even in holiday lets bedrooms are private and you shouldn’t go into someone else’s without permission.

I stand with the 8% saying YANBU; it’s just a bloody loo and if you’re close enough to go on holiday with people of course you can share a bathroom. I’d expect her and her DC to use either of the upstairs ones if they were upstairs playing. But MN is extremely weird about bathrooms generally.

Gosh how on earth do they manage at school?!

@WheresYourSecretSadness

She assumed that we would have just used our own she said and was surprised when we started going in hers. Isn’t this what everyone would’ve automatically done - gone in the nearest one?

100% not, I would assume it's her bathroom, just like I have my own bathroom attached to my bedroom and I'd definitely not think of it as a "downstairs toilet" for all to use. YABU

If your kids aren’t capable of using stairs you should’ve taken the downstairs bedroom. If they are capable of using stairs then you should use the upstairs bathrooms.