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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have used the downstairs loo?

763 replies

WheresYourSecretSadness · 26/10/2020 09:50

At a holiday cottage with a friend and each of our 2 kids. The cottage has 3 bedrooms - 1 downstairs 2 upstairs - and all bedrooms are en suite. There’s no other bathrooms or toilets.

I’m in an upstairs bedroom with 4yo DS, my friend is downstairs with her 3yoDS and our girls (7 and 8) are sharing the other upstairs bedroom.

When we’ve been downstairs and me or my kids have needed the toilet we’ve gone to the downstairs one, which is attached to my friend’s room. There’s a door entrance from the hall. This morning they both needed the loo so I took them to the downstairs toilet, but the door from the hallway was locked, it had been locked from inside the toilet. My friend and her kids were in the kitchen so we went through her bedroom to go to the loo.

She was a bit huffy when I came out and I asked what was wrong. She said she’s not happy about us going through her bedroom as its an invasion of her privacy. Fair enough, but my kids were desperate for the loo. She then said that she’d like us to use our own bathrooms for the toilet! Meaning I have to traipse upstairs every time me or the kids need the loo! Not ideal especially when they’re desperate. I (reluctantly) agreed but I think she’s being a bit precious and don’t think it’s a big deal at all sharing a bathroom? If it was me in the downstairs bedroom I honestly wouldn’t mind.

AIBU for using the downstairs loo or is she being precious about “her” bathroom?

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 26/10/2020 10:37

[quote stackemhigh]@BrumBoo

Well, I wouldn't worry about this being a longterm issue between you. I get the feeling your friend won't consider another holiday with you, hell I'd be reconsidering any future friendship from the sheer entitlement coming from your posts.

Or maybe now OP knows how her friend feels they can move on from this? No need to try and break up the friendship.[/quote]
I'm not 'trying to break up a friendship'. The op has not only been rude, they're trying to justify it. The fact that she couldn't take a locked door as a big message, or instead of apologising just 'reluctantly agreed' not to use the downstairs loo, would definitely not help things between the op and her friend. The OP needs to apologise without any 'ifs or buts' and acknowledge she's in the wrong, regardless of her children's issues.

Marmite27 · 26/10/2020 10:38

@Tashface

Going against the grain here, but if there's a door from the hall leading into the bathroom - coupled with the fact that there are no other toilets which aren't attached to bedrooms, then that would tell me the bathroom can and should be used by anybody.
I agree with this, it’s a dual use bathroom as it has a door from the hall, if it was only accessed through the bedroom (and not by locking the hall access door) your friend would have a point!
Bowerbird5 · 26/10/2020 10:39

No, I wouldn’t have used it without asking. We only have an upstairs loo in the house. Our downstairs loo is outside in the shed. Now we have a new one I use it if I am in the kitchen but otherwise yes we traipse upstairs.
I would have taken the hint too.

I can understand a four year old being a bit last minute but a 7/8 year old needs to wait at school so I can’t see how going upstairs should be a problem.
Don’t cause a fuss or you will spoil the whole holiday. Just apologise.

JenniferSantoro · 26/10/2020 10:39

You should have used your own bathroom every time you or your kids needed the loo. You were massively cheeky not taking the hint and going into her bedroom. You were unreasonable.

coconuttyhead · 26/10/2020 10:39

Agree with the majority - some people don’t have a downstairs loo, what would you do in this situation? You say it’s an inconvenience to “traipse” up and down the stairs all the time - is this place Downton Abbey?
Also - you’ve been lucky enough to all have en suites - an en suite is part of your own personal bedrooms.

kursaalflyer · 26/10/2020 10:39

I think all three of you should use the downstairs bedroom somehow. How does the other child sleep if dd has night terrors?

Daisydoesnt · 26/10/2020 10:39

OP I think a better solution would be for you and your two children to share the downstairs bedroom, and your friend to have the two upstairs rooms for her family. At least that way you have your bathroom downstairs and your friend can have her bathroom kept private.

LakieLady · 26/10/2020 10:41

I wouldn't have used it, personally. En suites are essentially private, that's why they're en suite.

And I think I might have been a bit annoyed if I had an en suite and someone else used it just because it was more convenient.

bumbleybeebumbley · 26/10/2020 10:41

This is 100% a reverse. Your kid did a dump in her en-suite and you still think your friend is being unreasonable.

Whoooootaminute · 26/10/2020 10:41

When I book a shared house for holidays with family members I always ensure each room has it's own bathroom. Personally I don't like to share bathroom space with anyone other than DH and DS (and that's pushing it Grin

Thinking back once we had a house laid out a little like you describe. one downstairs bedroom with a bathroom across the hall. However we treated that bathroom as belonging to the occupants of the downstairs bedroom. No one went in there - they'd go upstairs and use their own loo.

It's good manners.

MJMG2015 · 26/10/2020 10:42

Poor DD. I hope the kids don't have contact with him!!

You definitely need to get her help though. She's old enough to work through that bit of utter bullshit. What a wanker he is

I think given there's a hall door that it is fine for anyone downstairs to use it. You only had to go through her room because she purposefully locked the hall door.

But it wouldn't bother me if you went through the bedroom to use it anyway. If you're close enough to go away together & share a holiday home, it seems madness to care about someone walking through the bedroom when you're up & about.

Glad my friends aren't so bloody precious.

Brefugee · 26/10/2020 10:43

So first you insist that you have the upstairs rooms with all the "private" toilets and your friend has the downstairs one. Then you insist it's fine to use the ONE toilet that she has been allocated?

In her shoes, because i give clear messages, the first time it happened would have been the last. And if it happened again i'd have used each of your toilets for my biggest bowel evacuation of the day.

I hope you're paying more for this holiday than she is.

stackemhigh · 26/10/2020 10:43

@Teddy1970

It's not creating drama, the OP asked the question she got answers which she doesn't like, you see it time and time again on here..
No, Teddy. OP said ‘I will accept the arse that’s been handed to me’, so she accepts she was BU.

You are being unreasonable and lying to say she wants everyone to agree with her.

lyssie29 · 26/10/2020 10:43

I can't believe you ppl. They are not strangers they are friends. It's a loo. She hasn't stolen anything from her. I'm assuming if you go to a friend's house you don't sidle off home to use the toilet? If her friend wasn't happy instead of locking the door she could have just told her. Theres a door from the hallway. This means it's not just for use for that bathroom. I wouldn't care if my friend had to walk through my bedroom to use the bathroom. It would be my friend and I trust my friends.

needanewidea · 26/10/2020 10:44

If you don't have to go through her room to get there as there's a door direct from the hall, then YANBU. I would assume that was a toilet for everyone too.

slashlover · 26/10/2020 10:44

So your DD can hold it the entire day at school but can't hold it the 30 seconds it takes to go upstairs?

stackemhigh · 26/10/2020 10:44

I'm not 'trying to break up a friendship'. The op has not only been rude, they're trying to justify it. The fact that she couldn't take a locked door as a big message, or instead of apologising just 'reluctantly agreed' not to use the downstairs loo, would definitely not help things between the op and her friend. The OP needs to apologise without any 'ifs or buts' and acknowledge she's in the wrong, regardless of her children's issues.

OP has already said ‘I will accept the arse that’s been handed to me’. What more do you want, an apology in blood?!

rooarsome · 26/10/2020 10:45

YABU. I too would be miffed if my friends kept using my en suite (and even went through my room to get to it) when they were perfectly capable of using their own.

jessstan1 · 26/10/2020 10:45

@WheresYourSecretSadness

Oh and the reason the door was locked from the inside was basically a hint to me to not use the bathroom!

I’ve NC’d for this BTW to avoid being outed

That is obvious! I don't blame your friend.

Is it such a big deal to go upstairs? Many people have to go upstairs to the toilet all the time anyway and you haven't mentioned you and your children have weak bladders or mobility problems.

I think you have a cheek using your friend's lavatory when you and your family have two between you. You surely don't have to go up with the older children, maybe not even the younger.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2020 10:45

@inappropriateraspberry

Those saying the op has her own private bathroom, has she said she doesn't want anyone else to use it? She may be just as happy to have the others use it if they're upstairs.
But there would never be a need for ops friend to use ops upstairs ensuite when there is an adjacent ensuite that her dd is sharing? This is a moot point.

It is incredibly rude to have allowed your 7 yo to use her ensuite for a poo. Very entitled. I also think you should swap rooms and have your 2 in with you.

Mydogmylife · 26/10/2020 10:45

@WheresYourSecretSadness

So even if we are literally next to the downstairs bathroom door we should go upstairs (the stairs are steep and there’s a lot of them) to use the loo?

My kids often only tell me last minute when they need the toilet so it can be a mad rush

Yes
ChocoholicMama · 26/10/2020 10:46

YABVU. It's not a downstairs loo, it's her ensuite. It would only be a downstairs loo if the room wasn't occupied downstairs, or if the occupant had said they were happy for it to be used (and no, they didn't need to state it was for their exclusive use beforehand, that was obvious). Not to mention she's only in that room because you asked her to be, and also seem to think you can use her loo as and when it suits you. Use your own loo. Take your kids upstairs to use it regularly if they aren't able/don't want to tell you they need to go until the last second.

WhySoSensitive · 26/10/2020 10:46

I’m with you OP, I would have been using the toilet up until they locked it.
I also think any of my friends I’m likely to go on holiday with wouldn’t have cared either.

LittleTiger007 · 26/10/2020 10:46

@bumbleybeebumbley

This is 100% a reverse. Your kid did a dump in her en-suite and you still think your friend is being unreasonable.
Yes... and she walked her children through this woman’s bedroom. So unbelievably rude. Still justifying it despite all these comments? Some people just have no manners.
Tiredmum100 · 26/10/2020 10:46

YABU obviously. I went away with a large group of people. 5 bedrooms all with en suites. Some on the ground floor, some upstairs, all ages of people from a baby/ 3 and 5 year old to people in their 30s and 60s. We all used our own bathrooms. My family bedroom and bathroom was right off the main living room. I wouldn't have wanted everyone going in and out of my personal space. As someone else said her mistake was not locking it on day 1.

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