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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have used the downstairs loo?

763 replies

WheresYourSecretSadness · 26/10/2020 09:50

At a holiday cottage with a friend and each of our 2 kids. The cottage has 3 bedrooms - 1 downstairs 2 upstairs - and all bedrooms are en suite. There’s no other bathrooms or toilets.

I’m in an upstairs bedroom with 4yo DS, my friend is downstairs with her 3yoDS and our girls (7 and 8) are sharing the other upstairs bedroom.

When we’ve been downstairs and me or my kids have needed the toilet we’ve gone to the downstairs one, which is attached to my friend’s room. There’s a door entrance from the hall. This morning they both needed the loo so I took them to the downstairs toilet, but the door from the hallway was locked, it had been locked from inside the toilet. My friend and her kids were in the kitchen so we went through her bedroom to go to the loo.

She was a bit huffy when I came out and I asked what was wrong. She said she’s not happy about us going through her bedroom as its an invasion of her privacy. Fair enough, but my kids were desperate for the loo. She then said that she’d like us to use our own bathrooms for the toilet! Meaning I have to traipse upstairs every time me or the kids need the loo! Not ideal especially when they’re desperate. I (reluctantly) agreed but I think she’s being a bit precious and don’t think it’s a big deal at all sharing a bathroom? If it was me in the downstairs bedroom I honestly wouldn’t mind.

AIBU for using the downstairs loo or is she being precious about “her” bathroom?

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 27/10/2020 17:37

@Frazzledstar1

I was just reading this thinking if I was the friend on the downstairs bedroom I’d probably have said to you “hey feel free to use my bathroom save going upstairs” but looks like I’m in the minority in this line of thinking!
Me too, it seems we’re more laid back than most people though.
Smirf87 · 27/10/2020 17:38

I’m kind of on the fence here. 1) your children really do need to learn that when they need the toilet they may have to wait. 2) you shouldn’t have gone through her room-sorry. However, she should have communicated her wishes and not just assumed that you wouldn’t use “her” toilet. I personally wouldn’t be bothered, when I have guests they use my downstairs loo. I might be a bit pissed off if my guests were traipsing upstairs unnecessarily though

Shell4429 · 27/10/2020 17:39

I seem to be in the minority but I honestly don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I would have no problem with it at all, it seems daft to expect you all to go upstairs. In your shoes I would be inclined to stay upstairs with my kids, it’s so much easier for her with her kids it seems unfair.

FuzzyPuffling · 27/10/2020 17:40

My house has two doors, one at the front and one at the back. OP, his fact does not mean I would want you using either of them.

Cockadoodledooo · 27/10/2020 17:40

I'd be massively pissed off that you didn't get the hint when the hallway door was locked! How long is the bloody staircase that it was so much quicker to traipse through her room than go upstairs?!

Maybe not unreasonable to use through the hallway door (up until your friend expressed that she thought you were by locking it) but going through her bedroom to do so is imo an invasion of privacy and she's absolutely not wrong to not want you to do it.

Are you always so self-centred?

WendyE · 27/10/2020 17:41

@Sexnotgender

I’d not have gone through someone else’s bedroom to use the bathroom. I think it’s rude.
I tend to agree with this. I wouldn't want to go through someone else's room to use a bathroom, it feels like an invasion of their privacy. Conversely I would feel the same if it was my room being used as a 'right of way'.
SunShinesStill · 27/10/2020 17:45

Of course you bloody well use your own toilet! You picked a cottage with this layout for a reason. Especially in covid times people want their own bathroom. You do realise that most people don’t have a downstairs toilet usually and they have to traipse their kids up and down the stairs to use the toilet?

LovelyIssues · 27/10/2020 17:47

Of course you should just your own bathroom. It's one flight of stairs (as is the case with most bathrooms) Hmm

Hmm12121 · 27/10/2020 17:49

You need to take your 4 and 7/8 year olds to the toilet? When you are essentially ‘at home’ albeit a holiday home.

SueRu · 27/10/2020 17:49

I think the clue is in the fact that each bedroom has an en-suite and there are no other loos.

EmmaWithTheGreatHair · 27/10/2020 17:51

I would be annoyed too.

Walk upstairs, it’s no big deal!

Annie2245 · 27/10/2020 17:51

Sorry, have to agree a 4 yo 7 yo and an adult are perfectly capable of walking upstairs to the loo when you need to.
Finding the door locked should have been a big enough hint, but then to go on to walk through her private space because of that I find really disrespectful I would have been more than huffy.
Having said that I’m sure you are both adult enough to forget it use your own bathrooms and have a great time x

Teawaster · 27/10/2020 17:53

What's the point in asking AIBU when you are only interested in hearing that you are correct

momtoboys · 27/10/2020 18:00

@WheresYourSecretSadness

Surely your children are old enough to use the toilet themselves without you having to traipse up the stairs with them anyway.

They’re both scared of the toilet (yes it’s a PITA but it is what it is)

Is this really a thing? Thank goodness we didn't have this phobia. Even your 8 year old??
CambsAlways · 27/10/2020 18:02

I’m def with your friend you are being unreasonable I would be furious , you have your own toilets so use them

Annie2245 · 27/10/2020 18:02

As you can see, no it isn’t what everyone would do !! At 4 and 7 your kids can use the loo on their own surely ? Do they have someone to take them to the toilet at school ? Why are you having to take them ? If it’s a disability then perhaps should have looked closer at the accommodation. This isn’t a downstairs loo it is a bathroom attached to her room just like you all have !
Anyway in a way none of that matters she has told you she doesn’t want you to do it, respect her wishes it’s not something to ruin a holiday or a friendship for

DBML · 27/10/2020 18:03

*I'm with you OP. You're friend is being precious

If she wants complete privacy maybe a shared holiday isnt for her.*

Well, in that case why stop at the bathroom? Perhaps op would like to just cuddle up in bed with her friend come bedtime? Perhaps shove a few belongings into her mates wardrobe and bedside drawers? Why not borrow her toothbrush and save yourself the hassle of having to remember to bring one anyway. I mean, wanting your own space and privacy is just being “precious” isn’t it!

The last time we had visitors with kids, between them they used an entire roll of toilet paper, left piss on the toilet seat, shit stains in the toilet basin and the towel was soaked as if they’d used it to clean something up. The hand gel was all over the back of the sink and they’d clearly been spraying my perfume. No issue, I cleaned up after they left, but I certainly wouldn’t want to live like that.

momtoboys · 27/10/2020 18:04

Night terrors, toilet problems...sounds like you have had a tough road of it. I'm sorry. It must be difficult.

TickyTacky · 27/10/2020 18:04

@WheresYourSecretSadness

Oh and the reason the door was locked from the inside was basically a hint to me to not use the bathroom!

I’ve NC’d for this BTW to avoid being outed

Of course it was a hint! The children are old enough to walk upstairs to use the toilet. I'm stunned that you think your friend is in the wrong.
DBML · 27/10/2020 18:05

And actually being precious, is thinking that your children couldn’t possibly be as inconvenienced as to walk up a flight of stairs to use their own bathroom.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 27/10/2020 18:05

Definitely should have gone to your own imo

Annie2245 · 27/10/2020 18:06

I thought the same.
I thought this was meant to be a place to legitimately ask, am I being unreasonable ? And then be open to what others are saying, and take something from that. This is one of the highest percentages I have seen which would give me the hint.
All toilet issues aside she now knows her friends wishes, a friendship isn’t going to last long if she disrespects or falls out with her friend over it

user1473878824 · 27/10/2020 18:07

@WheresYourSecretSadness

So even if we are literally next to the downstairs bathroom door we should go upstairs (the stairs are steep and there’s a lot of them) to use the loo?

My kids often only tell me last minute when they need the toilet so it can be a mad rush

Yes I will still use the bathrooms WE had rather than go through someone else’s holiday bedroom!
VenusClapTrap · 27/10/2020 18:09

I was in this situation staying at PIL’s house at Christmas. Dh and I were allocated the bedroom on the ground floor, which has an en-suite bathroom. The entire extended family were staying, and all the children (my own plus my six nephews and nieces) kept trundling through our bedroom to use the en-suite, instead of using the actual downstairs loo or the bathroom upstairs. I didn’t feel I could say anything, as it’s PIL’s house, and some of the children are quite young so it felt mean asking them not to use their nearest loo.

But you know what? It was really unpleasant. My towel was permanently wet, my toiletries were fiddled with, the loo was often left unflushed, the floor was spattered with what I hope was just water but could well have been wee. Not nice. Plus, I hated them going through my bedroom all the time - I had no privacy. I totally sympathise with your friend, op.

user1473878824 · 27/10/2020 18:09

I also wouldn’t want to share my bathroom with someone else’s children to be honest even though that’s a bit precious.