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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have used the downstairs loo?

763 replies

WheresYourSecretSadness · 26/10/2020 09:50

At a holiday cottage with a friend and each of our 2 kids. The cottage has 3 bedrooms - 1 downstairs 2 upstairs - and all bedrooms are en suite. There’s no other bathrooms or toilets.

I’m in an upstairs bedroom with 4yo DS, my friend is downstairs with her 3yoDS and our girls (7 and 8) are sharing the other upstairs bedroom.

When we’ve been downstairs and me or my kids have needed the toilet we’ve gone to the downstairs one, which is attached to my friend’s room. There’s a door entrance from the hall. This morning they both needed the loo so I took them to the downstairs toilet, but the door from the hallway was locked, it had been locked from inside the toilet. My friend and her kids were in the kitchen so we went through her bedroom to go to the loo.

She was a bit huffy when I came out and I asked what was wrong. She said she’s not happy about us going through her bedroom as its an invasion of her privacy. Fair enough, but my kids were desperate for the loo. She then said that she’d like us to use our own bathrooms for the toilet! Meaning I have to traipse upstairs every time me or the kids need the loo! Not ideal especially when they’re desperate. I (reluctantly) agreed but I think she’s being a bit precious and don’t think it’s a big deal at all sharing a bathroom? If it was me in the downstairs bedroom I honestly wouldn’t mind.

AIBU for using the downstairs loo or is she being precious about “her” bathroom?

OP posts:
Livingthedream89 · 27/10/2020 10:52

This thread has had me howling on an otherwise miserable Tuesday so thank you Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2020 10:54

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

How does she even concentrate at school if she's so desperate that comes out clamping her hands between her legs? And is she clutching herself in school for the last hour or so or does that only become necessary when she sees you?

She clearly can't. I'm an adult and if I find myself caught short and desperate for the loo, I'm in no position to be properly concentrating on anything else at all until I've had my wee and can then pay proper attention.

She's also very likely to be teased, if not bullied (if she isn't already) for clutching herself between her legs at the age of 8 when she needs a wee like a toilet-training toddler would. It could also become a real safeguarding issue as puberty is on the horizon for her and her classmates. Talking of which, she'll be starting her periods before too long - how on earth is she going to cope with taking responsibility for her personal hygiene and comfort needs with those if she can't even manage going for a wee when she needs one?

I was also thinking about the girl’s period needs. Why parents don’t get a grip on the situation before it gets critical, I have no idea. Ops children may just grow out of the fear; but the may not and instead get serious mental health issues, potentially bullied or worryingly have an accident at secondary, where they would forever be known as the children, who shit or pissed themselves. All of these things would stay with them all for the rest of their life.... all because of a dumb arsed comment.

My dd is in secondary now and has a medical condition, which once triggered makes her lose control of her bladder. Luckily she hasn’t had an episode for almost 2 years. But she could.... and I’d sure as hell have done my darnedest to sort that one were it mental, not physical...

The 8 year old is going to want to hang out with her friends after school very very soon. Except she can’t because, oops, she’ll be desperate for a wee or poo.

WingingItSince1973 · 27/10/2020 12:03

Do you take your own towels to wipe your hands? Do you replace the loo roll. Do you clean it thoroughly after each use? Only fair if you're using her toilet. But I'm with the YABVU and very entitled. We have one upstairs toilet in our house. Managed to toilet train 3 girls and grandson. Get through illness etc etc without having to pee/poo downstairs. Please don't be mean to your friend. Holidays can make or break friendships.

IrmaFayLear · 27/10/2020 12:12

It all sounds like a bit of a cock and bull story about the toilet issues. If you can go all day at school, you can hold on for a couple of minutes at home. And as for the monster in the toilet! OP could show her dd a dismantled toilet and minimise the whole thing; the dd is 8 !!

The group trips is madness. How long is this going to continue for? Will she continue being happy to poo in front of her little brother and her mother? (Ugh, in any case)

throwaway100000 · 27/10/2020 12:24

I do agree with the others. Your children have not been toilet trained appropriately. You play up their “desperation” and make a big deal of it, so they play up to it when you’re around and have now developed bad habits. This isn’t normal.

You should seek medical assistance frankly. Maybe they need counselling even.

JuliaJohnston · 27/10/2020 13:13

What do you do when your dd emerges from the classroom clutching herself between the legs, desperate for the toilet?
Because any normal person would simply send her straight back in 🤷🏻‍♀️
Any normal teacher would have collared you for a chat long ago.

DoTheNextRightThing · 27/10/2020 13:27

Traipse upstairs? My childhood home only had one bathroom and it was upstairs. I don't seem to remember peeing my pants every time because it was too far away. Just take them to your own bathroom.

BMW6 · 27/10/2020 13:29

OP 92% say that YABU. That's a massive majority. Apologise to your friend and stop using her bathroom.

Don't add to your twattishness by focusing on the tiny 8% that think YANBU. Own your mistake.

FamilyOfAliens · 27/10/2020 13:47

I'm pleased that some people can at least see where I was coming from with treating the toilet like a "communal" toilet.

So you get a private en-suite plus use of your friend’s en-suite when you can’t be arsed to go upstairs, and she gets a bathroom she has to share with you?

Does that really sound reasonable to you? Because despite the small handful of people in this thread who would do the same, the vast majority believe you’re being massively entitled, not to mention very disrespectful of your friend’s privacy.

NaughtipussMaximus · 27/10/2020 14:03

The thing is, OP, the fact that 8% think YANBU doesn't mean YANBU. It means that 8% of the voters are also entitled and oblivious. It's hardly surprising that a few people will agree - there are a lot of poorly-socialised cheeky fuckers around, as anyone who's been on MN for any length of time can attest.

lyralalala · 27/10/2020 14:07

I'm pleased that some people can at least see where I was coming from with treating the toilet like a "communal" toilet.

It’s amazing how that’s what you’ve grabbed onto.

Always hilarious when an OP jumps on the tiny amount of posts that agree with them and completely ignores the vast majority.

SunbathingDragon · 27/10/2020 14:09

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

How does she even concentrate at school if she's so desperate that comes out clamping her hands between her legs? And is she clutching herself in school for the last hour or so or does that only become necessary when she sees you?

She clearly can't. I'm an adult and if I find myself caught short and desperate for the loo, I'm in no position to be properly concentrating on anything else at all until I've had my wee and can then pay proper attention.

She's also very likely to be teased, if not bullied (if she isn't already) for clutching herself between her legs at the age of 8 when she needs a wee like a toilet-training toddler would. It could also become a real safeguarding issue as puberty is on the horizon for her and her classmates. Talking of which, she'll be starting her periods before too long - how on earth is she going to cope with taking responsibility for her personal hygiene and comfort needs with those if she can't even manage going for a wee when she needs one?

To say nothing of the long term effects with UTIs or kidney problems etc.
walfordwatcher · 27/10/2020 14:15

There are no words for how completely entitled and unreasonable I believe you have been, but many others have said it better than I can.

As a foster carer I do have quite a lot of experience of toileting issues, as so often the traumas from the children's past show in that way. However, despite that I do feel you should not pander to them, because for their own sake they do have to live in the real world and go by societies norms. So I really think at aged 8 (or in reality a lot younger) you should be working towards independent toileting, otherwise she will never be able to leave your side and missing out on so very much. I would suggest you get professional help as soon as possible. It may only be a couple of years before she starts her periods, and can you imagine the distress of that happening but her still be unable to use a school toilet or only be able to deal with matters if you are there. Obviously not using the toilet when needed can cause physical problems into adulthood, leading to infections and serious kidney/bowel problems. I do not mean to be unkind, and will not go into the extreme toiletting issues I have dealt with over the years. But again I stress you must start to take a firmer approach, perhaps by standing outside the bathroom but not inside it. And sometimes simply saying "no" you cannot go with her. Can you imagine what kind of life she will have otherwise? I learnt this by trial and error as I found going along with things because of past trauma did not actually help the children, what did help was encouraging and then insisting on their independence and they really had to follow. The children, including my own son with autism, did not at all benefit from my sympathetic and pandering approach - I wish I could have my time again and I would have been firmer when they were younger.

ChippyTea16 · 27/10/2020 14:36

Completely agree with @IseeIsee your DD has serious issues you need to get sorted for her asap, night terrors and the fear of the toilet are not something she wants to take into high school with her, not to mention the affects on her physical health it might have. I hope you are seeking professional help for her

Maireas · 27/10/2020 14:45

I'm just wondering if the friend had any idea before going on holiday with the OP.....

DBML · 27/10/2020 14:52

I suffer with night terrors op. At the age of 40, I’ve had them all of my life.
When you awake from a night terror you remember nothing.

The times I’ve noisily woken myself up to stare into the face of my horrified husband, or the times I’ve had to explain to hotel security that my husband isn’t in fact trying to kill me. Lol. Sometimes I sleep through it and am told about my episode the next morning.

It’s not like a nightmare, which can be disturbing. Night terrors are usually more traumatic for others.

When I was little though, sometimes I would fake night terrors just to have my mum run in all worried about me and giving me cuddles.

When they stopped pandering to me, my night terrors reduced in frequency...and then when I did wake myself up screaming, I’d be like ‘ok, not sure what that was about’ and go straight back to sleep. As I say, far more traumatic for the other people watching a night terror in action than the sufferer.

If your daughter is remembering her dreams, they are more likely nightmares. And if they are night terrors she could be using them to garner attention.

Check out the NHS page for advice on how to deal with them properly.

The crux is, stop pandering to your children and respect other people’s boundaries.

notacooldad · 27/10/2020 15:31

I'm pleased that some people can at least see where I was coming from with treating the toilet like a "communal" toilet
But there's no need a communal toilet. You've all virtually got one each!!

IHeartKingThistle · 27/10/2020 17:19

Now wondering if this is the 'kids toileting habits' troll...

exaltedwombat · 27/10/2020 17:26

Isn't it normal for a loo to be upstairs?

Sendintheclown · 27/10/2020 17:32

“She wanted it exclusively”....much like you exclusively wanted the upstairs and have bathrooms up there. Hardly traipsing upstairs when surely thats what you do at home. The fact you walk through a bedroom to get there is obviously intended for that persons use. It has a door to the hallway for them to get to easier. It’s not like it’s just a standard downstairs loo

MumofTeenDespair · 27/10/2020 17:35

I'd say don't let it ruin a holiday or a friendship. I'm so envious of your situation - being able to go on holiday with a friend, and must be so nice for your kids too. You are actually really lucky. Don't sweat the small stuff.

MummyofT · 27/10/2020 17:35

This post is one of my faves so far.

You all have your own bathroom so use it. If it’s hard for you to walk up the stairs you should have asked doll for the downstairs bathroom surely?

Frazzledstar1 · 27/10/2020 17:36

I was just reading this thinking if I was the friend on the downstairs bedroom I’d probably have said to you “hey feel free to use my bathroom save going upstairs” but looks like I’m in the minority in this line of thinking!

MummyofTw0 · 27/10/2020 17:36

I'm with you OP. You're friend is being precious

If she wants complete privacy maybe a shared holiday isnt for her

MummyofT · 27/10/2020 17:36

* I meant bedroom