To have used the downstairs loo?

[WheresYourSecretSadness]

At a holiday cottage with a friend and each of our 2 kids. The cottage has 3 bedrooms - 1 downstairs 2 upstairs - and all bedrooms are en suite. There’s no other bathrooms or toilets.

I’m in an upstairs bedroom with 4yo DS, my friend is downstairs with her 3yoDS and our girls (7 and 8) are sharing the other upstairs bedroom.

When we’ve been downstairs and me or my kids have needed the toilet we’ve gone to the downstairs one, which is attached to my friend’s room. There’s a door entrance from the hall. This morning they both needed the loo so I took them to the downstairs toilet, but the door from the hallway was locked, it had been locked from inside the toilet. My friend and her kids were in the kitchen so we went through her bedroom to go to the loo.

She was a bit huffy when I came out and I asked what was wrong. She said she’s not happy about us going through her bedroom as its an invasion of her privacy. Fair enough, but my kids were desperate for the loo. She then said that she’d like us to use our own bathrooms for the toilet! Meaning I have to traipse upstairs every time me or the kids need the loo! Not ideal especially when they’re desperate. I (reluctantly) agreed but I think she’s being a bit precious and don’t think it’s a big deal at all sharing a bathroom? If it was me in the downstairs bedroom I honestly wouldn’t mind.

AIBU for using the downstairs loo or is she being precious about “her” bathroom?

YABU. Did you take in cleaning supplies after your dc did a poo in your friends en-suite and clean it?

And this is how entitlement is taught.

How do your kids manage at school? I can guarantee that they sometimes have to walk more than a couple of metres to use the bathroom. And they don’t have someone holding their hands while they do it. Ridiculous!
Your kids are playing you, they aren’t desperate if they manage perfectly well at school. Or do they have a diagnosed medical condition? I doubt it or you would have said in the OP and ensured that you got the downstairs room with the easy access toilet.

Obviously locking the hall door was a MASSIVE hint that she didn’t want you using her toilet, how did you not pick up on that?

@notacooldad - the rules for medium risk areas state that you are allowed to mix with up to 6 people from different households inside or outside.

Yeh yeh. Whatever. Narcissists corner eat your heart out...

The tier system is fairly irrelevant. You’re behaving like a prick whether there is a pandemic or not.

I'm pleased that some people can at least see where I was coming from with treating the toilet like a "communal" toilet.

Yes, there on a large website there will be some other people who would behave as selfishly as you did.

Wow. YABVVVU.

I'd be fuming if I was your friend, but I'm a coward who avoids confrontation so would also have locked the hall door. To walk through her bedroom to get to the toilet makes you a CF I'm afraid.

I think your children need some help with their fears.

YABU. You have your own toilet upstairs. Your friend is completely entitled to her privacy.

And frankly, if a 4 and 8 year old can't hold a wee for the amount of time it takes to walk upstairs, I'd be concerned!

Gosh, glad I’m not on holiday with OP. It’s one thing to be a bit oblivious and commit a faux pas, quite another to doggedly stick to your guns in spite of someone clearly being upset with your behaviour.

@motherofdragons - I hope that comment wasn’t aimed at me? I was just answering cool dad’s question about the rule of 6.

She is being absolutely ridiculous. Clearly her bathroom is normally used as a general bathroom and she’s locked the door. I’d be annoyed if I was you.

So you think it's completely fair to have the attitude that 'What's mine is mine and what's yours is also basically mine unless you happen to strike lucky and find a time when I'm not using it'?

I wonder if, when organising the holiday, OP clearly said to her friend: "There are three bedrooms and three bathrooms, so I'll have one bedroom and bathroom for me and my son, the girls can have a bedroom and bathroom for themselves (although I'll be in their bedroom half the night anyway because of DD's night terrors); and then you can make do with the noisier, less private bedroom downstairs and the bathroom that's attached to it will be a free-for-all - just make sure you consider everybody, dash in and out of there every time and keep showers to a real minimum, as there will be a queue, you know!".

The going through her own supposedly-private bedroom and pooing in her bathroom is just the icing on the cake; it's only really one step up from kipping on a mate's sofa - fine if they're doing you a favour as a stop-gap when you've come a bit unstuck, but not when you're on a holiday with your kids for which you've presumably paid half the considerable costs.

@WheresYourSecretSadness

Wow.

I've been off MN since yesterday morning and didn't expect to come back to over 500 comments. Obviously can't respond to them all. I'm pleased that some people can at least see where I was coming from with treating the toilet like a "communal" toilet.

And we live in Tier1 and are holidaying in Tier1. We are in each other's bubbleZ Perfectly fine to holiday together. I'm finding it quite annoying that everyone on MN is annoying everyone is in the Tier they're in.

Yes it’s got a door into the hallway but that was intentionally locked to stop you using it. A communal toilet is not through someone’s bedroom, because anyone who locks the door that opens onto the hallway and ensures it stays locked to prevent others from using it does not want their en-suite used as a communal toilet.

After reading all your posts, I’d be very surprised if your friend ever goes on holiday with you again.

I understand that your daughter is scared of the toilet, only tells you when she's "desperate", comes out of school "desperate" and can only go on play dates in family homes.
However, you say you do go out on trips and have to point out every toilet you see because of this. Presumably she'll then use it if she needs to.
Why can't you frequently ask her if she needs to go when you're in the cottage, to give time to strap on your crampons, get the oxygen and assail the north face of the stairs?

And what do you do when she comes out of school "desperate"? Presumably there's a wait while you get her home or manage to get back into the school to get to a toilet (particularly difficult in these days of Covid, I presume).

This has to be the first non negotiable YABU thread ever.
YABVVVVU and if I was your friend the next time I was over at your house visiting I’d eat every food stuff that I knew made my poo stink to high heaven the day before and then deposit it in your loo. I’d leave windows shut and would not use any available air freshener either.
Because it seems you already knew your kids were untrained/ unreasonable you should have taken that room in the first place.

I'm really struggling to understand why you'd book holiday accommodation that isn't suitable for your needs. Just as a guest who uses a wheelchair wouldn't book somewhere up steep steps and somebody with a severe allergy would ignore anywhere that accepts pets, why ever wouldn't you have just looked for a bungalow if stairs are unmanageable or cause distress for half of the people staying?

Or even just somewhere with three upstairs en-suite bedrooms (sounds like four would have been fairer actually, so that friend's DD is able to sleep properly) and then a communal downstairs toilet?

Having said that, though, if neither of your children is able to wait a minute for the toilet (unless at school), what would you do if somebody else was using the downstairs toilet and one of the children suddenly declared that they need it NOW? Or if both of them did?

I definitely agree that you need to get them help with their toilet issues - if you don't, it will only get worse as they get older and have to live with a paradoxical combined fear of using the toilet and also of not having a toilet on the same level and no more than 30 seconds away. You say it's mental, not medical, but mental health is absolutely part of what medical treatment is there to address, and there is help out there for you.

How does she even concentrate at school if she's so desperate that comes out clamping her hands between her legs?
And is she clutching herself in school for the last hour or so or does that only become necessary when she sees you?

How would you feel if she went into your toilet to have a poo?

It's great that you've considered your children's needs and done your best to accommodate them, but your friend and her children also have needs and requirements (especially as they're meant to be on holiday) and you need to consider what works for everybody - not just work around what your family needs and then expect the other family to make do with whatever is left over.

If

Mi would only use the bathroom attached to friends room if she had said to me/kids 'if you really need the bathroom feel free to go in mine' otherwise I'd have gone to my one upstairs. It's only one floor, no different to home.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll you said what I wanted to say, only a lot more clearly

Often, when you rent a holiday home, there's a private cupboard or a door to the garage that's locked because the owners don't want you to access that area or room. I wouldn't imagine you'd think it was OK to somehow get into that area because it's locked.

So there's your answer. The door was locked. It's not hard. Your friend may have locked it for any number of reasons, including wanting her bathroom to remain her bathroom when you have two other bathrooms that your family could use.

It's that simple. If you wouldn't go into a locked room at a friend's actual home, you don't go into a locked room if you're away with the same friend. End of argument. Don't keep trying to justify it and don't do it again.

How does she even concentrate at school if she's so desperate that comes out clamping her hands between her legs?
And is she clutching herself in school for the last hour or so or does that only become necessary when she sees you?

She clearly can't. I'm an adult and if I find myself caught short and desperate for the loo, I'm in no position to be properly concentrating on anything else at all until I've had my wee and can then pay proper attention.

She's also very likely to be teased, if not bullied (if she isn't already) for clutching herself between her legs at the age of 8 when she needs a wee like a toilet-training toddler would. It could also become a real safeguarding issue as puberty is on the horizon for her and her classmates. Talking of which, she'll be starting her periods before too long - how on earth is she going to cope with taking responsibility for her personal hygiene and comfort needs with those if she can't even manage going for a wee when she needs one?

I would think your daughter must be really restricting her water intake in order not to use a toilet at all during a school day. It is not healthy to do this and she may do long term damage to her bladder or kidneys. You really need to help her with her phobia, please seek professional help.

Also love that you only focused on the fact a few agreed with you, I'm afraid you've ignored that the majority is very strongly in favour that YABU.

Obviously can't respond to them all. I'm pleased that some people can at least see where I was coming from with treating the toilet like a "communal" toilet.

A very small minority though. Most people disagree. Why are you focusing in the small number who agree with you and not the vast majority of posters?

@Aragog because she clearly didn’t really want to know whether she was being unreasonable, she wanted support for her rude ways.
Even though over 2000 people in the past day have thought her behaviour pretty shocking. 🤷‍♀️ Her poor friend. I agree it’s very odd that she’s only seeing the 8%.