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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have used the downstairs loo?

763 replies

WheresYourSecretSadness · 26/10/2020 09:50

At a holiday cottage with a friend and each of our 2 kids. The cottage has 3 bedrooms - 1 downstairs 2 upstairs - and all bedrooms are en suite. There’s no other bathrooms or toilets.

I’m in an upstairs bedroom with 4yo DS, my friend is downstairs with her 3yoDS and our girls (7 and 8) are sharing the other upstairs bedroom.

When we’ve been downstairs and me or my kids have needed the toilet we’ve gone to the downstairs one, which is attached to my friend’s room. There’s a door entrance from the hall. This morning they both needed the loo so I took them to the downstairs toilet, but the door from the hallway was locked, it had been locked from inside the toilet. My friend and her kids were in the kitchen so we went through her bedroom to go to the loo.

She was a bit huffy when I came out and I asked what was wrong. She said she’s not happy about us going through her bedroom as its an invasion of her privacy. Fair enough, but my kids were desperate for the loo. She then said that she’d like us to use our own bathrooms for the toilet! Meaning I have to traipse upstairs every time me or the kids need the loo! Not ideal especially when they’re desperate. I (reluctantly) agreed but I think she’s being a bit precious and don’t think it’s a big deal at all sharing a bathroom? If it was me in the downstairs bedroom I honestly wouldn’t mind.

AIBU for using the downstairs loo or is she being precious about “her” bathroom?

OP posts:
Alexindiamondarmour · 27/10/2020 00:48

Sorry OP but I’ll add my voice - you were definitely being unreasonable. This happened to me on a mini break with other friends and their children. They let their children use the downstairs loo and made such a mess of it, and their loo upstairs was great and only used by the one couple.

Just not good manners IMO. Why should she have to share her loo, when you’ve got one upstairs?

LizzyMac40 · 27/10/2020 00:53

I clean a holiday let that has 4 bedrooms, and 3 bathrooms, one bathroom hasn’t needed to be used the last couple of times, since it’s only been
3-4 folk in it yet I see the one bathroom not actually essentially needing used, actually used. It’s a massive house and takes me between 4 1/2 to 5 hrs to clean and make up depending on the circumstances. In all
Honesty I have requested certain rooms be cut off for lesser individuals. Why should i clean 3 bathrooms every week especially when only two individuals in the property?Yes, it’s a holiday let, but be sensible. If you are allocated the en-suite bedroom, or a room with a bathroom upstairs, don’t use the 3rd bathroom that is just an excess. I have come across a lot of horrors lately and it’s not funny, especially when relaying the news to the owners. I have OCD with cleaning btw! Just be sensible!

lyralalala · 27/10/2020 01:04

@LizzyMac40

I clean a holiday let that has 4 bedrooms, and 3 bathrooms, one bathroom hasn’t needed to be used the last couple of times, since it’s only been 3-4 folk in it yet I see the one bathroom not actually essentially needing used, actually used. It’s a massive house and takes me between 4 1/2 to 5 hrs to clean and make up depending on the circumstances. In all Honesty I have requested certain rooms be cut off for lesser individuals. Why should i clean 3 bathrooms every week especially when only two individuals in the property?Yes, it’s a holiday let, but be sensible. If you are allocated the en-suite bedroom, or a room with a bathroom upstairs, don’t use the 3rd bathroom that is just an excess. I have come across a lot of horrors lately and it’s not funny, especially when relaying the news to the owners. I have OCD with cleaning btw! Just be sensible!
You can’t ask for rooms people have paid for to be cut off just because you don’t want to clean them

That’s the height of cheekiness and I doubt the owners fancy dropping their charges

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/10/2020 01:15

When you say 'lesser individuals', I really hope you mean 'not as many people' as opposed to what that phrase would normally imply....

SuzieQQQ · 27/10/2020 05:18

She is being absolutely ridiculous. Clearly her bathroom is normally used as a general bathroom and she’s locked the door. I’d be annoyed if I was you.

cheeseychovolate · 27/10/2020 05:37

It wouldn't have bothered me.

DBML · 27/10/2020 06:46

Oh op! To have your own en-suite upstairs, but to use your friends en-suite downstairs is terribly rude, regardless of there being a door to the hallway.

When we have guests, I clean the middle floor bathroom before they arrive, so it’s nice and fresh for them and clean it again once they leave so it’s fresh for us. Otherwise it’s like using public toilets...gross.

And if you were staying in the cottage with my family and you used our en-suite, especially for poops, I’d be livid and that would be the last holiday we went on together.

You might not think it a big deal, but some people like their privacy and don’t want their toilet smelling of your kids shit to be quite frank. And to go through her bedroom! What made you think that this was OK?!

You sound rude and lazy and to question your friend an imply she’s the unreasonable one... well.

As for steep steps, scary toilets etc - they just sound like excuses and if your daughter can hold on all day in school, she can bloody well hold on whilst she goes up one flight of stays. YABVU.

Spidey66 · 27/10/2020 06:58

Completely off topic, but how did you manage this within guidelines? Rule of 6, not mixing households? (Misses point.)

Gobbycop · 27/10/2020 07:00

I think she's right.

What's the hardship in going upstairs?

notacooldad · 27/10/2020 07:01

Completely off topic, but how did you manage this within guidelines? Rule of 6, not mixing households? (Misses point.)

Its been asked before but not answered!

Spidey66 · 27/10/2020 07:04

Ok I see it's 6 (2 adults, 4 kids) but still mixing households.

Vik1ng · 27/10/2020 07:16

My DC have to traipse upstairs to go to the loo every day, one is slightly younger than your DS. I agree with PPs that you shouldn't have gone through your friends room but I wouldn’t begrudge your DCs using ‘my’ toilet enough to lock the door from the inside unless I had a good reason ie making a mess in there, going through my personal belongings. Can you be sure that hasn’t happened?

Sosocold · 27/10/2020 07:23

@WheresYourSecretSadness

If you really need a downstairs toilet then swap bedrooms so your friend is upstairs and you are down

I need to be next to my DD and go has night terrors sometimes hence why I picked upstairs.

I agree it should’ve been settled beforehand but she should have said if she wanted it exclusively for herself and her son

You're really not getting it are you, OP? You came on here to ask if you were being unreasonable, you've pretty much unanimously got your answer. I also think in these challenging times (covid) it's best to use your own designated toilets rather than share!
lifestooshort123 · 27/10/2020 07:23

Your kids regularly used her en suite. Your friend got pissed off (for some reason) and locked the door into the hall. How did you miss the message she was giving you??! This friendship is doomed whether it's a reverse or not.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2020 07:47

I feel for your dd re her toilet ing fear, but it actually contradicts your point. Your dd holds her wee in all school day for 6 hours because she won't go to the toilet on her own. But when she's with you, she can't hold it in at all, and certainly not long enough to get up a flight of stairs. Which is it?

ernestbear · 27/10/2020 08:06

I think this is a time to pause and realise your children need support to get into a usual pattern of going to the toilet, and an indication how much this has gone awry and out of kilter with other family's expectations (for really understandable reasons).
Time to link with school if neither child is going to toilet there and to ask for some ELSA support to build their confidence at school, and having a toilet if plan there, and time for some really cheerful and calm reward based approaches at home (earning stickers/gaming time/play dates/whatever works) for going to the toilet every 2 hours initially with you, and then the reward being for you in the bathroom but not next to them, then you at bathroom door and then outside, building up to them going alone.
You and the children didn't cause this, but you do need to really address it before they get older and it gets more entrenched and impacts more on physical health and their social life. You need to really re-write the story they have (that the toilet is scary) but being really calm, having clear boundaries and not getting caught in the panic and a really cheerful expectation that of course they can crack this.
Lots of luck to you all, and hoping your next holiday is much easier

butterpuffed · 27/10/2020 08:29

I don't think it helps, OP, that when out on trips you "use toilets A LOT to minimise the 'I'm desperate mummy' shenanigans" . It's drawing attention to it.

NaughtipussMaximus · 27/10/2020 08:42

@Spidey66

Completely off topic, but how did you manage this within guidelines? Rule of 6, not mixing households? (Misses point.)
In Tier 1 areas in England, two or more households can mix, as long as no more than six people are meeting together, indoors or outdoors.
Original poster
WheresYourSecretSadness · 27/10/2020 08:45

Wow.

I've been off MN since yesterday morning and didn't expect to come back to over 500 comments. Obviously can't respond to them all. I'm pleased that some people can at least see where I was coming from with treating the toilet like a "communal" toilet.

And we live in Tier1 and are holidaying in Tier1. We are in each other's bubbleZ Perfectly fine to holiday together. I'm finding it quite annoying that everyone on MN is annoying everyone is in the Tier they're in.

OP posts:
SunnyDayatSiestaBeech · 27/10/2020 08:52

I will be honest, i bet the locking of the door into the bathroom was a final hint (among many) that your behaviour has been quite selfish on this holiday.

Firstly, you commandeered the rooms you wanted, which is fine and you had reason for it. Typically, when I have shared with friends like this - we take the opposite approach and insist that each other have the better rooms. In the end it works out with one party saying 'well, ok if you are sure but in that case you must have the parking space in the garage' or some other benefit. It is just the gracious way to behave.

But here you not only commandeered the best rooms but then you had the audacity to try and use her en-suite bathroom. No-one likes this. Towels in these places are always limited and she would be thinking your kids would have been wiping their hands all over her bath towels. Or the towel she dries her face with. Shared toilets in holiday lets get pretty grotty quite quickly if there is a lot of traffic.

MrMeSeeks · 27/10/2020 08:54

Yabu, its her toilet. You have your own toilet. Sorry your dd does have issues, but you still need to use your own.

northstars · 27/10/2020 09:02

You were really out of line, but it seems like you still don’t think YWBU.

MegaBloxRoxx · 27/10/2020 09:05

Love the way you focus on the 8% Grin

Insertfunnyname · 27/10/2020 09:06

wow YABU and still arguing about it despite the overwhelming outcome of the poll showing YABU

I'd hate if you used my bathroom. If I do a poo in my own en suite I don't want to think that other people are going to burst in there after me.

1940s · 27/10/2020 09:13

YABVU and if your 4 and 8 year old can't hold on for a minute to get upstairs for the loo then you should focus on that. Lots of 4 year olds in full time school not having accidents. And many normal homes only have an upstairs toilet. I'd not want you using 'my' bathroom if you had your own sole use bathroom up a single flight of stairs. Do you have to help your 8 year old too or just your 4 year old?

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