To have used the downstairs loo?

[WheresYourSecretSadness]

At a holiday cottage with a friend and each of our 2 kids. The cottage has 3 bedrooms - 1 downstairs 2 upstairs - and all bedrooms are en suite. There’s no other bathrooms or toilets.

I’m in an upstairs bedroom with 4yo DS, my friend is downstairs with her 3yoDS and our girls (7 and 8) are sharing the other upstairs bedroom.

When we’ve been downstairs and me or my kids have needed the toilet we’ve gone to the downstairs one, which is attached to my friend’s room. There’s a door entrance from the hall. This morning they both needed the loo so I took them to the downstairs toilet, but the door from the hallway was locked, it had been locked from inside the toilet. My friend and her kids were in the kitchen so we went through her bedroom to go to the loo.

She was a bit huffy when I came out and I asked what was wrong. She said she’s not happy about us going through her bedroom as its an invasion of her privacy. Fair enough, but my kids were desperate for the loo. She then said that she’d like us to use our own bathrooms for the toilet! Meaning I have to traipse upstairs every time me or the kids need the loo! Not ideal especially when they’re desperate. I (reluctantly) agreed but I think she’s being a bit precious and don’t think it’s a big deal at all sharing a bathroom? If it was me in the downstairs bedroom I honestly wouldn’t mind.

AIBU for using the downstairs loo or is she being precious about “her” bathroom?

I'm afraid that I think that you are being "precious" about not making your children go upstairs - it's what most children have to do.
And yes, they have to learn to "hold on", too.
I'm with your friend on this.

Our house doesn't have a downstairs toilet, so if the kids need to go super fast then they have no choice but to go upstairs. I would be miffed at you using a bathroom through my room. I am sure you have time to get your child upstairs. Even with the issues you describe you can surely leave the younger one with the tv or bring them up too? I say this as a mum of an older child that has had a lot of toilet issues, so do know how stressful it can be.

My DS is 3 and we have no downstairs loo. He always makes it upstairs even if he’s desperate. I think YABU.

Yabu, you should use your own toilet. Good idea to sort the toileting issues of both ASAP, I cant imagine having to 'take' an 8 year old to the toilet.

You're being unreasonable and your children need therapy. You can't expect your daughter to continue like this indefinitely. She needs support in freeing herself from this phobia. You're not helping her.

God, all these people who would never use 'someone else's' loo are probably those who don't answer the door or ever answer the phone!
If someone needs the toilet, what's wrong with using the nearest one? I think everyone's being a bit precious about it really.
There is a perfectly valid reason that the other mum may be upstairs with her daughter and then need a wee.
I can't get offended about someone using my en-suite if needed, especially when it's got access from the hall/family space!

God, all these people who would never use 'someone else's' loo

I don't think anyone said that in the context you imply did they? I think most people just have better manners. Some of you don't of course. 🤷

If a child in my house suddenly said they needed the loo and the nearest one was my en-suite, they would use it - especially if there are issues as OP described.
We all pee and shit - why is it bad manners to use one toilet over another?

I've really enjoyed this thread today, thank you OP. You've taken a bit of a stick though. I hope you've sorted things out with your friend and can enjoy the rest of your break. I like to think of her going up to your bedroom and through to your en suite for a number two "because she was nearby".

If one or both children have a 'toilet phobia', it would have made sense for the op and her kids to occupy the downstairs bedroom.

If the door from the hall was locked that's because she doesn't want you to use it. Yabu.

Surely you shouldn't even be in the same cottage?

To be fair we don't know the set up.
It could be that they are in Tier 2 and keeping 2m apart, or 1m+.
Or that one is a single adult family and they have created a support bubble.

Kids can be messy in bathrooms so she'll have to deal with keeping the bathroom everyone is using clean. I wouldn't like people going through my bedroom. I get that since she has kids she doesn't have much privacy but it's obviously something she values. Going up the stairs is really no issue with children. Sure it takes a few minutes more but is no issue, plus walking up stairs is healthy.

You need to stop thinking of it as the downstairs loo. Its her en suite and no you shouldn't be using it. Shes quite right locking the door.

YABU. Surely if you know your children leave it to the last minute to tell you they need to go, you just go back to toilet training basics whilst on holiday and periodically take them upstairs to the toilet so they go before it becomes an issue.

my 4 year old would never make it to a toilet upstairs

How will they manage when they get to school, if not already at school?
What about when your are out for the day?

Unless he has a medical reason then it might be worth looking at some bladder control exercises to enable him to be able to hang on for an extra minute or two.

I live in a three storey house. The living room is on the middle floor. We only have toilets on the ground floor (downstairs cloakroom) and top floor (main bathroom or our ensuite.)

I grew up in houses which only had one toilet, so half the time you were on the 'wrong' floor. We just learnt we had to wait either til we got to the right floor, or til the one toilet we had wasn't occupied.

Why is that door there if it is only for the person using the bedroom?

Probably so it can be used for either situation, depending on who is staying there.

If downstairs bedroom isn't being used - lock the bedroom door to it and just use i as a downstairs toilet off the hall.

If bedroom is being used, lock the hall entrance and use it as an ensuite.

I just realised that you can access the bathroom from the hall without going through the bedroom so I can see your point more. So in that situation, I personally wouldn't have an issue with others using it, but since she does I think it's fine to just get along with her and use the bathrooms upstairs.

Bloody hell lots of houses only have an upstairs toilet. You and your kids need to stop being so lazy and ‘traipse’ all the way up a few steps like many thousands of other people do.

I feel that the door into the hallway is somewhat of a red herring. It is there if whole families are sharing or, more importantly if you have visitors to the cottage so they can use a loo without accessing a bedroom. It doesn't turn it into a downstairs loo. I think the fact you cut through her bedroom when door was locked was incredibly intrusive.

Why should your friend end up with the most used toilet on the holiday? She's already accommodated you by agreeing to have the downstairs room. You owe her an apology.

Re your eldest being afraid of toilets maybe show her how they function? That there is no room for a screaming man.

You are very very unreasonable. An en-suite is part of the bedroom - I'd not want other children wandering through when they felt like it. At the their ages, they are old enough to not be "last minute" and I'd be very pissed off (pun intended) if one them peed on my bedroom floor on the way to the toilet.

We coped with toilet training twins and one single upstairs bathroom

I think it might seem all a bit one-sided to your friend.

You get to pick the upstairs bedroom (with your en suite) because your Dd gets night terrors, leaving her with what you see as the communal downstairs toilet for 6 people.

You should have recognised the locked door as a hint and not gone through her bedroom.

Anyway - are you continuing to be tense about it? Don't let it ruin the week.

Respect her request that her bathroom and bedroom remain private with good grace, relax, look forwards and enjoy your half term break.

I agree with the majority of the others. The fact that there's a Jack and Jill set up with the doors is beside the point. The polite thing to do would have been to have asked if it was OK for your family to use the downstairs bathroom in the first place. It's not just another 'spare' bathroom, it's her bathroom with her stuff, her towels in it. So it's her space - with an extra door.

And if she was in the kitchen with her children couldn't you have just asked if the door was locked for a reason? Rather than actual invade her privacy by going into her bedroom. That room obviously isn't used by everyone so why would it even cross your mind to go into it?

But my question is, what does your older child do if she needs a wee in the night? Does she get the other girl to go to the loo with her? Or does she just hold? If it's the latter you do need to get help for her. At eight she can't carry on like that. It will impact her future friendships - if she can't go to the cinema with friends or to the shops with them because she can't use a public loo without you in tow.

And are her night terrors happening? How does the other girl feel about that - I would imagine someone having a night terror when I was only 7 years old myself is pretty frightening. Did your friend know about the night terror/loo issues before you went on holiday? If so then she's got herself partly to blame for this as she should have thought through the set up. But you can't just assume a loo is available just because it's there. What would you have said if your friend was upstairs with her child, her child was using the loo in her/your daughter's en suite and your friend was caught short so ran into your bedroom to use your en suite. And did it every time she needed the loo. It's the same thing.

I wonder how many people have read the op first post properly. its a Jack and Jill bathroom the door from the corridor is there because you are supposed to access it both as an en-suite and as the downstairs toilet.

No, it is there to give you the OPTION to access it from either way or both - and was likely designed with just one family occupying the cottage in mind. The dynamic would be completely different if it were just a single family.

Some houses are designed with 'granny flat' annexes, to give the occupants more flexibility in how they use their home - it doesn't mean that anybody - even one of the family's friends - is welcome to just move in if they're only using it as a playroom/gym/office or whatever.

Er no everyone can use any bathroom.

In theory, yes, but in practice, the friend has no cause to be upstairs at all (unless to help her daughter at night). She's been told that she has to have the least private bedroom, right next to where everybody else is all day when they're indoors, and she has then been told by the person who deemed her less deserving of privacy that she shouldn't actually have any privacy at all.

And it’s not her friends bathroom , it’s a holiday cottage!

Don't be ridiculous: it is her bathroom for the duration that she has paid her share (more than, under the circumstances) to hire the place. Do you object when tenants consider (and refer to) the place they've paid good money to live in as 'my house' simply because they don't own it outright?