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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have used the downstairs loo?

763 replies

WheresYourSecretSadness · 26/10/2020 09:50

At a holiday cottage with a friend and each of our 2 kids. The cottage has 3 bedrooms - 1 downstairs 2 upstairs - and all bedrooms are en suite. There’s no other bathrooms or toilets.

I’m in an upstairs bedroom with 4yo DS, my friend is downstairs with her 3yoDS and our girls (7 and 8) are sharing the other upstairs bedroom.

When we’ve been downstairs and me or my kids have needed the toilet we’ve gone to the downstairs one, which is attached to my friend’s room. There’s a door entrance from the hall. This morning they both needed the loo so I took them to the downstairs toilet, but the door from the hallway was locked, it had been locked from inside the toilet. My friend and her kids were in the kitchen so we went through her bedroom to go to the loo.

She was a bit huffy when I came out and I asked what was wrong. She said she’s not happy about us going through her bedroom as its an invasion of her privacy. Fair enough, but my kids were desperate for the loo. She then said that she’d like us to use our own bathrooms for the toilet! Meaning I have to traipse upstairs every time me or the kids need the loo! Not ideal especially when they’re desperate. I (reluctantly) agreed but I think she’s being a bit precious and don’t think it’s a big deal at all sharing a bathroom? If it was me in the downstairs bedroom I honestly wouldn’t mind.

AIBU for using the downstairs loo or is she being precious about “her” bathroom?

OP posts:
RevolutionRadio · 26/10/2020 12:44

@cheeseandwin I've just queried how the cost was split too.

I assumed they had gone 50:50 and so each adult would have a private bathroom each and the other one in the children's room as an extra.

Alternista · 26/10/2020 12:44

YABVU, OP.

Have you apologised to your friend?

jessstan1 · 26/10/2020 12:49

WheresYourSecretSadness, you would have been better to have had the downstairs bedroom and shared it with your two, letting your friend have upstairs exclusively for herself and children. I know that is hindsight but think about it in case there is a 'next time'.

I hope you've managed to smooth things over, are now going upstairs when the facilities are needed and are enjoying your holiday - I still can't get over you being able to go away but that is your business.

Doobiedooo · 26/10/2020 12:50

@terriblyangryattimes

Unless you're in a lighthouse YABU use your own loos.
😆 agreed
Mydogmylife · 26/10/2020 12:52

@Brakebackcyclebot

OP having read 4 pages of the thread I'm surprised at the response. The bathroom has a door into the hall, I think. Meaning you can access it without going through the bedroom. I would have used it too. I would also expect the door to the hall only to be locked when your friend was in there, showering or using the loo herself.

If she wanted her own private en suite, she should have chosen an upstairs room.

But clearly I'm in a minority!

The friend didn't choose the downstairs room though, op 'allocated 'it as the upstairs suited her better! Win win all round for her really
Sodamncold · 26/10/2020 12:52

So unreasonable I am actually gobsmacked you have friends close enough to go on holiday with. Or even friends on any level.

PurpleFlower1983 · 26/10/2020 12:56

YABVU and should have used your own as they are very clearly allocated. I would have been really annoyed with you too. I thought this was a reverse at first but obviously not.

ODFOx · 26/10/2020 12:56

You are blending 2 households in a pandemic. Even if it wasn't really thoughtless to commandeer their en suite anyway, surely you should be using separate facilities as Much as possible as part of your social distancing efforts?
Is this actually real?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 26/10/2020 12:57

If there's a door from the hall it's not an "en suite" so free for all to use. I wouldn't have gone through her bedroom, but equally she shouldnt have locked the other door unless she was in there!!

It obviously was being designated as an en-suite with the current two-family set-up. The door through to the hall gives extra options if the occupants find that set-up more convenient e.g.:

  1. Nobody using the downstairs room as a bedroom - bathroom is a free-for-all;
  2. One family is occupying the house and very young children are in that bedroom (overnight or just for napping in the daytime) - door between bedroom and bathroom is kept locked for their safety and the bathroom is a free-for-all from the hall for the adults and any older children;
  3. The person/people using the downstairs bedroom is/are disabled and/or frail - the bathroom is exclusively theirs, but they can access it through whichever door is easier or more accessible for them at the time, depending on which room they were in before needing the toilet.

Either way, unless it is a couple or very open family, surely you would only want one of the access doors unlocked at any one time. At present, without locking the door to the hall (as she has had to now she knows that OP has boundary issues), OP's friend cannot have the chance to use her own bathroom in private, safe in the knowledge that nobody else is going to barge in through the other door. It's extremely unfair for her to have to try to grab the chance to use her 'communal' bathroom when everybody else has their own exclusive bathroom.

A lot of hotels will have two separate rooms with connecting doors, giving the potential for access between the two. If the rooms are occupied by parents in one and young children in the other (or a couple where one snores dreadfully and so they sleep apart), the door will probably be left open in the day and give free access between them. If there are two friends, each occupying a room, depending on their closeness, they may knock and use the inter-connecting door if appropriate. If the two rooms are occupied by complete strangers from each other, you don't get somebody in one room expecting to be able to just waltz through, claiming "But there wouldn't be a door there if I wasn't supposed to be able to use it to go next door".

nestisflown · 26/10/2020 12:57

You are being very unreasonable. Especially the fact that you let your daughter do a poo in that toilet- disgusting. Most 4 and 8 year olds can hold a poo and wee in for the duration it takes to walk upstairs (unless there are medical issues).

The last place we lived in only had an upstairs toilet- I toilet trained my eldest there and he had no problems at age 2 holding in his wee until we got upstairs.

You need to apologise to your friend and stop being so inconsiderate and rude. Add to the fact that it was you that requested the upstairs room and bathroom. So cheeky.

Toothsil · 26/10/2020 13:00

YABU. That is her private bathroom and her room. Not to mention the fact that we're in the middle of a global pandemic and its safer to all have your own toilets. You're being very entitled and precious over your kids.

Toothsil · 26/10/2020 13:02

Also, most houses I had anything to do with as a child had the only toilet upstairs - ours, both grandparents, aunties, friends. Our first marital home also only had an upstairs bathroom so when DD was potty training and at the stage of starting to use the actual toilet, she had to get upstairs for the toilet. She was 2.5 and managed.

Aridane · 26/10/2020 13:06

I agree it should’ve been settled beforehand but she should have said if she wanted it exclusively for herself and her son

So next time say hey I will be using your bathroom even though I have my own 😂😂

itbemay1 · 26/10/2020 13:08

If you're friendly enough to be on holiday together then I honestly can't see the issue with you using the loo! Maybe it's just me (seems to be from pp) Grin

NoSleepInTheHeat · 26/10/2020 13:08

I agree with 93% of the votes, YABU!

LaBellina · 26/10/2020 13:10

YABVVU.

You seem to have very little respect for others boundaries. If I were your friend, I would have told you from the start that you were being invasive, rude and entitled to think you can just use the space I paid for without even asking.

Inastatus · 26/10/2020 13:13

93% think YABU, including me. Pretty conclusive OP.

Shizzlestix · 26/10/2020 13:14

Yabvu. You have your own bathrooms, use them. She gave you a clear enough hint.

Tissueboxcover · 26/10/2020 13:19

Surely you shouldn't even be in the same cottage?
Never mind sharing the loo.

IrmaFayLear · 26/10/2020 13:21

The hint is the big clue here. Maybe OP didn’t think and was a bit oblivious at first. That’s forgivable. But to then go through the bedroom is sticking two fingers up to friend’s hint.

KarmaStar · 26/10/2020 13:21

Op,why bother asking if yabu?
You clearly think your friend is wrong and the vast majority of posters are wrong.😂
Yabu by the way without a doubt.

TheDowagerDuchessofMwwwahaha · 26/10/2020 13:22

It’s clearly set up so that each person has the privacy of their own bathroom. You have your own private one upstairs, it’s only fair she had hers.

You’ve already got the added privacy of being upstairs rather than downstairs, so I think it’s a bit much to be “nipping” through her bedroom into her bathroom too!

My house only has an upstairs loo (moved in when ds was 4) and it’s no problem.

ButamIbothered · 26/10/2020 13:23

Bloody hell Op you've got a cheek. When friend locked the inside door (and rightly so) you then felt it appropriate to walk through her bedroom Seriously YABU! What else is happening please enlighten us? Grin

IrmaFayLear · 26/10/2020 13:24

Maybe this is a past situation, which actually happened last year, and “en-suite-gate” caused a rift in the friendship causing OP to ruminate some while afterwards...

CookieClub · 26/10/2020 13:24

Wouldn't have considered it an issue initially, but given her blatant hint by locking the door...you had no right to then gain access via her private bedroom..what if she'd left her vibrator on the bed Grin (I know highly unlikely as holidaying with young kids, before anyone starts)
But yes OP I think the point you overstepped the mark, was when you chose to go through the bedroom.

Maybe in future, ensure your kids use your allocated bathroom..although maybe if you were all socialising together, one needed a wee, she might be nice enough to say ah it's okay nip and use the downstairs loo to save you going upstairs..but it shouldn't be an assumption that this is the case repeatedly.