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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sexual Stuff

197 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 26/10/2020 08:12

I've been in a relationship/married for a very long time and throughout have always refused to do certain sex things because we've tried them and I really don't enjoy doing them. He's really unhappy at the minute because I won't do them and says it's making his life miserable and I should want to do things to make him happy. I feel a bit uncomfortable with that kind of attitude but maybe I'm wrong because sometimes in life we do things for other people (watch a film you might not be keen on, visit friends or family when you would prefer to stay at home)

Should I just put up and shut up once in a while or is it ok for me to refuse to do certain things? My drive at the moment is through the floor which isn't helping and I have been having sex even when I don't want to just to keep the peace.

I'm in a really unhappy place at the moment and really not sure how I feel about everything so that's potentially clouding my view.

Help.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/10/2020 08:14

It's completely ok for you to not want to do some sexual things, and he should respect your feelings not try to guilt or coerce you into it. Watching a film you don't really fancy is totally different from having sex in a way you don't want it.

OssomMummy1 · 26/10/2020 08:15

If you are not happy to do it, DONT DO IT. Because if you say yes today, tomorrow another new request will come, which might be worse than what you said yes to, today. So, by saying yes, you may be encouraging him to do weird things more. can you put up with it?

RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder · 26/10/2020 08:15

Would you want him to do things sexually that he didn’t enjoy? Would you feel happy and aroused knowing that he was hating every second of it or would that upset you?

It is not normal in a loving relationship to pressure the other person into doing things in bed that they don’t like. There is a word for people who do.

flaviaritt · 26/10/2020 08:16

Don’t do anything sexually that you don’t want to do. It is not the same as watching a film. I assume it induces feelings in you that you don’t like that aren’t boredom?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/10/2020 08:17

If you don’t want to do a certain act then don’t. Surely he can see that getting you to do something you don’t like would hardly be likely to get you going?

jellybe · 26/10/2020 08:17

I'd counter his 'you not doing this is making my sad' emotional blackmail with your trying to make me do this, which you know I don't like, is making me sad'

His feelings/ wants don't trump yours. And if he can't see that maybe it is time to rethink the relationship.

Plus, doing something sexual that you don't want to is not comparable to watching a film you aren't interested in.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/10/2020 08:18

His behaviour is sexual abuse. I'm sorry you're living with that Flowers

PersonaNonGarter · 26/10/2020 08:19

OP - your body your choice. You are right and fine to say No.

Please pick your self esteem up off the floor and have confidence that you can say no. Tell him you do not want the subject to come up again. And Leave the room if it does.

Powerplant · 26/10/2020 08:21

It’s making his life miserable - oh come on - how about your life? This really is an overreaction from him don’t let him guilt you in to doing anything you don’t want to do. It’s all about respect surely.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 26/10/2020 08:21

@jellybe

I'd counter his 'you not doing this is making my sad' emotional blackmail with your trying to make me do this, which you know I don't like, is making me sad'

His feelings/ wants don't trump yours. And if he can't see that maybe it is time to rethink the relationship.

Plus, doing something sexual that you don't want to is not comparable to watching a film you aren't interested in.

I've already been rethinking the whole thing, have been for a long time, even before he came out with this. My feelings have totally changed and I've tried to explain but I feel like I'm being selfish tearing out family apart when he hasn't actually done anything wrong. I just feel so disinterested in him completely, it sounds awful but I feel like we are more like friends than anything else but he doesn't feel the same so it's really difficult.
OP posts:
Glitterandunicorns · 26/10/2020 08:21

Please don't do anything sexually that you don't enthusiastically want yourself. It is absolutely not the same thing as compromising on a film at all.

I know it's common to say it on these boards, but in this case, it's true: the way he is behaving sounds coercive. Guilt tripping you into having the sort of sex you don't want? That sounds abusive to me. What kind of person would enjoy sex knowing that their partner did not want to do it?

Are you sure you want to continue a relationship with a person who behaves this way? Even if you've been in a relationship a long time, and tried whatever sexual activity before, none of that makes what he's doing ok. Please consider leaving if he doesn't stop.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 26/10/2020 08:23

He thinks I'm on a power trip saying no because I'm the only one who can provide the thing he wants. Everyone else apparantly does it so he says after doing some googling.

He's never been like this before, I can only assume he's feeling hurt because of me suggesting I might want to end our marriage and so he's lashing out.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 26/10/2020 08:24

No you shouldn’t do something you don’t want to do. Watching a film is completely different and I wonder if this is part of his argument when he’s talking to you about doing the thing.

We all have things we don’t like to do in the bedroom and that really is ok.

You dp really needs to start respecting your choices and listening to you. It’s actually very unkind and hurtful of him to be trying to coerce you into something you don’t what to do.

What stiles me from your post is how sad you sound and I wonder how the rest of your relationship is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2020 08:25

You absolutely should end it if you’re with someone so disrespectful. Who gives a crap what google says or other couples do. It’s your body, you should only do with it what you choose. He’s being a nasty bully.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/10/2020 08:26

Pressuring you to do sexual things you don't want to do is abuse and it is wrong. He's not being a good guy who is lashing out he's being an abuser.

picklemewalnuts · 26/10/2020 08:29

Ask him if he'd enjoy having that kind of sex with someone if he knew they weren't into it. Make him think about his answer. That it's ok to use someone else's body to get what you want.

Lollyneenah · 26/10/2020 08:30

Hes being a pig. Hes seen whatever it is in porn and thinks that it's normal for everyone.

OP, please please dont do anything you dont want to do. You'll feel so much worse if you do. I gave in to pressure from an ex and I still feel absolutely revolting about it 15 years later Sad.

You need to start making plans to leave imo

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 26/10/2020 08:31

Sorry, is he a teenager wanting the latest phone cos all his friends have it. Even if literally everyone else in the entire world was doing this sex thing it would still be OK for you to say no.

Tell him his life must be rather unfulfilled if this is such a big deal so best you split and he can go find someone else to help him fill it.

Redlocks28 · 26/10/2020 08:32

What is it he’s actually talking about? Threesomes, bondage or anal sex is one thing-I can totally underhand you not wanting to do many things like that. Though, if it was something like oral sex, I can understand being in a long term relationship with someone who didn’t want to do that when it was the other persons favourite thing, might be difficult.

Being a manipulative arsehole bully about it is clearly not the way to go though! Your relationship sounds like you both want different things and it has probably now run it’s course.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/10/2020 08:32

He is doing something wrong, he's trying to pressure you I to doing something you don't feel comfortable with.

Everyone has the right to say no to sexual acts they don't like.

GilbertMarkham · 26/10/2020 08:32

You're on a power trip?
To the contrary, sounds like he's on one.

It's not a power trip to say no to doing something you don't want to do or enjoy doing.

Everyone does it apparently?

That wouldn't matter even if it were true but I bet it's not.

Lee's see .. why don't you ask him to do something sexual you know he'd not enjoy/be up for and when he says no; tell him he's making you sad, tell.him he's in a power trip to deny you, tell him you googled it and all other men do it ....
.

GilbertMarkham · 26/10/2020 08:34

He's being sexually coercive - coercion doesn't have to be physical, it can be verbal, emotional, blackmail, normalising, minimising, gas lighting .. all of which he's doing.

If the relationship/marriage ends it would be because of his behaviour, not yours.

flaviaritt · 26/10/2020 08:36

He thinks I'm on a power trip saying no because I'm the only one who can provide the thing he wants.

Chris Hemsworth is the only one who can provide the thing I want. He (sadly) doesn’t want to. Does that mean he’s on a power trip?

honeylulu · 26/10/2020 08:38

Bullying and trying to coerce you like that is vile. You "should want to make him happy" even if it's something YOU hate being done to YOUR body??? Have a good think about that. It's so dehumanising. He's supposed to love, cherish and respect you.

I bet it's anal btw.

GilbertMarkham · 26/10/2020 08:40

I bet he's been watching porn, and thinks he should get what men get in porn.

What he's missing (and what many men miss) is that porn is porn. Porn is not real life and not real sex. Men and women in porn are actors & actresses. They get paid (unless it's amateur, even then there's often a financial angle). They do things they may not enjoy to get paid.
Even porn actresses don't have "porn sex" when they're at home with their partners.

If it's anal sex, tell him you'll do it if he lets do it to him with a dildo/vibrator as big as his dick. After all men haven erogenous zone up there while we don't ... Sure all men love it.

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