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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sexual Stuff

197 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 26/10/2020 08:12

I've been in a relationship/married for a very long time and throughout have always refused to do certain sex things because we've tried them and I really don't enjoy doing them. He's really unhappy at the minute because I won't do them and says it's making his life miserable and I should want to do things to make him happy. I feel a bit uncomfortable with that kind of attitude but maybe I'm wrong because sometimes in life we do things for other people (watch a film you might not be keen on, visit friends or family when you would prefer to stay at home)

Should I just put up and shut up once in a while or is it ok for me to refuse to do certain things? My drive at the moment is through the floor which isn't helping and I have been having sex even when I don't want to just to keep the peace.

I'm in a really unhappy place at the moment and really not sure how I feel about everything so that's potentially clouding my view.

Help.

OP posts:

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 26/10/2020 14:31

@movingonup20 how are your toes?

CodenameVillanelle · 26/10/2020 14:33

[quote Iwonder08]@newwayofthinking - OP clearly stated she felt this way before he started making these demands. She wanted to leave before. They are more like friends..
It doesn't sound like a healthy fulfilling relationship for either party[/quote]
Does he sound like a normal decent guy who is just acting out because he feels rejected and hurt? Or does he sound like a coercive, abusive prick who thinks it's fine to insist on his wishes being fulfilled no matter whether his partner hates doing it?
Abusive behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere. There will have been other abusive behaviour that predated the anal coercion which is likely why the OP has stopped wanting to be intimate with him in the first place.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/10/2020 14:35

@jessstan1

TurquoiseDragon Mon 26-Oct-20 12:08:15 I thought the majority of women don't really want anal, it's just that porn is making it seem more mainstream. .......... You're right about that. Women who do claim to enjoy it have to 'learn' to do so. It makes me think if I banged my head against a brick wall often enough I might learn to enjoy that.

Not that this is particularly relevant but I like doing it with my boyfriend but you're absolutely right, it was a process. I decided to start the process because I knew he would enjoy it and therefore I would but it was entirely under my control and never expected. Now we both enjoy it but it's absolutely not something anyone should ever do if they aren't keen AND if they haven't warmed up as it were.

Coffeeandcocopops · 26/10/2020 14:41

My partner asked me to try those sexual acts. I said no. False stop. Occasionally he makes a joke and I just say no not happening. Not my thing.

Coffeeandcocopops · 26/10/2020 14:42

I’ve also read too many articles about women having lose bowels after a while as the back passage isn’t designed for regular insertions.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 26/10/2020 14:43

I wish it were a deal-breaker, he says he won't leave because of it, he will just be miserable. He's refusing to accept the way I feel at the moment, I wish he would just say ok and let me walk away without a fight.

Honestly OP I would tell him that its a dealbreaker for YOU. You don't want to be with someone who would coerce you into doing something in bed that you don't want and walk away. Its barely a step down from rape as far as I'm concerned.

SirVixofVixHall · 26/10/2020 14:43

A man who uses emotional manipulation to try and pressure his partner into a niche sex act that she won’t enjoy and does not want is the least sexy prospect possible. How can anyone feel the spark of desire in this situation ? It is obviously going to kill it stone dead, as who would want to have sex under these circumstances? If DH was like this I would never fancy him .

msflibble · 26/10/2020 15:49

Also OP he is being ridiculous. Of course not every woman agrees to those things. I don't do either, I don't give blow jobs at all and back when I did I finishing in my mouth was banned. When DH asked why I was so against it I asked how he'd feel about swallowing my menstrual blood or something I'd just blown out of my nose onto a tissue.
It's gross. I don't want bodily fluids in my mouth or my stomach. Fine if other women find it sexy, I'm not judging, but I've got no intention of doing it just because some idiot sex therapist said in their advice column in a national paper that it should be a dealbreaker (I've seen this, I shit you not).
Likewise anal - have had it and didn't hate it but it caused pain and bleeding for weeks so that's a no from me.
Your OH is behaving with incredible entitlement and a worrying lack of concern for your wellbeing. And it sounds a lot like you don't fancy him at all anymore, probably because of the reasons above, plus god knows what else.
Definitely LTB and don't look back. He's a selfish prick.

picklemewalnuts · 26/10/2020 16:03

Counselling may be helpful for him to realise that you are no longer compatible and need to separate. It's really not about sex at all, although he's trying to claim it is.

PicsInRed · 26/10/2020 16:11

It sounds like for some reason he wants the relationship to end and he want to blame you for that to avoid carrying the culpability for leaving you.

When that conversation happens, please remember this, and that he's done that on purpose - and that any "fault" is all his.

I would urge you to ensure that you have copies all all important financial paperwork where he cannot remove it and cash in an account he cannot touch. I would ensure you have your own line of credit and be as independent as you can be, as quickly as you can be.

jessstan1 · 26/10/2020 16:16

@Coffeeandcocopops

I’ve also read too many articles about women having lose bowels after a while as the back passage isn’t designed for regular insertions.

Fistulas are common. Women are really not designed for anal sex and they don't have a prostate gland to be stimulated. I don't get why men want to do it anyway unless they are closet gay and pretending their partner is another bloke.

StanfordPines · 26/10/2020 17:24

It doesn’t matter what the act is really.
Even if it was totally vanilla sex but you didn’t want it he has no right to force you. No decent man would want that.

TurquoiseDragon · 26/10/2020 17:51

@movingonup20

Ultimately it's your body so your choice. However is it worth speaking to a specialist therapist who can help you unpack why your sex drive is low and why you are not interested in certain things. Whether his requests are reasonable sort of depends on what they are, are they normal mainstream things or is he asking for practices that many of us would refuse? There is nothing to stop you saying no as I said, it's your right but there's 2 in a relationship so compromise and exploration is important

I no longer do compromise when it comes to sex. If I don't like and don't want it, it isn't happening. I've been in the position of being coerced for sex, or specific sex acts, I didn't want and it's never happening again. I ended up feeling so dirty, and experienced pain, and I hated that I went through with it.

I wouldn't give a fuck if the sex acts are niche or mainstream. I don't need to speak to a specialist therapist to find out why I don't like these acts, I already know.

And OP already knows. If you've tried these acts, you know if you like them or not.

SoulofanAggron · 26/10/2020 20:15

Well my fantasy is a man taking it up the arse with a strap on. Then show him porn and say Everyone's doing it!

The problem with this is some men enjoy it, so saying that doesn't have the desired effect of getting the most sex-obsessed amongst them to STFU.

He thinks a therapist might change my mind and get me wanting to do more exciting things.

'LOL!' I was given that line too. You could say that maybe a therapist would help him stop trying to manipulate someone into sexual things they don't want to do.

If you did speak to a therapist they'd tell you you don't have a problem in this respect, so it'd be a waste of money you having therapy to try and want sex acts you don't want.

Even better, if you were to see one they might ask you how you feel about the situation, and encourage you to separate from him because being pressured to do sexual things you don't want to do is not ok.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 27/10/2020 10:37

My therapist would likely hit the roof if I sat a partner down in front of him and told him I was being pressured into sex acts I don't want to do. He'd have a calm facade, mind but he'd certainly take my side. I think unless you explicitly said you wanted to save the relationship, you would be advised to run for the hills.

justilou1 · 27/10/2020 10:58

Without minimizing the sex stuff... Do you think he’s trying to spice things up in a typically clunky, man-type way because he’s afraid of losing you and doesn’t know how to reconnect with you? How old are you? Could you possibly be going through perimenopause? I’m asking because it sounds very familiar. (The disconnect, etc, not his sexually crap. That’s on him.)

CodenameVillanelle · 27/10/2020 11:00

@justilou1

He's not trying to spice up their sex life, he's complaining that it's too focused on the OP's enjoyment and he should get to do what he wants whether she wants to or not. Don't minimise this.

justilou1 · 27/10/2020 11:15

I’m not. I’m focusing on the OP’s disconnect prior to this. The sex shit is totally unacceptable. I want to know what went wrong before this. OP has said that things went wonky first.

GabsAlot · 27/10/2020 11:18

why are you going to marriage counselling when you dont want to be with him anyway

whats it going to solve-hes already suggested it so now thinks youre going along to sort out why you dont want anal with him

justilou1 · 27/10/2020 20:00

@CodenameVillanelle at no stage did I imply that I was okay with his creepy, pushy sexy pest behaviour. Nobody should tolerate that - ever. I was trying to work out why op felt disconnected BEFORE all of this. His porny bullshit’s intolerable.

SkySmiler · 30/10/2020 12:08

You've got the ick, no going back, as someone else said, why bother with counselling - you're not compatible and never will be - put your energy into your new life

Original poster

mightbealittlebitmad · 30/11/2020 10:44

Just bumping this...

My feelings are very much the same, he has apologised for pressuring me into the sex stuff and says he was being an idiot but I'm still feeling pressured into doing stuff with him.

I'm trying to explain that I just don't have any drive at the minute, don't really want hugs etc but he's going mad saying he's feeling rejected which I suppose he is being.

I don't know what to do next really. I'm scared of leaving because I know it's going to make things difficult for the kids. I have no idea how to juggle a job around the school holidays without his help. I won't be earning much so paying for a ton of holiday clubs won't be financially viable. I don't have any money aside from the joint stuff to pay for a house and to even semi furnish it.

At the same time I really feel like I need to tell him after Christmas even if it means us still living together until I find somewhere. The savings are also in my name so I should be able to get half of them to help pay for a rental deposit and a small amount of essential furniture and build it up from there. I don't know how he will take it, if he's really upset he won't be able to function at work and may face losing his job. When we were having these talks previously he would email from work saying how miserable he is and unable to do a proper job. I don't know how it's going to work sharing custody, he can't do any of the school runs and has already said he wants every other weekend to himself so if he were to have them in the week I would have to do all the school runs, he would pick them up from mine after work then drop them round the next morning before he goes to work. My job can work around this no problem because it's what we do already, it's just the backwards and forwards might be harsh on the kids.

Maybe I'm being selfish and searching for my own happiness instead of thinking about the other 3 people in this family.

There is a lot going on in my head at the moment, deep down I feel like I need to leave but it makes things a lot harder for everyone.

OP posts:

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