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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sexual Stuff

197 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 26/10/2020 08:12

I've been in a relationship/married for a very long time and throughout have always refused to do certain sex things because we've tried them and I really don't enjoy doing them. He's really unhappy at the minute because I won't do them and says it's making his life miserable and I should want to do things to make him happy. I feel a bit uncomfortable with that kind of attitude but maybe I'm wrong because sometimes in life we do things for other people (watch a film you might not be keen on, visit friends or family when you would prefer to stay at home)

Should I just put up and shut up once in a while or is it ok for me to refuse to do certain things? My drive at the moment is through the floor which isn't helping and I have been having sex even when I don't want to just to keep the peace.

I'm in a really unhappy place at the moment and really not sure how I feel about everything so that's potentially clouding my view.

Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 26/10/2020 08:40

@honeylulu

Bullying and trying to coerce you like that is vile. You "should want to make him happy" even if it's something YOU hate being done to YOUR body??? Have a good think about that. It's so dehumanising. He's supposed to love, cherish and respect you.

I bet it's anal btw.

That and "finishing" in my mouth. I always stop before the end because I hate it. Have no issues with the oral act as long as I get to stop before I get anything in my mouth.
OP posts:
flaviaritt · 26/10/2020 08:42

Sorry, just someone calling it “finishing” would have me running for the hills. He sounds sexually coercive and vile. The acts he wants you to “provide” are painful or repulsive to you. Why would any loving partner insist on them?

Hailtomyteeth · 26/10/2020 08:42

Do not do anything you don't want to do. Not anal, not oral, nothing. I don't care how many people do it, you don't have to. That's your body, your choice.

He's pressuring you, long term, to do things you don't want. He sees you as an object, available for his gratification. There's no respect, no concern for your feelings.

You were unsure. You were right to check with other women. We say, don't do it.

KnightKnurse · 26/10/2020 08:46

It seems that there is a lot more going on than the sexual stuff, having a poor relationship overall can manifest itself in sex problems.

If you are not in to the same type of things sexually, then it’s not the relationship for you. Sadly it’s a discussion that lots of couples don’t have early on.

I’m lucky to be in a good relationship and we are generally happy to do/try what the other wants, but it is not forced.

Good look OP!

Eminado · 26/10/2020 08:47

Tell him to lay off the porn.

And no, not everyone does those things.

Thesuzle · 26/10/2020 08:47

I am still somewhat traumatised by the tv show Adult Material, there was discussion on boards here about the whether it was supposed to be funny, empowering, etc. I just found it v v sad and depressing. The emphasis on the main characters eventual giving in to filming an Anal scene, was beyond doubt a salutary lessen.

I never have and never will, do it myself,
The tv show underlined for me the power men derive from doing this to women. You risk your physical health, let alone your mental health
In pandering to men on any sex act that you find distasteful, and or painful.

picklemewalnuts · 26/10/2020 08:47

No reason he should expect that. Let him google all he likes.

Quartz2208 · 26/10/2020 08:49

no one should do anything they hate just to make people happy

Regularsizedrudy · 26/10/2020 08:50

Absolutely do NOT do anything sexual you don’t want to. Even if it feels like you need to do it for an easy life, it’s the kind of thing that chips away at you. Well done for having clear boundaries and standing firm in what you want. He is being revolting, he is not entitled to sex or particular sex acts. If “everyone else does it” tell him to fuck off and do it with someone else then. Honestly the audacity of men sometimes it turns my stomach!

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2020 08:50

What it is, is irrelevant. It is entirely your decision.

Op, can I just let you know, as some one who has just got divorced, that if you possibly can, it's absolutely fine. Our kids are fine. All this 'tearing families apart' narrative is really damaging.

Powerplant · 26/10/2020 08:51

Get the dildo out and say ‘you first’. See if that cheers him up😊

Greeneyes78 · 26/10/2020 08:53

Op this is grim.

Slimy bastard, oh god. Have you friends or family that you can talk to?

slidingdrawers · 26/10/2020 08:54

This is the reason your libido is through the floor OP. It is your defence mechanism against his sexual coercion and lack of respect for you

lazylump72 · 26/10/2020 08:54

Really sorry OP you are so not being unreasonable.Your dh is being unreasonable totally asking you to do these things. He should have far more respect for you than he does.No one should be expected to do anything they do not wish to.Time for a good honest conversation I think and please do not be afraid to shy away from speaking your mind. I have had little sex drive for a couple of years now due to the menopause and I have to say my dh has been completely understanding and although now things are getting much better and I feel more like my old self it has taken a lot of patience and understanding from him and that has only increased my respect for him.Please don;t blame yourself for how you feel.

ptumbi · 26/10/2020 08:54

He thinks I'm on a power trip saying no because I'm the only one who can provide the thing he wants. - that's INCEL speak. You have a hole, he wants it, you are being unreasonable to not let him have it! Angry

Of course it's anal. Tell him that literally everyone in the entire world has one, and if he wants it so badly, he can find someone who actually likes it. It will probably be another man, but hey... what's the difference? Angry

I'd get rid. You are not happy (even without all this coercion) and it will NOT get beter.

KnightKnurse · 26/10/2020 08:56

Those additional details from OP do shed some light.

To be honest Cum in mouth is not my favourite either :) However DH loves it from time to time, and I’m happy to please ... I’m certainly not forced to do it. There are also things that are meh for DH, but I like and DH does those.

OptimisticSix · 26/10/2020 08:57

Not everyone does it, he is an arsehole, tell him to fuck himself. Job done.

msflibble · 26/10/2020 08:58

OP, please leave this man. You will end up sexually traumatised if you continue having sex you don't want in ways you don't like.
He has no qualms about coercing you into acts you don't feel comfortable with or enjoy for his own gratification. This is not love. Sex should be about mutual consent, enjoyment and satisfaction, not about what you can tolerate to make someone else happy. You are worth so much more than this.

DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe · 26/10/2020 08:58

Everyone is entitled to boundaries and for those boundaries to be respected. How many women could enjoy sex knowing their partner didn't want to do it and wasn't enjoying it? Not many. If my DH said I was making his life miserable for refusing anal sex I would laugh in his selfish, entitled, coercive face.

flaviaritt · 26/10/2020 08:59

To be honest Cum in mouth is not my favourite either smile However DH loves it from time to time, and I’m happy to please ... I’m certainly not forced to do it. There are also things that are meh for DH, but I like and DH does those

So you think the OP should allow her DH to ejaculate in her mouth why?

MadameMeursault · 26/10/2020 08:59

I have never done either of those things, and neither have many of those things.

“Finishing in your mouth” (🤮) is a power thing, no decent man would force a woman to do this. And he would be forcing you, coercion is force.

And anal would most likely hurt you, why does he want to hurt someone he’s supposed to love.

Tell him to lay off the porn, the creep.

LavaCake · 26/10/2020 09:00

YANBU at all. Having boundaries about sex is completely different to watching a film you’re not interested in. You have a complete and irrevocable right to decide what you’re comfortable with sexually, and your husband has absolutely no right to manipulate or pressure you into acts you’re not completely comfortable with. His behaviour is horrible - he’s showing complete disrespect for your comfort and happiness because he thinks his desire for a specific sex act is more important. That is a completely toxic attitude.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/10/2020 09:01

@KnightKnurse

Those additional details from OP do shed some light.

To be honest Cum in mouth is not my favourite either :) However DH loves it from time to time, and I’m happy to please ... I’m certainly not forced to do it. There are also things that are meh for DH, but I like and DH does those.

What you enjoy or do sexually has absolutely nothing to do with the OP. She doesn't want to do it so she doesn't have to.
arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2020 09:01

This isn't really about the sex. Think about what he's saying...

'I want you to do something you don't want to do to make me happy. You doing it will make me happy even though I know you're hating it. That's because I'm deeply selfish and don't really care about you.'

KnightKnurse · 26/10/2020 09:02

@flaviaritt ... that’s not what I said. OP should do what she wants.