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Original poster

Sexual Stuff

197 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 26/10/2020 08:12

I've been in a relationship/married for a very long time and throughout have always refused to do certain sex things because we've tried them and I really don't enjoy doing them. He's really unhappy at the minute because I won't do them and says it's making his life miserable and I should want to do things to make him happy. I feel a bit uncomfortable with that kind of attitude but maybe I'm wrong because sometimes in life we do things for other people (watch a film you might not be keen on, visit friends or family when you would prefer to stay at home)

Should I just put up and shut up once in a while or is it ok for me to refuse to do certain things? My drive at the moment is through the floor which isn't helping and I have been having sex even when I don't want to just to keep the peace.

I'm in a really unhappy place at the moment and really not sure how I feel about everything so that's potentially clouding my view.

Help.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 26/10/2020 13:02

So I've told him how I feel and he's still kicking off about it. Basically things aren't exciting enough for him.

Tough shit for him.

AuntyFungal · 26/10/2020 13:05

My feelings have totally gone, I avoid any kind of touch even hugs. When I do it just doesn't feel right. I don't know why.

Because you’re finally able to hear that little voice inside you.
What you’re talking about now - I bet is the tip of the iceberg.
Everyone has a limit. You’ve reached yours.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 26/10/2020 13:12

@AuntyFungal

My feelings have totally gone, I avoid any kind of touch even hugs. When I do it just doesn't feel right. I don't know why.

Because you’re finally able to hear that little voice inside you.
What you’re talking about now - I bet is the tip of the iceberg.
Everyone has a limit. You’ve reached yours.

Absolutely this!

You aren't wrong to have boundaries and limits. He's wrong to insist that his 'needs' override your own comfort. (real needs are, in fact, things like warmth, food, shelter, not sexual acts that leave his wife unhappy and anxious - that's just the language he's using to try and coerce you into what he wants). Bollocks to him trying to guilt and shame you into his choices. He's a clear-cut arsehole and you've now begun to realise that. Flowers

There is nothing in the world more disgusting than a person whose sexual desires overrule their capacity to be a decent human being. There is nothing less sexy than a man who has to beg and cajole. This is who he chooses to be every single day. You have the right to choose a life without him.

Iwonder08 · 26/10/2020 13:13

OP, you are going to have a bunch of women here telling you your DH is a bastard and shouldn't bully you into doing things you don't like.. However you have a wider problem rather than a particular sex thing you don't want to do. You don't fancy your DH at all anymore and your reasons to stay married are purely convenience/material. I bet he feels rejected both sexually and emotionally. You say you have sex just to avoid the conflict..do you honestly think it is fulfilling enough for him?
You should either address it with a therapist if you want to stay married or free the guy and get divorced.

CookieClub · 26/10/2020 13:17

@Iwonder08

OP, you are going to have a bunch of women here telling you your DH is a bastard and shouldn't bully you into doing things you don't like.. However you have a wider problem rather than a particular sex thing you don't want to do. You don't fancy your DH at all anymore and your reasons to stay married are purely convenience/material. I bet he feels rejected both sexually and emotionally. You say you have sex just to avoid the conflict..do you honestly think it is fulfilling enough for him? You should either address it with a therapist if you want to stay married or free the guy and get divorced.
THIS 100000%
yetanothernamitynamechange · 26/10/2020 13:22

Another poster said "But it shows how differently men think, compared to women."

I disagree with this actually. I think it shows how creepy, rapey men think. Not all men are like that, I think the number of posters who have posted that they left men like this and then found more respectful relationships show this.

I also disagree slightly with Iwonder08 - if he was feeling rejected sexually and emotionally he would surely have said that. I don't see how demanding anal is a natural response to feeling unfufilled emotionally. Also - I stopped fancying my ex when he became abusive. Its normal if someone is behaving unpleasantly towards you to stop fancying them (and emotionally manipulating you into anal is unpleasant behaviour). Thats his problem, ot yours!

Newwayofthinking · 26/10/2020 13:22

@Iwonder08

OP, you are going to have a bunch of women here telling you your DH is a bastard and shouldn't bully you into doing things you don't like.. However you have a wider problem rather than a particular sex thing you don't want to do. You don't fancy your DH at all anymore and your reasons to stay married are purely convenience/material. I bet he feels rejected both sexually and emotionally. You say you have sex just to avoid the conflict..do you honestly think it is fulfilling enough for him? You should either address it with a therapist if you want to stay married or free the guy and get divorced.
But she has withdrawn from him because he makes these demands from her and doesn't respect her boundarys.
Iwonder08 · 26/10/2020 13:28

@newwayofthinking - OP clearly stated she felt this way before he started making these demands. She wanted to leave before. They are more like friends..
It doesn't sound like a healthy fulfilling relationship for either party

Velvian · 26/10/2020 13:37

What's your point @Iwonder08? Op wants to end the relationship. What you're saying is not relevant to the situation.

OP has been manipulated into believing that her H gets a say in whether the relationship ends, as well as questioning whether she is in the wrong for not wishing her H to penetrate her anally.

Op's H and people like him need to be shut down without being 'understood'. His feelings are quite some way down the line from OP 's personal safety.

jessstan1 · 26/10/2020 13:41

TurquoiseDragon Mon 26-Oct-20 12:08:15
I thought the majority of women don't really want anal, it's just that porn is making it seem more mainstream.
..........
You're right about that. Women who do claim to enjoy it have to 'learn' to do so. It makes me think if I banged my head against a brick wall often enough I might learn to enjoy that.

movingonup20 · 26/10/2020 13:43

Ultimately it's your body so your choice. However is it worth speaking to a specialist therapist who can help you unpack why your sex drive is low and why you are not interested in certain things. Whether his requests are reasonable sort of depends on what they are, are they normal mainstream things or is he asking for practices that many of us would refuse? There is nothing to stop you saying no as I said, it's your right but there's 2 in a relationship so compromise and exploration is important

flaviaritt · 26/10/2020 13:46

movingonup20

She’s already indicated what he wants to do. And no, nobody needs therapy because they don’t want things stuck up their bum. It’s a preference thing.

GilbertMarkham · 26/10/2020 13:49

He won't leave because of it .... Probably because he knows everyone else does not, in fact, do it; and his chances of finding another woman who happily does anal (alongside any other general requirements/preferences of his for a partner) are nowhere near certain.

As for miserable ... Clearly he doesn't understand the meaning of misery.

If not being able to shove his penis into the shit outhole on a woman who doesn't want that or enjoy it .. causes him misery he is one sad )and disturbing) fkg case and needs to go and do some volunteer work among deprived people or something to get a sense of perspective back.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 26/10/2020 13:50

[quote Iwonder08]@newwayofthinking - OP clearly stated she felt this way before he started making these demands. She wanted to leave before. They are more like friends..
It doesn't sound like a healthy fulfilling relationship for either party[/quote]
No you're absolutely right, it's not. I'm in touch with some marriage counselors to see if things are fixable. I don't know what the issue is other than my feelings have changed. I don't know if it's possible to get them back but at least I can say I've tried. I'm not giving into any of his unreasonable demands, if I don't want sex so be it, we need to fix the wider issues rather than the smaller ones.

OP posts:
Mischance · 26/10/2020 13:52

However is it worth speaking to a specialist therapist who can help you unpack why your sex drive is low and why you are not interested in certain things. Whether his requests are reasonable sort of depends on what they are, are they normal mainstream things or is he asking for practices that many of us would refuse? There is nothing to stop you saying no as I said, it's your right but there's 2 in a relationship so compromise and exploration is important

This bit stands out for me: "are they normal mainstream things?" - one person's normal or mainstream is another's red line, and she is entitled to have her preferences - she does not need counselling to guide her in the direction of thinking that her preferences are not valid and represent some abnormality in her.

GilbertMarkham · 26/10/2020 13:52

They are more like friends.

Who needs a friend like him.

But yes, it sounds like op was turned off/lost feelings/got sick of him etc before this latest porn driven, selfish, coercive, creepy, manipulative behaviour from him.

Given this behaviour, it's not hard to imagine how op might have gone off him already. He's not exactly coming across as decent, kind, unselfish, well adjusted etc.

GilbertMarkham · 26/10/2020 13:54

I forgot childish, tantrummy and over dramatic.

newnameforthis123 · 26/10/2020 13:57

@movingonup20

Ultimately it's your body so your choice. However is it worth speaking to a specialist therapist who can help you unpack why your sex drive is low and why you are not interested in certain things. Whether his requests are reasonable sort of depends on what they are, are they normal mainstream things or is he asking for practices that many of us would refuse? There is nothing to stop you saying no as I said, it's your right but there's 2 in a relationship so compromise and exploration is important
He wants to do something she doesn't enjoy that hurts her physically.

He knows that she doesn't like it and that it hurts her physically.

He still wants to do it to her. To being the operative word as there's no 'with' in a coerced situation.

There is no compromise to be made on something unenjoyable and painful.

He wants to have sex with her in a way he knows upsets and physically hurts her. Why would you encourage someone to stay with someone like that?!

GilbertMarkham · 26/10/2020 13:58

... and why you are not interested in certain things

I'm not interested in having a penis forced through my anus, which is designed for the evacuation of faeces, has no g spot, no natural lubrication, is painful (or meh at the very best) and risks encountering shit.

Not am I overly keen on gargling ejaculate which tastes and smells pretty disgusting.

Do I need to go to a counsellor to explore why not too?

CorianderLord · 26/10/2020 14:02

@movingonup20 for goodness sake. She doesn't need a therapist to explore why she doesn't like anal or ejaculate in her mouth. They're not natural things she has a strange aversion to.

I don't like them either because cum tastes minging and anal doesn't give me much pleasure and is not hygienic. I'm not messed up because I don't like these things, I just don't.

If she was scared of or disliked normal, natural PIV sex then perhaps a therapist could be useful, but not in this situation.

Would you suggest a man go to a counsellor because he doesn't want his wife to shove something up his arse?

GilbertMarkham · 26/10/2020 14:06

Not saying this will happen op but I know of a couple, through a third party whom she had a relationship with after separation/divorce, where the "man" hassled her for anal sex. (He watched quite a lot of porn and would do so while she was dealing with their sons dinner/bedtime routine etc.).

He ended up essentially raping her anally when they went to a hotel to attend a wedding, had drunk quite a bit etc. He held her down.

She figured afterward that he chose when she wasn't sober as he thought she'd be more likely to go along with it, and being away from home/their boys so they wouldn't overhear any conflict at the time or after.

(She didn't leave him for various reasons were all familiar with for with men in situations like that; but he left her eventually for a barely legal young woman anyway).

As a precaution, I wouldn't be letting my guard down around him while you're deciding what to do.

GilbertMarkham · 26/10/2020 14:11

This dude is like so many selfish, entitled, porn sick men ... Their ideal partner is a realistic sex doll with three orifices who has no feelings, thoughts, preferences.

If they could get one to raise kids, do the house work, cook etc. .. they'd never have a relationship with a real person.

Newwayofthinking · 26/10/2020 14:13

Apologies, yes she did

Whatever way you look at it, the relationship is not good on either side.

I would cut losses and leave

Absolutelunacy · 26/10/2020 14:13

Are you married to my ex? He used to say things like that to me. Make out he was hard done by because “other women do it”

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 26/10/2020 14:19

Thanks everyone for the replies, they've been really helpful. I'm going to agree to some counselling sessions to assess the marriage as a whole. Sex stuff is another matter, I can't change that I don't want stuff so that's that. He accepts it or he leaves.

I'm going to try delete this thread now because it's quite identifiable.

OP posts: