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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sexual Stuff

197 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 26/10/2020 08:12

I've been in a relationship/married for a very long time and throughout have always refused to do certain sex things because we've tried them and I really don't enjoy doing them. He's really unhappy at the minute because I won't do them and says it's making his life miserable and I should want to do things to make him happy. I feel a bit uncomfortable with that kind of attitude but maybe I'm wrong because sometimes in life we do things for other people (watch a film you might not be keen on, visit friends or family when you would prefer to stay at home)

Should I just put up and shut up once in a while or is it ok for me to refuse to do certain things? My drive at the moment is through the floor which isn't helping and I have been having sex even when I don't want to just to keep the peace.

I'm in a really unhappy place at the moment and really not sure how I feel about everything so that's potentially clouding my view.

Help.

OP posts:
LittleTiger007 · 26/10/2020 09:03

When he says everyone does it ... this is patently wrong. He has been watching porn and has a warped view.
As people have said here, stand your ground. He is not being loving or caring in any way shape or form.
He should be thinking about how he can set about making you happy again, not simply thinking about himself. This in turn would benefit you both.
Good luck OP. Don’t be bullied into anything.

flaviaritt · 26/10/2020 09:06

KnightKnurse

Yup.

dottiedodah · 26/10/2020 09:07

I dont think you are being at all unreasonable .He sounds like he is "entitled" to use your body for his own pleasure .Newsflash! Its not the 50s any more, no one can make you do anything you dont feel happy/comfy about .I think the whole R/L will be difficult for you ,if he is being a sexual bully .Maybe make plans to leave him .I dont often say LTB on here ,but he will probably go on and on about it ,until you give in and then there will be something else and so on .

Ilovecheese53 · 26/10/2020 09:08

He should be lucky that your giving him a BJ in the first place. I would decline someone finishing in my mouth too it’s not for everyone.

How does he treat you sexually does he do the same for you?
Your husband sounds entitled!

yetanothernamitynamechange · 26/10/2020 09:08

He thinks you are on a power trip because you have the final say in what happens to your body and he sees that as unfair, because he thinks it should be his body.

Urghhhh.

Wnikat · 26/10/2020 09:09

You really don’t have to have anal sex to cheer your husband up. He has done something wrong but pressuring you like this. Sounds like you would both be happier apart.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2020 09:10

Bullshit is everyone doing it. He’s watched too much porn. I bluntly refused when requested by dh and it was never brought up again. Your husband otoh is trying to coercively control you as others have pointed out. I also think getting a big old strap on and saying you first is an excellent idea. I have read it’s very stimulating for males due to the location of the prostate. Maybe google this article www.health24.com/Sex/Great-sex/yes-theres-a-male-g-spot-and-here-are-4-things-you-can-do-to-find-it-20171219 and email it to him with a “think I’ll buy a strap on, you first. And then see his reaction as he squishes his bum cheeks together.

Livelovebehappy · 26/10/2020 09:10

Absolutely do not do anything you don’t like or feel uncomfortable with. Your posts sound like you’re not even happy in the marriage, and your sex drive being through the floor is probably just that the relationship is no longer working for you. Life is too short to be anxious and unhappy about someone putting demands on you. I would say lay everything on the table that you do not want to do the things he is bleating about, and if that’s an issue, suggest you have a trial break. If the sex stuff is more important to him that your feelings, then off he will go. And good riddance.

blindinglyobviouslight · 26/10/2020 09:12

Any person who actively wants their partner to let something be done to them sexually that they will hate, has lost sight of what sex in a loving relationship is about.
I could not enjoy anything my partner was doing 'for me' and hating. No decent human being would.

He has a cheek telling you you are on a power trip when he wants you to submit to him jacking off in you mouth and ass when you would hate that.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 26/10/2020 09:17

A decent man would not be able to enjoy doing anything with you (or to you) that he knows you are not enjoying.

Ellie56 · 26/10/2020 09:19

Eww what a nasty manipulative creep he is. I would feel just as revolted as you. YANBU. You absolutely do not have to do either of those things and you do not have to have sex "just to keep the peace" either.

Don't put up and shut up. Stand your ground and say, " No."

And maybe you should consider whether you want to stay with someone so vile who has no respect or consideration for you.

Ninkanink · 26/10/2020 09:20

He’s a horrible man with nasty, vile attitudes and absolutely no respect for you as a person.

You need to get away from him.

Chocaholic9 · 26/10/2020 09:21

Please don't do a sexual act you don't want to do. It's coercion and it will kill any sexual relationship you have left and make you hate your partner. He should know this, and the fact that he doesn't seem to, is a huge red flag.

Ninkanink · 26/10/2020 09:22

His googling for ‘evidence’ to try to demand that you do what ‘everyone else is doing’ (they’re NOT!) is so juvenile.

He’s not a decent man. He’s not good for you. Walk away.

Ninkanink · 26/10/2020 09:23

In fact, run.

iluvgab · 26/10/2020 09:25

Awful man.
I don't do either of those things either.
Him saying "everyone does it" is not true and just manipulation.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Meruem · 26/10/2020 09:26

Taking aside the fact that you shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to, as many pp’s have pointed out. Anal, when you don’t want it, is likely to be painful. Even people who do want it have to go slowly and carefully. So the comparisons like watching a film you don’t want to, just don’t apply. This is something else entirely.

One of the reasons I’ve stopped dating is that men nowadays do seem to expect these types of things, with the argument that “everyone else is doing it”. I do blame porn. At my age (50) I’ve met men who were married and it’s broken down and they want me to do all the things sexually that their ex wives wouldn’t! I refuse, I’m not there to fulfil their porn fantasies. So in your situation I’d be tempted to say “fine, if you’re miserable then leave and find someone else to do those things”. I bet he wouldn’t find it as easy as he thinks it would be.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 26/10/2020 09:27

You get to say no, you don't want to.

I find it strange that a man would get off on doing something he knows his partner does not want to be doing.

Have you actually googled it yourself? The anal sex bit? I think you may find the answer quite interesting and at odds with his "everyone" is doing it.

GilbertMarkham · 26/10/2020 09:27

Thing is you've actually tried these things - which is more than you needed to - and you don't enjoy them .. end of.

That's your right.

And you're not unusual.

I've tried anal a couple of times years ago and never done it since, and I seriously doubt that's going to change.

It felt like a burning dose of diarrhea most if the time.

Everyone does not do it.

Not only that but semen is like egg white and sea water mixed, and pretty fkg disgusting to smell, taste etc. If you don't want to swallow you don't.msby people don't - in fact some won't even do oral sex.

He's been watching too much porn, he's porn sick.

Suggest pegging him, tell.him everyone does it behind closed doors.

Does he do oral on you?
Ask him to do it after he's ejaculated in/on you - if he doesn't like it, ask him why you're supposed to.

SylvanianFrenemies · 26/10/2020 09:28

No wonder your desire for sex is gone. I would feel the same if I was being bullied and pestered for stuff I don't want.

QueSera · 26/10/2020 09:29

I know this sounds extreme OP, but I foresee the end of your relationship with this man, sooner or later. 'Everyone' is certainly not doing those things, only in porn, which I imagine what he's viewing/googling. And even if they were, you shouldn't be blackmailed into doing things you're not comfortable with.
He is being horrible. He has no respect for your boundaries. He is trying to emotionally blackmail and coerce you. That is obviously NOT how you treat the person you love. Unless he changes drastically, I can't see how you two can have a healthy relationship. Personally, I wouldn't be able to look him in the face, I'd be so hurt and furious at the lack of respect, I would never be able to let this man touch me again. Let him take his porn fantasies elsewhere.

Lillygolightly · 26/10/2020 09:30

Put it this way, let’s say you love salmon, he says he hates it. You tell him how good the salmon is, how much you love it and convince him to try it. He does try the salmon...tries it for you, and he still hates it. Would you then keep trying to make him eat salmon knowing it makes him miserable to eat it? Would you continue cooking salmon and then sulking every time he doesn’t want to eat it?? Would you think he should love salmon just because you do? Even if he hates it, would you insist he should eat it just because it makes you happy? That if he loved you he would eat the salmon?

I’m guessing your answer to the above is no. Salmon or sex, it’s the same! He is behaving terribly. You’ve humoured him more than enough by trying it in the first place. A good and loving partner would respect that, be appreciative of the fact that you tried it...for them, and then leave it at that! Not continually try to coerce and guilt you into continuing to do something that don’t like and makes you unhappy.

No wonder your so put off sex with him. I mean if you hated salmon and someone was continually trying to get you to eat it, it would completely ruin your appetite for food wouldn’t it!

I would suggest that if he can’t live without these sexual elements in your relationship that you are no longer compatible, and that you should split. Your always going to hate him pestering you and guilting you for not giving him these sexual favours, and he’s always going resent you for not giving them to him.

He’s an arse who is so selfish, he cares about himself and what he wants more than he cares about you or your boundaries.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 26/10/2020 09:30

This issue has literally only just cropped up in like the last 48 hours. I've always known he wanted me to do it but he's never told me it's making his life miserable before.

I think I'm making his life miserable because I'm so distant and have been for a while. Something has changed with the way I feel, it's been coming a long time but being in lockdown and then out again has kind of pushed it all to the forefront.

We don't have anything in common, we barely spend time together and if I'm honest we've always been a bit rocky. I get really grumpy with him at the slightest thing which isn't right. There have been many times I've almost left in the past but I've always chickened out. I'm scared of making such a huge decision but I think deep down it's the right one. It means I have to rely on benefits and he needs to agree to a set schedule to have the kids so I can work. He works set days and times so it shouldn't be too hard but it does mean he has to agree to it.

OP posts:
Yesyoudoknowme · 26/10/2020 09:33

@mightbealittlebitmad

He thinks I'm on a power trip saying no because I'm the only one who can provide the thing he wants. Everyone else apparantly does it so he says after doing some googling.

He's never been like this before, I can only assume he's feeling hurt because of me suggesting I might want to end our marriage and so he's lashing out.

So you suggested that you may want to end your marriage and to try and convince you not to he is trying to guilt trip you to do sexual acts that you don't want to do? Confused Well that'll work... Hmm
Poppyismyfavourite · 26/10/2020 09:33

There is a massive difference between occasionally doing something that you're indifferent to because your partner likes it (and you don't love it but don't dislike it) - THAT is like watching a boring film, and doing something you actively dislike because they force you to.