Sexual Stuff

[mightbealittlebitmad]

I've been in a relationship/married for a very long time and throughout have always refused to do certain sex things because we've tried them and I really don't enjoy doing them. He's really unhappy at the minute because I won't do them and says it's making his life miserable and I should want to do things to make him happy. I feel a bit uncomfortable with that kind of attitude but maybe I'm wrong because sometimes in life we do things for other people (watch a film you might not be keen on, visit friends or family when you would prefer to stay at home)

Should I just put up and shut up once in a while or is it ok for me to refuse to do certain things? My drive at the moment is through the floor which isn't helping and I have been having sex even when I don't want to just to keep the peace.

I'm in a really unhappy place at the moment and really not sure how I feel about everything so that's potentially clouding my view.

Help.

@mightbealittlebitmad

So I've told him how I feel and he's still kicking off about it. Basically things aren't exciting enough for him.

@mightbealittlebitmad

I knew a couple, they had one DC.

The chap came round once, threw a wad of notes onto the coffeetable and said ''I'd give that to a woman just so I could dip my wick''

I was taken aback, and said ''Does partner know about this??''

Turned out the lack of sex between them made him irritable, and her feel absolutely NOT like having sex.

It seems a very common problem.

But it shows how differently men think, compared to women.

What women would like to be pestered so a man can {Quote}

Dip his wick ????

Not romantic.

Madame Cyn {Cynthia Payne} in her book 'Personal Services' used to say men could be grumpy unless they were regularly 'Serviced' .

Stop talking to him about it. He’s shown you who he is.

Horrible, horrible man.

Do you have daughters? Do you want them to end up with a man like this? Do you have sons? Do you want them to treat women like this when they are men?

You can find a way to end it. It might be hard, it might seem impossible right now, but it isn’t.

Start by telling him that you are no longer in a relationship with him and you will no longer be sleeping with him.

Look for another job. If evenings and weekends aren’t going to be workable you will need to get yourself a different job. I appreciate that it will likely be difficult to find another job in the current climate, but if you don’t look you’ll never find one.

Start making plans, and taking whatever small, concrete steps you can take now. This will help you to feel stronger and more in control.

Wishing you strength and determination.

That's one of the problems with porn

It makes men think that it's acceptable to do anal. That all women do it and LOVE IT. That doesn't show real sex to me.

@mightbealittlebitmad I left an abusive ex a few years ago. (This included sexual abuse.)

I was able to get UC for renting, and slowly furnished with stuff given by family and friends, and through charities locally that sell low cost second hand furniture. I also scoured ebay and facebook freecycling pages locally, there is a lot going free, so your friend is right.

I've managed to get some great stuff without having to spend much. Only exception was a decent freezer, which I was able to buy new at a good price.

Is probably reply with also

Well my fantasy is a man taking it up the arse with a strap on

Then show him porn and say

Everyone's doing it!

Don't start having sex when you don't feel like it just because you think you should, because it completely changes what sex means to you.

What you need to do is address the issue, and think about why things might have been changed. No longer being attracted to your partner is just one possible reason but there are many others. Stress, tiredness, hormones - the pill killed my sex drive, which was ironic seeing as I went on it so that I could have sex freely with my long term partner.

You need to make it absolutely clear to him that when you say no, you mean no, and you won't be 'persuaded'.

When you're married to someone, and they stop wanting to have sex with you, it can feel personal. My partner doesn't want sex as much as he used to, and I'm convinced it's because I've put weight on and he doesn't fancy me anymore. He insists this isn't true. I'm not excusing his behaviour, as he shouldn't ever try to pressure you into it, but make sure he knows it's not his fault (assuming it's not). If he doesn't change the way he pressures you after this conversation, there is of course a big problem.

He's just totally turned into someone I never thought he was. He thinks a therapist might change my mind and get me wanting to do more exciting things.

Basically he's pissed off because I've been getting more fun than him. He was offering and seemed willing so I didn't say no. He's mentioned the lack of excitement in the past (wanting to do it in a car, outside, in public) but it's not something I've ever been keen on. In the past we might have had a bit of a fumble but we were young and childfree. I don't want to spend the rare childfree time we get having sex in a car or in the freezing cold but he obviously does and that's where the issue lies.

@LindaEllen

Don't start having sex when you don't feel like it just because you think you should, because it completely changes what sex means to you.

What you need to do is address the issue, and think about why things might have been changed. No longer being attracted to your partner is just one possible reason but there are many others. Stress, tiredness, hormones - the pill killed my sex drive, which was ironic seeing as I went on it so that I could have sex freely with my long term partner.

You need to make it absolutely clear to him that when you say no, you mean no, and you won't be 'persuaded'.

When you're married to someone, and they stop wanting to have sex with you, it can feel personal. My partner doesn't want sex as much as he used to, and I'm convinced it's because I've put weight on and he doesn't fancy me anymore. He insists this isn't true. I'm not excusing his behaviour, as he shouldn't ever try to pressure you into it, but make sure he knows it's not his fault (assuming it's not). If he doesn't change the way he pressures you after this conversation, there is of course a big problem.

My feelings have totally gone, I avoid any kind of touch even hugs. When I do it just doesn't feel right. I don't know why.

I thought the majority of women don't really want anal, it's just that porn is making it seem more mainstream.

And I recall a thread on here where a poster with knowledge of the portn industry said that anal scenes have a lot of prep before filming (eg liquid food for a couple of days) that means it is definitely not the spontaneous act it appears to be.

I, too, faced a lot of pressure from my ex for anal. He knew I hated it, and also used the "if you loved me" line to coerce me. By the time I left, I'd got to the point of dreading sex. I knew I was in for it if he brought the baby oil out his drawer. There were times I bled, but he'd just see that as an unavoidable side effect, and not worth bothering about. I sleep so much better now I don't have this to worry about.

He thinks a therapist might change my mind and get me wanting to do more exciting things.

A decent therapist should be telling him that no means no.

This is such a sad thread 😔

Your body your choice. If you have told husband you are thinking of ending relationship and he is urging you to do sexual things you don't like he clearly does not love you. If he loved you and wanted you to stay he would be cherishing you and making you feel.happy.

@TurquoiseDragon

I thought the majority of women don't really want anal, it's just that porn is making it seem more mainstream.

And I recall a thread on here where a poster with knowledge of the portn industry said that anal scenes have a lot of prep before filming (eg liquid food for a couple of days) that means it is definitely not the spontaneous act it appears to be.

I, too, faced a lot of pressure from my ex for anal. He knew I hated it, and also used the "if you loved me" line to coerce me. By the time I left, I'd got to the point of dreading sex. I knew I was in for it if he brought the baby oil out his drawer. There were times I bled, but he'd just see that as an unavoidable side effect, and not worth bothering about. I sleep so much better now I don't have this to worry about.

Horrible, horrible man.

I’m so glad you’re away from him.

He thinks a therapist might change my mind and get me wanting to do more exciting things.

This is so manipulative. He is basically telling you that there is something wrong with you that needs curing. I had a lifetime of this - please do not go there and do not fall for this. This is not a man who respects and cares for you in any meaningful way.

why would anyone want to have any sort of physical contact with someone they dislike is beyond me.
so, everyone is doing oral and anal are they ? and he knows this for a fact because a few idiots are discussing it online or has he done a full survey of the country? he needs a blow up doll and you need to get out of this miserable situation for your sake and that of the dc. they will know things aren't right between you.
a lot of women don't like oral let alone finishing in the mouth from what i hear and read. and anal can be painful and actually cause internal damage, i doubt many women are really into that, i'm certainly not.

@TurquoiseDragon

I thought the majority of women don't really want anal, it's just that porn is making it seem more mainstream.

And I recall a thread on here where a poster with knowledge of the portn industry said that anal scenes have a lot of prep before filming (eg liquid food for a couple of days) that means it is definitely not the spontaneous act it appears to be.

I, too, faced a lot of pressure from my ex for anal. He knew I hated it, and also used the "if you loved me" line to coerce me. By the time I left, I'd got to the point of dreading sex. I knew I was in for it if he brought the baby oil out his drawer. There were times I bled, but he'd just see that as an unavoidable side effect, and not worth bothering about. I sleep so much better now I don't have this to worry about.

god that is awful turq. just don't know what to say to that ? it's like semi consenting rape. just terrible.

i agree with the poster above who said that if it is anal he is suggesting, tell him that you insist he tries it first.

Then leave him. Anyone who doesn't respect your sexual boundaries and own comfort isn't worth staying with.

@romeolovedjulliet

It wasn't good, no. I am making sure DD is able to know her own mind and able to set whatever boundaries she wants. Also making sure DS understands consent issues, and that no means no. He's a good lad, at 16, so I think he already gets it. But I'll make sure. I don't want to inflict someone like his dad onto other women.

If I went to a therapist and they suggested I let people put things in my arse and ejaculate in my mouth in spite of the fact that I didn’t want to I would report that person to their professional body (if one existed) and suggest they got some help themselves.

Just wanted to post to add my support OP.

My ex-husband had something he always wanted to do (anal), which I didn't. Eventually I agreed to trying it, didn't like it. But it was always sort of "hanging in the air". Eventually I just totally shut down. Didn't want any physical contact really, stopped fancying him etc. Not just because of that, but looking back I think it was a factor. Part of other bad behaviour that also I didn't see at the time. It's sometimes hard to get perspective without a bit of distance.

I now have an amazing husband and I've learnt that you should want to do things together. It's not about doing things you don't like to keep them happy - if you don't like it, then he shouldn't want. you to do it. It shouldn't make him happy. Of course we might all try things we'er not sure about, just to see if we like it. But if we don't, we don't.

Now, like a pp said, I sleep better. I don't feel any pressure. There's no sulking because I don't want to do something I don't like.

In my case I think his interest also coincided with him watching more porn, and hanging out with a much younger (university age - him in his mid 30s) woman. And yes of course you can see where that's going.

Seeing a therapist doesn't make you like things you don't' like! It's maybe going to try to help him understand he shouldn't force things - and by forcing I include that subtle sulking and feeling you should do it, to keep him sweet, to make life easier etc.

Get a full time job for a start, op. Stop worrying about fitting in around his work. You will need paid childcare anyway, as he sounds like an arsehole who would make life difficult for you.

You can do it. Bide your time if that's easier. Find a new job, get a support network in place before you leave if that works better for you.

Stop having any sex that you don't want to. You do not have to be with this man at all and he does not have to agree to it. One person can end a relationship.

If you're not happy with certain things you shouldn't feel coerced into doing them. If he you loved you he wouldn't push.

Well my fantasy is a man taking it up the arse with a strap on

That is 100% how I would respond to any pressure for anal. If its good enough for me than its got enough for him. And some straight men are genuinely into it, so if he says no I can guilt trip him about being unadventurous and making me sad

He shouldn't be expecting you to do anything that you're not comfortable with.
But I'm guessing he is picking up on being unwanted by you and it has dented his pride. He's probably getting at wanting to try and spice things up a bit/get the spark back..but unfortunately most men associate that with filthy porn-style sex, whereas a woman will 'fantasise' about a long uninterrupted bath and a man cooking/tidying

It's not surprising you have come to resent him. Would you maybe try marriage counselling as a start? It may be something that you can overcome together. You said yourself your don't spend time together and it sounds like your working hours make you like passing ships.

I think the sexual issue is a totally separate issue..you need to feel loved and wanted and appreciated to want to feel sexual and aroused...whereas men seem to think that without sex, life is awful, but won't see how their lack of general compassion/emotional support can impact the womans 'want' of sex with them.

Good luck x

So I've told him how I feel and he's still kicking off about it. Basically things aren't exciting enough for him

You need to kick him out. He's a vile creepy rapey bastard. See if being divorced with his choice of sexual partners (nobody) is exciting enough for him! Twat.