Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family and money - help!

329 replies

notdawn · 24/10/2020 19:48

I will try and keep this as brief as possible - but really would like some candid advice.

Towards the end of last year my sister and her now ex husband wanted to put their house on the market. Before they did my husband offered them full asking of the agents valuation. In all honesty he probably slightly overpaid.

My husband is a property developer and even when they were together my husband made it clear that if they ever wanted to sell to give us first refusal. We own the house next door (we don't live there) and with the land there was always going be a fairly decent opportunity to develop.

Anyway as it was going through my sister started making comments about how much money we would be making from the deal. The truth is she had and has no idea how much money we will or wont make as she has no idea about building costs, planning costs, marketing costs etc - and I just put it down to her going through a divorce.

Anyway the build was on hold for a couple of months - but the flats where our houses once were will be going on the market Monday and she has been quite vocal about how much money we will make and how we couldn't have done it without her.

AIBU - I mean she wanted to sell her house and we gave her asking price?

We are very close, our kids are close, I am not sure why she is being like this. I suggested to my husband possibly a smallish payment once they are sold - but he is saying absolutely no way.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Cadent · 25/10/2020 19:31

[quote baller20]@Cadent have a kick up the ass 😘[/quote]
Are you 12?

As OP said, the example of your friend handing over an inherited house to her brother is completely irrelevant.

baller20 · 25/10/2020 19:32

Are you 11?

Original poster
notdawn · 25/10/2020 19:32

@Bluegrass

You say you know it’s not about money but the first thing you reach for in your response is the money.

I’m comfortably off. 150k is still a great deal of money to me, but it’s not life changing by any means. Would £150k mean anything at all to me when weighed up against my relationship with my sister? Nope. It’s a meaningless sum compared to that, just a few extra years of a mortgage.

Stop thinking about it.

I absolutely want to stop thinking about it.

Hopefully after today it’s the end of it.

OP posts:
Cadent · 25/10/2020 19:33

@baller20

Are you 11?
Run along now and let the adults talk. Shoo.
baller20 · 25/10/2020 19:33

🤣🤣

LindaEllen · 25/10/2020 19:33

@notdawn

Perhaps I am being harsh - but I don't think this is a case of mixing family and business. We aren't in business with her - when we brought the house it became ours.
But you bought (not brought!) HER house. Some people are just bitter about other people getting things. You're effectively making money from her house, and even though she's getting what she wanted for it, she'll be thinking it should have been her to get the extra money.

So it is definitely mixing business and family, but you did nothing wrong and she shouldn't really be bitter about it. If anything you did her a favour, as there's nothing to say she would have got what she was asking. She might otherwise have had to accept a lower offer.

ShebaShimmyShake · 25/10/2020 19:35

I wonder if your sister is picking up on your narrative of "I did her a favour, I gave her So Much Money, she has no reason to feel uncomfortable about the whole thing" and that's what's getting her back up? Especially since she knew you'd wanted the place for years.

The way people are going for OP here I can only surmise it’s jealousy.

There have been a ton of thoughtful and well-reasoned posts. You may not agree with them, but you can't seriously think there's no legitimate alternative viewpoint to OP's.

baller20 · 25/10/2020 19:37

Hard to say at this point.

But you must have a ballpark since you're in property development.

Original poster
notdawn · 25/10/2020 19:38

@baller20

Hard to say at this point.

But you must have a ballpark since you're in property development.

Yes we have a ball park.
OP posts:
baller20 · 25/10/2020 19:38

and it is...

ShebaShimmyShake · 25/10/2020 19:40

@Bluegrass

I’ve spent time time in court rooms with families who have torn themselves apart in litigation. If you asked them what it was about they would always tell you it was just about money, and all about what was “fair”.

The more time you spent with them though the more you realised it wasn’t about money at all. Money was just a symbol, a convenient thing to blame as it made everything seem objective.

The family disputes were really all about emotions - grievances, slights (perceived or otherwise). If the people involved could just ignore the money and actually listen to each other a lot of those disputes would have had a good chance of getting resolved, but they couldn’t do it - they usually dug in, and just talked about what was “fair” in their mind and who should get what sum.

To be honest I see you in those disputes OP. Don’t think about the money, listen to the emotion and the pain and focus on that. That’s assuming you want to keep your relationship with your sister - which I think you probably do.

Good luck with it all.

This is such a good post.
Cadent · 25/10/2020 19:41

@baller20

and it is...
...none of your business.
Original poster
notdawn · 25/10/2020 19:42

@baller20

and it is...
I would rather not say @baller20
OP posts:
baller20 · 25/10/2020 19:45

@Cadent 🥱

baller20 · 25/10/2020 19:48

@notdawn I do understand why you would rather not say but would you be honest with your sister as I think she will want to know. If the amount makes you uncomfortable than perhaps you don't feel entirely as comfortable with your actions as some of your posts suggest.

Cadent · 25/10/2020 19:49

@baller20 She’s already told her sister what she expects to make. RTFT.

Original poster
notdawn · 25/10/2020 19:52

[quote baller20]@notdawn I do understand why you would rather not say but would you be honest with your sister as I think she will want to know. If the amount makes you uncomfortable than perhaps you don't feel entirely as comfortable with your actions as some of your posts suggest. [/quote]
There were a few unforeseen costs.

I’ve been honest with my sister today about what we would like to make - and she was actually surprised by how low it is.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 25/10/2020 19:52

OP, throughout this entire discussion you've effectively dismissed your sister's feelings about her divorce (which for many people is on a par with bereavement) because All The Money. You say she was interested in going into business with you instead but never mentioned it. You say in your OP that you don't know why she might be upset. It did jump out at me a bit when you told me that her ex was very shrewd and leapt at your offer, the implication being she had nothing to complain about. But this was the guy she was divorcing! Did she feel aggrieved that you took his feelings as a reason for her not to complain?

Is there any chance that, for whatever reason, your sister has a history of feeling as though you don't listen or appreciate her feelings, and that she can't really talk to you?

I may be way off, of course, and I wouldn't expect you to answer that here. But it's just something that comes over a bit from how you're telling the story and it may be worth thinking about privately. I wonder if she might feel differently if she felt that you really, truly did appreciate the enormity of what she's been through - some divorces are really devastating - without thinking that the money somehow invalidates it.

CakeRequired · 25/10/2020 19:54

She's over reacting. She didn't have to sell to you, and honestly in her situation I wouldn't have. It would be just adding bad memories to something that's already shit, and as someone said you are profiting from her marriage failing. I wouldn't have wanted that, as selfish as that sounds.

She should have said no and sold it to someone outwith the family. No hard feelings then. She knew your plans for it. Her own problem now, not yours. Don't give her a cut.

baller20 · 25/10/2020 19:55

@Cadent this is not your thread, my posts are directed to the OP & I'm still reading through, obviously I missed that bit.

Either way I certainly don't care what you think & the OP can ignore me if she likes. Why don't you take some of your own advice & find some of those adults you were talking about?

baller20 · 25/10/2020 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RandomMess · 25/10/2020 19:58

As I suspected your sister has/had no idea how little actual profit there is to be made!

As you said her ex-DH was shrewd and he would have known if they weren't getting a good deal on selling the family house!

baller20 · 25/10/2020 20:00

@notdawn did that change her opinion in any way? My friend is divorcing & is having to sell the family home & she is massively struggling with it. I do think the situation wouldn't be as contentious if it was a "happy" move.

Cadent · 25/10/2020 20:03

@ShebaShimmyShake

OP, throughout this entire discussion you've effectively dismissed your sister's feelings about her divorce (which for many people is on a par with bereavement) because All The Money. You say she was interested in going into business with you instead but never mentioned it. You say in your OP that you don't know why she might be upset. It did jump out at me a bit when you told me that her ex was very shrewd and leapt at your offer, the implication being she had nothing to complain about. But this was the guy she was divorcing! Did she feel aggrieved that you took his feelings as a reason for her not to complain?

Is there any chance that, for whatever reason, your sister has a history of feeling as though you don't listen or appreciate her feelings, and that she can't really talk to you?

I may be way off, of course, and I wouldn't expect you to answer that here. But it's just something that comes over a bit from how you're telling the story and it may be worth thinking about privately. I wonder if she might feel differently if she felt that you really, truly did appreciate the enormity of what she's been through - some divorces are really devastating - without thinking that the money somehow invalidates it.

Firstly, OP owns already the house next door, if you’re selling your house it would be a really shitty thing not to offer your sister who’s husband is a property developer and next door neighbour first refusal. Why are you assuming the sister has no agency and couldn’t have told her ex that actually she doesn’t want to sell the house to her sister?

OP is not responsible for her sister’s divorce!

baller20 · 25/10/2020 20:06

@notdawn just saw your update post after the chat. Maybe she wanted you to offer re the development, hopefully time will heal but I do think you need to let go of the "doing her a favour" view.

Swipe left for the next trending thread