Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

Should read 'without quarantine requirements'

That's really a stunning piece of writing. I'm amazed at the total lack of empathy or self-awareness. They are matched only by your utter fucking smugness.

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet - please can I spend Christmas with you?

@Cadent

I wouldn’t want to give presents to anyone this selfish. OP getting presents for 7 people when she is just one person is very unfair anyway.

I am single and have no DC and have heaps of nieces and nephews, I get around buying hundreds of quids worth of presents by buying a box of sweets, box of biscuits and a Christmas ornament for every household, no individual gifts. It came to this after almost five years of moaning, demanding certain pricey presents, and no Christmas card from any of the parents and no thanks for any of it.

@Veniceloverenic have you read the OP's posts. She actively doesnt want to spend Christmas with her brother and his family. So if she sees her parents then the last thing she wants is for "the rest of the family to join them".

OP I'm still not understanding why your parents cant split the Christmas period between you and your brother and family?

@DinosaurGrrrrr

You sound like my brother and sister in law, they couldn't have kids and took 2 years to get over the fact we have them (they refused to actually see them for a time, it was "too hard"). I think you need to sort your issues rather than spoil others Christmas. If it was my parents they'd prefer a Christmas with our children over a Christmas with my brother and his wife, as much as my brother is golden child they love Christmas with our kids. My brother has Xmas dinner with his wife and comes over in the evening and we all spend the evening together. They accept our kids now though and have finally embraced their Aunty and uncle role. It hurt a lot to be on the receiving end of their selfish behaviour though, we just pretend it didn't happen now.

Your nieces and nephews will grow up a lot in the space of 2 Christmases, it's 3 years in real time since your parents will have spent Christmas with their grandchildren, I think you need to compromise, either join them and stay in a hotel or go somewhere else. Children don't stay small forever, each Christmas when they are small and believe is precious.

Wow, just wow.

That’s a good compromise @Dontbeme! This unshakeable belief that you have to get presents for every child even when the parents are being awful is harmful.

@Sodamncold

Why haven’t you thought of these options OP?! It was hardly a genius suggestion on my part!

Read the last paragraph of my OP!

When does your sister Ever get to see your parents at Christmas?

Christmas is mostly for the kids. I can see why he's pushing for his grandkids to see their grandparents and to continue as normal.

I think you can ask him but he doesn't have to. The arrangement is quite bizarre and probably should have been fixed before. Unless you can't be in the same room, why would you choose to be on your own every odd year?

@Frdd

When does your sister Ever get to see your parents at Christmas?

Every year. But they live close enough not to have to stay over.

@DinosaurGrrrrr

You sound like my brother and sister in law, they couldn't have kids and took 2 years to get over the fact we have them (they refused to actually see them for a time, it was "too hard"). I think you need to sort your issues rather than spoil others Christmas. If it was my parents they'd prefer a Christmas with our children over a Christmas with my brother and his wife, as much as my brother is golden child they love Christmas with our kids. My brother has Xmas dinner with his wife and comes over in the evening and we all spend the evening together. They accept our kids now though and have finally embraced their Aunty and uncle role. It hurt a lot to be on the receiving end of their selfish behaviour though, we just pretend it didn't happen now.

Your nieces and nephews will grow up a lot in the space of 2 Christmases, it's 3 years in real time since your parents will have spent Christmas with their grandchildren, I think you need to compromise, either join them and stay in a hotel or go somewhere else. Children don't stay small forever, each Christmas when they are small and believe is precious.

WOW. You are just one giant ball of empathy, aren’t you?

Your poor DB and SIL. And the awful thing is, you have no idea just how monstrous you sound.

The kids might really like having a Christmas at home. Travelling every Christmas up to now might mean a Christmas at home would feel like real treat.

So why can’t you stay with her and go back and forward with her?

I honestly think you’re being a bit unfair to your brother. You don’t like him and your sil having kids but that’s not something they’ve done to get at you.

You have options. You’re choosing to not take them. Which is absolutely your choice. But I don’t think it’s fair to change the whole family routine for Christmas when you don’t have to be on your en. You have options and could stay with your sis.

This is really tricky. You have a few options but none appeal to you.

Quite a lot of posters have suggested your parents are out of order by “leaving” you alone every other Christmas. In reality, I imagine they would welcome you for the day even if you stayed in a hotel but you aren’t able to do this. They can’t miss out on their grandchildren every Christmas so the arrangement makes sense. You have expressed a preference to be alone other than around children.

If you’re going to be alone anyway, it might be worth trying the hotel thing and just going for the meal? It might not be as hideous as you imagine.

Otherwise I think you need to go for the week prior or week after and have new year etc so that you can at least feel a bit festive and not spend the whole time alone.

Personally I would not be breaching the rule of 6 but I’m not one to judge others.

Op I'd throw a spanner in the works and invite your parents to you.

This has been a horrible year. Time to make changes.

@Sodamncold

Why haven’t you thought of these options OP?! It was hardly a genius suggestion on my part!

I'm projecting massively here, but in a family where communication is routed through a parent, it can take a huge effort to change that. It can sometimes be discouraged, either directly or otherwise, and if that is the dynamic you have grown up with, it isn't always easy to see another way.

OK so going by your last paragraph in your OP:

... whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

YABU. i don't think he's being mean, it's his turn to be at your parents and you don't have to be alone because you have a sister you can stay with instead. (whom you didn't mention at all ).

Stay with your sister

I remember when I lost my baby at birth. My sis in law had her son a few days later and my brother had a son 6 months later. It was very hard for me to be around him, but I didn't have a choice, and i tried to not let it cloud my feelings too. To this day I see my nephew and think what my son would be doing, same age etc but unless my sil did something vindictive/was out of order with a comment I wouldn't choose not to be part of their lives on special occasions.

With my brother, he did not give one iota. He revealed his gender reveal of having a son a day after I lost mine. Didn't even ask if I was okay, and would get pissed off with my mum, saying things like "wow I can't even talk about my second child coming because I have to be considerate of onlie) " so for these reasons I feel like you I don't see him, I don't wanna even be around his children or his wife.
Our situations are not the same, I know.

But I don't know how your brother and sis in law have been with you regarding your infertility so that's why I don't know if I should recommend you to work on your emotions or if it's justified

Ok that made no sense, but I hope you kinda get I'm sort of agreeing with you

I was with you until this comment.
If not spending Christmas alone is not worth sleeping on an air mattress or sofa then it is also not worth you brother giving away his Christmas with his parents.

Argh, quote fail. It was in response to the OP saying sleeping there with DB’s family would be «too chaotic»

But the op doesn’t need to sleep on a sofa. She can stay with her sister.

Gosh I can’t believe anyone is saying anything other than of course he should let you go this year and skip his ‘turn’! Having been the single sibling in the past I know Christmas can be such a hard time as it is. There’s no way you should go away alone having been in solitude for months, really bad for your mental health and general wellbeing. I would just insist I was going this year and he will have to get over it. What must his wife be thinking as well? Awful. Also, if he has five kids surely he can arrange his own Christmas Day in his house with dinner etc!

Arranging Christmas this year is going to be a logistic nightmare of diplomacy for most families - if we are allowed to have guests that is. Or we don't just ignore the rules & miscount -like most of the population is thinking of doing (probably including many police families)
Op how ever lonely you feel Tv is great at this time of year & zoom does help - may I suggest that you go over at New Year (if this hasn't been mentioned)

We have decided that if we can't do Christmas in December we are going Australian & having a BBQ in Summer & doing presents than (as well as a few at Christmas! & zooming)
Please don't get angry it will just upset you & unlike you with lovely parents I had to deal with real diplomacy & difficult with my dm about Christmas it made me sad about her missing out on the happy times with dc. I use to invite an elderly neighbour round for Boxing Day - she loved it & so did the dc it became a Christmas Tradition. Life is too short to make yourself unhappy.