Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

You sound like my brother and sister in law, they couldn't have kids and took 2 years to get over the fact we have them (they refused to actually see them for a time, it was "too hard"). I think you need to sort your issues rather than spoil others Christmas. If it was my parents they'd prefer a Christmas with our children over a Christmas with my brother and his wife, as much as my brother is golden child they love Christmas with our kids. My brother has Xmas dinner with his wife and comes over in the evening and we all spend the evening together. They accept our kids now though and have finally embraced their Aunty and uncle role. It hurt a lot to be on the receiving end of their selfish behaviour though, we just pretend it didn't happen now.

Your nieces and nephews will grow up a lot in the space of 2 Christmases, it's 3 years in real time since your parents will have spent Christmas with their grandchildren, I think you need to compromise, either join them and stay in a hotel or go somewhere else. Children don't stay small forever, each Christmas when they are small and believe is precious.

I’m not comparing infertility. I’m comparing the sounding of the day on your own.

I don't think it is him lobbying for you to be on your own at christmas. I think it is him lobbying for his kids to have their grandparents with them at christmas. Tbh I think you are making it sound more malicious that it actually is.

That's fair - and helpful.

*spending

You need to recognise that there are imperfect solutions but that you don’t want to do them.

That’s ok but you do need to appreciate that you are making those choices

They accept our kids now though and have finally embraced their Aunty and uncle role. It hurt a lot to be on the receiving end of their selfish behaviour though, we just pretend it didn't happen now.

Yes because it’s all about you isn’t it? It’s not your BIL and SIL that were selfish IMO.

@1FootInTheRave

I'd be interested to read the opposing aibu from your brother or sil tbh.

Yabu imo.

They would say it's their turn, their children haven't seen their grandparents for a long time and that they are not stopping me from coming and staying in a hotel nearby. I haven't hidden any of that.

IMO any usual arrangements, turn taking etc. should be put aside to take the fact that you are single into account.

My family, parents, step parents, in-laws and ex partners family have all agreed without a murmur to forget any of our usual arrangements to allow for the fact that out of all of us only my dad is single and living alone.

So it's will be DH, DS, myself and my dad very socially distanced on Christmas Day (if we remain in tier 1).

Under normal circumstances I would never choose to see my dad over other family members. But he's alone and as such his needs Trump everyone else's.

No one needed an explanation about this.

Your family should be doing the same. Anything else is a clear indication that are selfish and don't care about you.

Well, I would never leave one of my DC to have Christmas on their own.

But...what about your sister? When do you see her? When does she see your parents or your brother?

Your family seems to have quite an odd dynamic. (mine does too, I recognise it!). Does all communication usually go through your mum?

I'm sorry you are getting such a hard time. I suspect that your mum will refuse to "get involved" and this will mean by default that your brother will get what he wants. So you need to prepare for that. I think it's the wrong outcome, but I think it's also the most likely one.

Is it possible that you could form a support bubble with someone who is also going to be alone and lonely? Perhaps an elderly person, but anyone really. I'm sure there must be groups who can put people in touch- probably the same groups who would normally be organising Christmas events/lunches for people on their own. (I would ask my priest if he knew anyone, but obviously not everyone has/wants one of those!).

I don't think you are being selfish (on here I suspect there are a lot of mothers who behave atrociously and use their children as an excuse, so they will bay for your blood at the merest hint of anything other than "It's all about the kiddywinks"). Your brother has other options and none of them involve him spending the day alone, thinking about a future without children. (sorry, I'm not helping with the cheering-up, am I?)

It sounds to me that his family should visit a weekend close Xmas and do a lovely fake Xmas than so you're not alone on Xmas day. I'm so sorry you're in this situations.

So you have a sister?
With one child.
With whom you ate closer enough to go away in abroad holiday last year.

Why not stay with her?

@Cadent

They accept our kids now though and have finally embraced their Aunty and uncle role. It hurt a lot to be on the receiving end of their selfish behaviour though, we just pretend it didn't happen now.

Yes because it’s all about you isn’t it? It’s not your BIL and SIL that were selfish IMO.

Quite. So rather than dealing with the pain of infertility, the brother and SIL were simply being "selfish". Nice.

Christmas is for everyone

But really it is all about the children isn’t it, the magic, the traditions, the joy on their little faces on Christmas morning! OP doesn’t want to be around that, which is fair enough, but why should her parents miss out? OP as your now dating a man with children I would maybe consider some therapy as going forward your issues with children could be problematic for that relationship.

@Dishwashersaurous

You need to recognise that there are imperfect solutions but that you don’t want to do them.

That’s ok but you do need to appreciate that you are making those choices

Yes, but it is a little bit of a Morton's fork.

Siblings can be selfish, moody and utterly self absorbed when it comes to their siblings.

It’s the parents that need to stand firm.

Your parents need to assert themselves

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet

Your family seems to have quite an odd dynamic. (mine does too, I recognise it!). Does all communication usually go through your mum?

I'm sorry you are getting such a hard time. I suspect that your mum will refuse to "get involved" and this will mean by default that your brother will get what he wants. So you need to prepare for that. I think it's the wrong outcome, but I think it's also the most likely one.

Is it possible that you could form a support bubble with someone who is also going to be alone and lonely? Perhaps an elderly person, but anyone really. I'm sure there must be groups who can put people in touch- probably the same groups who would normally be organising Christmas events/lunches for people on their own. (I would ask my priest if he knew anyone, but obviously not everyone has/wants one of those!).

I don't think you are being selfish (on here I suspect there are a lot of mothers who behave atrociously and use their children as an excuse, so they will bay for your blood at the merest hint of anything other than "It's all about the kiddywinks"). Your brother has other options and none of them involve him spending the day alone, thinking about a future without children. (sorry, I'm not helping with the cheering-up, am I?)

Yes, a lot of communication does go through my mum!

It may be possible to form a support bubble - I'm just nervous of rejection.

And your last para is helpful - thanks.

@DinosaurGrrrrr

You sound like my brother and sister in law, they couldn't have kids and took 2 years to get over the fact we have them (they refused to actually see them for a time, it was "too hard"). I think you need to sort your issues rather than spoil others Christmas. If it was my parents they'd prefer a Christmas with our children over a Christmas with my brother and his wife, as much as my brother is golden child they love Christmas with our kids. My brother has Xmas dinner with his wife and comes over in the evening and we all spend the evening together. They accept our kids now though and have finally embraced their Aunty and uncle role. It hurt a lot to be on the receiving end of their selfish behaviour though, we just pretend it didn't happen now.

Your nieces and nephews will grow up a lot in the space of 2 Christmases, it's 3 years in real time since your parents will have spent Christmas with their grandchildren, I think you need to compromise, either join them and stay in a hotel or go somewhere else. Children don't stay small forever, each Christmas when they are small and believe is precious.

That's really a stunning piece of writing. I'm amazed at the total lack of empathy or self-awareness. They are matched only by your utter fucking smugness.

(And I am not childless, just able to see pain other than my own, and respond to it)

Exactly how long is the family Christmas get together? Why can't you visit just before/after/NYE and avoid your DB? I know that still possibly leaves you on your own on the actual day (if nothing works out with friends) but it could be OK. Do you normally go away on holiday abroad every other year? Are there UK places offering something you'd consider?

Fact is 2020 is a sod and many people will have a 'different' Christmas this year. Start planning for the best alternative you can create.

@Sodamncold

So you have a sister? With one child. With whom you ate closer enough to go away in abroad holiday last year.

Why not stay with her?

That is a possibility. That relationship is easier, and I like my BIL.

OP, without wishing to cause offence, I imagine that your brother is either simply unaware of the depth of your issues with his kids or focussed on his kids seeing their grandparents as intended at Christmas. I can't think that at the bottom of it all is the intent that you should be alone at Christmas.

Does he know exactly why you don't go on 'his' year?

Hard though it must be, it really is your issue not his.

I imagine your parents would like nothing more than all the family to be together.

In your shoes, I would book a hotel, organise taxis and spend Christmas with your mum and dad. If the rest of the family can come too, great, that is their decision.

I think you are looking at this from a blinkered poor me single adult pov, and playing the martyr a little.

I feel for your mother as I could never have any of my kids left alone at Christmas.

If you really can't do what I have suggested, do what you usually would and go away. The Canaries have just reopened with quarantine requirments, so get some winter sun.

Why haven’t you thought of these options OP?! It was hardly a genius suggestion on my part!

As I understand this, it is your brother's 'turn' to have your parents. You aren't going to be there mainly because you are struggling to come to terms with your infertility. Not because your brother specifically wishes to exclude you.

I'm not criticizing your struggle or your way of handling it. Infertility can be devastating and it is your decision to handle as you see fit. But it's not up to other people to change their lives because of it.

It's not unreasonable for you to not go, that's your own decision to make. But it IS unreasonable to expect your brother to give up his 'turn', Covid or no Covid, because of the decision you have made not to be around his children at Xmas.

Would it be possible to do a hotel/Airbnb and give it a try knowing you could decamp to your own space if you need to? Or skip the morning present opening and just go for dinner?

Since it is your choice not to attend on his alternating years, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want to keep to his schedule.

As for accommodations, you should either be switching off who stays in a hotel or since it is simpler for you to be at the hotel, he should be helping to pay for it or even paying the entire bill since it’s much cheaper to find you lodging than it would be for him.

they are not stopping me from coming and staying in a hotel nearby.

Hotel for OP seems like a good compromise solution.