Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

I do understand why you might not want to be there with your brother and his children but there are options where everyone could be accommodated to some extent but you say you wouldn't be happy with any of them; don't go for Christmas Day go another time, go and stay on an air bed/sofa, get a hotel/air bnb, stay with your sister and visit during the day. These are all options that would mean everyone got to see your parents at Christmas, but you don't find any of them suitable, so it boils down to two options you either stay away or accept there might be aspects you're not entirely comfortable with.

I’m sorry @UnaCorda. I’m trying to think from your dB’s POV but I can’t see it really. We are the ones with kids in our family and we’ve already been trying to work out how we can ensure no one spends Christmas alone. I wouldn’t want that. Perhaps though, because you very frequently already spend Christmas alone voluntarily he doesn’t think you mind that much or are U for invoking it now when before it was fine. I can see this year is different to other years but I imagine that’s his thought process.

I don't think your brother is saying you can't visit your parents at Christmas too - maybe staying with your sister- so I am not sure he is the source of the problem. I do feel for you, op but you do seem very rigid in your thinking and what you want, presumably your nieces / nephew would like to see their cousin at Christmas and grandparents.

Oh I’ve just read you have a sister! Why the flip aren’t you staying with her?

This makes me so sad. Why can’t you go away next year and you restart the swaps as the world hopefully opens again? He seems so thoughtless. I hope your parents back you up on this one.

We don’t live in the U.K., but would happily host people in this situation. Hopefully people will start thinking about those alone at Christmas soon and people can - safely - form support bubbles that give you inclusion over the holidays.

It isn't your brothers fault that you are single and he has a family. If it's his turn then it's his turn. Just because he has a wife doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend the time with his parents and the children with their grandparents.
Your threatening to not buy them gifts doesn't show you as a reasonable adult asking for reasonable arrangements, neither does your labelling the situation as him making moves to make sure you spend Christmas alone when all he is doing is going to his parents on the year that it is his turn.

@UnaCorda

Wow you sound like amazing hard work! Extremely self involved. I would be interested to hear your brothers side. Op life isn’t perfect you have to compromise that’s being a considerate adult!!

Well if he is a family of 7 your parents can’t go anyway as it breaks rule if 6

So tell him that and you go to your parents

I think this is one of those situations where neither you or you brother is being unreasonable.

He is not unreasonable to want to pretend that things are "normal" for the day.

You are not unreasonable to rather not see nieces/nephews on that day.

The only way that you and your brother can spend the 25th with your parents is if you compromise - getting a hotel or sleeping on the sofa, arriving about lunchtime when gifts are over etc If you can't bear it (which is understandable) then I think you need to celebrate Xmas with your parents on another day.

Am I missing something ? You can only have 6 people ? Is there exceptions or something ?

Its against the rule of 6 so he cannot mix his family and your parents

He's a k**b

Tbh I wouldn’t even think about Christmas yet, there’s absolutely no point.

We don’t know how things are going to be by then and what the rules will be, so no point worrying about it. The chances are we will not be able to meet in large numbers anyway.

Look at it the other way. If it was your turn, how would you feel if your brother wanted to go instead? It would be rude of your parents in that instance to uninvite you....so likewise it’s rude of them now to uninvite him.

The chances are he won’t be able to go anyway, so you may be able to.

@Jojoanna

Am I missing something ? You can only have 6 people ? Is there exceptions or something ?

In Scotland and Wales young children don't count.

YANBU. He sounds awful, if I'm honest.

I would never allow a sibling of mine to be on their own at Christmas. He should be making sure you are sorted out first - your parents second - him last.

He is really selfish.

But the op can go to her sister? She’s choosing to be on her own?

I'd buy gifts for the kids, nothing for him and plan a super Christmas Day for myself on my own. Next year don't entertain anything he says. Stop pretending all is fine with him just for Christmas.

Maybe the children are looking forward to Christmas with granny but I am sure they can understand kindness to auntie who would otherwise be alone. And if they can't understand it it is time they were taught compassion.

I actually don't think he is being mean spirited. He obviously feels the same love towards his parents that you do and maybe his children also really love nana and grandad.
He is probably looking forward to celebrating Christmas with them with his children and is glad it's his turn.
It sucks that means you can't go.
I would honestly consider bringing a sleeping bag and bunking in with the 2 kids or on the sofa.

I think you need to compromise here. Maybe by a hotel room, or visiting just before or after christmas. It's awful for everyone - it's tough to be on your own but also tough to have kids and not be able to let them see their grandparents.

To be fair, it is your choice to avoid spending the day with your neices and nephews. Yes it's a choice caused by a painful history. But your brother didn't cause this. I also have issues with one of my family and so usually spend christmas away - but I just take myself out the equation, I wouldn't ask anyone else to miss out because of my own decisions.

Beyond that, you sound very lonely. Tier 2 is grim but you can still see people outside. In your position I'd pull out all the stops to build more of a social life. It's far far harder than usual, but not impossible. In our area there are still outdoor classes where you can meet people. And I've had success with the bumble friends app.

Why can’t you stay with your sister

OP do you have friends\coworkers\neighbours in the same situation as you, living far from family and not able to travel home this Christmas? If so could you host (within guidelines) them at your home, it may make you feel better to take control of your own situation rather than waiting for invitations from others that may not come for whatever reason.

For god's sake, why can't he have Christmas with his own family?

Wow, what an arse. I understand what people are saying about him probably thinking about his kids being disappointed but I don't think that's a good enough counter argument tbh. The children will be surrounded by their family of 7, they may be disappointed but they will be fine. It is far more cruel to leave OP on her own this year, given the affect solitude has had on the mental health of those living alone. If he cannot concede that then he is not a nice person.

@UnaCorda

That's really a stunning piece of writing. I'm amazed at the total lack of empathy or self-awareness. They are matched only by your utter fucking smugness.

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet - please can I spend Christmas with you?

I live in one of the remoter parts of the Outer Hebrides, but if I didn't, I would invite you in a heartbeat.

I hope you find a way through this that brings you comfort and pleasure. I suspect that you will ,now that you have broken the mindset of things being a straight choice between one of two things, because that's how it always has been.