Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

Could you ‘move in’ with your parents temporarily? As long before Christmas as you can manage make an extended visit and claim a room? Then your parents can say “oh sorry, UnaCorda has been lonely and is actually living with us at the moment and will still be here at Christmas.” Then if your brother wants to cram his children into the remaining spare room that is his shout? Or why not ask one of your parents to suggest that he host Christmas at his own house this year, stipulating that it is all or nothing and he has to invite you as well.

If I was you I’d go at new year.

I can see both sides. I do year about seeing my kids coz I’m divorced so I’m on my own on Christmas Day every other year. It’s only a day.

Ah OP hadn't read your later updates spending it all together might not be what you're wanting either. There must be some better options for Christmas though, if you normally go away can you spend that money on a nice hotel? (Yes I realise it might be cancelled, but we don't know!)

@PersonaNonGarter

Sorry, I think YABU here. If the DGC are excited about the trip and it has been promised to them all year then I can see why they are sticking to their turn.

I think it would help if you stopped seeing this your brother ‘lobbying for you to be on your own’ and just recognising that he is taking his turn with his family.

YANBU OP. Your brother is being a shit.

And those DGC need to realise Christmas isn't all about them and their excitement. Christmas is for everyone.

@Frdd your situation is very different to OP’s

It’s not really that different.

I’m on my own. I have nowhere to go. In some ways it’s worse. The op could go to her Laurent’s she is choosing not to.

@Ponoka7

After your updates, I also think that it's you who is being selfish. I can understand your Brother's pov. You are making your Parents choose between their children and one choice means rejecting their grandchildren on top.

Your Brother is standing up for his children wanting to see the grandparents. Children have had a shit year as well.

Are you going to completely reject your new boyfriend's children? Or is it just your Brother's that you struggle with? Have you had friends/partners with children? I could actually see why your Brother and SIL are hurt by this.

I don't even know whether I will meet my boyfriend's children - it's not even at the stage where I would consider him a boyfriend.

I don't suppose for one moment my brother or SIL are hurt.

parents

I can understand why you are upset as you have been on your own while he has had his family around him.

But;

I don't think it is him lobbying for you to be on your own at christmas. I think it is him lobbying for his kids to have their grandparents with them at christmas. Tbh I think you are making it sound more malicious that it actually is.

@Dishwashersaurous

Maybe your brother is just thinking that you would come too, as you cannot go away.

Does he explicitly know that you won’t go if he is there?

Yes, he does.

I'd be interested to read the opposing aibu from your brother or sil tbh.

Yabu imo.

@HesterShaw1 - And those DGC need to realise Christmas isn't all about them and their excitement. Christmas is for everyone.

But the problem here is that the op doesn't want to make Christmas for everyone. She doesn't want to go if her brother and his family are there. That's a pretty horrible message to send the children.

@Sodamncold

I’m baffled by the five children

In 2019 you started a thread about hiring a villa for you parents, your brother/SIL and their child (your niece, aged 8).

So genuinely curious where 4 others have popped up from!

Ok, DI Sodamncold...

I fudged the details as I have mentioned this situation to a few people irl. My brother has four children, and the villa arrangement was actually with my sister and BIL.

Is the issue specifically with your brother's family or do you avoid Christmas with other people's children too?

@UnaCorda
Does he explicitly know that you won’t go if he is there?

Yes, he does.

That must be pretty hurtful for him.

considering it’s you who is choosing not to be there on Xmas day because of the kids I don’t think you can complain.
Your situation regarding being infertile is really sad and I sympathise but I don’t think your brother should have to change all his plans when you could join them if you wanted.

FWIW I did all of the initial lockdown on my own with Only one of my DC. I didn’t see the others at all for months, I haven’t seen my eldest son since last Christmas and probably I won’t see him or my youngest this year at Christmas. And it is shit. Regardless of how many other people there are or aren’t we take turns and to start to upset that arrangement has implications to others.

I dont think this is about turns I think the op is upset that her brother has children and she doesn’t and she finds Christmas with them difficult and therefore chooses to absent herself.

But does he know WHY you won’t go? That you find it emotionally too difficult.

Or does he just think that it’s practical things to do with beds?

Or does he think that you don’t want to be there but not know why?

Why can’t you go to your sister & bil?

Ok if you have a sister then who does she spend Christmas with? Why don’t you spend Christmas with her?

So where does your sister spend Christmas?

You've said a blow up bed on the floor or sleeping on the sofa isn't possible. (Why?)

I simply couldn't cope with being in that environment (all those people) without any space I could call my own. I realise this is a "choice" (i.e. my own neurosis) and not my brother's fault, but it would be a recipe for almost inevitable arguments and not worth the risk.

When you are talking about christmas, are you talking about Christmas Day and maybe Boxing Day or also the whole weekend etc....

I wouod spend Christmas Eve with your parents, have a good time with them. Leave the ‘space’ for brother and family for a couple of days and then spend the rest of the time with your parents.
I suspect he wants to keep the every other year because he won’t be able to go to PIL instead. And that means spending Christmas ‘ on their own’ and he doesn’t want that. (I’m thinking there no one else to do the cooking, the cleaning of the house etc... that you never do in the same way when you are at someone else house)

@Frdd

It’s not really that different.

I’m on my own. I have nowhere to go. In some ways it’s worse. The op could go to her Laurent’s she is choosing not to.

Having children and sharing them with your ex is very different to the pain of infertility. Please don’t compare the two.

Can’t you wait to see what the rules are in December, rather than fretting for two months?