Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

@Dishwashersaurous

So you don’t like your brother, you definitely don’t like his wife. And you don’t want to spend Christmas Day with them.

That’s your perfectly valid choice but you cannot simultaneously pretend that you are being excluded when it’s your choice.

Yep. That sums up the situation.

She's welcome to go. She doesn't want to. She wants the other nine people (more, if you include SIL's family) to change their Christmas plans to accommodate her choice.

Hi OP this sounds like a tough one. Can I ask does Xmas induce these feelings more than normal? I have a single friend that used to hide away each Xmas (she did have choice of spending it with parents/sisters/nieces and nephews) but said she hated Xmas. She is in a couple now and is very excited this year at the prospect of holiday season etc...I.guess the thought of being alone with a bunch of kids/couples each year just upset her too much. I used to feel the same about going to weddings on my own I think that it sounds your underlying issues with your brother and your fertility are still very present. My only suggestion would be that maybe you plan a visit to your parents a week or few days before and enjoy some nice time together. Not the same as Xmas day BUT you could then plan a nice day for yourself on Xmas day. Pamper, treat yourself to some yummy food and some nice films or boxsets - some facetime with your new relationship/friends/family who also may be on their own. Your brother will have his year as planned and you can look forward to next year. We're are all being told to look out for those who are struggling with mental health, Xmas can be a shitty time for some people at the best of times but even more so this year

He's being a dick OP! I cannot imagine that your parents would feel happy knowing that you were completely on your own. So he's being unkind to all of you. In any event, kids don't want dragging around at Xmas. They just want to stay at home and play with their toys. It sounds to me like he's just trying to prove a point that it's his turn,which is dickish! Buy him some Xmas socks and fill them with itching powder OP!

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

OP in answer to your question in the OP, I don’t think your brother is being mean at all. He is not stopping you from being there as well, that’s your choice, because you don’t want to be around kids on Christmas Day. I agree with others YABU and a bit selfish.

Your brother must be just as eager to see his parents and their dc to see their grandparents but because you don’t like to be around them at xmas they should stay away?

In the nicest way I think you should accept this is a situation of your own making and deal with it yourself; and don’t make your poor mum have to tell her grandchildren they can’t see her this year!

@Arthersleep

He's being a dick OP! I cannot imagine that your parents would feel happy knowing that you were completely on your own. So he's being unkind to all of you. In any event, kids don't want dragging around at Xmas. They just want to stay at home and play with their toys. It sounds to me like he's just trying to prove a point that it's his turn,which is dickish! Buy him some Xmas socks and fill them with itching powder OP!

What exactly is dickish about following an agreed arrangement to spend Christmas with his parents and his in-laws on alternate years?

Seriously, what is he doing wrong? He is happy for OP to join them, he's not excluding her, he is following the same arrangement that millions of families have.

I can’t believe he would even consider you being on your own this Christmas.
My sibling on their own is a given will spend any time they want with our parents and those of us with families fit around that. My mum would be so sad if my sibling were on their own and we were all having a lovely family time, I’d be sad too and wouldn’t dream of leaving any of the family in their own. Your brother needs to grow up, he can have his own family Christmas or suggest he leaves his kids at home!

@DinosaurGrrrrr wow. You really need to work on your empathy and self awareness! Oh, and that nasty smugness could use some work too...

Go and be with your parents regardless.

So you have a sister who you are happy to go away with , who sees her /your parents every year and lives close to them

But you don’t stay with her the Xmas your brother is there

You prefer to be on own /go away

I appreciate that you don't really want to be there with your brother, but if it came down to it could you not have the kids room and them all sleep on the other bedroom floor? Or could you have the other spare room and your dB and sil sleep downstairs?

@Getoutofbed25 please read OP's updates. She is perfectly welcome to join the celebrations at her mother's, along with her brother's family. No-one is leaving her out or 'letting' her spend Christmas alone. She is choosing not to join them, because she doesn't want to be with her brother's family. She wants her parents to herself.

@UnaCorda

Can you not see that it may be easier for OP to manage her feelings around one sibling who has one older child rather than a brother who is a ‘selfish dick’ and his wife who tries to be ‘Mother Earth’ with five children?

Yes, this pretty much sums it up. And much as they love their grandchildren, both my parents think that my SIL massively over-eggs the perfect mummy routine.

Between slagging off the SIL and rushing to telling you about what your brother has said, there's a whole lot of shit-stirring going on at your parents' house.

OP it is difficult to say this without causing offence because it is a very sensitive subject but I would urge you to try to move beyond this place of feeling bitter and jealous and try to come to terms with things. You are ok with your sister but not ok with your brother, you don't like your SIL's parenting, you don't agree with this, you don't agree with that- all you are doing is projecting your issues onto the situation but all that is achieving is putting yourself into the position of being excluded. I can totally understand a whole day and night of it might be too much but try to find some middle ground. One day your parents won't be around and you might be grateful for having a relationship with your brother and his family. I have been the one in your shoes but have also experience of a family member with issues. They have made things difficult and awkward in the family for years and to what end? They are still lonely and bitter and life goes on for the rest of us. Of course we have sympathy and we all tolerate their behaviour but they are not a nice person to be around. Please don't waste your life being that person. Try to find some joy in being with family, especially after this year. You are only punishing yourself.

@StressyMcstresserson

What a spiteful thing to suggest! Please dont do this, it's not the kiddies fault or your brothers for that matter! I live for my turn with my parents, it's not his fault you are on your own and he has a family. It's his turn in afraid!

OP says she feels ‘disinclined to spend time and money on Christmas shopping for him and his family (although I do appreciate it would be unfair to take out my feelings on my nieces and nephews).’, so why should she? She says he is a selfish dick, and the kiddies will get plenty of presents from their parents / grand parents. It’s not fair for her to buy for 7 when she is just 1.

Potential solution. Give him Christmas Day and only Christmas Day then you get the rest of the Christmas period. Tell your parents that they should do the big Christmas dinner on Boxing Day. Or you sleep in the lounge?

Very simple solution, go stay with your sister for 2-3 nights and enjoy Christmas together, see your Mum/Brother and family 1-2x as you say your sister lives close enough not to stay over.

I hope when it's all said and done you can all be grateful you are all there, many haven't survived covid. And that this can be moved on from.

(And yes, I think your brother is selfish)

he shouldn't be seeing them at all - rule of 6.

Aw, this is tough. You have as much right as anyone to have a happy sociable Christmas. But actually, I’d argue you have the right more than anyone to have a happy sociable Christmas. I think the Pandemic has been very hard on single people. Fight for your right to party!! (Who sang that?) Don’t be bullied into spending it on your own. Lots of love Xxx

Please can someone tell me what brother has done wrong?

As far as I can tell, he has a routine where the family go to his parents for Christmas one year, and his in-laws the other. It's established and appears to be agreed by all concerned. As far as we know, OP is welcome to join them all (though she might need to stay with her sister rather than at her parents), but chooses not to.

OP says:
we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"?

It sounds to me as though OP and her DM have tried to persuade him not to come, in favour of OP attending instead. How incredibly hurtful.

OP says she hasn't been able to socialise much because she's in tier 2. Well the tiers have only just come into action, so what's she been doing until now? Using the new tier as her reason for not having socialised is disingenuous. She's had all summer and early Autumn.

If I'm correct and I was DB or his kids (who, remember, live a long way from his parents) I'd be incredibly hurt to find my parents were trying to withdraw the invitation for Christmas, in favour of his sister who can't bear their company.

Don’t be bullied into spending it on your own. Lots of love Xxx

Oh FFS @Frolie. Read the updates. She's not being bullied by anyone (though it sounds like DB is) and she doesn't have to be alone. She can go and spend Christmas with her parents, but she doesn't want to because her brother and family will be there too.

@LouiseTrees

Potential solution. Give him Christmas Day and only Christmas Day then you get the rest of the Christmas period. Tell your parents that they should do the big Christmas dinner on Boxing Day. Or you sleep in the lounge?

You think the OP should be able to dictate how long her parents can host their son and grandchildren and when they should have their main Christmas dinner?

Potential solution. Give him Christmas Day and only Christmas Day then you get the rest of the Christmas period. Tell your parents that they should do the big Christmas dinner on Boxing Day.

Yep. Because OP is the boss of everyone. How dare her parents think they have a choice in how they celebrate Christmas in their own house? She already thinks she can dictate what her brother and family do, so how come her parents get to think they can do what they want?

@Dontbeme

OP do you have friends\coworkers\neighbours in the same situation as you, living far from family and not able to travel home this Christmas? If so could you host (within guidelines) them at your home, it may make you feel better to take control of your own situation rather than waiting for invitations from others that may not come for whatever reason.

She can't host people at her home in a tier 2 area unless she's formed a support bubble with them.

My brother is in a similar position to you, OP and I simply cannot imagine doing this to him. My children would accept (under 7s) that their Uncle would be on his own if we went so we thought it would be kind and lovely for us to swap our years. Modelling this sort of kindness is surely the festive and right thing to do.

In this particular year, it makes sense for the brother to plan to stay home as there are 7 of them. OP can then see her parents with sis, DN and BIL, making up a party of 6.

This would be the kind thing to do. And then brother could have next year with parents as hopefully no pandemic.