Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

But staying with your sister is an option.

It’s just an option that you don’t want to do.

You want to avoid your brother and that’s your choice.

But you cannot expect him to accommodate your choice when you have the option to go to!

She doesn't, but it's not that simple. She finds hosting them extremely hard work and pretty exhausting because neither my brother nor sister-in-law lift a finger.

So he’s lazy as well selfish, why am I not surprised.

Your OP implied you have no other options. It transpires that you do, but you don't want to use them. Do you not drive for people to have to be ferrying you everywhere?

YABU it's your brothers "year" and you have been invited by your parents. It is your issue and not theirs that is meaning you are choosing to stay away.

@DinosaurGrrrrr You sound like my brother and sister in law, they couldn't have kids and took 2 years to get over the fact we have them (they refused to actually see them for a time, it was "too hard"). I think you need to sort your issues rather than spoil others Christmas. If it was my parents they'd prefer a Christmas with our children over a Christmas with my brother and his wife, as much as my brother is golden child they love Christmas with our kids. My brother has Xmas dinner with his wife and comes over in the evening and we all spend the evening together. They accept our kids now though and have finally embraced their Aunty and uncle role. It hurt a lot to be on the receiving end of their selfish behaviour though, we just pretend it didn't happen now.

Oh my your poor thing. It must have been so difficult for you not having your brother and SIL fawn over your children. How selfish of them - I mean all they had happening in their lives was coming to terms with NEVER having their own children NEVER being grandparents. Being EXCLUDED from everything parenthood entails when it was the thing they wanted most in the world. And they took two whole years to come to terms with it. How awful for you.

I hope you are ok and got some help with everything you been through

Maybe you should consider getting some more help to deal with your problem of having absolutely zero empathy. Your poor poor DB and SIL. I’m also childless and struggling with infertility and thank my lucky stars I don’t have selfish horrible siblings like you.

@UnaCorda - Yes, obviously I'd do that if it would solve everything, but it doesn't because (amongst other reasons) they will want to be with my parents and brother et al too.

So you're ok being around your sister's child but it's too traumatic being around your brother's children? Can you really not see how hurtful that must be to him?

Has your parents neighbors got a spare room? / air bnb can you sleep on the sofa? I find a way to stay over for a couple of nights - you would normally go away so you have money to stay in a nice hotel
I think you should calmly communicate your upset to your brother as he probably has no idea , why would he ? as you normally spend alternative years away he can probably has no clue you are upset

I'm sorry to hear how much you have struggled with infertility, but I'm afraid you're being very selfish. Why on earth should you get your ideal Christmas Day to the detriment of at least 12 other people (DB family, DP, DS family) who presumably would also like to see each other at Christmas? The only person insisting on you being alone in the current situation is you. It's not kind to your DB or your DNs and it's not necessary.
If I was your DB I would also be concerned that stepping aside this Christmas could potentially be a slippery slope to him being expected to step aside every Christmas, so that you're not alone.

To all of you who have said OP is BU I really hope that you never have to spend a Christmas alone. OP I think YANBU but on the other hand I do see brothers point of view IF (and that is a big IF) he his main reason is that his children will not spend a Christmas with your parents for 3 years if he misses this year and keeps to seeing his inlaws the other years.

I am not really sure of the answer here. I personally have only spent one Christmas in the last 26 years with my parents, but that is because I decided to live 12000 miles away from them! Though even now Christmas day itself it just me DP and 16yo DS and has been just the 2/3 of us for the past 19 years. But I realise that kind of Christmas is not for everyone.

Op. I really don't want to put the boot in but I think you need to get yourself into a happier place. Maybe have counselling to come to terms that you may not have children. And help you accept and enjoy the roll of Auntie in those children's lives.
I have a Great Aunt and Uncle who were more like a 3rd set of Grandparents to me than anything else.

I’m in your position, OP.
I’m 58 and on my own yet brother with wife and children commandeers our father, leaving me on my own.
This has been going on for years and as a consequence I barely speak to him.
Male entitlement at its finest.
Also, even in this ‘enlightened’ age, lol, as a childless woman one is always bottom of the pile.
Sad but true.

[quote OchonAgusOchonO]**@UnaCorda* - Yes, obviously I'd do that if it would solve everything, but it doesn't because (amongst other reasons) they will want to be with my parents and brother et al too.*

So you're ok being around your sister's child but it's too traumatic being around your brother's children? Can you really not see how hurtful that must be to him?[/quote]
Can you not see that it may be easier for OP to manage her feelings around one sibling who has one older child rather than a brother who is a ‘selfish dick’ and his wife who tries to be ‘Mother Earth’ with five children?

@Kettledodger - To all of you who have said OP is BU I really hope that you never have to spend a Christmas alone.

Did you miss the updates where she explains that she doesn't want to go if her brother and his family is there, rather than her brother or parents saying she can't go.

@kettledodger The OP is choosing to be alone. They could go to another siblings, or a hotel nearby, or even a sofa. They aren't being actively banned.

I spend every other Christmas Day alone.

I get that it’s crap. It is and I hate it.

But the op has options. She’s choosing to be alone or go away in other years. She could stay with her sister and drop over for dinner to her parents. But she chooses to go away and this year she is choosing to be on her own.

It can’t be just about her brother having children and her being infertile, because she has no issue being around her sister who has a child. So there’s more to it than that - I suspect from the “earth mother” comment that she doesn’t get along with her SIL.

@Bikingbearthis is not about needing to get to a “happier place”, (patronising much).
It’s about constantly being pushed to the bottom of the pile because one is a childless woman.
I’m perfectly happy not having children but being treated dismissively and cruelly by one’s family is hurtful.
Hopefully even the most thick skinned commentator can sympathise. Or not.

@PersonaNonGarter

Sorry, I think YABU here. If the DGC are excited about the trip and it has been promised to them all year then I can see why they are sticking to their turn.

I think it would help if you stopped seeing this your brother ‘lobbying for you to be on your own’ and just recognising that he is taking his turn with his family.

That totally misses the point of the impact for OP, like all single people this Christmas

Yeah sorry missed the updates. I take back all I said . Looks like OP is wanting everything her own way ... if you find it triggering while I have sympathy it is NOT your brothers and his wifes fault

Initially I was going to say your brother was being unreasonable - I would never let my single sister do Christmas alone so my family and I could see my parents.

But if you are unwilling to go with them there, and stay in accommodation or with your sister, because you don't want to share your parents, I really think that's your problem.

@Cadent - Can you not see that it may be easier for OP to manage her feelings around one sibling who has one older child rather than a brother who is a ‘selfish dick’ and his wife who tries to be ‘Mother Earth’ with five children?

How do you know the sister's child is older?

It seems to me that she doesn't like her brother and his wife so is less willing to make an effort. Referring to her sil as playing Mother Earth is hugely insulting. I assume that simply means she is a hands on mother who does a lot with/for her children.

Can you really not see how it would be hurtful to see your sister being happy to be around your dn but not willing to be around your dc?

And the impact on the grandchildren and brother should be completely ignored why?

All the people who are saying OP is being unreasonable, how would you feel in her position?

@FreshFreesias

I’m in your position, OP. I’m 58 and on my own yet brother with wife and children commandeers our father, leaving me on my own. This has been going on for years and as a consequence I barely speak to him. Male entitlement at its finest. Also, even in this ‘enlightened’ age, lol, as a childless woman one is always bottom of the pile. Sad but true.

The brother isn't commanding anything. He is doing exactly what most people do. Going to one set of parents one year and the other the next. He is not preventing OP from seeing her mother this Christmas. She is welcome to join them. But for her own reasons she doesn't want to.

Whatever the brother's other faults, him spending Christmas with his mother every second year isn't one of them.

SIL "Mother Earth" I was so with you OP at the beginning but now...

All the people who are saying OP is being unreasonable, how would you feel in her position?

I'd make a different choice. Her parents haven't chosen her brother over her. Everyone is invited, it's OP choosing not to go.

I'd realise it was my choice not to go therefore I couldn't get annoyed about it.

[quote FreshFreesias]@Bikingbearthis is not about needing to get to a “happier place”, (patronising much).
It’s about constantly being pushed to the bottom of the pile because one is a childless woman.
I’m perfectly happy not having children but being treated dismissively and cruelly by one’s family is hurtful.
Hopefully even the most thick skinned commentator can sympathise. Or not.[/quote]
@FreshFreesias you don't seem to be reading the updates. OP isn't being pushed to the bottom of the pile..absolutely no-one is preventing her from spending Christmas with her family. She is choosing not to.

Her reasons are understandable, but everyone else's Christmases can't revoke around her problems being around her nephews and nieces.