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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family Christmas conundrum

488 replies

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:08

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

OP posts:

nosswith · 24/10/2020 19:08

Unreasonable of your brother to be unsympathetic, and if the rule of 6 is in place then, if your parents have any neighbours who they have fallen out with, risks the possibility of the police being called.

Dutchesss · 24/10/2020 19:08

What do you usually do on Christmas when it's not your turn?

Aridane · 24/10/2020 19:14

Yes, what would you normally do? You mention ‘going away’?

1FootInTheRave · 24/10/2020 19:15

I think you have deliberately manipulated your op, excluding hugely relevant information, for your own gain. Probably to justify your own unreasonable demands.

You have options. Many of which don't involve being alone.

Completely disingenuous.

MatildaonaWaltzer · 24/10/2020 19:15

@UnaCorda if you are choosing not to go to your sister’s or to stay in a hotel so that you can have the family Christmas, that absolutely shouldn’t mean that you are spending Christmas alone. Invite friends to yours; gang up with another single and head to a pub / restaurant; ask a friend if you can go to theirs.
You are looking at this very black and white and in doing so I think you miss a lot of good pity. You can also spend New year with your parents or sister; if it’s pure loneliness and wanting their company, realistically the day of the week matters a lot less to you than it does to your nieces and nephews. You will have the visit to your parents, just on a different day and you will have a Christmas with other people. It doesn’t need to all focus on one date in the calendar.

MatildaonaWaltzer · 24/10/2020 19:16

*miss a lot of good pity should be miss a lot of good options!

mercutio12 · 24/10/2020 19:18

So your DB would happily have you there, but you want him to stay away so you don't have to see his kids. YABVU.

boomboom1234 · 24/10/2020 19:20

I am sorry you have had issues with infertility and I can't pretend to understand the pain that has caused you but I can only
Imagine it is huge and raw and very very difficult. I must admit though I find it really sad that you don't seem to express any feelings for your nieces and nephews. I think it's sad you don't seem to have any thought to them and how wonderful Christmas is for kids and that they haven't seen their grandparents all year and that they have been through a lot this year too with being isolated from friends and family and potentially the fear the pandemic may have caused them. Sorry I don't mean to be cruel or unkind but I just think that those kids also deserve some time with their grandparents and that the happiness of everyone in this matters too. There must be a way to frame this that can make you feel more positive. I think you need to think about what you can do this Christmas that feels positive for yourself. I really don't think your brother is doing this to make you sad or unhappy he just wants his kids to have a special Christmas.

saraclara · 24/10/2020 19:21

So it isn't that your brother doesn't want you there. It's that you don't want to be there with him and his family.

That changes the whole complexion of the problem. He's doing nothing wrong by having his turn at the family Christmas.You are choosing to spend Christmas alone. I understand why, but you can't just expect him and his family to forego their turn for another two years. That's just unreasonable.

I'm sorry that it's hard for you, but it's a massive ask, when you could be there too, but are choosing not to be.

IndecentFeminist · 24/10/2020 19:21

We don't know the OP can stay with her sister yet. Blythly saying ' but she can stay with her sister' without even checking is a bit presumptuous.

And the 'rule of 6-ers'...she's already said that obviously any plans are to be determined by the guidelines at the time, give it a rest.

EL8888 · 24/10/2020 19:25

He's being selfish and thoughtless, he has options and you have none. It is an unwritten rule in my family that no one spends Christmas alone. What does he expect you to do? Microwave meal for one ?!

Spotsandstars · 24/10/2020 19:25

@UnaCorda

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. I realise it isn't 100% clear-cut. My mum also feels that my brother - and especially my sister-in-law - doesn't really understand how hard I find being in an "idyllic" family tableau such as Christmas.

It's time to help them understand how things are for you. Over the years you may have come across as selfish, difficult, stuck up etc. But you know that really that isn't you it's just maybe how you've dealt with a difficult situation. I've been on both ends of fertility issues (for years) and now have children so I do understand why it's triggering and sad for you. Maybe a letter being completely vulnerable to them to explain what's happened over the years may help to mend this relationship or at least ease it. To explain that you are not rejecting them or their children it's just so very painful. Failing that, I would book a spa hotel and spend Christmas away still but in the uk.

Marnie76 · 24/10/2020 19:27

@aSofaNearYou

Wow, what an arse. I understand what people are saying about him probably thinking about his kids being disappointed but I don't think that's a good enough counter argument tbh. The children will be surrounded by their family of 7, they may be disappointed but they will be fine. It is far more cruel to leave OP on her own this year, given the affect solitude has had on the mental health of those living alone. If he cannot concede that then he is not a nice person.

But she doesn’t need to be on her own. She could go to her parents but she won’t because her brother will be there. She could also go to her sisters. I do understand that’s it difficult but it’s not true to say that her family are leaving her to be alone at Christmas.

saraclara · 24/10/2020 19:30

@EL8888

He's being selfish and thoughtless, he has options and you have none. It is an unwritten rule in my family that no one spends Christmas alone. What does he expect you to do? Microwave meal for one

She doesn't have to spend Christmas alone. He isn't excluding her, and nor is her mother. OP is excluding herself because she finds being with her nieces and nephews too painful. That's hard for her, I understand that. But punishing him and his family for it is unfair. I'm sure grandma doesn't want to be deprived of her turn having Christmas with her grandchildren, either.

Jeremyironseverything · 24/10/2020 19:30

Presumably it's a three bedroom house? You get a room. Your brothers family get a room. They can all squeeze in together or the kids can start of in their parents bed then be transferred to blow up mattresses in the lounge when their parents go to bed.

Squeezing everyone in is part of Christmas, but given the situation you should definitely have a room of your own.

EL8888 · 24/10/2020 19:31

Nice to see people have been putting the boot in about OP's fertility issues. Always handy when personally they can fire out kids left, right and centre. People find something upsetting and difficult to deal with, others don't but it's a bit harsh judging people who do. Especially when you have never been in their shoes

mopphead · 24/10/2020 19:32

If I were you I would go to your sister's and pop round to your parents during the day, perhaps when the children aren't opening presents.

StressyMcstresserson · 24/10/2020 19:36

@Cadent

I would stop the presents for him and his children.

What a spiteful thing to suggest! Please dont do this, it's not the kiddies fault or your brothers for that matter! I live for my turn with my parents, it's not his fault you are on your own and he has a family. It's his turn in afraid!

Aridane · 24/10/2020 19:39

I normally go away, so yes, my normal plans have been cancelled

You can still go away!

TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 24/10/2020 19:41

It is "his year", so I'm not surprised your brother hasn't changed his plans to do as they'd normally do, despite Covid-19, especially if his children will have been looking forward to Christmas at your parents' home.

The relationships here seem complicated, but it's not your brother's fault that you don't wish to spend Christmas with him and his family (whatever the reasons). If you'd be okay with spending Christmas with everyone and your brother didn't want you there because there's not enough room, I'd think your brother was being horrible. However, what it really comes down to is that you want him to give up "their year" and completely change their plans to suit you. I think that's unreasonable.

Of course you should see your parents, but it doesn't have to be on Christmas Day. The best thing to do would be to try to see your parents either before or after the others will be there.

Clareflairmare · 24/10/2020 19:41

@Jeremyironseverything

Squeezing everyone in is part of Christmas, but given the situation you should definitely have a room of your own.

5 children and two adults is almost certainly impossible in one room, especially if one is still in a cot.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 19:42

I'm sure grandma doesn't want to be deprived of her turn having Christmas with her grandchildren, either.

She doesn't, but it's not that simple. She finds hosting them extremely hard work and pretty exhausting because neither my brother nor sister-in-law lift a finger.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 19:43

@EL8888

Thank you.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 24/10/2020 19:44

Makes me wonder if DB and SIL like spending Christmas with either set of parents because they get a break...

Original poster

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 19:45

@IndecentFeminist

We don't know the OP can stay with her sister yet. Blythly saying ' but she can stay with her sister' without even checking is a bit presumptuous.

And the 'rule of 6-ers'...she's already said that obviously any plans are to be determined by the guidelines at the time, give it a rest.

Yes, obviously I'd do that if it would solve everything, but it doesn't because (amongst other reasons) they will want to be with my parents and brother et al too.

OP posts:

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