To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

He's come home admitted he was wrong and explained his feelings of being stressed but you're " not buying it" bloody hell poor DH he can't win.

How the fuck has he not changed a dirty nappy in 9 whole months?!

Why was he not up with the baby last night?

Why is he not a hands on dad?

I’ve just read the updates!! I thought when you said he knows the routine ‘inside out’ it’s because he’d actually done it!!! You need to stop doing everything. This is why this has happened.
Start alternating nights.

He's never changed a pooey nappy because he didn't get any paternity leave so I guess things just defaulted to me. Now, when I leave her with him, she genuinely never seems to poo!

So he isn't refusing to, or handing her over to you when she had done a poo? Next time she does and you are both home, just hand her to him, he will figure it out. If he complains and says he can't do it say practice makes perfect. You can always subtley check a short while after, but don't hover over him while he does it.

He came home half an hour or so ago and has said he doesn't want a new routine, he's happy following this routine, he just found it really challenging and stressful and just blundered, which in honesty I'm not buying. He knows what to do. The nappy - I'm obviously not happy about but I can forgive, I believe that was a genuine mistake - but teeth, moisturiser... he knows.*

He's been honest and admitted be found it hard and 'blundered' yet you don't believe him? . How about trying to be supportive? You'll find he's a lot more helpful if he isn't getting shit all of the time- I say this from experience.

OP, I'm going to make this very clear. Unless you have a fucked up relationship, dads do the equal share of pooey nappies and it has nothing to do with whether they've taken paternity leave or not.

He only had to cover an hour and a half and he fucked that up. It's pathetic. A stranger could have managed to make a list and do the tiny amount of tasks he had to cover to keep your DD in her routine. Sleep is the most valuable thing at that age. YANBU, in my opinion.

You say he hasn’t changed a pooey nappy because she just hasn’t done a dirty nappy whilst you’ve left her with him..... but why wouldn’t he change it whilst you’re all together on a weekend or whenever?

But you are really making things so much worse by doing all this for him, cutting up food and laying everything else. He needs to learn and he needs to be a parent. At the moment he’s a live in babysitter and a poor one at that.

I have left her with him before for a maximum of 3hrs, a handful of times, never encroaching on bedtime though. He has never changed a pooey nappy but has, on occasion, changed wet ones. Thinking about it, this has been at MILs so maybe she actually did it.

There's your problem. He's rarely been left alone to parent his own child. He doesn't know what to do because he's not been left to get on with it. You need to remedy that pronto, OP!

Firstly there is no way I believe that your DH has NEVER been home for a poo nappy in 9 months?!? Surely that’s impossible even if he didn’t get paternity what about after and before work, weekends, holidays, even his days WFH?? She’s never pooed in his presence? Ever? Doubtful. I think what you mean is he’s never been completely alone with her when she’s pooed and that to me summarises the whole issue between you and your DH... you view yourself (and he views you!) as the default nappy changer. And I assume the default food preparer etc etc. Do NOT become the default parent OP.

I’ve been there it’s not good for your OR your DH or your baby actually. There are two parents. Both should be capable. It’s very very easy to fall into that position. I did. I got controlling over it and I micromanaged DH. It wasn’t good for our own relationship or his relationship with our baby. That was a control issue on my part and I had to stop micromanaging and also accept DH has a different way of doing things occasionally. For his part he always did step up and would do nappies prepare meals etc when he was home even if I was home also. So your DH has to step up big time and he’s really been taking a bit of the piss by allowing you to do everything. Even if it’s lack of confidence it’s still his baby and he would be more proactive himself.

Now routines ... I don’t like my baby never seemed to benefit from and I had only a fairly loose bedtime is around 7 with bath and tea before type routine. Your routine seems extremely ridged. It surely didn’t matter he gave tea half an hour before if baby was hungry for example? So a little flexibility can be helpful. Please also remember that baby won’t necessarily follow or want to follow the routine when you aren’t there. Things work when you are there won’t necessarily work when DH is alone with her so he’ll have to find his own routine. He is aware if the sleep issues so should be working within a oooser routine to ensure a good sleep. Having a 9 month old napping at 6pm to be is insanity. If they’d eaten and were grouchy I’d have done a quicker bedtime routine and got them into bed to sleep properly not nap. Your DH needs to know it’s okay to shorten a routine to get to bedtime quicker if needed. It sounded like he planned to do the teeth and moisturiser later when he did the bedtime routine not skip it completely. The prescribed “interactive” time is a bit Ott to me also. I totally agree with reading and interactive playing but this can be done anytime surely and if baby is grouchy then skip it.

For what it’s worth the FaceTime thing could have wound me up too. Unless he was reading playing games with her with her grandparents and she was enjoying it he should have kept it brief. My own babies never liked FaceTime things they’d always become really upset and didn’t enjoy so wr kept any very brief. No one wants their baby sitting grouching in a screen to satisfy others.

Omg YADNBU

So typical of this culture that we are meant to accept men not parenting their own children

You are NOT over reacting

God

@RockWrass

He's never changed a pooey nappy because he didn't get any paternity leave so I guess things just defaulted to me. Now, when I leave her with him, she genuinely never seems to poo! He came home half an hour or so ago and has said he doesn't want a new routine, he's happy following this routine, he just found it really challenging and stressful and just blundered, which in honesty I'm not buying. He knows what to do. The nappy - I'm obviously not happy about but I can forgive, I believe that was a genuine mistake - but teeth, moisturiser... he knows.

Whoever said about the mental load - this is exactly what it's about. No, a night off brushing her teeth and moisturising her isn't going to do the world of harm but why am I the one having to remember this stuff?!

He was working yesterday and he's busy - he finished early so I didn't have to take DD to the appointment. I honestly just tried to be thoughtful and grateful.

My mistake was not letting him take over at 9.30 but I was shattered by then, I just wanted some sleep and I wanted to make sure DD was happy before bed. If this situation arises again, I'll just let him do it. But I don't think it shows that I'm controlling by saying no... I just wanted to try to salvage the night.

He's not sorry. He doesn't see what he's done wrong. He said he's tired too. I'm absolutely shattered, DD is shattered, grumpy and clingy and I'm really pissed off. I'm hoping a decent night sleep tonight will sort things out.

I think OP you've fallen into the trap a lot of mums do - they take over 99% of the care 'because it's easier' and then are surprised when they do leave the dad to it, that they can't cope. Imagine you're at work and teaching a new employee. The easier thing to do most of the time is just to do it yourself. Training someone new is tiring and stressful and mostly a pain in the arse. But the one day you need to take annual leave, that employee has to step up. And if you haven't been giving them hands on experience, they aren't going to cope well. They know the general gist of things but actually doing it is another thing entirely. In 9months he's not changed a poorly nappy, that's not down to missing out on paternity leave. That's every time she's poos you're there to sort it. It's easier just to do it yourself rather than having him moan and complain and get it a bit wrong and having some leakage the first few times. But that's how he learns - it's how you learnt. You've got to give him the opportunity to get the skills to become a good father. Will he do it of his own accord - no probably not. So you need to make him. Start leaving him alone with the child more, he is after all 50% of the parenting duo. He needs to start experience the consequences too. So he doesn't put the nappy on right? Baby leaks. Baby needs changing, bed needs changing etc etc.

He’s full of shit.

And sorry, HE stormed out? Sans baby?

Oh gosh

He's never changed pooey nappy. Then he looks after his child. Thinking he's done an awesome job and gets screamed at!

@Halliehallie9828

He did provide minimum care for her though?

I think your over reacting personally.

Minimum care is acceptable to you when the person needs caring for is a baby ? Raise your bar, bloody hell.

Your husband is an embarrassment. It is time he did more for his child, make him when you are there. Putting a nappy no back to front when the baby is nine months old is ridiculous. Not moisturising her when she has eczema is neglectful.

"There's your problem. He's rarely been left alone to parent his own child. He doesn't know what to do because he's not been left to get on with it. You need to remedy that pronto, OP!"

Or if he is he goes to his mum?

He shouldn't need to be left alone though-he should be getting on with stuff in the evenings & at weekends.

To give Op a break from doing it all & because he wants to.

@diddl

"There's your problem. He's rarely been left alone to parent his own child. He doesn't know what to do because he's not been left to get on with it. You need to remedy that pronto, OP!"

Or if he is he goes to his mum?

He shouldn't need to be left alone though-he should be getting on with stuff in the evenings & at weekends.

To give Op a break from doing it all & because he wants to.

Yes totally agree. My DH was rarely “alone” with the babies but he parented even if I was also in house. As I said my own issue was micromanaging that parenting due to own control issues but there is no reason Op’s dH hasn’t changed a nappy other than he didn’t want to and left it to OP.

@ferntwist

I didn’t think teeth brushing was recommended before a year old?

Why would you think that ?.

Nah I completely get it because I’m living with a very temperamental sleeper currently and if we don’t stick mostly to the routine then it ends in me being awake half the night.
To others it might seem OTT but maybe they haven’t had bad sleepers or had kids or have forgotten how brutal it is. How much you want to rip your face off (or your DPs) when the baby wakes for the 4th time in the night.

It’s difficult bc you don’t want to dictate to the other parent how they manage things when you’re not there but routine is really important when it comes to sleep and it’s not fair that you have to deal with the repercussions of him totally trashing her usual routine. It makes you feel like you can’t go out or do anything for yourself, because you know it’ll be an absolute pain in the arse when you get back. So it becomes almost not worth going.

In the future I would be ensuring he gets up and deals with the night wakings if he can’t stick to the routine.

The prescribed “interactive” time is a bit Ott to me also

I promise it's not "right, now is time for interactive play." We just sit down with her and play/read at this time, before bed. As I said before, the routine isn't completely inflexible. If she's exhausted, we'll skip this. If, at 7.15ish, she's not ready for sleep, we'll play a bit longer. But this is the general routine... and for us, it works. Otherwise we simply have no sleep.

DH knows the routine. He was too busy showing off his lacking parenting skills to ILs. He was stressed because DD was grouchy. DD was grouchy because instead of DH interacting with her, she'd had a camera thrown in her face. Hence why I'm not buying any of the "I was stressed."

He knows what to do with her. The nappy thing I've taken on board. I'll show him how to do the next one and then moving forwards, he knows how. It's laziness.

If he was sorry, he'd have come in, gave me a hug and said he was sorry. I'm almost in tears where I'm so tired. The house is a mess because DD has been overtired all day and clingy. If he was sorry, he'd have sat down and helped this evening, but he hasn't, because he knows what to do. He's holed himself up in his office.

Missed the bit about never changing a dirty nappy?

WTAF are you joking? So he’s never ever said oh let me do that, when you’ve been sorting her or on an early morning or when she’s been dirty and you’ve been in the middle of doing something else...

This is utterly ridiculous. Your child’s other parent can’t even deliver the most basic care. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself and you need to stop being a martyr immediately. ludicrous!

If my partner didn’t bother to come in and take the baby when I was almost crying from exhaustion then I’d be having some serious conversations with myself over whether this is the person I want to invest my life in.

My DP is currently sorting DC1 & 2 pjs and milk whilst I lay on the sofa with the dogs on MN - I’m SATP so I do the majority and he knows to pick up the slack when he’s home. He wouldn’t have it any other way

Go get him out of the office and hand him DD. He needs to practice her bedtime routine, and he might as well start now.

I get it 100%

I had a routine baby with eczema and that exact bed time routine.

I’d have been pissed too.

Routine = sleep and happiness all around

Deviation from routine = stress, sleep deprivation and misery all round.

People thought I was being precious, I couldn’t give a toss.

However...next time, leave written instructions with timings or tell him you aren’t taking over when you get in.

This isn’t worth a massive row right now, forgive each other and move on, it’ll make life easier.

Oh - and to the poster who said don’t read to babies, I read to mine from about 3 months old and it was lovely and it still is lovely years later.

WTAF are you joking? So he’s never ever said oh let me do that, when you’ve been sorting her or on an early morning or when she’s been dirty and you’ve been in the middle of doing something else...

Perhaps he's worried about getting his head bitten off for not doing it to standard first time.

I presume he will do the tidying of the house then? Or not?