To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

@stackemhigh I read to all of mine from birth . Even if they haven't got a clue what you're doing, there are still the rhythms of the words and the warmth and the closeness of having a cuddle while reading.

Otherwise, OP, you are being a bit precious. Your DD isn't going to suddenly lose all her routine and good habits because your husband failed to stick to the script for one evening (not sure that having her in bed is a good habit, but each to their own).

By the same token, I would have felt the same when mine were little, as I know I'd have been the one who had to deal with the fallout.

So I'm a bit on the fence. On the very, very rare occasions that I had to go out (doctor or whatever), I used to give XH a list with all the timings on it, and very precise instructions (such as which way round a nappy goes).

I can see why you are annoyed but you really need to let him or make him step up.

My first night out after having Dd2 came home to find 6 month old baby and toddler both in different bedding and night clothes. Shortly after I left both had violently vomited everywhere. Hadn’t occurred to dh to contact me he just dealt with it.

Your Dh needs to be your co parent not a rather useless teenage type assistant

He's not sorry. He doesn't see what he's done wrong. He said he's tired too. I'm absolutely shattered, DD is shattered, grumpy and clingy and I'm really pissed off. I'm hoping a decent night sleep tonight will sort things out.

Doubt it. You have to make him step up. Tomorrow, he does the nappy changes. Any feeds he can do. Plays with her. Basically devotes his day whilst preparing meals and whatever else you would be doing at the same time.

You put your feet up, and if you absolutely have to, give direction.

But by saying you were trying to salvage the night you’re setting yourself up as the default parent.

Essentially by micro managing him (leaving everything out & prepared etc) and taking over if he doesn’t get everything ‘right’ all your DH is developing is learned helplessness.

He’s an adult, and he’s a parent. He is perfectly capable of caring for his own dd AND making her dinner. Likewise, he made a choice to give her a nap at 6pm. He deals with the consequences, and that way he can reflect on whether or not it was a good choice. Next time, he’s far more likely to do something different if he’s got proper experience. But by taking over and criticising, you’re just showing him there’s no point even trying because he’ll never be good enough.

He has never changed a pooey nappy but has, on occasion, changed wet ones.

I am sorry OP but you have made a rod for your own back by literally never making your DH deal with any shit. Yes, I have read your reply “explaining” that he never did it because he did not take any paternity leave and it’s bullshit. Most men get 2 weeks max and continue to deal with nappies until the kids are toilet trained. I had sympathy for you until I read that, now I think that you have chosen to be a doormat and it’s hardly surprising he is useless, because you have made him think that is OK.

This kind of behaviour from STBXH over time led to me turning down more and more social engagements, gym classes etc as I couldn't trust him. There were other issues too, and broaching this with him was a no no.
It still makes me angry thinking about it.

I would be annoyed too especially if I'm sleep deprived but this did happen to me and everyone was OK in the end.. And I decided it was one night. I always make it easier for my H but like others have said if you leave him to parent he HAS to do it and he will learn eventually. I had to let him parent too. It would annoy me more that he's gone out for the day though instead of helping out but is he able to help out when you are both at home? X

@CodenameVillanelle

He's never changed a dirty nappy???

Ok you've made a rod for your own back by never leaving him to actually care for her. He's basically a babysitter and part time assistant to you isn't he? I'm not surprised he's crap at it. I appreciate you want your baby to be well cared for but you aren't the only one responsible for doing that and if he doesn't have initiative to do it then he needs to learn. You need to leave her with him more often and for longer and don't default to you when you're both at home. How the hell have you changed all the dirty nappies for 9 months???

Exactly this.

I know someone who went away for a week with friends and left her partner to do all the parenting. He quickly learned that he needed to do more.

Just know you're not alone, I think lots of us feel the same.

From one over reacting mother to another, I totally get it!

My DH was like this with DC1, by DC3 he was an absolute pro.
I don't think twice about leaving the baby with him.
He used to do stuff like hour DH too, when they aren't the full on carer (my DH was at work I was at home for the first year) they don't get to do the trial and error thing as quickly as us and it ends up as (what feels like) an epic fuck up.

It will get better!

5/10 given and must improve next time - I imagine he will try harder next time

He's not sorry. He doesn't see what he's done wrong. He said he's tired too. I'm absolutely shattered, DD is shattered, grumpy and clingy and I'm really pissed off. I'm hoping a decent night sleep tonight will sort things out.

Of course he doesn’t see what he has done wrong. Very simple ecause he hasn’t had to EXPERIENCE him been tired but still having to be on the ball vs his dd. He hasn’t had to experience her been clingy. Not vaguely see it. But actually had to deal with it, hold her, confort her all day along.

Btw, I dint think he actually knew what to do in the evening. Yes he knows on paper what should happen. But he doesn’t know w deal with his dd when she is grumpy. How to find out what is going on and settle her. Having no paternity leave is no excuse. Either. As I said before, he could have taken over the evening routine, changed 💩 nappies and generally entertained her for more than 30mins whilst you were out and about during the day. Or when you were in the house too for that matter.

You need to start to expect much more from him. Like been a proper parent.

He should have been the one to get up with her in the night. I would have been pretty pissed off too. Sleep is so important when you have a baby and the main cause of arguments in my opinion so I don't think you're being unreasonable at all

He does see what he's done wrong.

He's just being an arse about it.

Lol at no paternity leave being an excuse for not dealing with dirty nappies! What about the very first weekend you were all at home? Every evening? On holiday? You need to show him how to do it once and then when she goes, call him. He'll get used to it and then it won't be a big deal .

But. Never criticise.

I would be cross too.Some men seem to panic, and forget the routine when they are left alone with Babe dont they? Maybe next time leave him clear instructions and phone him to remind him! I know you shouldnt need to obv ,but may stop it happening again. BTW I dont feel we are a "Nest Of Vipers " on here at all .Been on around 18 months and found the site to be informative and supportive as well.

Your DD is closer to her first birthday @RockWrass than she is to the day she was born and in all that time your DH never once changed a dirty nappy and never did a middle of the night feed or 'night time shift' if you will??? Not once in 9 months????

Time to get him to step up. Time to invest in earplugs and an eye mask so that you can sleep while he does do the middle of the night shift and time to get him to change those dirty nappies.

I'm surprised that he doesn't seem to know her routine? Is he not usually involved in her care? My dp works full time and I am currently on maternity leave, however he knows our dd's routine enough for me to be able to pop out last minute and he can take care of her for the day. Maybe get him more involved with the routine? That way he would know what he needs to do. If you don't normally allow him to be involved in the routine it would be a lot for him to remember all at once, as well as feeling overwhelmed to be doing it by himself.

The trouble is that the "small stuff" such as wet nappy on backwards and no excema cream, leads to larger issues over time if conveniently ignored. That's why women do take care of these details. A lot of men have a tendency to do what is easy, rather then what is best for the DC. This can carry on and develop in to the male half of the partnership being "fun Daddy" and the women becoming the one that always has to enforce the rules. And that quickly becomes a pita tbh, so agree op it's best to knock it on the head right from the start.

I’m with OP, entirely. You’re not being unreasonable.
DS 18m has a routine and when I’m out DH sticks to it as he knows if he doesn’t he’ll be up with him at night, have no evening, or at the crack of dawn, and nobody wants that.
A nap at 6pm is fucking ridiculous unless it’s a newborn.

If someone was checking my computer for how long I was talking to my parents I wouldn't be happy. If he offered to look after her that night then why refuse then throw all the blame? Let him get on with it.

Having very specific ways of doing things and not involving the other person then you can't expect them to do things in exactly the same way or not make mistakes. If he had more responsibility for the everyday routine then you wouldn't need to lay things out like he is the babysitter. Otherwise you are leaving someone who has never changed a nappy with a baby and expecting them to do the exact same care as you would who has taken majority responsibility for 9 months.

YY "strategic helplessness" is very unattractive.

I actually should point out that we take turns of an evening to put DS to bed, so perhaps going forward that’s what should happen.