To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

YANBU at all.

I am amazed at all these people who wouldn't mind a baby having a nap at 6pm bedtime was an hour and a half later. I have 3 dc's but would go to great pains with all of them to stop them napping close to bedtime - I thought most people did this?

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day.

So after being a lazy beggar (nappy on the wrong way round after 9 months??!) and you picking up the pieces, he has a day out on his own?

Winner winner for him isnt it

Mate, your DH has got away with absolute murder to date.

I know what that feeling of wanting to put an ace through the office door is like when he’s “working” and you need to have the honest conversation and soon about sharing the load.

Be super clear and if it takes writing it down do it, but be straight with him that you need him to do this else your mental and physical health is likely to suffer then he’d be really stuck.

@ferntwist

I didn’t think teeth brushing was recommended before a year old?

Wtf? Babies get teeth on average at 6 months, which is about when you start giving them solid food. If you don't brush their teeth, they will rot, causing pain and distress to your infant. Surely that's just common sense? Not brushing your children's teeth is neglect.

@RockWrass Go to bed now. Leave him to do the rest of the evening and any night wakings tonight. At least then you'll have had a good night's sleep. Use ear plugs if necessary.
Talk tomorrow and start distributing the care more evenly.

I can’t believe he’s never changed a dirty nappy. What an absolutely shit father.

And teach him the phrase “danger nap urgently”

*axe

I meant axe

@RockWrass he is a complete prick.

He fucked up. He stormed out. Then he came back and locked himself away in his office leaving you to deal with baby and a dirty house?

Fuck. That.

Why hasn't he changed a dirty nappy when you're both there together? What happens?

I think you are taking on too much, when he offered to stay up you refused, so making a rod for you own back. Mistakes might happen if he hasn't had the experience, but if you keep doing everything it will stay that way and you will will always be the one taking all responsibility and feeling exhausted.

I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake

Why? It was only six twenty why not just crack on with her routine,

@RockWrass that interactive okay sounds just like what I did unless they were grouchy. It’s fine and I’m with you on the FaceTime thing. You should NOT be desperate with exhaustion and alone when your DH is home. That’s awful behaviour on his part and there is no excuse for that. It honestly seems like you’ve both got yourself into a situation where your expected to do everything parenting wise and he gets told he’s “involved” because he does a little bit of say the bedtime routine (as your described). That’s not right. You need to reset things and expect more of him. You’ll be exhausted forever otherwise. Believe me I know it’s hard to let go and lose control but I had a willing DH who would take over as needed. I bf and couldn’t express so all nights and bedtime settling on me (would only feed to sleep) but he did the rest equally and wouldn’t disappear to his office if I was dead on my Feet from exhaustion. I’d have got left this morning to sleep in as well with a 9 month old only coming for bf as needed after a sleepless night like that. Please expect better for yourself.

Oh god, what a waste of space. I guess you could say you were being a bit unreasonable expecting him to follow your routine to the letter, but I also think that's understandable if it's a routine that works and allows everyone to get sleep reliably. But he was being totally unreasonable not to take responsibility for trying to fix things last night and has been massively unacceptably unreasonable to respond to being called out on it by storming out for the day. How you handle this will set the tone for how you co-parent from here onwards imo. In your shoes I'd be looking for some real effort both on the parenting front and in terms of conciliatory behaviour towards you. If he can't manage that it's a poor fucking show.

@perfumeistooexpensive

You are overreacting. You can't expect anyone else including your DH to follow your exacting regime. He was probably panicked by her being grumpy. For reference my XH had been a father for 4.5 years before he ever changed a nappy. I was out. I came home to DS standing in a soaking cot with a pin in his hip and fabric hanging down. Nothing between his legs!

And you think that’s OK? For a father not to know how to change a nappy ?

@Bluntness100

I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake

Why? It was only six twenty why not just crack on with her routine,

Maybe you got lucky with your kids, but if mine had a nap an hour before bed there’s no way they’d go to sleep at usual bed time

Although it can be easy to fall into the trap of doing it all, it's also hard to believe that in 9months the baby hasn't needed a nappy change/some attention when Op hasn't been there so has automatically just stepped in.

I mean my husband often left the house at 7 & got back at 7 &there were times I'd just go straight to bed almost as soon as he got in!

Perhaps I have made a rod for my own back with all of this. I don't expect him to do "night shifts" as such especially when he's working. We have a bit in the freezer but I don't like pumping and as I've said before, it's hit and miss whether she'll take a bottle. On a normal night, her first feed is 10 mins max and her second is really never longer than 5. She goes straight back off both times so FWIW I'm more than happy to just feed her myself.

I do feel really down and despondent at the moment. Things haven't been great between us for a while and honestly this is the cherry on the cake.

I'm due to visit my parents for a few days next week, Covid situation pending, so perhaps a bit of space will do us some good.

@RockWrass

Perhaps I have made a rod for my own back with all of this. I don't expect him to do "night shifts" as such especially when he's working. We have a bit in the freezer but I don't like pumping and as I've said before, it's hit and miss whether she'll take a bottle. On a normal night, her first feed is 10 mins max and her second is really never longer than 5. She goes straight back off both times so FWIW I'm more than happy to just feed her myself.

I do feel really down and despondent at the moment. Things haven't been great between us for a while and honestly this is the cherry on the cake.

I'm due to visit my parents for a few days next week, Covid situation pending, so perhaps a bit of space will do us some good.

You really haven’t - you’ve been looking after your baby because their own father won’t. This is the main male role model in their life, and he can’t even change their nappy. That’s really sad.

I knew he'd rock up in time for tea.

Let me guess you're cooking too?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable OP. Many babies thrive on routine and you’ve worked hard to establish one that suits you and your DD. It’s a shame your DH couldn’t be arsed to stick to it for just a few hours and I’m not surprised you are angry with him. You are doing a great job.

What's sad to me is that it seems as if he feed her & got her to sleep so that he didn't need to entertain her.

No one else conceded by the checking of his call log to berate him fr talking to his parents for too long

That’s a bit much

Concerned

@BillMasen

No one else conceded by the checking of his call log to berate him fr talking to his parents for too long

That’s a bit much

In my OP, I wrote that he checked his call log. I have never touched his phone and I certainly wouldn't berate him for talking to his parents. However, DD comes first and I am pissed of that he felt it was of more importance to FaceTime ILs than look after DD properly.