To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

It took my dh until dd was about 12/13 months old to feel truly comfortable with looking after dd on his own, and following her routines etc. He used to panic when she got grouchy, and constantly worried he was doing it wrong so things went a bit tits up. It was annoying at the time but looking back, hed never been around babies, and I never really talked him through her routines (that'd I'd sorted myself) and just expected him to know everything right away.
Hes great with her on his own now (22 months) and looks forward to the nights I'm not at home so he can spend time with her. Though he still doesn't follow my routines, usually feeds her a meal of McDonald's or something and lets her stay up past her bedtime. I don't mind any of that, that's their time together to spend father daughter time and figure each other out.
I think you've overreacted by getting into a huge row, and he's overreacted by leaving for the day. Babies are hard work, and it takes a lot of communication between both parents to figure things out.

YABU - she was cared for, not in the way you prescribed, but she was cared for.

@Toilenstripes

Not worth a huge argument. It’s annoying but not worth being so angry about.

Agreed

Has he changed her nappy before?

I suspect from now on he'll be scared to do anything with her in case it's not to your standards and he gets telling off.

I was shamefully like this with DS when he was small. DH worked away a lot and when he was home I was very stuck on our routine, not even just at bedtime but overall, and it must have been horrible for DH really. If he didn't do it my way I would moan it wasn't right, if he offered to do stuff I'd often martyr myself and say no because I could do it 'better'- which was of course the case only as he didn't get a chance to spend time alone with him, or do things his way ever. It actually caused a lot of friction in our marriage, thankfully I reached a point where I stopped micromanaging him and he is great now.

I think you're overreacting. I really don't understand why people choose to live by such rigid routines. Fair enough if that's what you want to do, but I don't think everyone else should be forced to adhere to them.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, and I'm amazed what some women will deem 'acceptable' from a husband or partner.

Mine are teens now but when they were tiny DH worked from home for three years, got them up every morning so I could lie-in as I'd have been bfing in the night, changed them in the night if they needed it, did their baths every night after work, read their stories and put them to bed whilst I tidied up after dinner, took them both out for an afternoon at the weekend so I could put my feet up. Took them to visit family for the occasional weekend so I could go away with friends or just enjoy a weekend at home by myself.

That's what a decent husband and father does.

I also notice he pissed off after your argument, so nicely managed to engineer a day to himself.

It's not great is it OP! He really needs to sort himself out or the children will always be your total responsibility, and that's soul-destroying when there's an able-bodied adult refusing to play their part. You will become extremely resentful. It's the sort of thing that destroys relationships by a thousand cuts.

Yes, doing everything IS the problem. You basically did everything as you would for a babysitter. As a parent he should be prepping the food etc otherwise how will he know what to do?

Massively overreacting. Put her to bed later, don't worry about it. Back to normal tomorrow.

How will he know what to do?

Well quite, how could a grown man possibly work out how to chop a cucumber without instruction?

The very idea!

You need to speak to someone about your anxiety unless you won't cope when the nursery don't live up to your exacting standards. It's also making extra work and stress for you; stop being such a martyr and get him to do some night shifts.

Had your husband been at work, Op?

If so, I would probably have done as much as I could to make it as easy as possible.

I would think of it as being thoughtful rather than micromanaging!

My husband used to work long hours & often it would be as easy to leave stuff ready as to explain iyswim.

That said, he used to do a lot at the weekend to give me a break & to be involved/know what to do!

It’s always best to do the “pet test” before considering having a baby with someone.

If they give zero fucks about looking after a cat or dog and you end up doing everything this will happen when you have a baby too.

Even if your DH knows the routine, it’s clear he’s happy for you to do it but he’s too lazy/probably more interested in his phone or tv to do it.

9 months and never changed a dirty nappy! Some men are really living the dream.

OP, you're there doing it all then suddenly expecting him to be perfect when you aren't there. It is easy to do, to become the default parent, but you have to act against it.

He can and should be changing dirty nappies as much as you. He can and should be able do her night-time routine with or without you there. However, these things require practice (and time for your DD to be used to daddy doing these things as much as mummy) and if you don't expect more than looking after her on the odd occasion you aren't there, he won't be getting it.

You should expect more from him than to just be around as back up.

@Alicesweewonders

I totally get it, he couldn't follow simple instructions to care for his own child - and you were only gone a few hours. He wasn't even bothered about basis care, teeth brushing / moisturing.

He sounds like a bit of a man child tbh, has he been left before on his own to care for her?

I would've woken him in the night when you're baby did, that's on him. No way would I have done that personally, otherwise there's no repurcussions for his actions cos you've shown you'll pick up after him.

Why should he have to follow instructions when he is an equal parent? He used his own judgement. Maybe if he was allowed by the OP to parent his child then both might have been happier? OP, you need to loosen up a bit.

I know others have commented, but WTF he has NEVER changed a pooey nappy in 9 months
How?
Surely it’s the most basic rule of parenting fairness that when you are both around you take turns with the shitty nappies.
DH did almost every nappy for DS1 for the first two weeks when he was on paternity leave, which he thought was a pretty small
contribution compared to labour, childbirth and breastfeeding!

I'm not defending lazy feckless men but I do see some mums doing everything and criticising/ ridiculing their partner when they try to help. It's sad for the dads who are excluded and for the mums who eventually end up doing it all. Why do so many women have to validate and persecute themselves like this. It's sad all round.

Like many others here my OH did nappies. He got up during the night and I fed he changed nappy then we swapped (twins). It took practice to get it right and if you haven't encouraged you OH to change nappies do feeding etc you can't expect him to get it right all the time. If you get cross or have an argument because he hasn't done it how you want he'll back off. Don't have a strop about the nappy, get him to do it properly (including cleaning) by being with him and talking him through it.

As for playing with her and letting her nap out of schedule well such is life.

"He used his own judgment"

Did he deal with the consequences? No

It's not great is it OP! He really needs to sort himself out or the children will always be your total responsibility, and that's soul-destroying when there's an able-bodied adult refusing to play their part.

But that doesn't seem to be the case, OP has made it her total responsibility, and tells him off when he does anything that differs to what she would do. There's a big difference between that and refusing to pull your weight imo, going through his phone to check how long he was facetiming, for example, is actually quite concerning and controlling.

Did he deal with the consequences? No

Sounds like he offered and was told no. If he had then insisted he would have been in the wrong as well, so I'm not sure he could have won.

@Halliehallie9828

He did provide minimum care for her though?

I think your over reacting personally.

Why the hell is 'minimum care' all you should expect from the other parent??

And it absolutely wasn't fair because as she is bf, it has to be the OP who has the disturbed night.

And then he has the bloody cheek to go off out?

I'd have double locked the doors so he couldn't get back in unless he was incredibly apologetic

Next time he decides to go off piste he has to deal with the consequences. End.

Being shit at something when he knows you'll pick up the pieces is a win-win for him because he gets to do what the fuck he likes, you're less likely to go next time, he doesn't have to think about what she needs and what he should be doing, you won't be asking him again any time soon. Yay!

He's never changed a pooey nappy because he didn't get any paternity leave so I guess things just defaulted to me. Now, when I leave her with him, she genuinely never seems to poo!
He came home half an hour or so ago and has said he doesn't want a new routine, he's happy following this routine, he just found it really challenging and stressful and just blundered, which in honesty I'm not buying. He knows what to do. The nappy - I'm obviously not happy about but I can forgive, I believe that was a genuine mistake - but teeth, moisturiser... he knows.

Whoever said about the mental load - this is exactly what it's about. No, a night off brushing her teeth and moisturising her isn't going to do the world of harm but why am I the one having to remember this stuff?!

He was working yesterday and he's busy - he finished early so I didn't have to take DD to the appointment. I honestly just tried to be thoughtful and grateful.

My mistake was not letting him take over at 9.30 but I was shattered by then, I just wanted some sleep and I wanted to make sure DD was happy before bed. If this situation arises again, I'll just let him do it. But I don't think it shows that I'm controlling by saying no... I just wanted to try to salvage the night.

He's not sorry. He doesn't see what he's done wrong. He said he's tired too. I'm absolutely shattered, DD is shattered, grumpy and clingy and I'm really pissed off. I'm hoping a decent night sleep tonight will sort things out.

@RockWrass

I'm also quite surprised at the amount of pps who would describe a leaking nappy, no moisturiser, teeth not brushed etc as not basic, minimum care but I do understand the phrase "all fed, no one dead."

He knew I'd be 2hrs maximum. It wasn't a social, it was a genuine appointment that I had to attend. I have left her with him before for a maximum of 3hrs, a handful of times, never encroaching on bedtime though. He has never changed a pooey nappy but has, on occasion, changed wet ones. Thinking about it, this has been at MILs so maybe she actually did it.

I left everything ready - her tea just needed to be warmed through, it was in a saucepan on the hob, her plate was ready with cucumber, tomato, peppers chopped and on it. I filled up her cup and left it on the high chair with her bib. Her towel was in the radiator in the bathroom, her toothbrush and toothpaste on the side of the bath. Her PJs, nappy and moisturiser were out on the side in her bedroom.

I genuinely couldn't have made it easier for him.

Why doesn't he do more?

Why is it all down to you?

Stop making it easy for him. Leave him to be a parent