To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

@Wheelerdeeler

He didn't change a poo nappy as he didn't get paternity leave. Are you for real???? The baby exists 24/7 in the same house as her father and he never changed a poo nappy!

You have taken over everything and now he doesn't want to / can't do it.

She's 9 months. How did it get this way???

He has done a massive number on OP, she has clearly been gaslighted into thinking this behaviour is normal. I suspect his own mother was a doormat too.

What a waster OP.

He did the very least he could do and badly.

Learned helplessness so that you continue to do everything.

Don't have another child with this waster.

We've just had a conversation, which escalated into another argument because he is expecting an apology. He maintains that he did nothing wrong, her nappy was "human error" and the moisturiser and teeth weren't a problem because I was home and did it anyway. Napping an hour before bed and being up all night - he just did what he thought was best and he sees no issue with FaceTiming ILs whilst DD was grizzling. He's actually taken that as I'm just annoyed because I don't like the ILs too much, which is true, but she FaceTimes the ILs most days. She's actually seen them 3 times in the past 7 days. He can't understand that a 30 minute pointless FaceTime, whilst she's not happy, is not ok.

He thinks he did the right thing by getting out yesterday to give me space.

I'm so fed up. I could cry.

Oh jeez ‘I can't count on him to care for DD properly‘ ?? Really?! He cared for her just fine. You need to chill the heck out lady.

What the heck are you planning to do if you go out to dinner or are invited to a wedding? Leave at 4pm so you can be home for the ‘routine’?

He did good and he wanted time with his parents, he didn’t just ‘shove a camera in her face’. I’m so sad for him that you said that. You sound awful.

I say all this as a mum who also has to deal with the little one in the night. Get a grip and BE NICE TO YOUR HUSBAND. Fine, he didn’t stick to the ‘routine’ but there are better ways to deal with the fall out.

@AllDayHappyHour

Oh jeez ‘I can't count on him to care for DD properly‘ ?? Really?! He cared for her just fine. You need to chill the heck out lady.

What the heck are you planning to do if you go out to dinner or are invited to a wedding? Leave at 4pm so you can be home for the ‘routine’?

He did good and he wanted time with his parents, he didn’t just ‘shove a camera in her face’. I’m so sad for him that you said that. You sound awful.

I say all this as a mum who also has to deal with the little one in the night. Get a grip and BE NICE TO YOUR HUSBAND. Fine, he didn’t stick to the ‘routine’ but there are better ways to deal with the fall out.

OP, if this thread has given you anything, it should be that gaslighting, dismissive views like AllDayHappyHour's above should be ignored.

Your routine was not overly prescriptive - it sounds loving and calming - and you were not looking for him to stick to it to the letter. You are completely reasonable.

He’s being spectacularly dense. Reading your post about how you’d sliced up her veg, laid out PJs etc - I could have cried! You did everything humanly possible to make things go smoothly for them both and he didn’t even try.

I think the trouble now is it has become him versus you. Actually it isn’t about who’s right is it, it’s about making sure DD has two parents who can take proper care of her. What if you needed to rush off to a sick relative or had a medical emergency yourself? Would he wait for you to be released from hospital before thinking to clean her or look after her medical needs?

I think you need to reframe things for your husband - move on from the other night (I know you were right but honestly this is a waste of time at this point, both of you expecting an apology) - and towards a mutual goal of making sure your daughter has a fully capable parent on hand all the time. That’s got to be the priority and he can’t argue that it’s not a good idea.

Make a plan together. Tonight he is doing bedtime routine and the overnights (getting up and passing the baby to you to feed if that’s how you want to do it). That WILL mean you unclenching a bit ie giving your H full responsibility over the baby sometimes when you are around. Not just tonight but other times. It’s the old mumsnet classic line “what if you got hit by a bus tomorrow?” At the moment the daughter you both love wouldn’t have anyone else who can reliably feed her, change her, look after her medical needs (skin) and get her a good night’s sleep. That needs to change.

^^ I replied only based on your first post but see there are other issues too so I suggest these definitely need addressing too so my response is solely on your first post but he needs to pull his finger out of his arse on some of the parenting things. You do need to be more flexible though, work on this I promise it’s liberating!

Also remind yourself that if you two split up he will have her on his own every week or two. He’s taking you so much for granted it’s actually ridiculous but there are no circumstances in which it’s acceptable to ignore basic needs because the other parent will be along later to do them. There are many many circumstances in which that’s just not the case.

You're overreacting. I couldn't have raised my babies with such rigidity, as it makes going anywhere really difficult!

@WitchWife

He’s being spectacularly dense. Reading your post about how you’d sliced up her veg, laid out PJs etc - I could have cried! You did everything humanly possible to make things go smoothly for them both and he didn’t even try.

I think the trouble now is it has become him versus you. Actually it isn’t about who’s right is it, it’s about making sure DD has two parents who can take proper care of her. What if you needed to rush off to a sick relative or had a medical emergency yourself? Would he wait for you to be released from hospital before thinking to clean her or look after her medical needs?

I think you need to reframe things for your husband - move on from the other night (I know you were right but honestly this is a waste of time at this point, both of you expecting an apology) - and towards a mutual goal of making sure your daughter has a fully capable parent on hand all the time. That’s got to be the priority and he can’t argue that it’s not a good idea.

Make a plan together. Tonight he is doing bedtime routine and the overnights (getting up and passing the baby to you to feed if that’s how you want to do it). That WILL mean you unclenching a bit ie giving your H full responsibility over the baby sometimes when you are around. Not just tonight but other times. It’s the old mumsnet classic line “what if you got hit by a bus tomorrow?” At the moment the daughter you both love wouldn’t have anyone else who can reliably feed her, change her, look after her medical needs (skin) and get her a good night’s sleep. That needs to change.

Yes! Good useful advice!^^

I went back to work when my DD'S were noth 6 months old.

I learnt to let a lot of things go and I absolutely never want to know what happens when I'm not in charge. You obviously quizzed him about what he did. What you should have done is said "hope you had a great time I'll leave her with you and you can bring her upstairs at midnight for her normal feed." And leave him to it. This is the only way my husband learnt that I dont just make up routines for a laugh was being responsible for my daughter when he let her have a danger nap at 5pm one day. This is still how it works in our house, I often work till 8pm home by 9pm and if my girls arent in bed it's his responsibility to settle them down not mine.

The way he will understand you arent being unreasonable is if he deals with his mistake by being the one who has to stay up with her. You do however need to accept you can only fully control her routine when you are in charge

@RockWrass

We've just had a conversation, which escalated into another argument because he is expecting an apology. He maintains that he did nothing wrong, her nappy was "human error" and the moisturiser and teeth weren't a problem because I was home and did it anyway. Napping an hour before bed and being up all night - he just did what he thought was best and he sees no issue with FaceTiming ILs whilst DD was grizzling. He's actually taken that as I'm just annoyed because I don't like the ILs too much, which is true, but she FaceTimes the ILs most days. She's actually seen them 3 times in the past 7 days. He can't understand that a 30 minute pointless FaceTime, whilst she's not happy, is not ok.

He thinks he did the right thing by getting out yesterday to give me space.

I'm so fed up. I could cry.

OP you really have 2 choices here. Either let it drop and move on with your lives and make sure he's more involved with baby's routine in future, or carry on getting more and more wound up in the hopes that he'll suddenly capitulate to your wishes and apologise. Tbh the healthiest choice right now is the first one, because as it stands all the arguing and storming off isn't in your baby's best interests. I KNOW you want an apology, but I honestly don't think you're going to get one, and this carry on is just escalating it further. If you're happy to do that, then what are you hoping to achieve? Do you want to separate if he doesn't apologise? Because personally I don't think it's worth it over one botched evening.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Some babies love routine and if yours is one of them then it makes sense to stick to the plan.

I hate how as a society we seem to applaud men doing the ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM when it comes to looking after their children, where as a woman would be roundly criticised if they did the same. Some of the replies on this thread illustrate this beautifully. We need to expect more of fathers.

He thinks he did the right thing by getting out yesterday to give me space.

Can you go out today "to give him some space"? (DD would stay at home with him)

I can honestly say I don't know any family in real life who allow the father to be like this. My brothers, brothers in law, friends are all hands on. Everyone gets a lie in. Everyone takes time out. It's just normal.

@Wheelerdeeler you say 'allow' like you can force someone into being a good, hands on parent. When someone wants to parent properly they do it because they want to, not because they weren't allowed to be crap. Fwiw my exh was abysmal at parenting when my DD was born. No amount of coercing and leaving her with him improved the situation and I ended up doing it all because her being cared for properly was more important than him 'learning' to get it right.

@LannieDuck this is a good idea

I get you, it's shit because he couldn't be bothered to stick to a routine which works. He couldn't even put a nappy in the right way either.

Love the comments on basic care, from her own father. ohh lol, his own daughter didn't die whilst he looked after her one time. Really? No wonder Mumsnet is full of stories of shit dads doing bugger all when the mothers in here say you're over reacting.

You are the default parent and he just faffs about on the outskirts. You need to ensure he does equal parenting - so do you do bath, moisture etc every night? If so change that sharpish. He's deliberately crap so you always do it.

You should have woken him up for his share of the shit night he created.

[quote GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea]@Wheelerdeeler you say 'allow' like you can force someone into being a good, hands on parent. When someone wants to parent properly they do it because they want to, not because they weren't allowed to be crap. Fwiw my exh was abysmal at parenting when my DD was born. No amount of coercing and leaving her with him improved the situation and I ended up doing it all because her being cared for properly was more important than him 'learning' to get it right. [/quote]
If my dh hadn't been hands in from day 1 there would have been serious discussions and if nothing changed he wouldn't be living here. We both wanted children.

What an utter failure of a man. Deadbeat. He’s goading you now, into accepting his contempt towards you and your kid.

You might be making a rod for your own back with such a strict routine. What are your plans if you go out with DD eg to an event, family or holiday sometime?

That’s not to say that DH shouldn’t share half the parenting work at all, but it might make it harder for you to share as well.

This thread is batshit. Youd think OP was the first person to read to a child, brush their teeth or have a routine.

@BigFatLiar

WTAF are you joking? So he’s never ever said oh let me do that, when you’ve been sorting her or on an early morning or when she’s been dirty and you’ve been in the middle of doing something else...

Perhaps he's worried about getting his head bitten off for not doing it to standard first time.

It is some kind of unachievable standard to put a flipping nappy on the right way around in your world. Bloody hell.

@AllDayHappyHour

Oh jeez ‘I can't count on him to care for DD properly‘ ?? Really?! He cared for her just fine. You need to chill the heck out lady.

What the heck are you planning to do if you go out to dinner or are invited to a wedding? Leave at 4pm so you can be home for the ‘routine’?

He did good and he wanted time with his parents, he didn’t just ‘shove a camera in her face’. I’m so sad for him that you said that. You sound awful.

I say all this as a mum who also has to deal with the little one in the night. Get a grip and BE NICE TO YOUR HUSBAND. Fine, he didn’t stick to the ‘routine’ but there are better ways to deal with the fall out.

Which maybe he should think about.

BTW the 1950s is thataway>>>>>

@WitchWife

Also remind yourself that if you two split up he will have her on his own every week or two. He’s taking you so much for granted it’s actually ridiculous but there are no circumstances in which it’s acceptable to ignore basic needs because the other parent will be along later to do them. There are many many circumstances in which that’s just not the case.

You think?

He'll take her to his mother's.