Page 14 | To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

converseandjeans · 25/10/2020 08:32

I'm amazed at the number of people saying it's fine to ditch the routine, not help with baby in night, then go off in a strop all day.

He provided basic care like a babysitter would. He presumably went on FaceTime in the hope his parents would calm her down. He would have been better off playing/bathing her.

MN is anti routine and you are being accused of micro managing just because it's what works. Yes a routine is restricting but if you then get a full night sleep surely it makes sense?

You need to leave him to it more often

converseandjeans · 25/10/2020 08:35

@1forAll74

Not worth getting in a tizzy about, your little routine rules went haywire, but will be back to normal soon I am sure. Your Husband didn't disobey you, he just did things his way, so nothing wrong with that.

Well yes he did things his way and they went wrong and OP had almost no sleep. So it's directly affected her. She's entitled to 'get in a tizzy'

OhToBeASeahorse · 25/10/2020 08:36

I think @converseandjeans is absolutely right - there is quite an anti routine bent on MN.

How people are also defending the nappy etc is beyond me

Meuniere · 25/10/2020 08:36

I don't want to parent my
DH parenting our DD. Equally I don't want to leave DD when I don't feel comfortable knowing her nappy might not be on properly, importance not being placed on teeth/moisturiser/sticking to her routine etc. The thought of her being sore or wet or uncomfortable, without being able to communicate to DH, upsets me.

@RockWrass that’s where you start by handing over the responsibility when you are at home too. It’s hard because you really want to step up. But you go out of the room and just leave him to it.

FWIW I did the ‘ill leave him with dc on his own and I am going away’ instead. Granted that was for work (I was away for the whole weekend, night Incl) so didn’t need an ‘excuse’. But the reality is that DH learnt. He had to learn how to handle dcs, how to read the fuss and understand why they were doing so. DH absolutely and utterly hated it with a vengeance. But he learnt.
Maybe the eczema cream wasn’t put as often as it should have. I’m sure that he did stuff that would annoy me now (dcs are now older teens and they were babies at the time lol).
But the point is, that faced with being the person responsible he had no choice but to step up. And that’s the only thing that actually made him realise 1- how exhausting looking after a child is 2- actually appreciate the work I was putting in 3- means that he actually took some responsibility in raising them.

Meuniere · 25/10/2020 08:38

@converseandjeans

I'm amazed at the number of people saying it's fine to ditch the routine, not help with baby in night, then go off in a strop all day.

He provided basic care like a babysitter would. He presumably went on FaceTime in the hope his parents would calm her down. He would have been better off playing/bathing her.

MN is anti routine and you are being accused of micro managing just because it's what works. Yes a routine is restricting but if you then get a full night sleep surely it makes sense?

You need to leave him to it more often

I also think that it’s NOT micromanaging when HE agrees that this is the best way to do things. Which the OP’s partner has done again and again.

Nanny0gg · 25/10/2020 08:45

@1forAll74

Not worth getting in a tizzy about, your little routine rules went haywire, but will be back to normal soon I am sure. Your Husband didn't disobey you, he just did things his way, so nothing wrong with that.

Not cleaning teeth and not moisturising a child with eczema is neglectful

Mumoftwo1994 · 25/10/2020 08:47

@RockWrass

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

I think it sounds more to do with the lack of respect it shows, because being a mum is hard and I doubt he even considered the knock on effect the slightest deviation can have.

Nanny0gg · 25/10/2020 08:48

@NewPapaGuinea

Having such a regimented routine doesn’t sound “brilliant” sounds exhausting. Not excusing has lack of skills and investment, but if you want his buy in you need to allow him some slack to parent his way. If you don’t he’ll always find the excuse that if you want it done a certain way then do it yourself.

Its less exhausting than being up half the night.

Some babies thrive on routine. Maybe the OP's is one of them

converseandjeans · 25/10/2020 08:55

nannyogg agree - a routine is exhausting BUT not as exhausting as being woken up every hour.

Meuniere · 25/10/2020 09:06

@NewPapaGuinea, I’ve always had a routine like this with both my dcs.
At the age of OP’s baby, a slight miss would also have led to a baby unable to settle down and a bad nigh.

As far as I am concerned, this was a god sent and certainly not exhausting. I mean the OP has just listed what most parents do in a night time routine. A bit of TV, bath, teeth, story, bed.
I’m struggling to see what’s the issue there.

But then I had my dcs at the height of GIna Ford.... now THAT was an exhausting routine, inflexible etc....
But the two are nowhere near comparable

Original poster

RockWrass · 25/10/2020 09:09

Wow ok, this is certainly not a troll thread and I'm definitely not also posting under @Pumperthepumper
My baby is a baby that thrives on routine. It's not exhausting, it's comforting knowing that if we follow it, she generally sleeps with minimal fuss. Of course it would be great if we didn't need to follow a routine but this is how DD thrives.

OP posts:

Original poster

RockWrass · 25/10/2020 09:19

This morning she woke at 6.30, assuming due to the clock change. DH did get up and take her, change her and sat with her until I got up at 8.

Her nappy was on the right way round, it wasn't as tight as I'd have done it but I didn't say anything and I did also make a point of saying thanks, I appreciate it, DD did you have a lovely time playing with Daddy? I hate the idea of thanking him for parenting his own DD but this thread has made me realise that perhaps he hasn't got much confidence and some positive reinforcement might not go amiss.

We haven't had a proper conversation yet. I went to bed exhausted last night and really just didn't want to talk to him.

OP posts:

notanotheronepleasee · 25/10/2020 09:28

@RockWrass I am completely on your side with this. I don't think that's acceptable.

swansongs · 25/10/2020 09:31

I see it a little bit like this:
Let's say you and DH decided together to get a fancy new car. DH did the research, negotiated the price and went to pick up the car. He also read all the manuals and car magazines about running the car smoothly. DH gave you a routine how to start the car, how to drive it, the sort of petrol, oil etc that it needed, because it's a highly-strung car and he was best placed to know how that car worked best.

For the first few months only DH drove the car. Then one day you needed the car, and you just headed out willy-nilly and ignored all his advice. The car ended up seizing up and you had to call roadside assistance. The car was fine, but it caused a huge hassle and DH had to come rescue you etc etc. Would anyone be surprised if DH was angry? No! Would you have gone off on a strop because he'd got? No! You would have apologized and learned the blasted routine!!!!

OhCaptain · 25/10/2020 09:32

Positive reinforcement? He’s a fucking adult!

YOU had to learn how to take care of her with no thanks. Why can’t he do the same?

I cannot imagine being married to such a gross, overgrown man-baby that I’d have to thank him for parenting his child.

Hopoindown31 · 25/10/2020 09:35

I wish people wouldn't derail with discussions about OP's choice to use routines. That is her business and it appears to work.

The issue is getting her to stop inadvertantly enabling her lazy partner and getting him to actually become the fully capable parent he needs to be. That starts with her expecting more and stepping back so he can get stuck in.

Pumperthepumper · 25/10/2020 09:37

@swansongs

I see it a little bit like this: Let's say you and DH decided together to get a fancy new car. DH did the research, negotiated the price and went to pick up the car. He also read all the manuals and car magazines about running the car smoothly. DH gave you a routine how to start the car, how to drive it, the sort of petrol, oil etc that it needed, because it's a highly-strung car and he was best placed to know how that car worked best.

For the first few months only DH drove the car. Then one day you needed the car, and you just headed out willy-nilly and ignored all his advice. The car ended up seizing up and you had to call roadside assistance. The car was fine, but it caused a huge hassle and DH had to come rescue you etc etc. Would anyone be surprised if DH was angry? No! Would you have gone off on a strop because he'd got? No! You would have apologized and learned the blasted routine!!!!

Except that doesn’t really work at all, the baby has more needs than a car, if the car dies from neglect then it’s a financial burden but not really the end of the world. Also the car doesn’t need the two people who created it to have any kind of bond with it.

Laserbird16 · 25/10/2020 09:40

Well he obviously needs more practice. I'd go out again

CheetasOnFajitas · 25/10/2020 09:41

@LunaLula83

in my experience, men will not do as told. Simple as that. It's easier to just do it all yourself.

How depressing. You are spending time with the wrong men.

CheetasOnFajitas · 25/10/2020 09:43

I did also make a point of saying thanks, I appreciate it

You thanked him for caring for his own child?! You are your own worst enemy OP.

grapewine · 25/10/2020 09:43

@ContraIndicated

How the fuck does this meet the definition of ‘met her basic needs’? He put the nappy on wrong, didn’t give her milk, didn’t brush her teeth, didn’t treat her eczema. She’s 9 months old, how does he still not know how to put a nappy on? Because he avoids giving her basic care. I’d be furious.

I thought the same. Especially the nappy. Christ alive, sometimes there's a low bar for fathers on here.

This is also why I don't have children. I wouldn't be able to be cool about not being able to trust the other parent to actually be one.

BillMasen · 25/10/2020 09:45

@LunaLula83

in my experience, men will not do as told. Simple as that. It's easier to just do it all yourself.

In my experience women won’t do as they’re told. They should listen to me, I’m the expert, and just do what I tell them.

Idiot

grapewine · 25/10/2020 09:50

Well, it's something that he actually knows how to put on a nappy correctly. I guess. But positive reinforcement? Like PP said, he's a damn grown up!

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 25/10/2020 09:55

MN is anti routine and you are being accused of micro managing just because it's what works.

I think this is true. It's bizarre that when there are so many parents here, there isn't a baseline understanding of the fact that all babies are different. Some are relaxed and easy and can go with the flow, some have a loose expectation of roughly the same things in the same order but can be pushed round the clock an hour or two if you're out or away or stuff happens, and some need the exact same routine to be executed with military precision if they're not to fall apart at the seams and keep you up all night. You don't get as much choice about which type yours is as some posters seem to imagine. I often wonder if the polarised debate on here is because more and more people are having only one child.

Wheelerdeeler · 25/10/2020 09:59

He didn't change a poo nappy as he didn't get paternity leave. Are you for real???? The baby exists 24/7 in the same house as her father and he never changed a poo nappy!

You have taken over everything and now he doesn't want to / can't do it.

She's 9 months. How did it get this way???