To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

I think the general advice you’re getting OP is to also stop caring for your nine-month old - stop changing her nappies and brushing her teeth and reading to her and moisturising her skin.

That’s the only way her father, of nearly a full year, will learn.

Sound advice. Do that 👍

Bloody hell id be pissed too. Primary carer does not mean only carer with an occasional hold from an otherwise useless partner. Time to swap the routine op. He does moisturiser and pyjamas a couple of nights a week, if he is at home with baby and then they are ‘mysteriously wakeful‘ he does a night shift, he can cook dinner once a weekend as prep for your return to work.

I always did no nappy changes at all the first few days after baby was born which set up a reasonable balance! He did have the odd shit moment of course but I would point out that pushing baby out didn’t come with an instant parenting download to the brain and he’d work it out.

Had this aplenty with my husband! Some babies are fine without a routine, our son's really benefited from the same type of things you have in place. For me it just meant that I had a good sleep most nights from about 3 months on and that was very precious to me and them. You work so hard to establish this every day and it feels like they don't care enough when it comes to their turn. The real lesson I learned is that if you do everything you make a rod for your back. Please try not to do everything for him, he sounds like he is perfectly capable and must know his actions had an effect on your sleep and your little ones temperament by now? As the weeks and months go on you will need to be other places such as work etc...if he wants to have quality time with his little one and support you all he has to do is keep up the good stuff you have in place when you are away and bobs his uncle. Try and have a chat about it calmly - you have a long road ahead with other stuff like your individual ideas on things dicipline etc...this will seem like a walk in the park! All the best

He should be able to adequately perform basic care for his child on the one occasion he is called on to do it.

Next time, leave him to it for the night as well, let him see how much trouble it causes him.

Then remind, if you leave him, then he'll be full time caring, all alone fr whole weekends at a time

@Pumperthepumper

I think the general advice you’re getting OP is to also stop caring for your nine-month old - stop changing her nappies and brushing her teeth and reading to her and moisturising her skin.

That’s the only way her father, of nearly a full year, will learn.

Sound advice. Do that 👍

No. Supervise the lazy git while he learns.

Then at least he'll be able to do it properly

Putting the nappy on the wrong way round is pathetic but tooth brushing and reading a bedtime story is just not necessary for a nine-month-old. I’ve never heard of that before.
That's ridiculous. If a baby has teeth, whatever age they are the teeth need brushing. Mine got their first ones at 11 and 13 months so we started brushing then. Why would a 9 month old with teeth not need to have them brushed?

And we read to them from about a month old. I don't know anyone who didn't do that.

@funnylittlefloozie

OP, does your DH have some sort of cognitive difficulties that would mean he doesnt understand how to put on a nappy? If he doesnt have cognitive problems, he is a lazy tosser and you really need to figure out a way to tackle his behaviour before you end up resenting him.

I love this. The idea that a man could be so stupid as to not know to put in a nappy correctly when he has been a father for 9 months is just breathtaking. And the utter brazen fuckwittery of feeling no guilt at never changing a pooey nappy- it almost makes me think this must be a troll thread? Could any man really be that much of a twat?

can't count on him to care for DD properly.

You mean, care for her the way you do. It’s a bit of a stretch to say he didn’t do it properly.

Perhaps he doesn’t understand why you think it needs to be done the way it is. Perhaps he doesn’t agree on such a strict routine for babies. His way might be different but that doesn’t make it wrong.

Regardless, you both need to agree on which way you want to raise your child, and he should have as much a say in the process as you do.

I think you are both being unreasonable, him probably more so.

I was not a fan of strict routines that cannot be deviated from- it becomes a nightmare if it can’t be stuck to (for a valid reason, or otherwise) and I hated being so restrictive so I gave up- we had a vague routine/times we’d aim for but not set in stone. I’m not suggesting you are wrong to have a routine if it works for your family, but if my DH had instituted such a strict routine and gone off on one when it had not been stuck to as instructed, I wouldn’t be overly impressed.

I don’t think it’s fair to say he could not FaceTime his parents if he wanted to or felt he needed help (though the fact he needed help may be an issue). He should not have left her wet and definitely should know how to change a nappy by the time your child is 9 months old though. And I can see that the change meant you were up through the night, which is exhausting, and could have been avoided.

He does appear to need to do more with her if he can’t yet change a nappy. But it may be worth trying to work out why he doesn’t- is it laziness or lack of confidence (or both)? I have a friend who is very exacting in her standards and tends to take over the second her DH (or anyone else) does not do things as specified. Her husband appears very reluctant to do much hands on with their children (something she complains about a bit) but I do wonder how much of that is because he gets reprimanded a lot and so he lacks confidence/feels “why bother?” and how much is because he’s being a lazy arse. I wouldn’t have said he was lazy/arse-like in general (although I know you don’t really know what goes on behind closed doors).

@slightlyunhinged, hopefully after 9 months though you would have got the hang of it. This lazy git hasn't

I commented on the first or second page, but also wanted to say that my exh would ALWAYS do this.

You couldn’t leave him with a small dc in the afternoon without him “persuading” (Jiggling etc) them to sleep right them and there so that his bit of time was so much easier, ie he just had to sit there with them on his chest.

Then I’d come back from whatever I was doing and of course had to take over doing everything that should have been done in that time, plus have a child up all hours because of the nap.

So infuriating.

He’s a bloody idiot. Obviously panicked which suggests he does very little of the heavy lifting on childcare usually. I’d have more sympathy if they’d been playing or out for a walk and lost track of time, but the FaceTime showing off is really not buying my understanding. Hi could have rescued it by bringing you endless cups of coffee and general making up for it today, but stropping off for a full day knowing you haven’t slept is shit even if it wasn’t his fault (which it was).

Unless the nappy was a pull-up, I wonder how he actually functions in day to day life!

No. Supervise the lazy git while he learns.

He doesn't want to learn though. He said he doesn't need to know this stuff as OP is the primary carer. It's his attitude that's the problem, not his skillset.

Should have set the standard you expected from him from day 1 in afraid! You've never left her for more than three hours. You've never made him change a poo!
I was in hospital for major surgery when my son was 9 months old. Daddy did a fabulous job, always had and always does. But there was a very open conversation that took place as soon as we found out that we were pregnant, that this parenting was completely 50:50.
Sorry but you need to stop enabling him!

Not worth getting in a tizzy about, your little routine rules went haywire, but will be back to normal soon I am sure. Your Husband didn't disobey you, he just did things his way, so nothing wrong with that.

No, no, I stand by the ‘calm down a bit’, @Pumperthepumper, I had and have no idea of your sex...

You have made many, many posts directed at many PP and you seem a little over invested. Unless you are the OP by another name?

You leapt on me talking about routine and started on about nappies. I should probably anticipate a fairly aggressive response to this, too.

@Rotundandhappy

No, no, I stand by the ‘calm down a bit’, *@Pumperthepumper*, I had and have no idea of your sex...

You have made many, many posts directed at many PP and you seem a little over invested. Unless you are the OP by another name?

You leapt on me talking about routine and started on about nappies. I should probably anticipate a fairly aggressive response to this, too.

I haven’t been in any way aggressive.

in my experience, men will not do as told. Simple as that. It's easier to just do it all yourself.

I would've woken up DH at least half the time DD woke up that night.

@LunaLula83

in my experience, men will not do as told. Simple as that. It's easier to just do it all yourself.

He doesn't need to do as he's told.

He should want to know his daughter's night time routine & care enough to know that she needs cream putting on.

"Why would I remember the moisturiser when I'm not the primary carer?"

That is heartbreaking.

Does he actually love his daughter?

Having such a regimented routine doesn’t sound “brilliant” sounds exhausting. Not excusing has lack of skills and investment, but if you want his buy in you need to allow him some slack to parent his way. If you don’t he’ll always find the excuse that if you want it done a certain way then do it yourself.

@Pumperthepumper 12 posts pouncing on PPs and going on about the nappies. Yeah, you’re breezy. You randomly said ‘Jesus. Does his father change his nappies?’ to me when I was talking about routine.

Incidentally, I’m not defending this father’s actions, he’s classically lazy and deferring to the mother constantly. We’ve been slightly drip fed about the paternity leave and the nappies.

But...OP has to relinquish some control in order for him to step up. He won’t do things to her exacting standards, but that’s ok. My H does things his way.

And it was only 6:20pm. The routine could have been continued with. And he offered to stay with the baby but she said no. There’s being a put-upon parent with a lazy teammate and there’s being a martyr.

Tell him he needs to step up and allow him to do it. Step back. He will get it wrong and find his own ways of doing things and it will be fine. He won’t actively seek to harm your daughter.

@NewPapaGuinea put it much more succinctly than I did. But basically what they said.

It is incidents like this, that make you realise how little he is contributing to the evening routine, some men never understand how the household runs smoothly, they just accept that it does, because they never have to do it.
He needs to be involved when he is there, my dad was always involved in bedtime, because we wouldn't have seen much of him otherwise, and that was in the 50s! That's how a child /father relationship develops.

[quote Rotundandhappy]@Pumperthepumper 12 posts pouncing on PPs and going on about the nappies. Yeah, you’re breezy. You randomly said ‘Jesus. Does his father change his nappies?’ to me when I was talking about routine.

Incidentally, I’m not defending this father’s actions, he’s classically lazy and deferring to the mother constantly. We’ve been slightly drip fed about the paternity leave and the nappies.

But...OP has to relinquish some control in order for him to step up. He won’t do things to her exacting standards, but that’s ok. My H does things his way.

And it was only 6:20pm. The routine could have been continued with. And he offered to stay with the baby but she said no. There’s being a put-upon parent with a lazy teammate and there’s being a martyr.

Tell him he needs to step up and allow him to do it. Step back. He will get it wrong and find his own ways of doing things and it will be fine. He won’t actively seek to harm your daughter.[/quote]
I think the nappies are fairly important to remember when name-calling the OP for trying to do her best for her baby. It’s unfair to call her a martyr when the alternative is nobody changing the baby’s nappy, in order to teach the baby’s father a lesson.

He also said he doesn’t need to learn to look after her because it’s the OP’s job as the mother.

You don’t know he won’t actively seek to harm his daughter - he already didn’t put cream on her eczema. I don’t know if you’ve ever had that - it’s very sore.

So just how much suffering should the OP allow this 9 month old baby to go through while he learns?