To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

@Rockchick1984

Not your point I know, but if she suffers from eczema then YABU to bath her every day, this will hugely aggravate it - weekly baths and a wipe down with a flannel on the other days!

@Rockchick1984 different routines are prescribed for different types of eczema. My son was quick daily 5 min shower and moisturize daily else his skin will start to flake. We needed to wash his skin with lukewarm water and pat dry. We were under the care of a consultant dermatologist at the time. It helped a lot as we were bathing every other day previously. So glad it is over.

I think this is about more than just that one night of the routine being messed up. It sounds like you resent him in general, perhaps because he's not pulling his weight at other times too?
The fact he hasn't changed a dirty nappy in 9 months and panics when being left to care for his child suggests that you do most of the childcare and he does very little. Yes he works but so does my DH and he knows what to do with our 4 month old. Maybe let him look after baby more often?

@thethoughtfox

This has nowt to do with your AIBU but consider less baths. We went down to one or two baths a week and eczema completely cleared up.

Off topic again, my son has very dry skin on his face since starting weaning. Bathing everyday doesn’t seem to cause a problem but your comment got me thinking. I have to dab / splash clean his face after eating but I wonder if this is also making the rash/soreness worse...? How could I avoid this?

Maybe let him look after baby more often?

Ohhhhh so much of this on this parenting website! ‘Didn’t do it the way the OP wanted’ ‘let him’ ‘wasn’t to your standard’ - as if the OP is the only parent and the baby’s actual father is some kind of help who hasn’t read the instructions properly.

It’s such a catch-22 too, the OP either stops caring for her nine month old baby to match the useless father - in which case neither changes the dirty nappies or looks after their sore skin, or brushes their teeth or reads to them - or she does it all, and is accused of enabling him. As if he doesn’t realise that babies need to be cleaned after a poo, or moisturised so their excema doesn’t bleed or have their teeth cleaned.

He knows. He just doesn’t want to.

@Pumperthepumper

Maybe let him look after baby more often?

Ohhhhh so much of this on this parenting website! ‘Didn’t do it the way the OP wanted’ ‘let him’ ‘wasn’t to your standard’ - as if the OP is the only parent and the baby’s actual father is some kind of help who hasn’t read the instructions properly.

It’s such a catch-22 too, the OP either stops caring for her nine month old baby to match the useless father - in which case neither changes the dirty nappies or looks after their sore skin, or brushes their teeth or reads to them - or she does it all, and is accused of enabling him. As if he doesn’t realise that babies need to be cleaned after a poo, or moisturised so their excema doesn’t bleed or have their teeth cleaned.

He knows. He just doesn’t want to.

This with bells on. I don't want to parent my DH parenting our DD. Equally I don't want to leave DD when I don't feel comfortable knowing her nappy might not be on properly, importance not being placed on teeth/moisturiser/sticking to her routine etc. The thought of her being sore or wet or uncomfortable, without being able to communicate to DH, upsets me.

It is a catch 22.

He sounds like a useless manchild good luck with putting up with him op

You can't have tried though if he's never changed a dirty nappy

This is why my four month old doesn’t have such an exacting routine. You all get in a complete state when it’s deviated from.

We aim for bath, milk, bed by 7 at the latest. Dream feed at 11. He does sleep through, so we’re very, very lucky, and isn’t fussed by napping in various locations. That was luck rather than by design, I must admit. I’m not very precious about him even though he’s my first. 😬

I'd be pissed off, more by his reaction than what happened in the first place.

If he was sorry, time got away from him etc and sorted it out and got up with the baby in the night when I'd think fair enough, we all have days where something happens and we are not able to be the parent we want, or even can't be arsed to be the parent we want, but we make up for it later.

But it sounds like he just did what suited him, who gives a fuck about nappy rash or sore skin, and who gives a fuck the wife is going to be up all night

I’m not very precious about him even though he’s my first.

Jesus. Does his father change his dirty nappies?

OP, does your DH have some sort of cognitive difficulties that would mean he doesnt understand how to put on a nappy? If he doesnt have cognitive problems, he is a lazy tosser and you really need to figure out a way to tackle his behaviour before you end up resenting him.

I cant believe he put the nappy on the wrong way and she is 9 months old. That would have pissed me off more than anything plus everyone know you don't let baby nap before bed. He needs to do a few more evenings.

Wow. Some of these replies clearly haven't had a baby in a routine!

You are not overreacting.

I found this so frustrating, more so with my mother when she had my little boy she'd do a completely different routine to what she knows he has. Just try and reiterate her routine and express the importance (well hopefully the lack of sleep taught him that!). I will say though it gets easier, routine becomes a bit more lax (I've learnt this recently, I would give my 1 year old his meals/milk/sleep by the minute. I'm now so much more relaxed and feel this bounces of my little boy too.

Putting the nappy on the wrong way round is pathetic but tooth brushing and reading a bedtime story is just not necessary for a nine-month-old. I’ve never heard of that before.

@Pumperthepumper Calm your jets.
From what the OP posted it sounds like she looks after the baby the majority of the time and leaving her with DH for 2 hours was an exception rather than the norm. So he doesn't get much practice. How can he be an equal parent if he never gets the opportunity to learn.

People in general need to deal with the consequences of their actions. He messed up and so should have stayed up half the night dealing with it. Little point in complaining. He needs to experience the exhaustion. That way he won't make the same mistake again. Yanbu. He should have got up for the night if he didn't bother following the routine.

@RockWrass Well then leave him. Or stay and feel resentful. I don't really know what else to suggest.

[quote oncloudnine]@Pumperthepumper Calm your jets.
From what the OP posted it sounds like she looks after the baby the majority of the time and leaving her with DH for 2 hours was an exception rather than the norm. So he doesn't get much practice. How can he be an equal parent if he never gets the opportunity to learn. [/quote]
Sure. It’s so likely that the OP loves changing dirty nappies so much that she just can’t stand to share the joy with the baby’s father.

It’s really all her fault that he doesn’t know about teeth needing brushed and skin needing cared for. She’s so selfish. These things are definitely not just common sense for any parent.

OP, just reading your post brought back so many memories that I could feel the tension rising in my chest. Your post encapsulates my OH. Our children are older now but I never worked out how to avoid the scenario you described. It really is a Catch 22. Husband didn't look after the children enough to get good at it, but whenever I left him to look after them he screwed up. 100% of the time. And, like you, I wasn't looking for perfection, not at all! I feel for you and have been through this, and never worked out the solution. I would look with envy at friends of mine whose partners seemed to know instinctively how to be an effective co-parent. Mine never could. If I got angry, it only made things worse, so in the end I just did everything and seldom went out. It's left a lot of bitterness.

@Pumperthepumper calm yourself down a bit, you’re going on and on about the nappies. I was merely commenting on the routine element, not OP’s H’s nappy changing ability.

Yes, my H does tonnes of nappies.

OP’s H sounds a bit rubbish and vague and like he hasn’t done much child rearing. We’re still waiting to learn if that’s because he refuses to get involved or because OP has just chosen to take the lead or because she would rather control the baby’s routine and so finds it easier to do everything herself. That would be martyrdom but nevermind, we don’t know the situation there.

Bloody hell, I only read the first paste but I am depressed at the number of ‘meh, men are just a bit shit, don’t get hysterical
About it love’ posts.

I’d be pissed off too OP. He knows that there is a bloody routine and that you were expecting her to be Actually looked after like normal. Not merely kept alive, and then all the tough bits saved up for when you got home because you are the default parent.

[quote Rotundandhappy]@Pumperthepumper calm yourself down a bit, you’re going on and on about the nappies. I was merely commenting on the routine element, not OP’s H’s nappy changing ability.

Yes, my H does tonnes of nappies.

OP’s H sounds a bit rubbish and vague and like he hasn’t done much child rearing. We’re still waiting to learn if that’s because he refuses to get involved or because OP has just chosen to take the lead or because she would rather control the baby’s routine and so finds it easier to do everything herself. That would be martyrdom but nevermind, we don’t know the situation there.[/quote]
Its very misogynistic to tell someone to calm down. Do better.

I am calm, thanks, just gobsmacked that there are so many parents on here that think meeting a baby’s basic needs is something reserved only for mothers. Not to mention the idea that doing everything because the father won’t = martyrdom but neither of them doing any of the basic care = neglect.

@BigFatLiar

WTAF are you joking? So he’s never ever said oh let me do that, when you’ve been sorting her or on an early morning or when she’s been dirty and you’ve been in the middle of doing something else...

Perhaps he's worried about getting his head bitten off for not doing it to standard first time.

Yeah I agree with this. He is actually the child's parent too, so let him parent.

To be fair, I totally get the nappy on back to front thing. I once baby sat my nephew and his nappy needed changing. Me and DH have been unable to have children so not a whole lot of experience. I started off OK, but I couldn't get the fecking thing to stay up. The packet even had pictures on to show you what to do - they were no help at getting it on with no gaping at the waist. When my brother came home he laughed like a drain and told me it was on back to front. I have never felt more like a maiden aunt!

Maybe next time leave him a step by step what needs doing a what time to stick to the routine. X