To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

Probably got lots of slaps on the back from his parents for "babysitting" his own child "such a good daddy"

OP I really don't think you expected too much. It sounds like strategic incompetence to me, something some men seem to perfect. Have a good few days with your parents and make it clear next time your DH looks after DD that basic things like changing nappies and moisturising for eczema are non-negotiable as part of caring for a small baby.

OP checked under pressure from you?

Have you never FaceTimed while looking after your daughter?

Honestly, if I'd have walked in and he said "RockWrass, DD has been a nightmare. I've fed her but not managed to do much else. I've let her nap now as I panicked and didn't know what to do. Could you give me a hand? Just FYI, her teeth haven't been done and she needs her moisturiser" things would be totally different.

I didn't come in and lose the plot when I saw her sleeping. My first thought was actually, is she ok? as I assumed DH would've put her to sleep as a last resort, not intentionally done it because... well I don't really know why and neither does he.

I didn't come in, guns blazing and ask "DH, have you done her teeth? Has she read a story? How long did you FaceTime for?" Im not the Spanish Inquisition. I noticed her toothbrush hadn't been touched where I left it (on the side of the bath, for ease) and then asked if they'd been done. When I took her to do her teeth he said that he'd forgotten to do her moisturiser as well so I should do that. It was only when I asked what DD and Daddy got up to that he said he'd been on FaceTime, she was grumpy and I asked how long for? then he said no idea and checked his call log.

Ah you sound stressed and worn down by this. When DD was a baby if there was one thing I would have done earlier it would have been to accept my way was not the only way and that other people could also take care of her.

I don’t think you are wrong for having a routine or expecting your OH to parent as well as you would. But he needs to know you expect him to step up. I fully get that it’s more mental load and it’s hard but he needs to be competent in parenting his child. No night shifts? No shitty nappies? I get that he works but unless that’s 7 days a week he has time in his life for taking some more parenting responsibility!

You seem to be carrying some resentment - your comment on showing off his skills to his parents. Are you feeling resentful of him and is this colouring your view of your interactions?

@BillMasen

OP checked under pressure from you?

Have you never FaceTimed while looking after your daughter?

Of course I have. But if DD is grizzling and upset, my first thought would be to end the call and tend to her, not continue.

You'd have been much better off to not have the argument and just make him deal with getting her to sleep and as many of the wake ups as possible given the normal pattern of you breastfeeding. It sounds like he was daft and you were unnecessarily harsh in the argument. Natural consequences would be better - mostly because it's not you dealing with it or creating an issue. Instead it's clear that it's his problem that he created.

@BillMasen

OP checked under pressure from you?

Have you never FaceTimed while looking after your daughter?

OP have you ever changed your daughter’s dirty nappy?

I think that whilst he didn’t do some things brilliantly (nappy) the rest is just not what you would have done. Let him make his own mistakes and learn from them just as I presume you did.

You say you would stop a call and see to her. What if he thought it would entertain her and help? Why was he wrong to try?

@BillMasen

I think that whilst he didn’t do some things brilliantly (nappy) the rest is just not what you would have done. Let him make his own mistakes and learn from them just as I presume you did.

You say you would stop a call and see to her. What if he thought it would entertain her and help? Why was he wrong to try?

He’s never changed his own kid’s dirty nappy. Ever.

What would you call that?

OP totally sympathise with you and agree with everything you say. I've got an 8 month old and in a similar situation whereby we have a routine that supports everyone's happiness but it does have some flexibility.

I would be disappointed with your husband. But I think you need to let him get on with more and then he can learn as he goes. Breastfeeding is so lovely (I'm EBF too) but it makes it hard for anyone to take over. You can't just go out for the day. But you can have more time 'off' in the house at weekends and during nights. Just say you really need it and will he step up this Sunday or whatever. That isn't unreasonable.

All those saying OP over reacted and that he will learn from his mistakes. NO he won't though will he because all the following consequences ( awake and unsettled throughout the night) fell to the OP. And when she dared to talk about it he storms off like a petulant teenager. Next time (if there is one) OP let him deal with the aftermath. We kept DS to a fairly strict routine for the first 12-18 months and feel this helped later on with regards to bedtimes etc.

And anyone who thinks reading is pointless for young babies the research says otherwise.

@BillMasen

I think that whilst he didn’t do some things brilliantly (nappy) the rest is just not what you would have done. Let him make his own mistakes and learn from them just as I presume you did.

You say you would stop a call and see to her. What if he thought it would entertain her and help? Why was he wrong to try?

While he's 'learning from his mistakes' a mostly happy baby becomes a tired, grizzley, clingy bundle.

So best not to do that really.

I wouldn't be surprised if the facetiming his parents was a virtual handhold cos he shat himself at the prospect of looking after his own baby. Even though he had/has plenty opportunities outside of work and paternity leave (!) - evenings, weekends, annual leave, heck he's working from home I bet he could grab a break/lunch and familiarise himself with his own offspring once in a while - if he wanted to.

Op I get it , my DH once woke DS up when he went into the room to get something despite me telling him not to. I got so angry at him because I had to deal with the fallout from that.

However, your dd is 9 months - how can he not know how to change nappies? And never changed pooey nappies???

I made a deal with my husband early on that since I was doing all feeds he can do all nappies when he's at home. So weekends and after work, he does all nappies. You need to delegate more to DH and let him do it

I think people are being a bit harsh here.

Yes, he didn’t do it the way the op wanted. Yes the baby had a grizzly night. But she got home at six twenty there was no need to feed her and try to get her straight to sleep again. She could easily have stayed up a bit later.

This woman is saying her marriage is in trouble, folks are egging her on, saying yeah, yeah, he’s shit, and doing their best to end her marriage.

This isn’t an episode of east Enders, she’s not here to provide live entertainment.

Op. Look. The baby didn’t come to any harm, yes it wasn’t ideal, yes he did it differently to you, yes you do it better, but is it really worth this war? Seriously?

Ignore the posters sticking it to him, they aren’t doing it with your best interests at heart. They are grabbing hold of your marriage and breaking it in two.

@Bluntness100

I think people are being a bit harsh here.

Yes, he didn’t do it the way the op wanted. Yes the baby had a grizzly night. But she got home at six twenty there was no need to feed her and try to get her straight to sleep again. She could easily have stayed up a bit later.

This woman is saying her marriage is in trouble, folks are egging her on, saying yeah, yeah, he’s shit, and doing their best to end her marriage.

This isn’t an episode of east Enders, she’s not here to provide live entertainment.

Op. Look. The baby didn’t come to any harm, yes it wasn’t ideal, yes he did it differently to you, yes you do it better, but is it really worth this war? Seriously?

Ignore the posters sticking it to him, they aren’t doing it with your best interests at heart. They are grabbing hold of your marriage and breaking it in two.

Oh hello Bluntness!

He has never changed his nine month old’s dirty nappy. What kind of father is that?

Yes bluntness because you know exactly how I think

He has never changed his nine month old’s dirty nappy. What kind of father is that?

Agree, that’s shit, is that because he refuses?

Eh, that would be, the post wasn’t about you

@Bluntness100

He has never changed his nine month old’s dirty nappy. What kind of father is that?

Agree, that’s shit, is that because he refuses?

Eh, that would be, the post wasn’t about you

I don’t know what that second line means.

Is it because he refuses? As opposed to what?

So he did a poor job then fucked off out leaving you to parent a grumpy child on shit sleep. What a twat. Suggest you leave him woth some milk and have your own flounce and get him up every night wake. What. A. Twat.

the baby had a grizzly night wow, that's a 1st class lesson in minimising

And who paid for that? Oh yes, the mother by being woken every 90 mins. And who had a day off as he stomped out leaving baby behind? The father!!

Minimise away, but it's obvious who the fault is with

You are not overreacting he did a shit job.he is her dad,he knows her routine and he fucked it up and left you to deal with it. Hes a dick and should get you flowers and chocolate at the least.

Had I walked in and DH said "RockWrass, she's been a nightmare. I didn't really know what to do with her so I've put her off to sleep for the minute. She's not had her teeth or moisturiser done. Could you give me a hand?" things would be totally, totally different. If there was a "oh shit, I'm sorry I fucked up, I'm sorry you had a rough night with her" again, things would be different.
DH is maintaining that he did no wrong whatsoever, that DD survived, no harm done. I'm really trying hard to make him see the bigger picture here but he just doesn't get it. "Why would I remember the moisturiser when I'm not the primary carer?" "It's no big deal her nappy was on wrong - you came home and sorted it."
It's really not about last night anymore. I'm shattered, I'm upset with DHs reaction and I feel so much responsibility. SIL once said (about her ex) that it's easier to parent on your own than it is with a useless partner and that's exactly what I feel right now.

I do feel really down and despondent at the moment. Things haven't been great between us for a while and honestly this is the cherry on the cake.

Now is it a case of relationship not been great atm so your DH is pulling away and is choosing ‘to hole up’ instead of doing some tidying up/putting ds to bed etc..
Or is that the fact he is lazy and is refusing to act as an adult, a father and a partner that is putting strain on your relationship.

Depending on the reason, how to address the issue and improve things will be different iywim.