To think this gift wasn’t offensive?

[Steppingonpegg]

So it’s been a hard 18 months. One of the things is DC age 3 has been diagnosed with autism. I’ve found it hard, everyone has been upset and confused but we’re getting there. I’m his biggest fan, biggest advocate of course. It’s getting easier, slowly.

I got DMIL a gift. It’s a key ring that says ‘We’re just Dancing In The Dark’. You, me, all of us. Love your Steven’ (DC isn’t actually a Steven for the record )

Anyway, MIL took it out at her birthday tea and said ‘oh’. Lovely. Then I thought nothing of it and thought she hasn’t read it properly. She’s a Springsteen fan like myself.

Got home later that evening and she’s text H to say how could nobody get her anything proper this year. Where are her usual flowers? She said ‘you know I don’t like gifts. That’s why I just say get flowers. I’m shocked you think so little of me’.

AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring? I felt so sad she didn’t see the message behind it

Also, I got a beaded panda keyring from Edinburgh Zoo years ago. It's since broken. I would be over the moon if someone got me a replacement!

@MitziK

A keyring?

You gave her a keyring?

It's not offensive. It's fucking shit.

@MitziK

Comport yourself.

@MitziK

A keyring?

You gave her a keyring?

It's not offensive. It's fucking shit.

@Steppingonpegg ignore this ridiculous comment. I once get (now ex) MIL a key ring with "worlds best granny" and all her grqndkids names on. She was overjoyed and still has it years later. It is not a shit gift

I'm a bit split. My mum and dad are really into sentimental stuff like that "World's best gran" keyrings, fridge magnets, etc go down a treat with them. I don't think my MIL would be the same, which I respect because I wouldn't either lol.

This wasn't mil's only present. She has been taken out for an expensive dinner by her son. The keyring and chocs were from the grandchildren.
I think it's rude to complain. And I once got a box of ugly placemats that were clearly a last minute regift. I still had the manners to say thank you and not tell them it wasn't good enough. There was thought here and if your mil was any deeper than a puddle, she would have appreciated it.
The dinner was her proper gift.

I'd not like that gift and would feel obligated to use it even though which is the worst sort of gift.

That said, it's not good manners to complain and even when someone gives me shit, pointless gifts, you appreciate the sentiment behind it, smile, say thank you and then sneak it off to a charity shop as soon as you can. Complaining about it is not really the done thing, Maybe gently asking to swop something if it can be swopped and you're close enough to the person but definitely not OK to complain.

Or she is putting down a marker that she didn’t like it to stop years and years of future gifts that she wouldn’t like

I think you MIL was rude.

Your DH, her son, took her out for a fancy dinner for her birthday in advance, which she loves to do by her own admission.

You bought her what you genuinely believed was a thoughtful gift based on something SHE said to YOU in a teary way, AND your knowledge of her collection of novelty keyrings. AND you added a box of lovely chocolates.

She already had 5 big bunches of flowers from others.

She had all of you there to celebrate.

And she moaned.

She was rude. But at least now you know going forward not to bother.

I'm glad your DH pulled her up on it.

I like vouchers or my usual face stuff as gifts from DH. Last year he didn’t get that and instead did something else he thought I’d love. I didn’t really like it loads but I wouldn’t have stropped to him or not at least acknowledged how thoughtful it was

So why oh why did you then do exactly the same to your MIL? I have had it with present buying, I'd rather not give or receive anymore to be honest, for most adult people and situations. Too much is around the giver and how it makes THEM feel. For years and years when my kids were little and I wasn't working and so skint and no spare money to buy myself what I wanted, I told everyone each year that I would love book tokens for Christmas. I didn't want anything else but that. Just about everyone protested "oh that's not a proper present!" and got me something else instead that I didn't want or need.

I don't think they realised at the time how little money I had. Buying books of my choice after mooching round a book shop was a pure luxury to me, so when I received a gift that WASN'T a book token, (ie. every Christmas and birthday!) it did upset me a bit each time to be honest. Sod the "it's the thought that counts" way of thinking - in my situation people had dismissed what I wanted and thought they knew better - THAT was their "thought"!

Similar things are going on this year when I've mentioned to relatives that we want a low key Christmas and aren't fussed about receiving adult presents this year. I said that if they really wanted to do something then give a donation to charity on my behalf or something. And I would still buy them whatever they wanted. But no, I've had comments such as "Oh, no, I LIKE buying people presents - I love all the Christmas shopping, and the wrapping with Christmas music on and a drink etc"

For some people it appears that it's really not about giving the receiver what they want.

That said, OP, I get that you thought it would mean the same to your MIL as it does to you, but it does appear that you thought that becuase it's a gift that YOU would like to receive yourself, then others might too. I think a lot of people do this. It's really hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes and know exactly what THEY would love. It's what makes Christmas shopping so stressful. It's that times 15 or 20 or however many adults you need to buy for. It gets silly and makes it unenjoyable.

Re: a keyring idea. If this was me, I wouldn't use the key ring. I might appreciate the sentiment on it but I have a perfectly good key ring that I've used for years, I simply wouldn't need another one unless I needed one for another set of keys.

Your MIL shouldn't have said anything though. I accept all gifts graciously.

I cant bear this stuff...we've all had gifts that weren't our cup of tea. Whatever happened to just smiling saying "Thank you" and getting on with things.

My Mum is not a great gift giver in the sense that I like books and she always gets me something else I'm not keen on. I wouldn't dream of saying anything. Its nice to be thought of and anyway she gets me a gift because she genuinely think I'll like it what's wrong with that?

The good thing out of all this is that now you know you don't know her or her tastes, you can drop this bit of wifework and leave it to your husband both to buy the gift, and to field any discontent. This is actually a win in my opinion!

It’s a thoughtful gift. Sounds like mil likes show gifts... take a photo of ‘all the flowers my family got me’ post on social media and lots of attention. Can’t post a key ring with a quote no one else will get. Chalk it up to experience and leave it. Although I’d Make sure flowers were her least favourite but then I’m quite childish!

@MitziK

A keyring?

You gave her a keyring?

It's not offensive. It's fucking shit.

This is just incredibly rude. Its not a shit gift, it's just one your MIL didn't appreciate. I wouldn't get her anything next year with her attitude tbh. Even if she didn't like it, it's such poor manners to actually tell the gift giver. I wouldn't have got her flowers and just left her to it

I can't believe so many people are being absolute dicks about the gift. It was thoughtful! She obviously likes keyrings. You remembered something special to her to put on it. She was SO cheeky to say what she did.. Wtf 😔 don't bother in future.

And my son saying this on a key ring, the most obvious person dancing in the dark, was a nice sentiment

I think one of the cheesiest things about it is this - it is not your 3 year old son saying it though is it? It’s you putting words in his mouth and trying to make it sound like something really profound and emotional.

i wouldnt have got the flowers after that text its like a child haveing a strop then getting their own way

i havent liked everysingle present ive got but i dont complain about them

Everyone knows that some presents are a hit, some aren’t. Sometimes the presents you think are crap are really well received. Some presents you think are special aren’t a success. Everyone knows this. What is totally off is your MIL’s spoilt brat attitude. She needs to learn some manners.

I think the key ring is about you (and your DS) is it something she would usually use or appreciate? Perhaps you would like it, but she likes flowers and it’s about her

This was my thought too. We have a daughter with severe LD, and the last thing I or my mil would want from a birthday gift is a reminder of it. I think she might just be upset and think you should cut her some slack. I'd think it a bit strange for a birthday gift too.

I’d have probably got a pendant with the words on rather than a keyring. I’m sorry but a keyring is a terrible gift.

*You gave her a keyring?

It's not offensive. It's fucking shit*

Oh shush OP feels bad enough already. I gave late DM a silver engraved keyring with a nice message and she liked it a lot.

OP I think she's being weird. Even if she didn't get the lyric or thought it was an odd choice to put on a present I would have thought it was clear that you'd tried by getting something that looks nice and has a personalisation. If someone's tried to do something thoughtful, even if they got it wrong, you say thank you surely!

So your MIL had a meal out at an expensive restaurant with her son, a box of her favourite chocolates and a very nice silver key ring with a quote from a song sung by one of her favourite singers which she told you makes her think of your son. And yet she feels the need to complain that she didn't get a bunch of flowers when she already had about five bunches from other people.

Your MIL is ungrateful, ungracious, bad mannered and rude. What ever happened to people just saying thank you for birthday gifts and moving on. I am a fan of Bruce Springsteen and I love that song and the meaning, how could she not have realised the connection and why you had chosen that gift - she's a numpty. I would have been so touched at the thought behind that gift. Still, at least you know not to bother anymore, message received loud and clear, bunch of supermarket flowers from now on. BTW I'm glad your DH has your back on this.

Try not to let it get you down anymore Op and don't let it put a dampener on the rest of your weekend.

My SIL gave me a lovely keyring with a Celtic pattern on it - loved it and had it for years, I don’t see a nice keyring as a bad gift.

Cheap, boring flowers from now on that last for a few days then are binned like all the other bunches she gets.

Have you never been hurt when someone you thought you were close to gave you a completely thoughtless gift? It’s not about the value, or who chose it, or even that it was in a ‘nice box’. It’s about how it makes them feel. And she is hurt that you chose a crappy keyring.

This is what I don’t understand fair enough if in the end it really isn’t her cup of tea, but to say it’s completely thoughtless and just a crappy keyring simply isn’t true

@Sunnydaysstillhere

Garage flowers every time from now on. And let dh get them..

This. 100% this

You’re now off the wife work list

Yay!