To think this gift wasn’t offensive?

[Steppingonpegg]

So it’s been a hard 18 months. One of the things is DC age 3 has been diagnosed with autism. I’ve found it hard, everyone has been upset and confused but we’re getting there. I’m his biggest fan, biggest advocate of course. It’s getting easier, slowly.

I got DMIL a gift. It’s a key ring that says ‘We’re just Dancing In The Dark’. You, me, all of us. Love your Steven’ (DC isn’t actually a Steven for the record )

Anyway, MIL took it out at her birthday tea and said ‘oh’. Lovely. Then I thought nothing of it and thought she hasn’t read it properly. She’s a Springsteen fan like myself.

Got home later that evening and she’s text H to say how could nobody get her anything proper this year. Where are her usual flowers? She said ‘you know I don’t like gifts. That’s why I just say get flowers. I’m shocked you think so little of me’.

AIBU to think our gift was nice and not at all uncaring? I felt so sad she didn’t see the message behind it

I think, given the context, it was a very thoughtful gift. However I can understand her finding it a bit upsetting- my mother can be very emotional about certain circumstances with my children, which seems to manifest itself in ways that I don't always except.

For example - last year I sent her a cute framed photograph of my DD in a Christmas outfit, and she told me that she couldn't have it out because she found it too upsetting. It was kept in a drawer.

So it's possible that your MIL has been really affected by the situation with your DS, and this whole keyring drama is all just a misunderstanding. One that your MIL hasn't dealt with very tactfully...

Hather yes but as I clearly said on my reply you posted there, she has loads on. And has had all different novelty ones through the years

It never ceases to amaze me that when people specify their preferences and others go ‘off piste’ it’s the fault of the person receiving.

Surely, if you want to be seen as thoughtful stick to what’s been asked?

And don’t presume that because you think it’s thoughtful and a nice gesture that they will too.

My DS2 ( aged 21) got me a lovely key ring for Christmas a couple of years ago. Obviously I use it all the time and am delighted with it.

I'm on the fence. She has not read the Beginner's Guide to Good Manners, obviously. Between that and her melodramatics, I'd say she deserves hee haw this year.

But a key ring, regardless of the box it's presented in, doesn't exactly warm the heart. . And if the woman has clearly communicated that she likes and wants flowers for her birthday, then that is what I think she should get, even if her living room ends up looking like the Chelsea Flower Show.

To get her anything other than what she says she wants is making it about the giver, and not the recipient.

But she's still overwrought.

I'd ask for it back and use it yourself. It sounded like you meant well and she sounds like an ungrateful whiner.

If she was pissed, she doesn't remember the significance of the moment?
It's not worth everyone getting so het up about. It was a lovely thought, which went unappreciated. Both sides were hurt. Both will recover. No need for punitive future behaiour

Then the next thread regarding birthdays the overwhelming response is ‘grow up, you’re an adult - you shouldn’t expect anything - be grateful.’

With the possible exception of an insulatingly shit gift from DH, I thought the normal drill was to say "thank you very much" if you're given a gift not bitch and moan that you don't like it.

@FlippidyFlop

But you have to think about what the recipient would like. I dislike soppy stuff, and would be nonplussed to receive this sort of gift

And OP clearly thought her MIL would like it, hence why she got it.

Sometimes you just don't hit the mark with gift buying, not the end of the world. Doesn't mean the recipient throws a strop though, that's incredibly rude when someone has taken time to think about you and buy you a gift.

And I agree with you on this. I was just responding to the suggestion that it’s unusual to not want/love something sentimental.

I would actually prefer the key ring to flowers as I like practical gifts (as long as I’m not expected to go dewy eyed over any msg attached).

It just makes it easier for future gifts - flowers, no thought needed!

It does make it easier for future gifts - sweet fa! The bloody cheek, throwing a strop because she doesn't like what you gave her. She should be grateful of the thought and that's that.

Sorry but I think that unless you are extremely hard up that a key ring (even a personalised) and a cheap box of chocs is quite a paltry gift to give to someone so close. I know the attitude on MN is to be grateful for whatever you get (and I’d NEVER complain irl) but the reality is, as a token a key ring is fine (I’d give one as a “just because” knick knack when I pop round rather than a birthday, same with Lindor) it’s really not great for a birthday. I can understand her feeling a bit insulted. I’m by no means rich either, on a very meagre wage!

You gave her a keyring?

It's not offensive. It's fucking shit.

😔

I can't believe that people are defending your MIL and there are people telling you it was a shit gift. On other threads people say it's not your responsbility your DH should sort it out.

OP your MIL needs to get over herself.

You clearly had put thought into it and, even if she didn't like it, she ought to have the good grace to keep her mouth shut.

I totally see your point OP. And yes it's terrible that she is being so ungracious after receiving a gift that you had put thought into.
I would just add, though - if she specifically asks for flowers, and obviously really likes flowers, it wouldn't have been such a stretch to have got her some flowers too.

Your MIL has behaved like a rude, stroppy child in the way she’s handled this. She’s hurt your feelings with her rejection of what you thought was a thoughtful gift, so now you’re the one having a strop. You need to let it go and accept you got it wrong. Next year get her what she actually wants, flowers and vouchers.

@MitziK

A keyring?

You gave her a keyring?

It's not offensive. It's fucking shit.

I've had keyrings for presents before. I don't think they are fucking shit because I'm not an ungrateful twat

So many people pulling the present apart when the real issue is MIL was rude.

She's allowed to not like the gift, but it's not okay to be so rude about it. I also don't think your husband should drop her any flowers over. It's pandering to her tantrum.

Years ago I bought my MIL a cardigan. Everyone else said how nice it was. She sat there with a face like a smacked arse and didn't say even thank you. I've not seen it since. Lesson learnt. We either stick to chocolates or my husband sorts it.

@MitziK Oh behave FFS. That's a real person you know.

OP, can't believe the pile on. If you'd started a thread titled 'I got a nice keyring and my favourite chocolates from my DIL and I'm pissed off' people would be falling over themselves to tell you to get a grip.

I wouldn't comment on a present, but since your mil has stipulated flower, she has probably been provided with a range of shit ones over the years.

Unless you are under 12, a key ring is a shit present.

Imagine this was a dil complaining of just getting a keyring with a sentiment concerning the giver, I'm sure some responses would be different.

Tbh I'd think fuck it and not buy her a present again. I think the gift especially with those lyrics is lovely. Your MIL and quite a few posters sound like spoiled brats.
It's the thought that counts and your gift is more thoughtful than a bunch of flowers that will be thrown out in a week's time.

It's the last time you ever have to put any thought into a gift for her though!

From now on let your DH deal with her.

She is being childish. It was thoughtful of you but she didn’t like it. That happens sometimes. You don’t complain - that’s the bonkers part. A gift signifies caring and if someone has gone to the effort then you appreciate the thought.

I would have liked your key ring above any amount of more traditional birthday shite. We are all different and I still thanks people beautiful for bath sets, body creams and flowers when I loathe all of them.

Do you know what?
Just put it down as a miss.
You put a lot of thought into it. She just didn't get it. Not on the same page. Theres probably more going on but these are really odd and difficult times. She reacted oddly. Leave it to dh to explain.
Never mention it again. Buy the dutiful bunch of flowers and move on.