To think some DILs are so horrible to their MILs, especially when they have their own children?

[ivftake1]

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

viciously

I think it's always a bit of wrong on both sides. People need to really be honest with themselves and take responsibility rather than blame others when relationships breakdown.

Sons grow up and meet their partners; they are less reliant on their mothers. The relationship between mother and son changes. There is someone new and the mother has to share. Grandchildren come along and the son, partner and children become a family unit. The grandmother is not at the heart of that unit but on the side-lines. The mother/grandmother needs to accept the change and the partner needs to recognise the mother/grandmother has that position on the side-lines.

Well you're never going to get a situation where everyone is lovely to everyone op! Relationships are complex. I have a great MIL. She has only ever been helpful, never interfering and loved by all who meet her. My SILs can be an absolute pain though!

I think by the fact you are writing about this issue on here before it's even an issue means you will probably be one of those MILs that's a bit of a pain tbh.

@winetime89

Argh this worries me so much. I have two sons. I don't not get on with mil but my own mum really helps us put, looks after kids whilst we work 2-3 times a week, is there whenever we need her and wants to be close to the grandkids. We spend every xmas with my mum, she was there at the birth of both babies and she is just our go to person. Mil isn't so bothered about seeing the kids, it is more of a chore for her and she would never think to take them out anywhere so we are just closer to my mum. I think it tends to be this way for a lot of people and it's sad as when my kids have kids I most likely won't be the go to person, experience anyone giving birth or be the person of choice to spend xmas with.

Are you sure your mil isn't bothered about never spending Christmas with you?

When MIL want to be involved its controlling, when they step back its because they don't care, they are used as childcare but they have to do it as some parenting book says that the parents have read.

Sure there are some odd MIL but surely parents would know that before they have child with their partner?

So I do wonder what posters on here will feel when they become MILs?

I do think it is a game with some people this IL (whether it is parents or children) thing but there is the odd FIL and SIL complaints most of the complaints on here and in other forums it is usually MIL and DILs complained about

When MIL want to be involved its controlling, when they step back its because they don't care

How MILs are involved needs to be acceptable to the parents themselves. If it's being perceived as controlling - then why is that? 'Stepping back' rather than trying to sort the issue just seems like a way to pressure the parents into accepting things the MIL way or getting nothing. It feels like an ultimatum.

they are used as childcare but they have to do it as some parenting book says that the parents have read.

My In Laws are happy to spend time with my child, they respect my wishes - they might not always agree but we discuss any issues and find a working solution. If we can't agree and it's a big issue then I would find alternative arrangements. They don't feel used but as if they are helping, they might not agree to my wishes, might think they're silly but will still go along with them because the accept that's the way I want to do things.

Are any men expected to include their partner’s family so they don’t feel ‘pushed out’ by him? Are they expected to manage the relationship with both sets of parents so it’s all ‘fair’? Or are they allowed to just crack on?

I think a lot of MIL/DIL issues are really unresolved parent/son issues. If you are happy with the relationship between you and your grown up child, then I can’t imagine you’d want much more from their partner than that they make them happy. Children grow up and do things their own way. There partner is most likely an expression of this, not the cause.

Op there used to be poster on here who barged onto every Mil thread, to berate the op, put them down and spectacularly miss the point, all the time expect rare occasions.
After years of witnessing her deeply upsetting ops who were really suffering.. She did admit she didn't have experience in this area and she always trotted out the '' I didn't get on with my Mil but we rub along ''

She finally admitted once that actually she didn't know what she was talking about.

Op, I wasn't on mumsnet when I had my Mil problems at the birth of my 1st baby.
I don't know how I got through it. I've had so many awful things happen to me but that nealry finished me off.
Since, I've had lots of support on here.. And I try and give back. To those of us in awful situations we... Can spot the signs.... It's like women with abusive partners can also spot the signs!

You get used to patterns, red flags... Etc.

Your extremely lucky if you only have some mild territory issues! Be thankful.

My issues with Mil nearly destroyed my wondeful marriage, the only unhappiness in my marriage came from the them.. They ruined the birth of my first dc.

I can’t stand my MIL. I wish we could be close and get on but it’s just not possible. I’ve tried so hard over the years but unfortunately she’s the most self centred, utterly selfish woman I’ve ever met. I wish I had my brothers MIL. We get on so well. She’s lovely.

• I've also learned through my dreadful experience is that we must never treat people as if we are entitled to them...

People don't like being constantly judged and talked down too.
I will always ask my own dc what they want, I won't impose on them and won't ruin major life events for them with childish selfish hissy fits.
I won't act like their babies belong to me and I'm the most important person in babies life.

I won't be rude and nasty to their partners and spouses! I'll try not to be rude and nasty full stop but..if we do fall out I will understand that means I can't then demand to see their Children and hound them.

Suzie it's heart breaking isn't it! I don't have a dm and I have tried to share precious moments with Mil but she can't share.
I wish I gave up far earlier, I really do.
I have felt grief over the relationship because its robbed me off a relationship, dh doesn't speak to them now and the dc never warmed to her at all... We are all bereft.

I wish I had a closer relationship with my MIL but it just hasn't happened. She lives abroad and is close to my DH so 99% of contact goes through him. They speak regularly and FaceTime with my DS most weekends, and he sends on all the pictures/videos/news etc and organises presents and cards. When she's visiting we get on well but we're very different people, and to be honest we don't have very much in common.

I actually think this is often women on women. You certainly don’t hear as often men saying I fucking hate my father in law. Don’t get me wrong, many on either side are simply awful, but for even more I suspect it’s simply an unacceptance on both sides.

I’d also agree it’s a territorial thing in many circumstances. I think it was with my mil.

My own mil at the beginning was horrible to me. When I was graduating I had been with my husband about six months and stayed at their home, I had food poisoning and was vomiting, and she came into the bedroom when I was alone and angrily demanded if I was pregnant. I was genuinely quite shocked. I wasn’t and was horrified she was thinking that. Id only met her twice.

Another time we were going to an event and got all dressed up, I was early twenties and was wearing a skirt that was short, just a bit lower than mid thigh, I said to her “does this skirt look ok” and she said “you look like you should be standing on a street corner”.

They were solidly middle class and I grew up in a council house and was dating her youngest son, and she made it clear I simply wasn’t good enough.

That is until I had her first grandchild. Ironically I’ve been with my husband now 31 years and I am the main bread winner, although he’s successful in his own right. I ended up being the one called in to nurse her at the very end, and I did it and cared for her, but it was always there for me.

My husband had also had a several year relationship with a local girl, a friends daughter, and the relationship ended because she cheated on him repeatedly, but I think mil wanted them to get married, and even went as far as inviting her to their home once when I was there and we’d only been going out a few months. I expressed I thought that was a bit uncomfortable for all of us and my fil was highly amused and said more uncomfortable for her, he’s clearly not interested, not sure what mil is playing at.

I do think there was an element of territorial, jealousy and being protective, but ultimately it was a woman not accepting another woman.

Are any men expected to include their partner’s family so they don’t feel ‘pushed out’ by him? Are they expected to manage the relationship with both sets of parents so it’s all ‘fair’? Or are they allowed to just crack on?

Yes, they are. I know someone who’s going to have major issues with his wife’s mum. She thinks she’s part of the marriage and they set no boundaries. They’re just sleepwalking into trouble and won’t have a leg to stand on because she provides all their childcare.

You certainly don’t hear as often men saying I fucking hate my father in law.

No, they usually hate the MIL too. That's an actual trope, it's so classic. And as usual, it's her fault.

I like my MIL a lot. She will never be my best friend but we're civil to each other and we have a good relationship. She adores her grandchildren and would do everything for them and I respect that.
There was a period of two years when I was NC with my husband's family (my FIL''s fault) but I never forbade my husband to bring children to her, and even my FIL. She was always there for me, well not for me, but for my children, but she helped me a lot.

I had no problem with both my parents and my husband's parents to see my children at the same time. In my opinion mother's parents have no preferential treatment, both sides have equal rights. Maybe I would think differently if I had a terribly close relationship with my mother but I don't (although I call her every day because we're live 200 miles apart). And I'm not shy or anxious and was very happy to get all the help I could after birth. I had two emergency c sections and after I came home from the hospital I was more then happy to let them run my house for few weeks while I rested and recovered. They would come after my husband left for work and leave after he came back. But I rented a flat for my mum for a month so both she and I would have some rest from each other. But I understand not all women are the same and somebody else would hate that. But it worked for me.

My MIL can be very overprotective and there are some things she does I'm sure good people of Mumsnet would tell me to go NC with her. But I have long realized that none of us are perfect and if she is willing to accept some of my faults I'll cut her some slack and accept some of hers.

It's so handy how it's generally the MIL who provides all the helpful childcare that also gives families a reason to berate her. If they were more like men and didn't help, I'm sure they'd be thought of so much better as well.

There are loads of people who don't get on with their own parents. I've never done a statistical analysis, but I guess the split between not liking your blood relations and not liking your ILs is pretty even. The difference is that sometimes, the reasons for not liking your ILs are perceived as being petty.

My MIL is lovely to me. We are very, VERY different people though in tastes and habits, and I think we're sensible about that.

My husband did warn me that she tends to put her family at the centre of everything (e.g. FILs birthday they have her family round not his, they barely saw her ILs), and that he had no desire to be as overbearingly close as her family, and that he wanted balance between our families.

I think my MIL tacitly understands that it's not ever going to be that way with us so she's opted not to power struggle. I think this wisdom came from the knowledge of her own power to keep her husband to herself - I recently attended HER MiLs funeral, and let's just say it seemed like a long awaited day for her.

You're not being unreasonable. I have a good relationship with my MIL, we're very different people but she loves DP very much and we've grown close over the years. There are so many MIL bashing threads on Mumsnet. Whilst some seem justified, others seem to either be a pissing content or things that could be solved with better communication and understanding.

*contest - autocorrect!

The other major element is the strength and type of Mil and her ownership son's relationships.
Usually an extremely dominant Mil, with a person pleaser ds.
Forced to comply rather than wanting too. This then leads to the relationship ball being dropped when he finds some one serious. Mil shits on that someone serious and then her own non existent relationship with her son fails. And she blames... Dil.

It's not dils job actually to facilitate relations between her and her own son. Mils who are kind, genuinely interested in their ds... Will continue to chat, hang out and be part of their lives.

@BorderlineHappy

the only time when parents are not equal is around pregnancy and birth. Yes it's all about the woman who has gone through labour and just given birth.

No all gps are equal.If you are going to play that game,dont come moaning MIL has no time for gc.You cant have it both ways.

No, GRAND-CHILDREN ARE EQUAL

but around the birth, it's not about the baby is it? It's all about the mother recovering from the birth.

A newborn doesn't give a monkey about grand-parents, cuddles. They need their mum and ideally their dad. They need no one else, will remember nothing and have the rest of their life to "bond".

Frankly, some dads have been physically unable to meet their child until they were a few weeks or months old - the downside of some jobs. It never stopped them to be as close as anything with their family.

Grand-parents do not need to barge in and impose on a mother.

TheHouseOnHauntedHill, you used a brilliant phrase upthread. About not treating people as if entitled to them. You nailed it - that in a nutshell is the root of so many unpleasant relationships.

@Laiste

I'll be blunt - i think a lot of the time when MILs feel 'pushed out' it's because their sons are shite at being bothered to keep in contact with their mothers.

Far from the DILs being one putting up barriers they are usually the ones saying ''Ring your mum it's been a week. Write this card. Text and let her know x, y, z'' ... and the wonderful son eye-rolling and humphing!

100% true.

OP you say you don't want to be "pushed out" but that implies your son would be a helpless victim whose mean wife won't let him contact you. Err no, that's not what happens. The son just isn't bothered.

I keep in close contact with my family, my DH has nothing to do with it. Not that he would try to stop me, but if he did I would simply ignore him or if he kept it up I would end the relationship. Meanwhile DH rarely calls his mum, what can I do about that? Pick up the phone, dial, and force him to talk?

Why is there an expectation that after marriage, women now have two extended families and men zero.