To think some DILs are so horrible to their MILs, especially when they have their own children?

[ivftake1]

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

@TeamLucille

Devlesko

the only time when parents are not equal is around pregnancy and birth. Yes it's all about the woman who has gone through labour and just given birth.

It's more than natural to be comfortable with your own parents, not with virtual strangers. Just because you shagged their son doesn't make you close to your in-laws.

As someone who has given birth herself, the MIL should get that.

I disagree. I had a traumatic birth with my first, but The PILs got to see their grandchild within the same time scale as my parents. My husband was just as excited for his parents to meet his cold as I was for mine to. And any father should feel the same.

All this ridiculousness about "I shouldn't have to have MIL around when I'm bleeding/have my tits out" is ridiculous. No-one is going to see you bleeding, and when it's time to get your tits out you simply ask for a bit of privacy.
Some women choose to use the post birth time as an excuse to keep in laws away, and it's unfair. These people are just as anxious and excited about the arrival of their grandchildren as the maternal grandparents are. Keeping them away is unfair, when even half an hour to meet their grandchild would be hugely appreciated.

Cold? Child, of course.

I’ve put so much effort into a relationship with my MIL and she’s been really hurtful in response. Knowing that there are people out there like OP who would judge me for my relationship with her just makes it worse.

I had to keep going to the bathroom because of poor bladder control- due to super fast delivery and my body wasn’t ready for it- and my tits wasn’t just out, I was soaking wet. I needed to change my clothes and pads every thirty minutes plus demand feeding. So yes, for some mothers it is a problem if MIL overstay when the mother is worrying about the mess her body is making

I don’t doubt that there are some DILs that aren’t very nice... but if it was as widespread as troublesome MILs, why are there rarely any threads on here about horrible DILs?

I give you Granset

the only time when parents are not equal is around pregnancy and birth. Yes it's all about the woman who has gone through labour and just given birth.

No all gps are equal.If you are going to play that game,dont come moaning MIL has no time for gc.You cant have it both ways.

@BorderlineHappy

the only time when parents are not equal is around pregnancy and birth. Yes it's all about the woman who has gone through labour and just given birth.

No all gps are equal.If you are going to play that game,dont come moaning MIL has no time for gc.You cant have it both ways.

“Sorry grandchild, I don’t want a relationship with you because I didn’t watch you come out of your mother’s vagina

All this ridiculousness about "I shouldn't have to have MIL around when I'm bleeding/have my tits out" is ridiculous. No-one is going to see you bleeding, and when it's time to get your tits out you simply ask for a bit of privacy.
Some women choose to use the post birth time as an excuse to keep in laws away, and it's unfair. These people are just as anxious and excited about the arrival of their grandchildren as the maternal grandparents are. Keeping them away is unfair, when even half an hour to meet their grandchild would be hugely appreciated.

I don't think it's "ridiculousness" at all. It's great for you that you didn't feel this way, but some women suffer from exhaustion and massive anxiety around days two and three and have hormone related symptoms, and birth injuries to contend with. Some have had major blood loss and in the UK at least, may have left hospital a bit prematurely. It's very important for them and their baby that they have the space and time to recover properly, to establish a good bond with their baby in an environment where they can rest and feel calm, and establish breast-feeding if they want to do that.

And wonderful if the in-laws are sensitive and intelligent people and pop in and out for a discreet half hour but it rarely works out like that in reality. My in-laws lived in a different country, wanted to come for two weeks and expected to be waited on.

I get on brilliantly with my MIL, I spend more time with her and talk / text her more than my DH does. I feel very fortunate that she’s so lovely.

Reading some posts about MIL on here, some of them do sound truly unhinged and I don’t think anyone should have to put up with some of the nonsense that seems to go on.

I really, really tried with mine. DH is an only child and had a crap childhood / abusive father.
I got absolutely nothing back. It’s probably because she was abused herself, but I can’t give to a person, that I barely know, without some kind of give back. I find her very irritating and do does DH.
But, I do my best to make her welcome.

My mil is a lovely woman who refers to me as her daughter. She's a kind and caring person who will help anyone. My previous mils were awful. I tried to be nice and respectful but they were awful. The first one swore in front of her younger children, prioritised cigarettes and her own leisure activities over her children's schools clothing, gave them fried chips with the majority of their meals etc. She didn't like it because I prioritised the dc school clothes, food, activities, bills etc above her sons need for weed and cigarettes.

The second bought her children up well but she spoke before she thought and assumed a lot about me that was totally wrong and her son fell out with her for it which was my fault apparently. She hated me because I reported him to the police for violence. I was in the wrong for that too. He's an alcoholic and she knew that if I left she would be the one he would rely on and be at his beck and call. I tried my best with her.

As I said my mil is awesome.

Some DILs are horrible to perfectly nice MILs. Some MILs are nasty and critical to perfectly nice DILs. Sometimes they're both as bad as each other and sometimes they become the best of friends. Character traits aren't confined to any particular generation. Some peope are easy going and kind, some look for fault and compete with each other.

I often find the MIL-bashing threads amusing, especially where male children are concerned, I've often wondered how they'll cope as MIL in years to come.

“Sorry grandchild, I don’t want a relationship with you because I didn’t watch you come out of your mother’s vagina

Nothing to with that.After the baby being born is what im talking about.

You cant say to your partners/dh parents they cant visit,and then moan they have no interest.

You cant push your own dp forward and then wonder why your MIL is a bitch.

Im a Mil,im nice.I respect bounderies.I only go when im asked.

But,you cant expect to blank people and then wonder why they dont bother.And the sons are just as much to blame.their parents its down to them to manage it.

I disagree. I had a traumatic birth with my first, but The PILs got to see their grandchild within the same time scale as my parents.

That’s great that it worked out this way for you, but it doesn’t make other women wrong for feeling differently.

If a person was recovering from major surgery or a traumatic injury we would wholly respect their right to insist on a few days of privacy while they dealt with the immediate recuperation, but for some reason when it comes to birth women are expected to prioritise the feelings of their in-laws over their own wellbeing. I can’t fathom why a grand parent’s right to see a baby on day 1 instead of day 4 would be deemed more important than a woman’s right to a short period of time to heal from an experience which may have been traumatic and caused quite serious injury.

Only a truly selfish grandparent would refuse to have a relationship with their grandchild because they were asked to give the mother a few days to recuperate before visiting. A grandparent who behaves that way has no respect or love for the mother.

I’m in a happy relationship with my DH but part of me hopes one day I’m in a relationship with another man just so I can test whether I am a problem DIL. Most days I don’t think I am, but I have a lot of self doubt and I’ve had the most horrible anxiety and negative experiences with my MIL. I’d love to know if it’s possible for me to be liked by a MIL and be a ‘good’ DIL. Just to know for sure that the problem has always been her.

Yanbu. My MIL is kind and lovely and my DH is the apple of her eye. I can’t imagine how sad I’d be if I was frozen out of my sons’ or grandchildren’s lives by their partners.

Argh this worries me so much. I have two sons. I don't not get on with mil but my own mum really helps us put, looks after kids whilst we work 2-3 times a week, is there whenever we need her and wants to be close to the grandkids. We spend every xmas with my mum, she was there at the birth of both babies and she is just our go to person. Mil isn't so bothered about seeing the kids, it is more of a chore for her and she would never think to take them out anywhere so we are just closer to my mum. I think it tends to be this way for a lot of people and it's sad as when my kids have kids I most likely won't be the go to person, experience anyone giving birth or be the person of choice to spend xmas with.

@LavaCake

I disagree. I had a traumatic birth with my first, but The PILs got to see their grandchild within the same time scale as my parents.

That’s great that it worked out this way for you, but it doesn’t make other women wrong for feeling differently.

If a person was recovering from major surgery or a traumatic injury we would wholly respect their right to insist on a few days of privacy while they dealt with the immediate recuperation, but for some reason when it comes to birth women are expected to prioritise the feelings of their in-laws over their own wellbeing. I can’t fathom why a grand parent’s right to see a baby on day 1 instead of day 4 would be deemed more important than a woman’s right to a short period of time to heal from an experience which may have been traumatic and caused quite serious injury.

Only a truly selfish grandparent would refuse to have a relationship with their grandchild because they were asked to give the mother a few days to recuperate before visiting. A grandparent who behaves that way has no respect or love for the mother.

My response wasn't about GPs seeing the baby on day 1 or day 4. It was to someone talking about the PILs being kept away for a month. Which I think is ridiculously unfair on both the PILs and the DH.

Day 4 is fine for both sets of GPs.

As someone who has suffered (and I mean suffered) at the hands of a DIL despite trying my absolute best to build a relationship the comments on her about MILs make me wince

Those of you that do not try to build a relationship with your MIL should hang their heads in shame.

Where possible I think it's a good idea to let the grandparents see the baby as soon as possible, even if just for half an hour, bring a gift and take some photos. It just takes the pressure out of the situation and then they can back off a bit until you've had time to recover, get to grips with feeding and whatnot. Every new mother needs sleep. You can disappear upstairs to bed and let DH do the hosting while you rest, then everyone's happy and there's no family angst.

Grandparents are usually so proud and tell the world they've a GC on the way. It must be humiliating to have people ask whether they've seen their month old newborn grandchild and have to say no. As a mum, I can't fathom one of my children having a baby; and me not being able to celebrate with them.

Some MILs refuse to accept that their child is not a child anymore. They insist on a three-way marriage between the son, you and them, which is weird. They can be possessive and passive aggressive and the dil is made to feel guilty because the DH is caught in the middle.

Some DILs are controlling and possessive and difficult.

If both parties are decent people there isn't usually a problem. Based on my friends and acquaintance s. MILs who refuse to let go properly of their adult sons seem to be a more common problem than terrible DILs.

YANBU.

Some DILs seem to be out to get their MILs from the start, and I think it's usually because either

1. They have some weird territorial thing going on with their Nigel or
2. They're mummy's girls themselves and see the existence of another mother/grandma figure a threat, or
3. They're probably just dicks.

What always makes me go is threads that say something like "Me and MIL don't get on she hates me for literally no reason to the point that she won't see DH with me there I've literally done nothing wrong". I always smell BS and think that there's waaaay more to the story than that poster is letting on

My husband’s grandma had never felt my mil was good enough for her son(FIL) She even once told me that when her son went out to dinner with her and old female friend, she secretly hoped he would leave my MIL for her. I was shocked . She felt my MIL trapped my FIL into marriage by getting pregnant.

They got into a fight about something And the FIL stopped talking to her (about something years later) and she spilled it all on me and blamed My MIL on everything.

I think it is part of a wider issue where we look for, and find, validation online.

Any situation can be written to make it look a certain way: that what we perceive to have happened is what happened. But when you look at psychology we know that very small changes can influence our perception of an event and that, quite often, even witnesses give different accounts of events.

Keeping this in mind, the fact that many posters pile on to these threads with labels such as vile, toxic, narcissist etc and so easily viscously judge (when it could easily be them being written about tomorrow) another woman (it is heavily weighted towards other women not men) is troubling.