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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report this teacher to the school (help!!!)

229 replies

hellolovely7 · 22/10/2020 19:24

Actually NC because a lot of school mum's know me on here and I feel so awkward about this situation but

My DS is in secondary school, he can be a bit of an idiot but I'm not on here for an incarceration of his behaviour. Today he was spending time in the behaviour centre and one of the teachers in there touched him. Impossible to get out of him what actually happened as he has clammed up about it now but basically AIBU to report this to the school due to covid? Surely teachers should be 2 metres away and definitely not touching the students????

For context and not to be a drip feed, he basically came home and was like "Miss xxxx" hugged me today. I was like, wtf, and he was like nah she didn't really hug me but she did touch me mum so ive probs got covid now. I asked him exactly what happened but he said i was making a fuss and she was just comforting him due to having a strop but he said he was a bit surprised that she touched him and he apparently told her she would give him COVID and then she apologised.

Do you think this is dealt with and it was just an error of judgement from the teacher or do you think I should be making a bigger deal? I am genuinely torn

OP posts:
plantfolk · 23/10/2020 06:24

@ChloeDecker no, of course I don't think my sweeping statement about 'all teachers' to be true. But rather than assessing the nuance of the situation, many posters immediately jumped on the OP for having critical thoughts of a teacher (with plenty very willing to criticise the actions of a child).

Regardless of whether the teacher was right or wrong to touch the pupil as she did, the child clearly felt uncomfortable with this touch. This in turn made his mother uncomfortable and she came here for advice. She received a dressing down for her thoughts.

AgentJohnson · 23/10/2020 06:33

If this is all what your son needed to say to divert your attention from another instance of his poor behaviour, then I suspect that whatever punishment you serve will probably be no problem for him.

Congratulations OP, this has to be the most batshit AIBU I have read in a very long time.

Goatinthegarden · 23/10/2020 06:47

His phone is locked away in DH's safe, no contact with his girlfriend now all weekend. We aren't soft touches on him.

Given how concerned you are about him catching Covid from a teacher touching his arm (or whatever the actual truth is), I hope you enforce a strict, supervised 2m distance from this girlfriend as all times.

CanICelebrate · 23/10/2020 06:47

As others have said, I can’t believe some parents think we socially distance at school. It’s a nightmare and I’m constantly anxious about how close we all are.
I’ve touched the arm/ shoulder of 2 crying students this week and hugged a sobbing bereaved colleague. In my very pastoral role it would simply have felt wrong not to. This is nothing compared to walking through a packed corridor constantly reminding them to put masks on or teaching 25 students in a small classroom where I am not even 2m from the front row. I wear a mask when I’m teaching but it’s not at all risk free.

CanICelebrate · 23/10/2020 06:51

And just to add, NEVER underestimate how disruptive and rude something as ‘simple’ as phone defiance is in a school.
I work in a boys’ school and the majority of the boys are brilliantly behaved so it’s not helpful to normalise this kind of behaviour.

rainbowstardrops · 23/10/2020 07:05

I think it's laughable that people still seem to think there's any social distancing going on in schools! I have 60 children prodding me, coughing over me, crying on me during my day and as I'm considered 'vulnerable' my anxiety is through the roof!

If a parent complained that I'd touched their child to comfort them then I'd bloody hand my notice in the following day.

I'm sick of following the government's guidelines and 'rules' when I'm not in school but then being a lamb thrown to the slaughter when I'm working and THEN having parents complain!!!!

It's an absolute joke and you need to focus more on your son's behaviour because I'd bet my bottom dollar, that he would have been asked several times to hand over the phone - which he shouldn't have had out anyway I imagine - and then various warnings before being removed from the class.
Maybe HE should apologise to the teacher and the other kids in the class for disrupting their learning???

I know you've said that you won't be complaining to the school but honestly, you need to sort your son's behaviour out, not criticise teaching staff that are working through incredibly difficult times.

TheZeppo · 23/10/2020 07:44

Kid has their phone out, 9 times out of ten a quick ‘look’ will get them to sheepishly shove it back in their bag. To get to the behaviour room, he will have gone through many further steps I’d imagine. At each one, he’s chosen the wrong option.

I think it’s very nice that the teacher wanted to comfort him, even after he’d been rude (and believe me, the ‘you’ve given me Covid’ would have been meant to undermine).

You KNOW he’s deflecting your attention- so don’t let him!

I too am getting mightily tired of people complaining about every little thing we do that’s (perceived) as wrong. I have been teaching 20 years and am about to throw the towel in because I’m sick to the back teeth of it.

Shame, cuz the kids are amazing. Even the ones in the behaviour Unit for refusing to hand over phones 😂

Ohfrigginghellers · 23/10/2020 08:03

Oh for gods sake. Give the teacher a break. They work in incredibly stressful environments at times and are doing their best. She was comforting your son and probably momentarily forgot about it.

DragonPie · 23/10/2020 08:10

One of my DC had a wobble about going in to school recently. The teacher came out and gently led him in by the hand (he’s 5). I was relieved if anything!

ChasingRainbows19 · 23/10/2020 08:28

That teacher is in full classes with teenagers all day every day with little distancing and no ppe , she is far more at risk of catching covid from the students and then suffering it’s worse effects than your son is. Most teens won’t even know they’ve had it or have mild symptoms. He could of already had it.

If he catches it I bet it would be from his mates that he probably doesn’t distance from or wear masks when around at break times. I’m not judging him there it’s how a lot teens will be. They are being normal.

When you work in a caring profession it’s very natural to be close to people, even teenagers and adults and its not just small children that sometimes need comfort. We are all human and I’m sure if she did briefly touch his back or arm in comforting gesture she clocked herself afterwards A teacher will have that natural inclination to look after pupils even older kids.

I feel for teachers right now, it’s bad enough working in a hospital through a pandemic but at least I have Ppe. They are worried but are still turning up every day to educate children. Yes they get paid and chose their career blah blah ( not in a pandemic!) but ask yourself, would you happily place yourself in their shoes right now?

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 23/10/2020 08:37

I hope you caled Ofsted and the Minister of Education hun, the teacher needs a sack.

Not.

Serin · 23/10/2020 08:42

Covid is the least of your worries.
But like your DS you seem to be very good at deflecting the real issue.

SeasonFinale · 23/10/2020 08:57

Perhaps your son should not be having strops in a behaviour centre whereby a teacher felt the need to put herself at risk to help a studnet!

Goingdooolally · 23/10/2020 09:03

Poor teacher, she’ll be worried now that your delightful sounding boy said that to her. I would not be complaining, I would be glad a teacher showed a bit of humanity.

Also no way are teachers keeping 2m. It’s impossible to teach properly and do this (I’m a teacher).

I think it’s interesting that of all the things you choose to complain about you choose this. Why is that?Hmm

Mo81 · 23/10/2020 09:04

Personally i would be more than happy for a teacher to comfort my child .

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 23/10/2020 09:08

I think you should remove your child from that terrible school! That will teach them far better than complaining!

And if you do it today they will have time to get the wine and cake in. Socially distanced of course. Because there will be a party at that school the day he leaves. 🎉

Goingdooolally · 23/10/2020 09:08

And actually it’s a bloody cheeky thing to say to a teacher anyway. Not to mention the fact he was already in the behaviour base. If a pupil said that to me he’d get a detention. It’s not a laughing matter. And if my son joked about that to a teacher he’d be in big trouble!

BadlyDrawnSimpsonsCharacter · 23/10/2020 09:09

No OP, you absolutely should not be reporting the teacher! People are under enough stress as the moment, I don't understand why you'd want to cause more stress for this woman. Have some heart.

isolationagain · 23/10/2020 09:17

@Backtoblack1

Oh do shut up you stupid woman.

I think you should focus more on what your son is doing to be put in the behaviour unit. Parents like you love to deflect from the poor behaviour of your child.

This
foreverandalways · 23/10/2020 09:17

God almighty...what has the world come to...the teacher is showing your child some compassion and empathy

LuaDipa · 23/10/2020 09:31

I completely agree that the teacher’s intentions were good and that she should not be reported. That being said, my 14 y/o ds, who’s manners and behaviour are impeccable, would be absolutely appalled if any teacher tried to hug him and I have no doubt that he would step back or ask the teacher not to do that. He doesn’t particularly like hugs from anyone aside from his dad and I and we would have no issue with him speaking up for himself in that circumstance.

I have to say, I think that if this situation involved a 14 y/o girl and a male teacher, the hug would most likely never have happened in the first place, honourable intentions or not. Are only girls entitled to consent to physical contact, but the somewhat troublesome boys have to just suck it up? Also, the comment about COVID, while not very polite, may have been an excuse to get himself out of an uncomfortable situation, rather than the boy being cheeky,

There is nothing wrong with a child having boundaries about physical contact and speaking up if they are uncomfortable, even if that discomfort is not necessarily understandable to the teacher.

spanieleyes · 23/10/2020 09:35

The OP said in her first post that it wasn't a hug but a touch- no further information than that.

FredaFrogspawn · 23/10/2020 09:36

MN is like a pack of slavering hounds as usual.

Students who are repeat offenders are often traumatised in some way or another, or have some issue to deal with which makes life a bit harder, often not the parents’ fault. Putting an arm around a student, or touching their shoulder/arms to calm them down often works to make a connection and show the student it’s not them you find unacceptable, but their behaviour at that point in time. We shouldn’t be doing it now because of Covid but it’s so ingrained, we forget.

OP has listened so please stop attacking her and certainly please stop saying vile things about a boy - a child - you don’t know.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 23/10/2020 09:37

@LuaDipa I'd be prepared to bet a large sum of money there was no hug. Why would a teacher want to hug him? He sounds beastly. To take this story at face value is very foolish and naive. She touched him on the arm at most and he knew good old mummy would pick up the baton so he made up a story to shit stir. Horrid boy.

QuiteGood · 23/10/2020 09:41

It sounds like your son didn’t want to be touched regardless of Covid. Why does everyone on here think that being upset automatically warrants physical touch? When I’m upset I often don’t want strangers or even non strangers touching me and on other occasions I don’t mind. My 14 year old sometimes has an angry cry at home - possibly at a sanction me or my husband has imposed. The last thing he wants is a cuddle in these moments. When I’ve tried to and he’s brushed me off, that cuddle has been about me and my feelings not his. There’s a lot of people on here getting hysterical because they think the teacher was being kind and because your son was naughty he shouldn’t have any right to be respected, a concept I find revolting. Yes it was coming from a good place but your son is 14 not 4, I would want to check that invading his physical space is wanted first. Your son is entitled to his boundaries. I’m not suggesting the teacher needs to be reported but I really think you’ve had an unnecessarily hard time here. Covid is a thing. A serious thing. Your son is entitled to his space and a skilled professional should be able to give as much comfort with words as they can with touch. I think you’ve been very reasonable on this thread by accepting reporting the teacher would be OTT. The responses have ignored that and continued to pile on regardless. Stick with your instincts that this wasn’t ok, whilst also not being a major deal. Let your son know his instincts are perfectly acceptable. In spite of the majority waffling nonsense on this thread, it doesn’t mean you are wrong.