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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Childfree life

951 replies

uka888 · 22/10/2020 18:32

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

OP posts:
SurreyHillsGirl · 23/10/2020 06:41

Child free by choice. Realised when v young I didn't find babies or children particularly interesting and have never wavered. I am now mid 40s and would still without doubt rather spend time with dogs than children!

DH and I have a wonderful life, we are fulfilled and are very happy it's just 'us' (and the dogs!). I love peace and quiet and find babies crying and children screaming and squealing like nails down a blackboard!

Aside from the peace, freedom, relaxation and spontaneity our lifestyle affords us, we have plenty of money to do as we please. I look at my friends who have kids and they seem to be in a permanent state of stress, harangued and harrassed by the daily grind of being responsible for small, demanding people. Often their relationships with their husbands have been strained by having kids. It's just not for me.

And I know loads of parents who don't see much of their kids. Having children is certainly no guarantee that you won't be lonely in your dotage. I have lots of child free friends that I know I will see lots of if we are all lucky enough to make it to a ripe old age!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 23/10/2020 06:46

I'm late 50s. Childfree by choice - I never had any doubts and I am still thankful I took this path in life (it's been such fun!!!!)

I'm early 50s and feel exactly the same.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 23/10/2020 06:51

I look at my friends who have kids and they seem to be in a permanent state of stress, harangued and harrassed by the daily grind of being responsible for small, demanding people

This is the kind of post that's pretty denigrating to people who have children Hmm

BrightYellowDaffodil · 23/10/2020 06:58

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland it looks like an observation to me, @SurreyHillsGirl isn’t saying anything nasty or judgement, just stating how her friends seem to her. I’d say the same about some of my friends who have kids, but then I could also say the same about friends who have high pressure jobs demanding a long commute and long hours, or friends who are studying for PhDs which have taken over their lives and stressed them out.

Why on Earth is it derogatory to say “Parenting looks like bloody hard work and it’s not for me”?

leftovercoffeecake · 23/10/2020 07:12

I’m childfree by choice. I have no interest in children. I’ve never found a baby or toddler cute. Even as a kid, I hated baby dolls with a passion.

Having children involves a lot of sacrifice. Scarifies are worth it when it’s for something you want, but for me it would be a lose lose situation.
I don’t want to put a strain on my body for something I don’t want.
I don’t want to put a strain on my finances for something I don’t want.
I don’t want to put a strain on my freedom for something I don’t want.
I don’t want to put a strain on my relationship for something I don’t want.

I find it frustrating that childfree people get asked why they’re childfree (we never ask people why they’re pregnant) but when they list their reasons they’re accused of shaming parents. There are many things I think are boring and unappealing (camping for example) but I’m not shaming those people, I just have different preferences to them.

OliviaBenson · 23/10/2020 07:17

@leftovercoffeecake

I’m childfree by choice. I have no interest in children. I’ve never found a baby or toddler cute. Even as a kid, I hated baby dolls with a passion.

Having children involves a lot of sacrifice. Scarifies are worth it when it’s for something you want, but for me it would be a lose lose situation.
I don’t want to put a strain on my body for something I don’t want.
I don’t want to put a strain on my finances for something I don’t want.
I don’t want to put a strain on my freedom for something I don’t want.
I don’t want to put a strain on my relationship for something I don’t want.

I find it frustrating that childfree people get asked why they’re childfree (we never ask people why they’re pregnant) but when they list their reasons they’re accused of shaming parents. There are many things I think are boring and unappealing (camping for example) but I’m not shaming those people, I just have different preferences to them.

This!!! I couldn't have put it any better myself.

Some people seem to take my choices to be childfree very personally. Both on MN and in real life. Like you say, it's a matter of choice and preference.

One reason for me is also the environment but that gets completely shot down usually HmmConfused

VeniceQueen2004 · 23/10/2020 08:20

I always assume people who don't want kids feel the way I do about pets - i.e. that they are a massive drain on time, energy, resources and freedom for very little return. I know people who go gooey over horses/dogs/cats the way I do over my (and indeed other people's) children, when all I see is a big dumb smelly creature that wants and wants and wants, covers your home in hair, needs grooming, exercising and generally minding like a young child would with the additional down side that they are NEVER going to change.

Now I'm aware that there will be a load of dog/horse/cat lovers who will think I'm a sociopath Grin now I don't think childfree people are; I just think we have different definitions of value and different things that make us fulfilled (which btw is not the same as being enraptured every single day, a solid week of fevers and D&V in a pre-verbal toddler isn't anyone's idea of fun!).

For me I think really fulfilment is about engagement. Some people are fully engaged by their careers, or their partners, or their education, or all sorts of other things that I enjoy but which never really 'hookee' me the way my child does. I am always engaged with being her mum. I never lose interest in it or wonder what the point of it all is really. And that makes me feel like a proper part of the world, when for much of my life I felt sort of off to one side and passing through, even when having a wonderful time. I don't want loads of kids (one more and I'll be done) because I want to remain that engaged and not diffuse it too much.

But I KNOW my way isn't the only way to feel that engagement; and other people get it by jumping off bridges or going to church or getting to the very top of their game professionally or snuggling with their schnauzer or working on a cure for cancer or running marathons or baking really, really fantastic cakes. Or many other things besides. And I know what I get out of having a kid isn't the reason everyone who has them has them, or everyone who enjoys them enjoys them.

I wish a thread like this could be a nice, positive, supportive one about the benefits and/or consolations of childfree living, instead of segueing into slagging off parents and implying they've made s terrible mistake. I appreciate this is childfree people kicking against the general cultural norm that children are "what you do" and those without are somehow lacking, but it's still pretty unkind.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 23/10/2020 08:32

Now I'm aware that there will be a load of dog/horse/cat lovers who will think I'm a sociopath

Horse owner here and I would say your assessment is correct (apart from the covering my home in hair - they haven’t (yet) made it into the house Grin ). But for me all those things are worth the pay off. For parents, the things that for me aren’t worth the pay off, are to them.

Each to their own and all that :)

Mreggsworth · 23/10/2020 08:44

Interesting read.

I've always assumed I would have children. But I do have worries about the state of the world. I worked in children and adolescent mental health for a while which put me off. I've also worked with profoundly disabled and behavioral challenged kids before. One example being autism so severe they have no emotional attachment to their loving doting parents who did everything for them and who would actively try to attack them (and anyone around him). He now lives in complete isolation and communicated with via an intercom. I cant imagine the stress in living with that. Or the stress of having any profoundly disabled child which pretty much means you have to give up your life to full time care. ...I know this isnt what the thread is about, but it's just my personal concern that when you wish for a baby, it can often be significantly more complex than just having a cute little baby to play with a cuddle growing to a healthy happy child. Theres bullying, there is mental health, there are accidents, there is disability, there is life trauma...or your child could just grow up to be a not very nice person (again seen it happen with even the loveliest parents)

Although saying all that, I think I would have kids as I do get those annoying pangs of broodiness, and I think I'd be a very good mum. though the thought does worry me. But if I was to have fertility issues I dont think I'd see it as that devastating that I couldn't have kids

cherrytree975 · 23/10/2020 08:54

I’ve just always loathed being around children so I’m really happy they’re not in my life.

I’ve always loathed being around children too, but can confirm that it is true what they say - even if you don’t like other people’s children, it is different with your own.

I was never sure about kids but DH was very keen. Now I have a 6.5 month old DD and the jury’s still out from my POV. It’s very, very hard and I miss a lot of the things that child-free people have mentioned on this thread: freedom, lie-ins, spontaneity.

I disagree with the poster who mentioned drinking fine wine as a benefit of being child free though. I most definitely still drink wine!

UnderTheSea183945 · 23/10/2020 09:24

50+ child free by choice
Never any regrets
The right decision for me

whatkatydid2013 · 23/10/2020 09:27

I spent a lot of years not wanting children and people would always say ah but you’ll change your mind. At some point in my early 30’s I did change my mind and we now have two daughters. It still annoys me immensely when people say see told you you’d change your mind like it was inevitable. I never understand why people who do have kids, and therefore must know about all the things that are hard as well as the things that are great about having kids, don’t get that some people just don’t want any.
I didn’t ever want a baby really and I didn’t desperately enjoy lots of the experience of having a baby. I love spending time with the kids now they are bigger and interact with me.
To me as long it’s a choice then the plus side of both having kids and not having kids is essentially the same. You get to choose what you want to do. Downside of having kids or not having kids and then hitting menopause is you will at some point reach a stage there is no changing your mind and it may then be pretty awful if you do. If you are unsure and stay child free at least if you one day regret it you’ve only impacted yourself where if you go the other way you end up with a child that would likely pick up on being regretted. I suspect many people who have kids & are happy would also live very happy lives without them but I’m equally sure that many people who don’t want kids would find they really enjoyed many aspects of parenting if they had a “surprise” baby. No one should need a reason to not want to have a baby anymore than they need a reason to not want to go on holiday abroad or to drink alcohol or to do anything else that’s generally commonplace but not everyone does.

JorisBonson · 23/10/2020 09:30

35, childfree by choice.

I don't like children. I don't want that level of responsibility. DH and I enjoy a clean, tidy house, days and nights out as and when we want them and quiet times when we don't.

Plus I don't want to ever push a live human being out of my vagina.

JorisBonson · 23/10/2020 09:33

Also, the world is a complete shitshow right now. I often wish I could run away from it, never mind having a poor kid who has to clean up the mess for the rest of their life.

AlmaBaldwin · 23/10/2020 09:37

@cherrytree975

I’ve just always loathed being around children so I’m really happy they’re not in my life.

I’ve always loathed being around children too, but can confirm that it is true what they say - even if you don’t like other people’s children, it is different with your own.

I was never sure about kids but DH was very keen. Now I have a 6.5 month old DD and the jury’s still out from my POV. It’s very, very hard and I miss a lot of the things that child-free people have mentioned on this thread: freedom, lie-ins, spontaneity.

I disagree with the poster who mentioned drinking fine wine as a benefit of being child free though. I most definitely still drink wine!

Maybe if that
lastqueenofscotland · 23/10/2020 09:39

I am by choice.
I have a close family member who’s adult daughter will never be independent and it’s a huge strain on her elderly widowed mother and that scares me
I like that I have such a large disposable income
I adore my career and wouldn’t be willing to sacrifice that
I’ve several friends who are child free by choice and very very happy.
I also wouldn’t want to bring a child into the environmental shit show that this planet is.

AlmaBaldwin · 23/10/2020 09:39

Sorry, I pressed post by accident. I meant to say - maybe if that poster had children they wouldn't be able to afford fine wine so to them it is a benefit of being childfree.

Panticus · 23/10/2020 09:49

Childfree by choice here and very, very happy with my decision - mid to late 30s and have an excellent relationship with my husband and a very comfortable lifestyle (both financially,, mentally and physically). I actually had a bit of a wobble in my early 30s and found MN absolutely invaluable in helping me guide me towards understanding what I really wanted.

Almost all of my close friends have kids and I can totally understand why people want them and how people can get so much pleasure from them, so I don't feel sorry for my friends with children at all. I do, however, think they are bloody amazing for slogging it out and sacrificing so much for their kids. I just never felt any urge to have them myself and can see how much work and self-sacrifice it involves - it looks tough and unrewarding from the outside (but again, I know that there are also lots of positives that I also cannot see, but am happy not to experience).

On a more controversial note, I am not worried about being lonely in old age purely because I intend to ensure I have the means to be able to "take myself out" before I get to the point of needing care. I am very comfortable with the concept of euthanasia or suicide and have no interest whatsoever in ending up in a care home or the like. I know that I cannot necessarily control that 100% but I will take as many steps as I can to make sure that I have control over my fate. The concept of "leaving a legacy" does not resonate with me whatsoever, I am quite happy to be nothing more than the rich quirky aunty who left a good inheritance to her nieces and nephews Grin

MN has been a huge support for me and I have put so much thought into my decision. It really is an absolutely invaluable resource to be able to hear from parents and childfree and childless posters alike.

MmeCamenbert · 23/10/2020 09:57

@ilikebooksandplants 😂😂😂😂 love it!!!!

CounsellorTroi · 23/10/2020 10:04

I have another reason for being glad that having children did not work out for us. I am the daughter of an older father - he was 50 when I was born. Older fathers have a higher risk of children with ASD and learning difficulties and their daughters are at higher risk of having affected children too. I am 90% sure that I have ADHD and I have Asperger traits too. Add to that my DH is 10 years older than me. So there would have been a definite risk if I had miraculously got pregnant in my 40s and he in his 50s. If I had known all this when I was ttc then we might not have tried to conceive at all.

DownThePlath · 23/10/2020 10:07

Whilst i'm still quite young, I am child free by choice, and will absolutely remain that way.

Dp and I value our: holidays, disposable income, peaceful nights, fun weekends, spontaneity etc, far more than we value the idea of a child.

I suppose in a way I am quite selfish, in that I cannot bear the thought of another human talking over my life and money, and stopping me doing what I want when I want. My personal time is far too important to me.

grapewine · 23/10/2020 10:16

I never understood why the childfree by choice are so often said to be selfish in not wanting children. People don't decide to start a family for the greater good. They do it because that's what they want. It isn't for some altruistic reason.

Onxob · 23/10/2020 10:24

Bemused by the parents getting so defensive about other women's decisions! You must have to be very insecure in your choices to become so threatened by a different viewpoint. I hate that childfree women are subjected to such ignorant judgment for making what I consider a very valid, thoughtful choice.

I have children but absolutely see why someone would choose not to. Most of the comments here are bang on. I don't feel the desperate need to justify my choices and don't expect other women to have to justify theirs. I have daughters and I hope they feel comfortable enough to make their choices with the conviction shown by some of the posters on here, whatever those choices should be. Women with the confidence to be secure in their decisions should always be lauded IMO!

greenskylark · 23/10/2020 10:47

This tread is interesting. Glad to see various POV. We travelled alot, lots of freedom for hobbies and cash years before having kids. It got boring. Don't get me wrong, we still love travelling but life got abit "Is this all there is?"

We have always wanted kids. We wanted the chance to bring them up to be amazing people. And we did. Oh boy, the first 5 years was hard work. Sleeplessness, sickness, life revolves around their schedules, etc. I stopped working to look after them full-time. Also to take more on so that my husband can concentrate in bringing the money in. Don't get me wrong, they were the cutest but so all consuming! Then ..after that, they got more and more independent, their character and personality became clearer. They slowly became their own person. Daily life got easier year by year for us. I got back to work. Their converstations with us got more and more interesting. We took the chance to help them form their critical thinking skills etc.

They are now growing teen and tween.Other than driving them around for activities and monitoring their academic side of things, the rest of our time belongs to us (Sleeping in on weekends, Indulging in our own hobbies etc). Travelling with them got so much more interesting. We explore diversed places like Iceland and Hong Kong together. We watch the news together. They share their thoughts, ambition and dreams with us. Also, their struggles and dissapointments. We are there to support them all along the way. Genuinely looking forward to them graduating, fullfilling their full potentials, have their own family etc.

So for us, having survived the baby tunnel and came out the other side, what we got and still getting from having kids is more than worth it! No other ways can we love and be loved so unconditionally. Life is so full.

Just putting our own experience out there for those that are still on the fence. I respect the fact that it's not everyone's cup of tea and life without kids can be equally fun. but life with kids is not all that bad either :)

ZoeTurtle · 23/10/2020 10:54

I love being childfree and can't imagine ever wanting to changing it. I can't imagine wanting to cohabit with a partner again for similar reasons. I can do what I want when I want. I don't have to consider other people when making job/housing decisions. I can go on holiday when I feel like it. Nobody wakes me up at night. I don't have to change nappies or clean up vomit. I can eat what I want and I don't have to cook for anyone else.

I wouldn't give up that freedom for the world. The idea of having children is hell to me.