Childfree life

[uka888]

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

Life with kids is 'all that bad' if you don't want a life with kids though.

Over 50 child free by choice.

No negatives I can think of. Live in a lovely little community where I see a few elderly people with no kids living full lives and who I know have been visited and assisted in times of trouble by the community. Whereas a lot of the ones with kids have kids living on the other side of the world or at least hundreds of miles away with lives of their own. They are also helped by the community of course

Positives? Well I've never really thought of those either. I've just been living my life without seeing anything missing really. I only think about it when I see problems with kids here or in my wider family and think "oh goodness - rather them than me!"

@AlmaBaldwin

Life with kids is 'all that bad' if you don't want a life with kids though.

This.

@CounsellorTroi

Having children isn't a guarantee that you won't be lonely in old age anyway.

Agreed. Not a single one of my numerous siblings sees my mother’s company as anything other than a difficult duty. I have no contact with the poisonous old baggage for the sake of my mental health. I’m childfree by choice (didn’t want to risk continuing the cycle of poor parenting). I’m now late 40s and menopausal - no regrets. I’m not worried about being lonely as I have good friends and the few family members I’m in contact with are enough for me. I’m not only happy with my choice, but feel that it was ethically right too.

No downsides whatsoever! Never once regretted it.

This is indeed an interesting thread!

I wasn’t particularly broody and had hardly any experience with babies and young children before I had my son. We thought we would never be able to have kids because I had very low ovarian reserve and were very upset about that, as it seemed all my pals got pregnant without difficulty! Then, about 18 months after that diagnosis, I got pregnant unexpectedly and now have my lovely little boy.

The thing that interests me is that, although he was much longed-for, that did not insure against the risk of PND. We found the first year of his life really challenging (not helped by lockdown, with which I’m sure many parents can sympathise). We are coming out the other side now - he is much more interactive and starting to talk and he’s just a joy. But I won’t have any more (not least because I probably can’t!) I’m an only child myself and didn’t have too negative an experience of that. My good pal will have four under 5 come March and that is my idea of absolute hell on Earth, to be honest. All the “oh but you’ll have a big brood and a noisy, busy house once they’re older” couldn’t make me put my life on hold for the best part of a decade, seriously limit my career, mean I’m permanently tired etc.

But she seems happy enough. They were all planned.

Horses for courses!

I have two kids, and I love it.

I don't get the whole "have kids so I won't be lonely in old age thing". If people need support in very old age, it's usually for less than a decade.

Why would you give up 2 decades in the prime of your life doing some you hated, so that you may or may not have more support for a shorter period at the end of your life?

I'm not child-free and I don't regret having a child at all, I wouldn't change her for the world.

But I wasn't overly fussed about having children and in a parallel universe where I hadn't had them I think I would have been fine with it -- I even wonder whether I brainwashed myself into it against my own natural inclination in some ways.

I've noticed also that my child-free friends are much happier since they've passed reproductive age. Women get a vast amount of bullying and pressure in their late 20s/early 30s to think about starting a family and I think it can persuade those of us who wouldn't naturally want children that they actually do just to fit in with what society wants.

When you emerge, blinking into the sunlight post menopause and realise you are richer, freer and with far less baggage it must be a great feeling!

Childfree by choice, rapidly reaching the age of no return and absolutely no regrets. I never had the remotest desire to have children so I didn't. I don't find being around them remotely enjoyable.
I love it being just DH and I, with nothing to interfere in our just hanging about together being best friends.

I'm not a mean childfree person who is horrible about people that do have them, I do always try to be kind and supportive to parents.

@SelkieQualia Totally agree with this. In the case of my grandmother who died at the age of 93, she was only in a paid nursing home for the last two months of her life and lived totally independently until then. Before that (from the age of 65+) she was in a communal block of flats for the elderly and had a whale of a time with all of the social stuff there. I honestly don't think our visits once a month were a massive deal to her, as she already had a great social life there.

With all the money you save by not having children, you can also afford to pay out more money for care in old age too. So don't really understand the argument for having children to look after you in old age. Just pay for a carer with all the money you save!

Another child free by choice woman here.

I don’t hate children and I certainly don’t live some glamorous lifestyle.

For me it’s more that I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mother. I’m pretty sure I put more thought into getting my puppy than many put into bringing a new person into the work and taking responsibility for their upbringing.

I’m on long term antidepressants for mental health issues. I also suspect that I’m on the autism spectrum or have dyspraxia but have never been formally diagnosed. My mum has serious issues with anxiety and it had a big impact on my childhood. Honestly, most of the time just looking after me and my dog is enough of a challenge!

I won’t lie, I have twinges of regret sometimes. Babies and small children are adorable. Shame they turn into teenagers ...

I see is a big dumb smelly creature that wants and wants and wants, covers your home in hair, needs grooming, exercising and generally minding like a young child would with the additional down side that they are NEVER going to change.

I'm not arguing with your dislike of pets in itself, but you're wrong to suggest that all pets need minding like a young child. That's one of the things I love about my cats - they are very happy when left to their own devices. Even a very young cat can be left home alone all day while you're at work. My cats love attention (if they're in the mood for it) but they don't need any 'minding' whatsoever.

Very late 40s, and never, ever wanted children. I hate domesticity, and repeated housework and I know I'd hate the drudge of looking after other people, selflessly, long term.

I live and work abroad, and love the freedom and flexibility I have. I (well not at the moment, thanks COVID/upcoming BREXIT) can go pretty much anywhere I want to work or live without thinking of anyone but myself. I know this isn't going to suit lots of people but I know myself and its what's right for me.

Basically, I am massively selfish, and have set my life up so I can do what I want, whilst trying to minimise the harm to other people (by not having a husband, children etc)

... sorry, posted too soon.

And when you say they are never going to change - much as I would give anything for my cats to have a human lifespan, it's a sad fact that they rarely live to more than 20, if that. Other pets have much shorter lifespans. A child, barring tragedy, is going to be there for your whole life - with whatever needs he or she has, which won't necessarily stop when they turn 18.

Even assuming you have a well adjusted and confident child who is off your hands (so to speak) on reaching adulthood - if you'd got a cat, that would be around the time it was reaching the end of life - if you'd got a dog/rabbit/hamster you'd have said goodbye long ago - so I can't agree that (most) pets bring anything like the burden of children either in duration of their needy phase or in the length of time you are responsible for them.

After several failed IVF cycles that door has closed and we opened another. It was tough at first accepting that but now we are loving life. We are both high earners, on course to pay off the mortgage early, lots of time for travel, going out, sports and hobbies. Although we have made an effort to maintain contact with friends who became parents we have noticed a definate element of sidelining and we in turn have gravitated towards new friendship groups that are child free.

I think one of the biggest reasons I dont want children is the fear of labour and pregnancy.

Then there's also the long term damage it can do to your body.

And finally theres the fact that I know lots of women who are essentially prisoners of their own lives: divorced but stuck where they are because of the children.

I was helping a friend look for a new place in a new town (she cant change region though she desperately wants to because he wants access to the kids) and it was just depressing seeing what little choice she had on her budget because obviously she needs a 3 bed.

I think theres another unspoken (and maybe subconscious) reason most people have kids, as well as social pressure: existential meaning. When you dont have kids, you really have to reflect on what your life is about (if you're that why inclined). If you have kids you kind of get to cop out of that reflection: "my kids are my life!".

It appears as if we can’t have children, tried for a few years, done fertility drugs, IVF etc etc. We are probably giving up at the end of this year. I’m not thrilled by this but we appear to be chasing an impossible dream. I have zero interest in adoption so that’s the end of the road for us

Negatives are other people assumptions about leaving it too late (we were 36 and 38), we have “tried” enough (we truly have) and that we are selfish. Just because other people find it super straightforward to have children, then they assume that’s everyone’s experience. Oh and the fact your life is “easy” is something lm sick of hearing. Some friends and acquaintances make it clear they think we live the life of Riley. We both have challenging jobs and have the life stressors others have including infertility. It’s not one big party

Oh and yeah it does change friendship dynamics. For some it’s fine and it’s as it always was. Others think as you don’t have children you need to dance to their tune constantly e.g. crazy demands like get up at 5am to go to see them (that’s not a typo!). As well as any challenge you have in life, they say TRYING HAVING CHILDREN! Err we did but failed

@SoddingWeddings yep it’s very frustrating isn’t it. Everyone assumed l was the issue but it’s actually my younger male partner. Lazy response by doctors all round really

GoldfishParade

"When you dont have kids, you really have to reflect on what your life is about (if you're that why inclined). If you have kids you kind of get to cop out of that reflection: "my kids are my life!"."

This is true and quite depressing. I always think that's a bit of a sign of someone without much else to think/talk about.

Obviously your kids should be the most important element of your life and you should put them first but if you have no life beyond your kids you're setting yourself up for misery once they move out. Depending to that degree on another human being for validation or a sense of self-worth isn't healthy.

@thepeopleversuswork

Well I know a lot of women with kids who have loads of meaning in their life. But I think kids definitely fill a kind of philosophical void, and I know that most of my childfree friends including myself are on a continuous quest for meaning - and we have said before that maybe it has something to do with no having kids. Almost like if you've had kids then in an abstract way you have completed a life task. And as we dont have kids, we feel a gap not because we want kids, but because we are searching for something that will also have been our life task. My group of friends are massive overthinkers though 😂

In terms of the positives then less drudgery for me. Less of a negative impact on our relationship, l have been clear all along that l would be expecting 50/50 off my partner as much as is practical and l wouldn't be a martyr doing everything. Work is going well and we are both progressing at a similar rate. Longer term we are planning to cut back our hours at work, travel more and devote more time to hobbies

@Marmunia1975

It's still possible to enjoy luxury hols with children. I didn't want kids at all, but panicked when I hit 37. One DD (9) and we go to the Seychelles, Maldives, Barbados and DD loves the watersports etc..... We've been holidaying since she was 10 months old.

I think finances would rule this out for a lot of people . Aside from the expense of children : often parents work fewer hours or don't fo for more demanding promotion roles so their earning capacity can be less .

@HeretoThereandBackAgain l am afraid you are right, having children makes most people more selfish. With lots of expectations about being “owed” and “entitled” to things. Like you said Christmas leave, Covid etc

Plenty of people without children can’t afford luxury hotels. It’s a myth we’re all rolling in it.

I used to be childfree by choice. I loved my independence, tidy home, being able to travel whenever I wanted, more disposable income etc etc. Those were the main reasons. I loved it.

However now I've had a child I can say that my life is much better and more enriched by it than I ever thought it would be. Years ago I would've called bullshit on anyone who said this. I even posted threads on MN worrying that I'd miss my old life but I really would not be without my son now, motherhood really is incredible and has made everything better.
I don't like other people's children though