Childfree life

[uka888]

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

Probably not my place to comment but I do have a child and I totally understand and respect those that do not wish to have one. To say the least, this is my first and will be my last and I do love my child but I never want anything to do with children ever again after this one grows up. I admire anyone who doesn't chose to have a child and I'm secretly jealous of your peaceful evenings, your freedoms and how you chose to spend your time. Btw, even though I have a child, there's no guarantee my child will look out for me or visit me when I'm old.

DH and i love good wine, beach holidays, peaceful evenings watching films, good dinners out, barbecues with friends. We both have successful careers we enjoy.

the two DC haven't managed to interfere with us enjoying life yet

Some people seem terribly threatened and upset by those who choose, freely and happily, not to have kids.

It's the threads like this where posters pity those with children and imply their lives are tedious/boring/unrecognisable.

I don't pity those childfree by choice.
You can have a fun fulfilling life either way.

I never wanted children and have health conditions and disabilities meaning raising a child would be difficult. It isn't that I mind children but I don't think am a natural mother type, except to my very spoiled and happy pets

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Yes, precisely.

I don’t think it matters if you want children or not really, unless you do but can’t have them or don’t but fall pregnant obviously.

I don’t judge or care if people do or don’t want kids but as the majority tend too, on the rare occasion I come across people who don’t, I do like to ask questions about it, hoping they are comfortable to say, as it’s obviously something I have no experience or perspective off...having children myself and find it all rather fascinating.

I do have one friend who was completely and utterly against having kids and hated them...she now has two (willingly, she changed her mind) and I find that fascinating too, I like people that are different or think different to me.

I'm 30, partner is 35. Neither of us are especially interested in parenting, and due to various things will be getting to the point of our lives where we have disposable income a bit later than we'd like. We've no interest in putting our plans on hold for a child neither of us are no more than indifferent to the idea of. Neither of us particularly like children that much, either - we just basically don't think we're suited to being parents and it doesn't fit with what we wanted from life and seeing our friends go through it now cements that for us.

I suppose it could seem a bit lonely to an outsider at times - our friendship circle has got smaller, and neither of us have much family. But I don't want to have a child for the sake of making acquaintances or friends at baby group because we have 'having children' in common, or to keep us company. We've both got interests and hobbies that keep us busy and plan to do a lot of travelling when we can and when we get debt sorted next year following some inheritance we're very lucky to be getting. We have a lot of freedom, and time, and I value both of those things very highly, so I'm really happy with my (and our collective) choice.

@PurpleDaisies

I wish more people with fertility issues had your attitude.

That’s very easy to say when you’ve wanted and had children.

Agreed Purple such a patronising facile comment, unfortunately have heard plenty of those.

No children here, not by choice, treatment has not worked.
Having free time is no consolation when we'd very much like our time to be taken up with children.
No luxury holidays recently, all the ££££ have gone on fertility treatment.

I know someone has mentioned about having no regrets, pleased that some can achieve that but can't imagine it for us, it has been a very difficult experience.

I'm 61 and childfree by choice. No regrets at all.

I love not having children. It’s nothing to do with money or holidays or career, I’ve just always loathed being around children so I’m really happy they’re not in my life.

[quote Onlyherefortheconspiracies]@ilikebooksandplants I feel exactly the same. Two people I know who are utterly skint and have had no work through lockdown have posted about their pregnancies and I've just felt incredulous. Obviously I don't say anything and have been supportive as it's not my place and I'm not a horrible person but as I see it, there lives would be so much easier without.[/quote]
Same with a friend of mine. Their earning has gone down 40%, they have a mortgage they can barely pay, lots of debt, can't afford childcare for the one toddler they have but actively decided to get pregnant two weeks into lockdown because, she said, a new baby was something to look forward to. Fell pregnant first month of trying.

She has said to me now that Covid isnt going away that she wishes she hadn't been so dumb (her words!). Baby is due soon and I'm sure she won't feel that way when he/she arrives though. :)

Child free by choice. I've never been around children since I was a child myself and so I started lurking mumsnet about 10 years ago to get peoples experiences of being a parent to help me make up my mind. I don't think I could afford the childcare and I don't want the hassle of 'making it work'. I'm not great with small people anyway probably because I've just not been around them but I'm not up for finding out if I could be. I'm content with my life and a child wouldn't enhance that experience. Dh is happy with this too.

I’m early 40’s with no children. I’ve never wanted them and for years I kept expecting to all of a sudden feel my biological clock ticking, but it never happened.
The idea of being pregnant and giving birth terrified me and I also didn’t want to be a mum. I used to say that I’d have preferred to be a dad - sad as it is, women still do the vast bulk of the child rearing in most cases, and great as my husband is, it would definitely been me doing most of the work.
I’m glad we didn’t have any, but I have two nieces who I adore and occasionally wonder what it would have been like if we’d had children. I do worry about being alone when I’m older (even though I know children are no guarantee of company).
All the women in my family greatly outlived their husbands and I’m scared this will happen to me and I’ll have nobody. But that’s not a good reason to have had a child.

Another difficulty is that it’s harder to make friends as an adult if you have no children. As various friends have drifted away as they’ve had them, they’ve made new friends through NCT and then school. Apart from hobby groups, I wish there was an easier way for child free people to meet and make friends.

Some people seem terribly threatened and upset by those who choose, freely and happily, not to have kids.

Why would someone feel threatened by you . If people started a thread calling 'child free' people boring, materialistic, self centred and lacking in the ability to care for anyone other than themselves for example there would be uproar. Its OK though to say that mums have 'destroyed' their bodies, are boring and selfish.
By all means talk about not having kids but surely you have the ability to that without denigrating those who choose to and then acting all wide eyed when people call you out on it.

LongerthanMrTicklesarms Thu 22-Oct-20 22:37:52
PurpleDaisies

I wish more people with fertility issues had your attitude.

That’s very easy to say when you’ve wanted and had children.

Agreed Purple such a patronising facile comment, unfortunately have heard plenty of those.
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Oh I am sorry, I didn't mean to upset anyone. I have never said and would never say that to anyone in real life but was responding to a poster who did take a positive attitude after coming to terms with infertility.

I do realise it is very distressing to be infertile; my parents had endless infertility treatment with no result and adopted me after eighteen and a half years of marriage so i have some insight.

I find the feelings of being left out worse than any longing for a child. That's quite pathetic to admit but at 36 I've accepted I won't have children. I only wanted one anyway, anymore just seemed like too much hard work and I'm not particularly devastated about it.
I do feel excluded and the odd one out though, always awkward when people at work or friends are discussing their kids and I'm like "Yeah, my niece does that too".

Oh yes. When you're the only non parent at a gathering and everyone is discussing SATS or GCSEs or whatever. Or swopping birth stories.

It's the threads like this where posters pity those with children and imply their lives are tedious/boring/unrecognisable

Absolutely. I made a choice to have a child and it was nothing to do with following social convention or wanting someone to take care of me in my old age. Of my childless friends - some of them chose it and for them I’m happy and some did not. I’m sorry that they are sad about that. But seriously... some of the digs here against “ boring” mums at the school gates, old looking Etc. You’re very much looking in and making an opinion based on your particular biases. A lot of mums I know work in the media ( Channel 4 producer, magazine editors, illustrators etc) or are setting up their own businesses... you might find that boring but I don’t. They have pets, they go on foreign holidays, they work out, they look good. I work from home, I have a PT. I read a lot, I go for dinner, cocktails, exhibitions in London regularly. My 8 year old hasn’t caused me a sleepless night since she was 3. If I’m not sleeping now we can blame the damn menopause - I think you’ll find that’s the great leveller. So don’t waste your pity on me and I agree not to pity you.

Oh I am sorry, I didn't mean to upset anyone. I have never said and would never say that to anyone in real life but was responding to a poster who did take a positive attitude after coming to terms with infertility.

Thanks for apologising. I would just point out that it was pretty predictable that people who haven’t been able to have children not through choice would show up on a thread like this. It doesn’t really matter to me that you wouldn’t say it in real life. People in that situation read it here.

It really isn’t as simple as deciding to take a positive attitude.

Child free due to Mother Nature deciding for us. Now over 50 and working ina school - I’m extremely glad that she did. Children would have totally wrecked our life and my mental health.
Having family is zero guarantee of a non lonely old age - something I’ve sadly had first hand experience of with my own parents and parents in law.
Plus points, we be had more freedom to do things, even if that has meant caring for elderly relatives, more freedom with work, more disposable income, freedom to choose where we live, and for me the opportunity to be ‘that auntie’ to my best friends child, and do those fun things like spoiling them rotten.
I don’t have any pangs of sadness for what might have been, because I know it wouldn’t have been a happy family.

I want to be childfree all my life... Perhaps if the economic situation wasn't so terrible for my generation I'd feel differently, but the only way I can imagine I'll ever transcend childhood poverty is to make sure I don't have children

By all means talk about not having kids but surely you have the ability to that without denigrating those who choose to and then acting all wide eyed when people call you out on it.

@OuiOuiKitty oh give the fuck over. That’s not what I’m saying at all, nor am I “acting all wide-eyed” - I’m going on my past experience where people have told me to my face how unreasonable I am not to have children, that it’s “just what you do” and that it’s “not fair”. I genuinely don’t get why some people’s reaction to someone saying they don’t want children (and it’s amazing how many people feel they can pry on this matter and ask you why, when no one ever asked anyone with children why they had them) is to get pissy with you, or to try and convince you why you’re wrong and will certainly change your mind/regret it. I also genuinely don’t understand where the “not fair” comes from, like I’ve dodged a bullet they couldn’t, or I haven’t pulled my weight.

To you and @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland, I don’t see many people here denigrating the lives of those who have children, just honest reasons why a life with children isn’t for them. I can say that I would hate something without that being derogatory to those who enjoy it.

@OuiOuiKitty perhaps you could clarify what part of my first post is derogatory to parents?

I was sterilized at 29, back in the days when women were trusted to know their own minds.

The surgeon who operated on me told me during the obligatory counselling session that he had sterilized thousands of women, and the only ones who regretted it and asked for a reversal were women who already had children. Women like me who didn't have them and knew they never wanted them strongly enough to seek a sterilization just went on to lead happy, childfree lives.

And thirty years later I can confirm that he was bang on.

I do have a large number of childfree friends, which helps. We do tend to flock together

I'm sure it isn't. I know my mother had terrible sadness about being unable to have children; she'd taken it for granted that she would having come from a very large family of which she was the youngest, and seeing her brothers and sisters having children. I don't think she ever really got past that, even after she and my dad adopted me.

Nobody knows what is in store.
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Jericoo Fri 23-Oct-20 01:00:39
I want to be childfree all my life... Perhaps if the economic situation wasn't so terrible for my generation I'd feel differently, but the only way I can imagine I'll ever transcend childhood poverty is to make sure I don't have children.
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That is sad. I wonder if you mean having a child would add to childhood poverty generally just by increasing the population or that your child would face it.

People are still having children and plenty of those children will not face poverty because of their parents' work. I think it is important to make sure you have marketable skills and will be able to earn a reasonable living long term (health permitting of course). There will always be a demand for some professions/work,

At the moment I do 'get' that it is difficult to scrape together a house deposit, resulting in young people renting or even living with parents for longer than they used to. That must be quite demoralising. In addition to the looming recession which will inevitably follow the pandemic. We have however survived recessions in the past and gone on to thrive within a few years so never give up hope; life goes on. You may change your mind if your prospects are brighter.

My son (only child) is a musician and all concerts were cancelled in February when he and his colleagues were sent home from France because of Covid. Consequently he has earned no regular money since then. Luckily he can do other things and has been working hard at home but life is uncertain, as it is for so many at the moment.

Good luck for your future whatever you decide to do.