Childfree life

[uka888]

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

@Marlena1

I hate the arguement that people with children are selfless and have a better awareness. I get up at 6 to get bottles/put netflix on etc because I have to, not because I want to. There is no alternative. Plus having had children later, I was often excluded from conversations. I went to a hen in 2015 and was the only non-mom. Not once did anyone say "hey let's stop talkin about our kids/pregnancy/childbirth" for three full days. Hell. And the "love like no other" argument drives me mad. You only have to look at the relationship board to see the (largely abusive and lazy) partners who come before children.

Yes - not to mention those who become single-mindedly selfish on behalf of their children.

It's the ultimate "I'm alright Jack" - if a system benefits their children they'll use it or vote for it even if it disadvantages other children or society at large.

That's pretty fundamental evolutionary hard wiring. Parents are innately selfish on behalf of their children (including doing good things so long as they advantage their children). The only thing that tops it is being selfish on their own behalf.

I am in a similar position OP and have found this thread useful so thanks for starting it!

I always assumed I would have kids, grew up wanting them, not able to imagine life without them etc. Then my first couple of friends had kids, I saw the reality and it completely put me off! Now happily married and DH and I are trying to work out what to do (of course we may have fertility issues we don’t know about as we haven’t started trying yet).

Despite some people being upset by her posts I’ve actually found @MinnieMous3 ‘s posts helpful as I think the option of having just one child isn’t really talked about much. It’s always “do you want kids? plural. And if you were to say “I just want one”, lots of people would respond “oh but won’t they be lonely?!”

I think it could actually be a good option for us as I think the real difficulties with parenting come when you have your second child - that’s when I’ve noticed women’s careers seem to take a real nosedive and I’ve read it’s statistically when most marriages are most likely to fail. Also, it just sounds messy and noisy and complicated to me, as well as dragging the pain out for longer. Whereas I think I’d be ok going through pregnancy, childbirth and the newborn stage if I knew it was just that one time and single children don’t seem to bring the mayhem with them that two or more do.

Also I know sooo many people who don’t get on with or aren’t close to their siblings so I never get why it’s trotted out that kids just HAVE to have a sibling! What, so they can practice arguing all the time at home?

Still on the fence but may think about just having the one, so thanks for your input @minnie (and for those of you she upset; this is a thread about childfree people not about infertility so you were actually just derailing the thread for your own purposes)

I’m not child free. My eldest is in her thirties and has no desire to have children. She may change her mind of course but I definitely don’t blame her. People find it weird though and a friend recently asked her if she had thought about freezing her eggs!

The thing is though conkergame you can't guarantee what you're going to get.

I get the idea of just having one and it'll be fine - I'm an only child - but you might have a multiple pregnancy
You might have a child with additional needs which blows away the idea that you can go back to your career easily once they're old enough for nursery/school
You might have a child who will never be independent and need to live at home forever
You might not have all of the above but you might have a child who turns out to be a complete shit regardless of your parenting

This is why I find it so hard to decide.

Probably if someone could guarantee me a healthy child who would grow up to have a long and happy life, and who I would have a good relationship with, I'd be tempted to go for it.

But it's the "what if" risks that seem so life-alteringly enormous that keep me very firmly on the fence. I can't think of any other decision in life that is so irreversible, risky and impactful. And yet people just seem to crack on and do it, without much thought, which I find mystifying (and that's not a criticism) - just, how??? Weren't you terrified?

and for those of you she upset; this is a thread about childfree people not about infertility so you were actually just derailing the thread for your own purposes

That's nice

Also completely illogical @Conkergame
So you're accusing childless people of 'derailing' the thread because it's about being childfree, but not an actual parent with an actual child

Just to be clear - I think many parents have made some really valuable contributions in this thread and all should be welcome. The different perspectives are useful - just not the hypocrisy and unpleasant sneering at people childfree not by choice

@itsalonghaul

You know what they say, "Opinions are like arseholes. We've all got one".

Well, yours stinks.

@Cavagirl that’s a very good point. I don’t think many people think about the possibility of having a child with severe disabilities or maybe they think they would be able to find out in advance and have the chance to terminate, but that’s not always the case.

Also the chance of multiples - seems small although I’ve read there’s been an increase recently, probably due to women having children later in life and also an increase in IVF. Even more to think about!

@Handsoffstrikesagain some have, others have hounded people like @MinnieMous3 when actually they have a valid contribution to make to help people like me and the OP make up our minds

[quote Conkergame]@Cavagirl that’s a very good point. I don’t think many people think about the possibility of having a child with severe disabilities or maybe they think they would be able to find out in advance and have the chance to terminate, but that’s not always the case.

Also the chance of multiples - seems small although I’ve read there’s been an increase recently, probably due to women having children later in life and also an increase in IVF. Even more to think about!

@Handsoffstrikesagain some have, others have hounded people like @MinnieMous3 when actually they have a valid contribution to make to help people like me and the OP make up our minds[/quote]
Well I guess birds of a feather....

@Veterinari thank you from a childless one ;)

[quote Daisyroselondon]@Veterinari thank you from a childless one ;)[/quote]
No problems @Daisyroselondon
I find it odd that some people literally only think about themselves.

and @Handsoffstrikesagain x

@Veterinari I do too. It's been a seriously upsetting / unaware of others thread.

@Cavagirl

The thing is though conkergame you can't guarantee what you're going to get.

I get the idea of just having one and it'll be fine - I'm an only child - but you might have a multiple pregnancy
You might have a child with additional needs which blows away the idea that you can go back to your career easily once they're old enough for nursery/school
You might have a child who will never be independent and need to live at home forever
You might not have all of the above but you might have a child who turns out to be a complete shit regardless of your parenting

This is why I find it so hard to decide.

Probably if someone could guarantee me a healthy child who would grow up to have a long and happy life, and who I would have a good relationship with, I'd be tempted to go for it.

But it's the "what if" risks that seem so life-alteringly enormous that keep me very firmly on the fence. I can't think of any other decision in life that is so irreversible, risky and impactful. And yet people just seem to crack on and do it, without much thought, which I find mystifying (and that's not a criticism) - just, how??? Weren't you terrified?

100%!

I’d be tempted too if I knew all worked out ok. It’s the unknown! You just never know though. It gives me the absolute fear.

this is a thread about childfree people not about infertility so you were actually just derailing the thread for your own purposes

@Conkergame You missed the point.

Having a single child is not having a foot in the childfree camp, which is what that poster was saying. It's also incredibly hurtful to those who are childless (not by choice) and a tactless thing to say.

I'm sure people considering whether to have children or not are aware they can choose to have one child if they wish, and don't need it pointing out to them as an option.

@SecretSpAD

We did adopt ours - they are my husbands sisters children and we inherited them when she died a few years ago. They were teenagers by then and, of course, we'd known them practically their entire lives. It's been a tough road - especially as we didn't want children.

I felt resentful for a while - still do sometimes - and angry. So angry with their mother for being a fuck up and then dying and leaving us to look after them. The kids too had a lot of anger, grief and confusion. They knew us as the cool aunt and uncle, but suddenly we were parental figures and were telling them off for not doing homework.

To cut a long story short, it took a lot of individual and family therapy to get past those initial feelings. And time. And love and faking the love when we didn't feel it.

We've now, at their request, formally adopted them and we're happy with our choices and love them and can't imagine life without them.....

But it was a long journey and even now, I can't help thinking sometimes that I didn't want this. I didn't want to be a parent - they call us mum and dad now which is both heartbreakingly wonderful but also claustrophobic.

We'll muddle through, the four of us, and hopefully we won't fuck them up too much....

Your kids sound amazing and I'm sure that's down to having such an incredible parent in you - they're very lucky to have you

@Handsoffstrikesagain I hope baby #4 has made an appearance, or if not, you're as comfortable as possible!

My brother and his wife and my sister and her husband have never wanted kids. I think 2 out of 3 siblings not wanting kids is rather unusual. All 4 have amazing careers / nice cars / hobbies / a good social life / lots great holidays. I don't have any of those and even without having children I know I wouldn't. They have a great lifestyle and I can see why they haven't had kids (yet?). I know you can still have all of that with children. Their lives have kept them busy they are literally never home. Only since lockdown have they thought about it. For selfish reasons I wish they had had kids. Mine are 9 and 11 this summer but I would have liked my kids to grow up with cousins.

They are all great with my kids though. They have them over night but are happy to hand them back lol.

So my husband and I have spoken and spoken. My mood has been in my boots about my indecision. I’ve been very tearful and it’s consumed me. I’ve asked him to make the final choice.

He thinks we should be childfree.
My level of indecision was too much and was making me ill. This without doubt has been the hardest debate I’ve had.

I am maternal but that can come in different shapes and forms. Having a child for old age isn’t good enough. Or incase I regret not doing it. We’d not cope with additional needs and that is so unpredictable and a gamble. Obviously lots of screening can happen in pregnancy but not for all conditions such as autism which obviously is a spectrum but can be extreme. My husband is late 40s so apparently the risk increases.

Mumsnet has helped so much.

I have 5DC and I very much can see the benefits of being child free.

Until you have had one, it is impossible to know just how hard it is. Yes it is a love like no other, but it is also terrifying in its intensity because the thought of something happening to them, (or to me so I can’t care for them), means I will never really relax again for the rest of my life. As PP said it really is a huge, life altering decision and there’s no going back. In hindsight a life without that level of worry/responsibility would have been much lighter and freer and a lot of fun!

@Enterthedragons. I can’t even imagine. I worry enough about my animals.

This morning I feel a bit lighter about the choice. My husband is so wonderful and been so supportive through this whole damn decision. I love him more than anything and it’s so wonderful he would have gone down the child route if I’d wanted (even though he has no ambition to be a father)

But that desire just isn’t there that I believe is needed. It’s too much of a gamble to do it to see it we like it!

Has anyone else struggled with the choice so much? I feel crazy it’s taken me so long and that it’s impacted me so much.

So looks like we will be in the childfree camp.

ED81 I'm sorry you are having such a hard time making the decision. I have always known I didn't want children so I cannot say I understand but I do sympathise.

The only thing I would say is, no matter how great your relationship is with your husband, relationships end, things change.... if something happened to your husband, or you divorced, would you still be happy to be without a child?
It's so important to consider this, because men pretty much always have the option to father children very late in life, women don't.

In 10 years, if you were no longer with your husband, and your chance to have a child of your own had passed, would you still be ok with it?

Not trying to be insensitive, I understand it's a difficult choice, but you say that you have left the final decision up to your husband - I could never imagine leaving the decision up to somebody else.

@Mulletsaremisunderstood.
Wow.. good questions. I think (naively maybe) that I will be with him forever so if we weren’t together in 10 years time through choice then something catastrophic has occurred.
If he was to die I’d be heartbroken. But that is still not a reason to bring a child into this crazy world. In my option at least.

Had a baby late in life so experienced child free for some time.

Pros of no children

• sleeping in/ sleep even if you get a good sleeper
• freedom - it's shocking when you first realise you can never again go anywhere without considering your child (well for 15 ish years...)
• having a child when you're unwell is brutal
• experiences like travel,theatre,dining sporting events that you can't take a child to
• astronomical nursery costs avoided
• avoids the 'guilt' of having to balance baby and career
• avoids the constant worry

pros of kids

• they fill you with joy daily (well mine does )
• enjoyment in more simple pastimes
• Xmas etc takes on a new meaning
• you laugh much more often
• you re learn the world through their eyes
• such a rewarding love

If I'm totally honest and even though I love my baby more than anything in the whole world I'd say that they are just different paths - neither is necessarily better.
Many people have children that are not present in later life for a variety of reasons and should t be had for that reason. Incidentally, my aunt works with the elderly and says it's very common to be talking to a persons niece or nephew rather than own child.

I can't imagine the pain of wanting a child and not getting one - that is by far the cruelest situation. If someone isn't really that bothered I'd say give the planet a rest and don't bother ! Birth rates in uk per woman are apparently at an all time low so people must be doing this !