To think lying about nationality is a red flag?

[Ribrabrob]

Newly dating somebody. He told me he was a certain nationality - even showed me on the map where he was from. He happened to come up on my suggested friends on Facebook (guess maybe our phones linked) and naturally I took a look at his profile. Different first name and he’s quite clearly a different nationality to what he told me.

Now the nationality he actually is, sadly has a bit of a negative reputation and so I can kind of understand why he would lie (don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he shouldn’t be proud of where he is from, but I can just see where he is perhaps coming from with lying). The nationality he told me actually is is probably quite similar in their culture, way of life etc.

I won’t be disclosing the nationalities as I don’t want to make this thread about that - what concerns me is the lying. Aibu to see this as a red flag and get rid? Would I be silly to continue? After all, what else could he lie about? Obviously I will talk to him but want to know if I’d be silly continuing see him.

Shame as he ticks all the other boxes of what I’m looking for and want and we seem (seemed?) very much on the same page in relation to goals etc.

Is he really he a Klingon from the planet Qo'noS?

If he is I can understand why he wouldn't declare it early on in a relationship.

Is he a Romulan pretending to be a Vulcan?

But seriously, it could be something as simple as his nationality is X but he has lived most of his life in Y. And if there's something painful in his past, he might well not want to go into details with someone he barely knows. Nobody is entitled to know every detail about someone's life just because they've been on a few dates with them.

And I've known lots of people who have different first names or nicknames which they use in different circumstances, with different groups of people.

I have a fakeish name on fb, and if you asked me I'd say I was one nationality (cos I am) but if you met me I'm clearly British (cos I am)

Like previous posters hedging my bets he is Albania and saying he is Italian or Greek.

Another one voting Albanian saying he is Macedonian or Greek, first thing that sprang to mind as my ex used to do this

Quite amazed at how many women on MN dated Albanians

It's strange with names.
A couple of years ago I gave our lovely helpful postman a Christmas card with some money in it. I addressed it to Dom - as I had always called him that.
He sent a Christmas card back to thank us - and signed it from Nick.
Next time I saw him I apologised for incorrectly calling him Dom for so long. He looked puzzled and said his name is Dom.
I said - "But you signed your card Nick."
He explained 'My name is Dominic and sometimes I get called Dom, and others Nick!'

Hmm. Ask him outright what the story is.

If it's a clear lie, rather than a complex background or multiple first names, ask him why, if he is looking for a partner, he just didn't tell you the truth in the first place as you would surely find out.

There could be loads of reasons due to geography, politics or naming conventions. Or he could just be a bit selective about when to tell the truth which would be a red flag.

My very lovely Nigerian ex used to face a lot of dismissive treatment from those expecting him to be a scammer, including potential dates, to the extent he considered telling casual acquaintances that he was from Ghana for a quiet life. This was quite a big step given the varied history between the two countries. Also his beautiful full name is quite hard to pronounce for some non- Yoruba speakers (double articulated consonants). Therefore he would sometimes just gloss over his background and be 'Jim' instead of 'Oluwasindarayofunmi'.

In short it's not deal breaker necessarily, but I would want a good explanation here as these are pretty key things to lie about.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Quite amazed at how many women on MN dated Albanians

I'm quite surprised how many people on MN think Albania has a bad reputation. I've never really thought of them having a bad reputation tbh

Another one voting Albanian saying he is Macedonian or Greek, first thing that sprang to mind as my ex used to do this

I knew of an elderly lady who was from Yugoslavia, as it was then. But she considered herself to be Greek. Greek was her first language, and she wanted her grandchildren (born and growing up in Britain) to learn Greek.

SchrodingersImmigrant
Quite amazed at how many women on MN dated Albanians
Not me but my friend. The Italian banker she was bowled over by turned out to be an Albanian asylum seeking drug dealer. All his "colleagues" said they were Italian as well.

Hahaha, ask the Greeks what they think of Albanians....

Perhaps if he's from an East European country like Moldova, he could be of Russian descent and feel his true nationality is Russian. But even then why point to a map and lie? I really do not understand this part. If you really like someone you can just explain them your story.

@THisbackwithavengeance

If this was directed at me, I’m not middle class and I’m very much a capitalist - hence the expedient passport. By the way, jocularity about Big Ben and ManU and letting you go first in queues is not how you gauge whether Brits are popular in a foreign country, What they’re saying in Chinese or writing in their emails in Hindi because they think English is the only language you speak or read is how you tell.

All the middle class, pseudo-socialist faux shuddering on here

Finnish but ethnically Swedish
Lebanese but Syrian
Indian but Tibetan (or vice versa)
American but take your pick

I’ve honestly known so many people with X passport but they go with a different nationality in speech because that’s the group they were brought up in and the politics is complicated.

Ditto having a different name.

Without knowing, it’s a tough call but asking for the back story would give more info.

@Happyheartlovelife

Lying is a deal breaker to me personally

They get one chance and that's it. I think lying is despicable

Calling having a different name on faebook despicable is surely a massive over-reaction

It's Facebook ffs, you can call yourself whatever you like and there are numerous perfectly innocuous reasons to have registered in a different name to the one you call yourself in every day life.

There's nothing to be gained by speculating, just ask him.

@habibihabibi

Like previous posters hedging my bets he is Albania and saying he is Italian or Greek.

Our ex Big Issue seller was Romanian, probably Roma too - and he constantly would deny it - even when someone found out he was Romanian because they heard him speaking it.

@Cailleach1

I know two Romanians. Highly skilled, well educated, professional jobs and smart as whips.

The problem here is if there is lying, I imagine. As others have said, maybe it is more complicated than that.

I know two Romanians who are architects - well used to know them!

One told me - I tell people I'm from Romania but all the time I get the negative stereotypes thrown back in my face.

Friend is from Nigeria - when we first met years ago she said 'I know the sterotypes of Nigerians as being scammers, dodgy, bribes etc'

Yes nigerians have a bad reputation for being scammers, although I thought that was only online. Back in the day I had a nigerian teacher!

He's a liar and faker with no respect fpr you.

What else might be needed to put you off... wife and six kids, criminal record, drug addict, infected with STI.....

People like @BaileyBailu are exactly why some people don’t feel safe making their nationality public knowledge

Exactly!

@SynchroSwimmer

How about researching the “pretend country” on Google images and suchlike, places, the food, the culture, musicians, tv programmes, bands, major attractions and ask him about them?

“Oh, I have always wanted to try gazpacho / visit Sechesyi hot baths / Postojna cave complex / Berlin zoo / Zadar old town / what’s it really like?”.....and did you enjoy the xyz nearby? etc
“I read that the abc is really good, what did you think?”

Now that behaviour really would be a red flag for me!

Lying is not acceptable. When I was dating I never lied about anything

Everyone lies (as Dr House used to say)

@Cocomarine

We haven’t yet discussed whether he should swerve the OP, as he had to point out his country of origin on a map. Maybe he should date “bad at geography”?

😂

Something similar happened to a friend. She met a guy and fell in love with him. A few months down the line she found out he was from a different country (also has negative rep in this country and isn't in the eu, although it's in Europe)
he also had a different name.

Turned out he came here illegally. She was In love with him so forgave him, he ended up getting citizenship (even though they knew he was illegal) and she married him. He is a lovely hardworking guy.
I don't know if I could forgive him but there's no feelings involved for me.

Now the nationality he actually is, sadly has a bit of a negative reputation and so I can kind of understand why he would lie (don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he shouldn’t be proud of where he is from, but I can just see where he is perhaps coming from with lying). The nationality he told me actually is is probably quite similar in their culture, way of life etc.

No one should be ashamed of their nationality. I’ve worked in immigration and have found that you find good and bad in every nationality, including British!