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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think lying about nationality is a red flag?

283 replies

Ribrabrob · 22/10/2020 16:18

Newly dating somebody. He told me he was a certain nationality - even showed me on the map where he was from. He happened to come up on my suggested friends on Facebook (guess maybe our phones linked) and naturally I took a look at his profile. Different first name and he’s quite clearly a different nationality to what he told me.

Now the nationality he actually is, sadly has a bit of a negative reputation and so I can kind of understand why he would lie (don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he shouldn’t be proud of where he is from, but I can just see where he is perhaps coming from with lying). The nationality he told me actually is is probably quite similar in their culture, way of life etc.

I won’t be disclosing the nationalities as I don’t want to make this thread about that - what concerns me is the lying. Aibu to see this as a red flag and get rid? Would I be silly to continue? After all, what else could he lie about? Obviously I will talk to him but want to know if I’d be silly continuing see him.

Shame as he ticks all the other boxes of what I’m looking for and want and we seem (seemed?) very much on the same page in relation to goals etc.

OP posts:
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 23/10/2020 19:28

None of DH’s family are known by their actual names. They have their name, and then their day to day name, which they use for everyone they meet, friends, family, work. But it isn’t the name on the passport etc. And these names are not ‘nicknames’ as in versions of their real names. Totally different names. Come to think of it I don’t know what FIL’s legal first name is.

They are of Indian heritage.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 23/10/2020 19:44

My DH's family (ME) doesn't even spell their surname same way😂 It's really confusing sometimes because some variations are really different. Amongst siblings btw!😂

Kind of like if you had Williams/Wyllams/Wills/Willa/Wlams/Wiliamss

FairFridaythe13th · 23/10/2020 19:53

I know a family in the UK who do that too (and I mean Mc/Mac type names). Remember some people were at the mercies of whoever translated the name on their passport (so we have some odd spellings).

SchrodingersImmigrant · 23/10/2020 20:07

Must be massive pain in the arse to try to sort out family trees. It is in my case and we even know the surnames, or most of them. But the illiteracy in the area my DGM was born at was horrible so trying to go back is really hard. I think my mum gave up

SnowHare · 23/10/2020 20:27

@SchrodingersImmigrant

My DH's family (ME) doesn't even spell their surname same way😂 It's really confusing sometimes because some variations are really different. Amongst siblings btw!😂

Kind of like if you had Williams/Wyllams/Wills/Willa/Wlams/Wiliamss

That's true also of my DH's family. There are a few variations of spelling and indeed pronounciations of the name.

In addition, some members of the family are known by the inverse of the name... so for example if the name of the original patriarch was (say) Donald Mitchell then one part of the family have the surname Mitchell and the other Donald. (This is not the exact name, clearly- but was a function of which immigration official was writing what and if they used commas etc).

It is not remotely uncommon for things like this to happen.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 23/10/2020 20:29

Oh my. That's even worse than mine😂

This thread is so interesting!

Moreira · 23/10/2020 21:58

@Serin

TheVangaurdSix You deregistered your patient from the NHS because, after going on several dates with him, you found out he was an illegal immigrant?

Did I read that right?

WTH.

That was how I interpreted that post too. And I then re read it and re read it and still got the same interpretation.
kungfupannda · 23/10/2020 22:23

@thevanguardsix

Oh and a last one. Could he be a Latvian of Russian origin?

We have a Latvian branch in my family, and we have no idea where they came from originally. It's now looking like they might have started off in Finland, headed to Latvia, then to Russia, then back to Latvia, before coming to the UK.

Yoholyolo · 24/10/2020 11:40

Generally If it starts on a lie it end on one too and I'd want a lot of good reasons to keep going.
However if the nationality is anything like Albanian, Kosovan, Serb Croat Bosnian Montenegran, etc and part of what once was Yugoslavia,and especially if combined with one of the RAE ethnicity (Romani, Akhali, EgyptianS, he could have very good reasons and be waiting to know you better before clarifying.

On it's own if everything else was truly good I'd consider keeping going but with eyes open and watchful for the first hint of any other flag and a some point challenge him and see how he reacted.

theyoungishman · 24/10/2020 13:04

Maybe he's from Kazakhstan but doesn't want to be associated with Borat?! 😂

CatherinedeBourgh · 24/10/2020 13:21

I was born and lived in country A, then moved to B and married there. Got the B nationality, then moved to country C, where my dc were born.

Dh has two different passports (B and D), and his father is from a different country to those two (E). He was brought up in country F, where his parents still live. His father is a national of F now, as well as E.

My children can reasonably claim nationality of countries A, B, C, D, E, and F. Which one they choose will largely depend on context, though they would only usually refer to themselves as A, B, C, or D.

Identity is sometimes a complicated thing.

SnowHare · 24/10/2020 13:28

Yeah- DH was born in Morocco to parents (one of whom was English and one not) and moved to the Uk only when he went to Boarding school. He would never consider himself to be Moroccan in any way shape or form though.

CatherinedeBourgh · 24/10/2020 13:28

@SchrodingersImmigrant

My DH's family (ME) doesn't even spell their surname same way😂 It's really confusing sometimes because some variations are really different. Amongst siblings btw!😂

Kind of like if you had Williams/Wyllams/Wills/Willa/Wlams/Wiliamss

This is really common where the original language uses a different alphabet. Depends on how the first person to transcribe it into latin alphabeet did it, which in turn an depend on what country it was done in.

Ditto the use of hyphens vs one word vs two words.

And don’t even get into what happens for people from countries where they don’t use first name and last name.

Apparently Indonesians in the US often end up with the name fnu or lnu, which stand for first name unknown or last name unknown, depending on whether the inmigration official decided their actual name was a first or a last name.

Aridane · 24/10/2020 18:22

What the fuck is it with Albania / Albanians on this thread?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/10/2020 19:35

@Aridane

What the fuck is it with Albania / Albanians on this thread?
That's what happens when they all date mumsnetters. 😁

Seriously. For the fact that there is apparently about 13k of them in the UK (eome will be women and children), I am absolutely stunned at how many here (or their friends) have dated some.
Or made an opinion about Albanians 👀

stackemhigh · 24/10/2020 19:39

@SnowHare

Yeah- DH was born in Morocco to parents (one of whom was English and one not) and moved to the Uk only when he went to Boarding school. He would never consider himself to be Moroccan in any way shape or form though.
Why not? Confused even you seem hesitant to say one parent was Moroccan. There is nothing wrong with being Moroccan.
CodenameVillanelle · 24/10/2020 19:55

@SnowHare

Yeah- DH was born in Morocco to parents (one of whom was English and one not) and moved to the Uk only when he went to Boarding school. He would never consider himself to be Moroccan in any way shape or form though.
How sad
SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/10/2020 20:02

@CatherinedeBourgh I need to check if they spell it same in Arabic😁
It is a pain when translations go wrong a bit.

I found old (1900-1920) immigration records from US fascinating. I can recognise some of the surnames but often just barely.

SnowHare · 24/10/2020 21:29

Um... because DH's dad was not Moroccan, so i did not say he was.

His dad was from an entirely different European country.

They were in Morocco with the foreign office.

But, as you were.

SnowHare · 24/10/2020 21:30

The point I was making is that you can be born in a country yet legitimately not lay claim to that country.

CodenameVillanelle · 24/10/2020 21:31

@SnowHare

The point I was making is that you can be born in a country yet legitimately not lay claim to that country.
Ahh Sorry it was weird the way you put it but it makes sense now
SnowHare · 24/10/2020 21:33

It made sense in my head.

But (as i keep telling my line manager) i have a terrible habit of thinking if it is clear to ME it is clearly clear to everyone else.

Ilovecheese53 · 24/10/2020 21:36

It’s not a good start. I’m not sure why you would lie about something like nationality. Major red flag.

PercyKirke · 24/10/2020 22:06

[quote readingismycardio]@kerryleigh I'm not Romanian myself but how can a WHOLE region of people be "complicated"? A bit discriminatory, eh?[/quote]
Get a history of the Austro-Hungarian Empire it is very, very complicated. You are the first person I have ever come across who's suggested it might not be!

ClareBlue · 24/10/2020 22:37

With out doubt he is from Transnistria but is pretending to be Moldovan. Who could point out Transnistria on a map? There is the answer.
Either that, or he is from Macedonia and his Nationality actually did change during dating him and he thought he was Greek anyway.
And I can tell you from experience Tirana is one of the friendliest cities in Europe and safe too. And so inexpensive you can not spend your money.

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