MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

Can you tell her the midwife said that you must avoid getting Covid, especially due to your other health issues, and she must not come round if she has been to visit anyone. You can meet in the park or in the garden.
I don't think this is unreasonable if you have had several miscarriages. I doubt she will take kindly to it but she is being hysterical imv (as a mil) - as time passes the hysterics will most likely calm down. I think it might be a lack of events in her own life. So this becomes a big deal but it isn't her big deal to carry on about.

Call the Aunt. This is not normal behaviour. I have 3 DGC and always always back off, respect parental wishes etc. She needs to find herself a life so that you can all be a part of it, rather than relying on you to be all of it.

Yanbu OP to tell people about the pregnancy early on - especially close family. Regardless of your medical history that’s up to you! Some people do, some don’t.
Your MiL sounds like she’s jumped off the deep end but hopefully it’s not too late to rein her in without having to cut her out of your lives or anything so dramatic. Have a chat with DH about how his mum could be involved, in ways you’d be more comfortable with - maybe give her a job/responsibility/something to keep her busy. Does she knit/sew? She could research car seats or something boring like that - whatever you think. Set clear boundaries now for sure otherwise she’ll only get worse and you have a right to enjoy your pregnancy. Congratulations and good luck.

You need to restrict (or completely block) what she sees you post on social media. Her comments about baby loss were awful.

You and your h are telling her far too much. Next time he needs to say that you're in the bath or something else mundane. You know she likes the spotlight and to be dramatic so "having a scan" is going to feed those tendencies. Her comments on SM were horrible and should have been a warning that she couldn't handle info about bleeding. That's going to be hard for your h to accept but he's going to have to help reduce the drama. The less she knows the calmer things can be.

Change the locks and don't give her a key so she couldn't "help" and take the baby out. It doesn't sound like an irrational fear to me but it's one that you can prevent with locks so do it. Not changing the locks means her seeing you with your boobs out while breastfeeding etc

As you and your h haven't had boundaries before then this will take time for her to learn. Be consistent in applying them while restricting her info so she doesn't start affecting your dc's mental health too.

I would talk to the aunt about MIL's MH - perhaps she can help be a buffer.

She needs a psychiatric assessment. She sounds unwell.

You don’t need to change the locks. Lock the door and leave the key in the lock.

I don't think you are being irrational. A couple of things stand out for me, your DH is very supportive of you, and you both quite obviously care about and are concerned about your MIL. Perhaps you are right about her breaking boundaries and erratic behaviour is caused by a deterioration in her mental health, and I think you are right in going to other family members for support. The nightmare about her stealing your baby is a combination of everything that is going on, and whilst its unlikely is understandable under the circumstances. Going forward you need to take away her key and get your DH to give her a timetable of when your DH will phone her and when she can visit you both. Set in place a support system with her wider family and explain to them what is going on. Most importantly, look after your own mental and physical health, make sure your DH is the buffer between the two of you and make yourself unavailable to her outside of the agreed times.

It’s sad that there has been a massively unfounded misunderstanding on her part. I think a little understanding of her predicament would help. She sounds so excited about a first grandchild and probably just wants to indulge herself in the excitement a bit. Maybe the message she wants to portray to you is that your pregnancy is a wonderful thing to her but it’s sad that she has gone about it in a wildly over-enthusiastic way that of course doesn’t suit you. It’s very understandable from your side that you are cautious until 28 weeks and that she somehow seems to have overstepped by buying things. She then, after your request based on your superstition and past experiences with miscarriage, seems to have had a lightbulb moment but then backtracked far too far and consequently, saw fit to blame herself for an imagined situation which of course, seemed absolutely crazy to you both. I would forgive her for that and gently relay the whole picture back to her from your own point of view so that she can put it all into perspective. Give her time to let the penny drop for herself instead of laying down boundaries as such or going no-contact.
If you could be generous once more and find it in yourselves to demonstrate understanding towards her, I’m sure she will reciprocate with much less erratic behaviour. Maybe she is desperate to please you, - albeit inappropriately.
Having said all that, nobody, not even family, should be allowed to walk in to your house unannounced.
I’m sure she was originally given a key for practical reasons that suited you both at the time. Maybe again you can kindly keep pointing out that
you wouldn’t walk into her house or anybody else’s without knocking and being shown in ...not even your own parents - nobody would. Have a calm and honest discussion about it. Tell her that you completely understand that it’s become a habit but that you are both wanting this to stop now if she can possibly see it from your point of view please.
I think proceeding with understanding and kindness will be the best way forward in this situation. Much better than ultimatums, harsh words and a stand off.
She will be able to sell the next to me-to-crib once she realises that she was way over the top in her enthusiasm...as it will surely be unused.
Good luck !

If it's unusual behaviour for her I'd speak to the Aunt but if it's not I'd just go low contact for a while.
My MIL was a self centered nasty cow. We had years of her ridiculous dramas. She probably still is but we don't see her any more.

@Frdd

How bizarre. I'm 53 and had my first at 27. I did 3 tests as they were £8-10 and when I saw my GP she said she was happy to do a test but the ones I'd done were accurate enough so due didn't need to.

I honestly don't recognise what you're describing. It sounds more like what women experienced in the sixties.

I had the same.you need to read toxic in laws by Susan forward and set iron clad boundaries fast. Start creating some distance because the level of emehsment you describe is disturbing. I also found couples counselling essential to help set boundaries with DH and stick to them. PIL were ridiculous and even when I had horribly traumatic birth and c section they tried to make it all about them. My baby and me were fighting for our lives. Just remember she doesn't actually care about you or your baby, its all a show and way for her to gain attention. I remind myself of this whenever I feel bad for MIL in particular. Dd nearly died and actually she didn't care. Didnt want to hear it. Shared photos all over Facebook and lied to her friends that all was well to gain more attention. The reality wasn't of interest to her. We have created a lot of distance with PIL now and I have had to have a lot of therapy due to my awful experiences but you can get ahead of this before baby even arrives.

@Yesreallyreally gosh, you'd have to 'demand' that you DH shared something with you that he would be discussing with you afterwards? See I didn't need to, we're really close, so I could tell by his face it was something we'd be talking about so to save him explaining what was going on, her put her on loud speaker, told MiL I was home and we carried on the conversation together, as a unit.

I know which relationship I'd rather be in.

See I didn't need to, we're really close, so I could tell by his face it was something we'd be talking about so to save him explaining what was going on, her put her on loud speaker, told MiL I was home and we carried on the conversation together, as a unit.

I’m sorry but you’ve lost me here. His mum called him upset. You’re not a ‘unit’. Jeez. I get that you are very upset and she does sound like a lunatic, but I don’t think you’re helping.

Frdd, you need to recognise that your experience clearly wasn't universal and that you can't make any assumptions about OP's MIL's experience.

[quote MostIneptThatEverStepped]@Frdd

How bizarre. I'm 53 and had my first at 27. I did 3 tests as they were £8-10 and when I saw my GP she said she was happy to do a test but the ones I'd done were accurate enough so due didn't need to.

I honestly don't recognise what you're describing. It sounds more like what women experienced in the sixties.[/quote]
I might be misremembering the price by a couple of quid but I definitely couldn’t afford one as there was only clear blue in the chemist (small town/large village) and I definitely couldn’t afford them. I didn’t have any money of my own.

Gp definitely refused to test me, And when I was confirmed as pregnant and not ready to tell my parents (I was mid teens) they sent the midwife to the door within a week with iron tablets.

Definitely didn’t get an early scan. First scan was 18 weeks. And I was 18 weeks plus 5 days at the time. And they roasted me for being late with the scan. Totally humiliated me.

Sorry for derail.

I think you love it. The control, the drama. Imagine telling your husband he had to put his telephone call to his mother on loud speaker, and then ending the call for them by saying she can speak to him when she is more ‘appropriate’.

Honestly, I agree with this.

I do also have sympathy for you as she does sound unstable.

I think you both need to take a large dose of adult and to stop feeding drama to each other.
She has been incredibly rude but so have you.
Your husband is slap bang in the middle of this and will likely end up exploding at both of you.

I am very sorry for your losses and really recommended some counselling to talk through everything.

I don't understand why your husband felt the need to tell her. I've been in exactly your position, much wanted baby, husband who is an only child, slightly batty MIL, the last thing I would have done would be to tell her there is a drama going on, obviously you were worried I remember that terrible feeling when you realise you are bleeding but I knew, and in this case you and your husband knew what the reaction would be.

Were you just setting her up to fail?

@Walkerbean16

Yes she sounds overbearing but you don't sound very nice, you told her to get the fuck out of your house?!

That’s a perfectly reasonable response. I would have been harsher.

Also, 53-27 is 26. That’s many years later than I had my first. Perhaps things changed in the intervening years.

His mum called him upset.

No, she didn't. She decided to become upset at the simple information that OP had gone for a checkup.

FFS, OP is describing decisions made about sharing the call made on the spur of the moment, in the context of a relationship she knows infinitely more about than we do. This minute analysis is utterly ridiculous.

I think you are being kind in trying to find a solution rather than cutting her off altogether. Vintage advice is almost a right of passage for grandmothers but the cot, the MY Baby comment and the wailing is too much. Is she going through menopause or something that causes her to be overly emotional? I would stick to your guns and wait til 28 weeks to discuss anything further. If she wastes money between now and then its her fault. Be ready to set boundaries about visiting when baby is born and getting locks changed/interior lock will be a good idea. Take care of yourself too.

@Frdd

Also, 53-27 is 26. That’s many years later than I had my first. Perhaps things changed in the intervening years.

No, my pregnancies were in the 1980s, tests were really quite cheap and you could get tested through the NHS at 6 weeks.

@flaviaritt his mum didnt call him upset. She called him for her regular evening call, she got upset about 5 mins before i walked through the door when DH mentioned I was at a scan to check all was well. In hindsight, he should have told her I was in the bath which is why she couldn't talk to me that night and not mentioned the scan, but I dont think he foresaw the reaction she had.

Of course we're a unit, we've been together since we were 13 years old.

She's a narcissist.

I don't know how you've concluded that from anything the OP has said? It looks less sinister from where I'm sitting.

If your DH is an only child it may well be that this has always been the dynamic between them.

That dynamic continues into adulthood and then he meets you and starts a family, she doesn't realise she's doing anything wrong by remaining so involved (ok maybe a little OTT sometimes but only ever out of love) as your husband has never had a problem with her before.

She is allowed to be excited about becoming a grandparent.

I've never understood this weird me VS her thing on mumsnet with DIL's and MIL's, where the DIL is hell bent on painting the MIL as some type of monster and pitting the DH against his mother by insisting he lay down some impenetrable boundaries when all the woman has done is welcome the DIL into the fold and treat her like family.

There are MIL's out there who truly are a nasty piece of work but I'm just not seeing that from this post. Call me cynical but I doubt she really was posting "pregernaught has lost another one" on Facebook as that was drip fed in later when people started sticking up for the MIL.

I don't think you have to "do" anything about her, if you want less contact then just stop answering the phone as much. I don't think it's fair to drive a wedge between your DH and his mother though and that's the impression I'm getting.

I'd get DH to ring the aunt to see if anything is going on because this isn't normal behaviour.
I get that she's excited to be a grandparent but her actions are not on.